You're Gonna Love Me

I had never been very good at planning things. I was more of an ‘act now, think later’, kind of person. Which would probably serve me well in this situation; it gave me less of an opportunity to chicken out. But it also brought the possibility of me saying something completely stupid – again – and frightening him off for good. And that really wasn’t the reaction I was looking for.

I sighed, tapping my pen rhythmically on the desk as I watched the hands on the clock dragging by, my leg bouncing up and down involuntarily. This was a bad idea, and I knew it. I should have just left it alone and moved on, but, I’ve never exactly been known for taking the logical option.

After what seemed like days, the shrill sound of the school bell finally rang out through the corridors, and I was up and out of the room before anyone else had barely moved. I half sprinted to my locker and quickly shoved away the books that had been sat untouched on my desk all morning. I knew Gerard’s timetable better than I knew my own, and so consequently, knew where he was at all hours of the day, and right now, he’d be coming out of his English class, which meant he’d have to walk right by my locker.

And, as if on cue, Gerard rounded the corner, his books clutched to his chest, head down, paying no attention whatsoever to his surroundings. I took a deep breath, and took my chance, stepping out in front of him. He stopped in front of me, looking up, his eyes widening for a brief moment when he saw me.

“Hi,” I said quietly, he bit his bottom lip, refusing to reply. “I… Can we talk?” I asked, he sighed, opening his mouth to speak. My stomach fluttered slightly as it did so. I’d forgotten just how much I loved the sound.

“What part of ‘we should stay away from each other’ don’t you understand?” he asked softly, seeming a lot less angry than I’d imagined him to be. In fact, I’d kind of expected some sort of full blown argument. But of course, things could all change.

I hesitated, I understood it all, I just didn’t want to listen to it. “I have to go.” He muttered and moved to head past me, but I quickly reached out, grabbing his arm and forcing him back.

“No.” I told him bluntly. He sighed again.

“Yes,” he persisted, his tone still soft. “It’s over.” He added and made to move past me again, but I shoved him backwards into the lockers, completely ignoring anyone that may have been watching as they passed. I didn’t care. I had a point to make, and I didn’t care how I did it.

“No.” I repeated through gritted teeth. I wasn’t letting it go, not this time. He tensed underneath my grip, and for a moment I saw a flash of fear in his eyes. “I can’t…. I won’t.” I told him.

“You have to.”

“No! I need you!! I told him, he sighed, “not just in that way! You’re good for me, you might not think it but you are. I need a friend like you. You can’t just expect me to forget about this, walk away and move on. Because I can’t.”

“You don’t have a choice,” he told me, a slight harshness to his tone now, “because I’ve told you, it’s not going to happen, and I mean it,” he added, his eyes drifting occasionally to something behind me, but I didn’t bother to look to find out what, I had no interest in the people who were watching. This was about me and him. “Now just stay away from me.” He finished and pulled himself from my grip, slipping past me and starting down the hallway. And I did nothing. I let him go. I just stood there, unable to move as a crushing weight suddenly appeared on my chest, his words finally sinking in.

I’d lost. It was over.

We were over.