I Love Him, I Love Him Not.

I must’ve stared at that poster for hours. I didn’t want to believe that was the Brendon Urie I dated. But it was him. I even decided to go on YouTube and watch some interviews. He looked happy. He was still the hyper, fun, and sometimes annoying Brendon I had known.

In just an hour, I learned who everyone was and what they did. I felt stupid. Not knowing who Panic At The Disco was. They were good. Real good. I knew Brendon was in a band in high school, but they changed their name so many times I guess I forgot.

I had no clue he could sing. I mean, he was good at every instrument he decided to pick up, Brendon singing…? And he was good at it, too.

I was up until three in the morning, searching up interviews on Panic At The Disco, pictures, listening to both albums. Interviews, mainly. Brendon looked happy. Extremely happy. He didn’t look happy today. Er, yesterday.

“Dawn,” came Emily’s tired voice. “Go to bed. It’s three AM.”

“Thank you, Captain Obvious,” I replied, rubbing my eyes.

“What are you… So now you’re stalking your ex-boyfriend? That’s not… weird at all.” I didn’t let her sarcasm faze me.

“I’m not stalking anyone, Emily.” She yawned and grabbed a chair, sitting next to me.

“Then what exactly are you doing?” Emily watched as I clicked on another video. “And since when did you start getting on YouTube?”

“I’m seeing if the band my ex-boyfriend is in is good. And I get on YouTube all the time thank you very much.”

“Do you think Panic At The Disco is good?” Emily asked, her baby blue eyes staring at me.

“Yeah, I mean, Brendon can sing. And the lyrics are insane. I love how both albums are different from every other thing out there.”

Emily grinned. “Gushing over your ex-boyfriend’s band. Hmm…” She started giggling when I nearly pushed her out her chair. “Hey! I’m just saying. There might be another reason as to why you’re up at three thirty,” I glanced at the clock, “watching interviews on a band your ex-boyfriend is in.”

I groaned. “I do not like Brendon. If I did like him, I would probably still be together with him.”

“NO!” Emily shouted, making me jump. “Sorry.” She smiled. “You wouldn’t be together with him. Do you know why?”

“Um… No.” Where in the world could she be going with this?

“You have commitment problems. You cheated on Brendon because you were afraid that things would get too far.” She smiled proudly, neatly folding her hands in her lap.

“When did you turn into fucking Dr. Phil?”

“I’m not. But it’s true! You know it is! Maybe you haven’t thought about it before, but it’s true.”

“No,” I argued, “it’s not.”

“How long were you with Brendon?”

“Now you’re going to ask questions?”

“Answer the goddamn question!”

I thought back to high school. “Um.., almost two years.”

“Oh, wow. Two years? Brendon should be mad.” I glared at her. “Sorry.” Suddenly Emily’s face became serious. Which is rare. “Why did you date this ‘bad ass’?”

“Are you sure you’re not trying to be some womanly Dr. Phil?”

“You are totally ruining this for me,” she sighed. “Please, answer the question.”

“I liked the bad ass?”

“Wrong!”

“How do you know?!” I screamed. Which is probably what I shouldn’t have been doing, considering we live in an apartment and it’s almost four in the morning.

“I know you too well.”

“I dated him because…”

“Because…?”

I bit my lip and thought about it. “I just wanted someone to protect me…”

“Couldn’t Brendon protect you?” Emily’s eyes watched as I started playing with my hair.

“Well, I mean, yeah. If he really wanted to.”

“What did you want to be protected from?”

I looked at Emily and grinned. “My best friend is my own therapist.”

Emily grinned, too. “I am good aren’t I?” She went back to her serious face. “Quit stalling and answer the question.” She grinned again. “And you will have to pay by the hour.” She chuckled. “Now answer the question.”

“I wanted… to be protected from… people who will harm me…” Seriously? Is that seriously the best I can come up with?

“And Brendon couldn’t do that?” Emily questioned, her eyebrows slightly raised.

“Yes…”

“You didn’t want to be protected by people,” Emily said as if it was completely obvious.

“What did I want to be protected by, then?”

Emily smiled. “Maybe you don’t have a commitment problem. I think you don’t want your heart broken.”

I was stunned. “I don’t care about my heart being broken,” I said in a soft voice.

“Sure you do, Dawn. Everybody does. And you didn’t want anything to happen to you, so you broke Brendon’s heart before he could break yours.” Emily’s tone was soft, barely above a whisper. “And that’s okay.”

“I don’t care about-”

“How would you know?”

I shook my head, not wanting to believe anything Emily had just said. “I’m going to bed,” I whispered and turned the computer off.

________

Almost six in the morning and I was wide awake, staring at my ceiling. Emily’s “session” with me had me thinking. More than I should be. I tried to convince myself that I don’t care if my heart ever broke. I tried to convince myself that I’m not that type of girl, heart break, schmart break, it didn’t matter.

Then I thought back, to when I dated Dylan, the guy I cheated on Brendon with. I remember how he was talking to this one girl, Clarissa, and just the way he smiling at her; he never smiled me like that. I remember the slight pain I felt, like a small tug at my heart.

So either I’m extremely jealous, or Emily is right in so many ways.

I just rolled over in my bed and ignored it, letting sleep take me.