Shadows

I am learning to deal with his presence in the house.
I am learning to deal with Alex in the house.

I am learning to deal with his loud laughing.
I am learning to deal with his unique voice.
I am learning to deal with his habit of slamming doors.
I am learning to deal with his seeing his smile up close.

“Carson!” Alex’s voice travels up the stairs, through the hall, under my door, and into my ears.

I am attempting to ignore Alex.
I am attempting to block him out.

“Carson! Come here!” the volume of Alex’s voice doubles.

I can hear him slam the door, as he always does.
I can hear him laughing, as he always does.

Eyes locked on the tree, on the happy birds as I stare out the window.
His laugh still forces the corners of my mouth to upturn.

How long could I ignore that laugh?
How long will it take before he comes looking for me?
How long will it take before I give in an go looking for him.

I don’t remember deciding to walk out of my room.
I don’t remember deciding to walk through the hall.
I don’t remember deciding to walk to the stairs.

I stare at him. I stare at the boy in front of me.
I stare at his dark brown hair.
I stare at his green eyes.
I stare at his tan skin.
I stare at his entire appearance.
He is gorgeous.

“Hi! I’m Tyler!” the boy says too loudly.

I am frozen, my body goes stiff when Tyler hugs me tightly.
I back away from Tyler once he releases me.
Why did Alex bring him here?
Why did Alex bring him into my home, my haven?

“I don’t think she likes me.” Tyler says with a pout.

“She doesn’t like anyone.” Alex answers with his signature crooked smirk.

I am angry. I am furious. I am livid.
Why did Alex bring this boy into my house?
Why is he trying to embarrass me?
Why is he trying to torture me?

“Come on.” Alex says.

I turn, going back to my window to dream of the outside world.
My body tenses again, this time it’s Alex who turns me into a statue.
Confusion clouds my head, I stare at his hand wrapped around mine.
What is he trying to do?

I am baffled. I am tense. I am angry.
I pull my hand away from Alex with as much forces as I can muster.
Our hands fall a part. Alex reconnects them and drags me along side of him.

I stare angrily at the side of his head, at his brown-blonde hair blocking his face from my eyes.
I stare daggers into our hands, tangled together and keeping me connected to him.

Alex catches my eye, he smiles at me.
Alex smiles, not smirks.
Alex smiles, showing me his smiles.
Alex smiles, showing me a glimpse of his real self.

It was his hand that held mine too tightly.
It was his hand that led me to the living room.
It was his hand that kept me with him.
It was his hand that made something inside of me squirm.
It was his hand that made the squirming far too pleasant.
It was Alex’s hand that made the corners of my lips upturn.

“So, how long have you two been dating? Alex decided to keep you a secret...for understandable reasons.” Tyler spoke, his eyes hitting every inch of me in one sweep.

My eyebrows pull together, my jaw tightens along with my grip on Alex’s hand.
I glare at Alex, taking in his pained expression as a result of my grip.
Alex looks like a deer caught in headlights.

“Not that long, that’s why I didn’t say anything.” Alex blurted out and pulled me to sit on the couch with him.

I am going to leave. I am going to jump off the couch and run back to my room.
I am going to leave. I am going to jump onto Alex and beat the living hell out of him.
What is he telling people about me? What other lies has he told about me?
Why is he telling people about me? Why would he lie about me?

I see the look Alex is sending me. I see another glimpse of who Alex really is.
I don’t see the boy who doesn’t give a damn about anything.
I see the boy pleading me with his eyes to go along with whatever this was.

I shake my head and lean back into the couch, taking my hand back and scooting away from him.
I cross my arms and try to figure out what his motives are for doing this as they watch a movie.
The movie is half over and my arms unfold and rest on the empty cushion between Alex and I.
I attempt to focus on the movie.
I am trying to figure out what’s going on, to focus on anything other than Alex.

I jump slightly, not expecting to have Alex tangle his fingers around mine.
I look at him, he’s looking at the television.
I look at the television.

I am utterly confused.
I am Carson McCoy.
I always will be.