You're Gonna Love Me

I couldn’t say I liked having to hide my feelings, but I’d rather have Gerard as a friend than anything else. And even though things were a little awkward between us still, the main point was that we were friends again, and everything felt right. I was happy, and he seemed to be too, and the whole booze and sex lifestyle was long gone. I wanted nothing to do with it anymore. I was different, happy, and I liked it. And even Mikey was warming to the idea of me and Gerard being friends again, or at least he seemed to be, considering the amount of time we now all spent hanging out together.

* * *

“Please tell me we’re doing something fun today,” I begged as Gerard and I headed towards the school gates. He turned to me with a frown.

“Are you suggesting that we don’t do fun things usually?” he asked, I hesitated for a moment before answering.

“Well, yeah. Considering you’ve had me doing homework all week, either that or I’m sat watching you draw, or we’re watching bad movies with Mikey. Besides, it’s Friday night I want to do something fun.” I whined. “Can’t we… go somewhere, like the movies or something?” I asked, just as we reached the gates, where Mikey was stood waiting.

“Wait, did you just say movies? Cause there’s this awesome new movie out, no idea what it’s called, but it’s a horror, and, well it looks pretty damn good.” He said excitedly, I glanced at Gerard out of the corner of my eye, who was biting his lip. I turned back to Mikey who was look at us expectantly, waiting for an answer.

“Uhm-.”

“Well if you two want to go, then knock yourselves out, but I have homework to do.” Gerard cut in, shrugging. I rolled my eyes, he was a terrible liar, although I’m pretty sure Mikey bought it, so maybe I was misjudging.

“Gee, you’re quite possibly the most insanely boring person I’ve ever met. Would it kill you to actually leave your room and have some fun for once?” Mikey asked.

“First, I’m out of my room right now, and second, I’m all for having fun, but unlike you two, I actually plan on graduating. So no thanks,” he told him, Mikey glared at him.

“Wait, are you suggesting that we won’t graduate?” I asked, turning to him, he thought for a moment before replying.

“Mikey? Maybe. You? Definitely not,” he replied with a smirk, my eyes narrowed and I quickly reached out and slapped him on the arm.

“I’m perfectly capable of graduation, thank you very much!” I snapped back at him.

“Yeah, if you actually turned up for class,” Mikey mumbled.

“What is this, gang up on Frank day?” I asked in disbelief, Gerard simply shrugged, a small smile set on his face. I glared again, but he simply laughed at me.

“Okay, if we’re quite done, are we going to see this movie or not?” Mikey asked loudly, I sighed.

“If you want,” I shrugged, and Mikey turned to Gerard.

“No thanks, but you two have fun.” He replied to his silent question. Mikey rolled his eyes, muttering something under his breath that I couldn’t make out, but whatever it was; Gerard had obviously understood it, because he chuckled quietly before we headed off up the street.

* * *

After the movie, I found myself being dragged back to the Way’s – not that I was complaining – and it then turned into a movie marathon, that Gerard was forced into taking part in, but luckily for him, Mikey decided to throw in the occasional movie that wasn’t a horror. And when Mikey finally fell asleep, I grabbed the remote, flicking onto some completely uninteresting factual show, and Gerard’s eyes finally turned away from the window, and looked towards the TV.

“Thanks,” he muttered, before a long yawn left his mouth. “But the kid’s got sense,” he said gesturing towards the now sleeping Mikey. “It’s getting late,” he glanced at the clock, “or rather, early.” He took the remote from my hands and switched off the TV, causing the room to suddenly fall into darkness.

“Yeah, it is, so how are you planning on keeping yourself awake this time?” I asked, my eyes focused on his silhouette. He chuckled quietly.

“I think I’ll be fine,” he replied, his tone sounding like he was smiling. I shrugged.

“Fine, but you’re kinda in my bed,” I told him, stretching my feet out so they were in his lap, he chuckled again, and stood up, letting them drop onto the sofa. I smiled and slid down so I was now lying down. “Night,” I muttered as he headed for the door.

* * *

“Frank? Frank!” I groaned, letting my eyelids slowly flutter open. “Good, you’re awake,” Gerard’s voice sighed with relief. I groaned again.

“Yeah, thanks to you,” I muttered groggily, “What do you want?” I asked as he sat down in front of the sofa I was currently spread out on.

“Couldn’t sleep,” he mumbled, running a hand through his tousled hair, I smiled.

“Told you,” I smirked, shutting my eyes again, and laughing quietly when his ashamed ‘shut up’ floated into my ears. I reached out, keeping my eyes shut as I patted around until my hand found his and I squeezed it gently before letting go again. “You’re fine. It’s not real,” I muttered, “but I don’t think this sofa’s big enough for the two of us.”

“I… I wasn’t… I just-.” He stuttered, his tone slightly alarmed, I sighed inwardly, this was the one problem with our friendship. Gerard now refused everything that could result in some sort of physical contact. The only way I ever got any was if it was accidental, or I just surprised him with it.

“I was just suggesting,” I replied quietly, “just trying to help, you don’t have to. Whatever.” I sighed, slowly beginning to feel myself drifting back off to sleep. There was a long silence, to the point where I thought he had left, and was considering forcing my eyes back open. But before I could, he spoke again, whispering.

“O-okay,” he stuttered, and my eyes flew open, my gaze falling on his dark silhouette. “I-if you’re okay with…” he trailed off. I said nothing I simply shuffled to the back of the sofa, he glanced over at Mikey for a moment.

“If you’re worried, I can wake you up before he does.” I suggested, he nodded slightly, and then a few moments later, he was lying on the sofa beside me. I slowly reached out, pulling him into a gentle hug, and strangely, he didn’t tense up, or try to pull away. He simply settled into my arms, and closed his eyes, mumbling a quiet ‘thanks’ as he began to drift. I smiled, desperately trying to ignore the way my heart was trying to jump out of my chest as I let myself fall back into a slumber.

* * *

I didn’t need to wake Gerard the next morning; he was already up long before everyone else. In fact, I still don’t think he really slept well in the first place, well actually, based on the constant tossing back and forth, I was positive he didn’t. And I was sure I was going to have some serious bruises from the amount of times his fists had come flying in my direction. But really, I couldn’t complain, it was probably the closest I was ever going to get to him now, so as far as I was concerned, it was definitely one of the best nights sleep I’ve had, even though I didn’t actually get a lot of sleep.

*

The rest of the day was spent hanging around in Gerard’s room, refusing to let him talk me into doing any homework I had, until he pulled his own out, at which point I disappeared in search of Mikey, who was in his own room, scrolling his way through the Internet. I didn’t bother knocking anymore, although I don’t think I ever really had in the first place. I simply pushed his door open and headed into his room, flopping down onto his bed with a sigh. I watched from the corner of my eye as he slowly spun around in his chair to face, me, his eyebrows raised.

“Gerard’s being boring,” I told him, answering the question I was sure was running through his head.

“And that bothers you why?” he asked as he spun back around again, “I would have thought you would have just been happy to sit and stare at him in that creepy way you do,” he said nonchalantly.

“Hey! I don’t stare at him… not in a creepy way anyway. And it’s not staring, it’s gazing. There’s a difference,” I defended; pushing myself up into a sitting position and leaning back against the wall.

“It’s still creepy,” Mikey replied quietly.

“Well it’s the best I’m ever going to get,” I muttered, not intending for him to hear, but when he sighed and scooted his chair towards the bed, I knew he had.

“Alright, I’m not going to like this, but I suppose that’s what friends are for, so, lay it on me,” he said, I frowned. “Whatever’s on your mind… even if it’s about Gerard. Talk to me, because lets be honest here, we both know you want too.” He explained. I hesitated for a moment, not wanting to make him too uncomfortable, but after a while I sighed and opened my mouth.

“I just… I like having Gerard as a friend, really, I do. I mean, ever since I met him, things just changed. He brings out this… nice side of me that I didn’t even know existed, and I like it. I like who I am. He has this… I don’t really know, there’s just something about him, it… he makes everything feel right. I never feel fucked up with him. And honestly… I hate it.” I admitted, Mikey frowned at the last statement. “I love being around him, don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t ask for a better friend. But I just hate this… power he has over me. One minute he can piss me off, and then all he has to do is give me this look and I just melt! I hate the way he makes me feel. I can’t stand it.” I told him, he watched me for a moment before replying.

“Frank, as weird and… painful as this is for me to say,” he began, taking a deep breath before he finished. “I think you’re in love with my brother.” He stated I hesitated in shock for a moment. Love. I’d mentioned the word several times where Gerard was concerned. But I’d never seriously thought that I was in love with him. I chuckled gently as his words started to sink in, and he frowned at me again.

“Doesn’t really matter though, does it?” I asked rhetorically. “It’s not like he’s ever going to act on it, or let me. “ I sighed “And do you know what I hate the most? That I know he has feelings for me too, he just won’t admit them,” Mikey sighed, edging closer.

“Look, you know how you had this whole, booze and sex thing going on before you met Gerard?” Mikey asked, I nodded, not bothering to mention that it had carried on for part of the time I knew him too. “Well did it never occur to you, that maybe Gerard has things in his past too?” he asked, I looked up at him, confused.

“W-what do you mean?”

“It’s not my place to tell you. I’m just saying, don’t take it personally. You’re not the only one with a past.”