People Got A Lotta Nerve

Driving home that morning was a complete blur. Everything seemed to be spinning in circles around me, my focus clearly out of whack. For one second, I could clearly focus on the Feist CD coming from my car stereo, the next second, the music mixed and contorted itself, completely unrecognizable. All I wanted was to turn my car around, follow that bus out of San Diego, out of California, wherever they were heading. Logic held me back though, reminding me of all of the reasons why I couldn’t just pick up my life and fit myself into Oliver’s. Lives are like puzzles, and you can’t just fit yourself in someone’s puzzle if you don’t have the right pieces. Right now, Oliver and my lives definitely were made up of different pieces, and we just had to deal with it.

I didn’t realize I had pulled into my driveway until my hands, on auto pilot, pulled my keys out of the ignition and opened the car door. Stumbling out like a zombie, I was pleasantly surprised to see Blake awake, sitting on the porch, a cup of coffee in his hands.

“Hey there, Sparrow. You look like you got hit by a MAC truck.”

“Might as well have been.” I sighed, sitting next to him, leaning against one of the columns. “Oliver left.”

“I know…” He replied, resting one of his long, lanky arms across my shoulders. “You’ll be fine, Chris. And he’ll be strong, too. The kid has it bad.”

“You think?” I leaned into his shoulder, tucking my knees up under my chin, the cold air finally getting to me, seeing as though I didn’t have Oliver’s body heat to keep me warm anymore.

“Hell yes, he does.” Blake laughed, taking a sip of his black coffee. “I wouldn’t have given him directions to Northern Lights if I didn’t think he did.”

Oh yeah, Blake was responsible for that fiasco. “Well, I probably lost my job over that,” I laughed under my breath. “I just kind of left at lunch, and didn’t come back.”

“Ouch, Sparrow.” Blake laughed too, clearly not too worried about it. “Worse things could happen though, right?”

“Like what?”

“Well, Oliver could have left, and forgotten about you.”

“He could still do that, Blake. This whole thing just started. It’s been like, less than 6 months since I met the kid.”

“I know he won’t. Haven’t you read that letter?” Blake asked, finishing his coffee, now pulling a blunt and his lighter out of the pocket of his hoodie.

“His letter? What?” I asked, before scoffing under my breath. “Do you really have to wake and bake every morning?”

“It’s what gets me through the day.” Blake laughed, lighting the blunt and taking a heavy drag. The smoke he let out of his lungs wafted lazily up into the sky, before disappearing into the air. “Go read what that boy wrote for you, Sparrow. It’s on the kitchen table.”

I groaned as I got up from sitting on the porch, steadying myself against the column. I walked over through the front door to the kitchen, where a single envelope laid, with my name written on it in blotchy, black pen.

“Christian…” I repeated to myself, as if I had to assure myself that the letter was to me. Very delicately, I opened the flap of the envelope, and pulled out a single piece of paper, torn from one of my graphic design notebooks, the graph paper squares clearly giving it away. I laughed under my breath, and sat in the closest chair my eyes scanning slowly over the paper, sure to read every single word.


Christian Serra,

I've found myself where I never expected to be. If I do recall correctly, please forgive me if I'm wrong, the first words that you ever said to me were ‘You’re not the first person to not see me. The joys of being 5’2.’. Simple statement, with a simple reply. ‘Do you need some help up?’. That's it. The beginning of it all. And from that point on you've had me. Staying up until 5am, clearly tired yet unable to stop thinking of you. Endless conversations about who knows what, angry conversations about how amazing you are. And now look where we are.

Lost In Beauty
I'm actually going to apologize in advance as this entire paragraph is dedicated to your beauty. Shallow? Possibly, but its unavoidable. Attraction begins with physical appearance. It's the first thing to get you hooked. This was easy for you to do to me. I can say, with absolute honesty, that you are the most beautiful girl that I've ever found myself lucky enough to even say a simple hello to. I can not hide the fact that every time I look at you I get a little weak. The fact that you're unable to see how insanely gorgeous you are is absurd to me. Hopefully as you read this you are able to realize that you're absolutely beautiful. Your piercing eyes, your adorable smile, your messy hair. I'm sorry for getting caught up in aesthetics, but you're stunning.

Paradox
A statement that contradicts itself. I'm not able to be there, with you, right now, yet I never feel alone. You and I wont be able to be near each other 24/7, yet I will always feel your presence when you’re not here. In every moment, of every day, you’ll be here, on this bus, with me. It has already happened now, since we’ve met. Perhaps that could use an explanation. In any situation I've been in, you've been on my mind. My thoughts never stray away from you. I find myself always being lost in some sort of reverie. A day dream, of you being right there, always beside me. You're so apparent in my thoughts. Never forget that. You never need to wonder what I'm thinking as it is always revolved around you.

Safety&Trust.
It's a big issue for you and I both. You have your reasons, I have my history, we're both in our place. I trust you. That's all that needs to be said here. For the first time in a long time I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be in life. I can't thank you for that enough. You've said that you feel like you’ll let down everyone you let in close to you. Just know that you don’t have the power to let me down, because I will never leave you. I will always be here, baby. Right by your side, wanting to hold your hand. Despite what you may believe, you've shattered any ideas I used to have about being in love. I used to think it was stupid, and not even really existent. You proved me wrong, I trust you more than anyone. I can and will tell you anything.

All of me, it's all for you
&I can't wait to help make your dreams come true
&I can't wait kiss you for every time you make me melt with your American accent.
&I can't wait to take on the world.
Me&You; Oli&Christian
Nothing else matters
Intermission
Enough with the titles giving me restrictions on what to write. It's time for me to shine with my rambles! I can't accentuate on how you make me feel enough for you to understand. I'm difficult, I'm envious, I'm hypocritical, and far from perfect yet there you are still with me. You've become a part of me. All those lame words and phrases you use have made their way into my way of talking, and I can’t forget any of those cute little moments where you had no idea what I was saying, like when you thought ‘pissed’ meant mad instead of drunk. Those are the obvious but then there are those factors that someone may have to think more to realize what you've done to me. I'm the happiest I've been in a while. Don't get me wrong, I'm a generally happy guy, but you've just made the entire world stand still, in this single moment where everything is how it should be. And the whole world is watching us, or so it seems. It's ridiculous how much you and I have been through in the amount of time it has been. I'm sorry that you have a hard time trusting, and believing people. I know you are probably worried right now, worried about me, and what will become of us. Hopefully this will all help you to understand how I feel. I will never let go. I mean it. I will hold on, I will stay, I will not give up. Of course there are times when it may not seem like it, but we work through it. We don't let go. As if our palms are getting sweaty and the grip is loosening, but we pull through and we hold on. Thank you. Love? Don't question it. I'm not concerned with what other people think. Anyone can tell me that I don't love you, but as long as you know I do, it's okay. If you're ever uneasy about how I feel I want you to come here, right here, to this exact spot in this note and realize that I'm putting my full heart into it when I say I love you. In love? I think that everyone has a different view on what being in love is, or how it feels. This is for me to decide. I am in love with you. I am willing to do what it takes to make you smile everyday, to make you laugh, to make you feel secure, to make you feel like you're flying and falling all at once. Everything you've given me. My mind is clear and I'm aware of how I feel. I'm in love with you.

Epilogue
Where do we go from here? Who knows? All I know is I want it to be with you.
It's you, Christian. Only you.

Love, Oliver Sykes.

PS- Check your closet, I left one of my hoodies for you! It'll keep you warm!

And that’s how I knew everything would be alright.
Oliver was going to take care of me, and I was going to be fine.

As I said in the beginning, a tragic flaw of mankind is that we try to control the wild. We try and twist it into something that pleases us, like watching Monkeys swing from branches in cages, or from watching Killer Whales perform tricks at Seaworld.

I thought anyone trying to win my heart would surely fail; like they say,
‘you mustn’t give your heart to a wild thing.’
But, maybe I was the wild thing all along. Maybe Oliver was the one who took chances on me, who kept on chasing me every time I ran off, like a scared animal, unsure of my surroundings. Maybe I was the one who tried to fight him every time he got too close, when all he wanted to do was help me.

I was the wild one.
And he had tamed my heart.