Alone This Holiday
Light A Candle.
The streets outside were glittering, the frosted flakes of snow clinging to every surface. As the evening started to descend upon the neighbourhood, houses started to blink reds, blues, whites and yellows and flashing Santa’s started to make their way up chimneys.
Cheery carol singers could be heard miles away, and the contagious sound of children’s laughter filled the air. Christmas spirit was all around it seemed, in all but one household.
“Gerard, stop!” Bert exclaimed, throwing another t-shirt into a suitcase. His long, straggly hair was draped around his shoulders, and had strayed onto his face.
“But, why?” Trying to block his boyfriend’s path, Gerard gazed up at his lover longingly. “What have I done?”
“I just...I can’t do this anymore.” Bert pushed the stray hair from his eyes and tried to move around the man in his path. “Gerard, please...”
“I can’t just let you go! You’re my life.” Gerard bit his lip, willing the tears from cascading down his face. He tried to take hold of the hand that he knew as well as his own, but Bert had pulled it back as though Gerard was dirty. At this, Gerard could stand no more; he let out a strangled sob and moved away, wiping his eyes on the back of his hand.
Bert said nothing, but pulled out jumpers, socks, pants, t-shirts and whatever else he could find of his own from the set of drawers, piling them into the suitcase. He didn’t look up when Gerard tried to stifle his sobs; he didn’t look up when he heard Gerard walk across the bedroom.
His heart was breaking, he knew what Gerard was going through – of course he did. He knew Gerard better than he knew himself, but he needed to do this. He needed to be selfish for once.
“It’s Christmas tomorrow,” Gee mumbled, ignoring the goose-pimples that had risen on his chalky skin in fear of losing one more moment he could have spent looking at his love. Bert looked up at Gerard briefly, but seeing the desperation on the man’s face, he stopped packing and walked over, pulling the man into a hug. The slightly shorter of the two wound his arms around his boyfriend, and sobbed into his chest, knowing that this would be his last opportunity.
In that moment, they both relived all of their memories. The first time they met, their first date, the first time they made love, the endless laughs they’d had and their moments of tenderness. When Bert finally stood back, he too had tears in his eyes, but his decision had been made.
Bert quickly zipped up his case and started down the stairs, heaving the bag behind him. He knew that if this was for any other reason, Gerard would have carried it down for him, telling him that he was too perfect to hurt himself by carrying heavy things. But he also knew that Gerard would refuse to help him now, if it meant he was also helping him leave forever.
Bert lingered in the lounge, remembering everything they’d shared in this room – the most recent being decorating the tree together. He didn’t know what had happened between them, he didn’t know why he was doing this. He had to get out, he just didn’t feel the same. He didn’t want to hurt Gerard by staying for one second longer when his feelings weren’t the same, he was worth more than that. He didn’t want to give Gee false hope, but he longed to tell him that he wished things were different, he wished he could tell him he loved him – but Bert was never one to lie.
“Just throw the thought of us away, Gee.” He opened the door and watched the snow falling. It was beautiful, but soon the sun would come out and wipe away all traces of it, just like time would cover up any traces of their once beautiful relationship. “Forget about me, forget we ever happened.”
“But I can’t!” Gerard choked, stumbling through his tears as he walked towards Bert, “You’re my life, my oxygen! I can’t live without you!”
“I’m sorry, Gee.” For the last time, Bert took in the masterpiece in front of him. Despite the fact that his eyes had gone red and swollen from the tears, and the fact that his hair had become matted to his wet cheeks, Bert couldn’t deny that Gerard was beautiful – he never would be able to. He reached out his hand and touched the man’s cheek tenderly. “I don’t love you anymore.”
Gerard let out a howl of pain, he felt as though his chest had been ripped open and his heart taken out. His tears now created a river down his face, and although he could no longer see, Gerard reached out for Bert. He needed him now more than he ever had done before.
“You don’t mean that!” Gerard sobbed, but Bert wasn’t listening. He walked out of the door and pulled it shut behind him. Gerard wiped his tears, and reached out for the handle desperately, yanking it open just in time to see the love of his life driving away and leaving him forever.
Gerard stood at the door for hours. Time had frozen. As long as Gerard was concerned, he had no reason to live anymore. No reason to hope, no reason to breathe. He watched as parents started to gather their children in, remembering the time Bert had suggested adoption. He watched as bedrooms lights started to flick out one by one, realising that he was going to bed alone tonight, and would be forever. This was no tour, Bert wasn’t going to be back. Ever.
I don’t love you anymore.
Gerard slammed the door shut and kicked it as hard as he could. He ran upstairs, his footsteps hammering on the stairs like gunshots. He pulled open his wardrobe door with so much force that it slammed into the wall and he yanked out his art book.
He threw it on his bed before opening the front cover and tearing out the first page. He ripped it up into tiny shreds and chucked them in the air, creating his own snowfall. He done the same with the second page, and the third until the whole book had gone. That had been his favourite scrapbook, the one he’d drawn Bert in.
“Forget we ever happened?!” Gerard screamed, hurling the empty scrapbook against the wall. “Did I mean that little to you, Bert? That you can just forget about me!”
Turning back to his wardrobe, Gerard pushed various items out of the way until he found what he was looking for. He walked downstairs slowly, his energy now completely gone and walked into the living room. Collapsing onto the floor, Gee crawled on his hands and knees until he reached the Christmas tree. He and Bert had tried to arrange it perfectly, so they could sit in front of the fire and open their presents this year.
“Merry Christmas, Bert.” Gerard mumbled, his tears mingling with his words and making them almost inaudible. Gently, he stripped it of the paper he had wrapped so carefully a few weeks earlier and pulled out his gift to Bert.
Opening the box, he pulled out the contents and chucked it. Sobbing now, he watched as the white-gold engagement ring sparkled in the fire. Through his tears, Gerard laughed bitterly to himself.
“Will you marry me?”
Don’t say a prayer for me
Feel alone ‘cause I'm gone
I left you, make Christmas your own.
Cheery carol singers could be heard miles away, and the contagious sound of children’s laughter filled the air. Christmas spirit was all around it seemed, in all but one household.
“Gerard, stop!” Bert exclaimed, throwing another t-shirt into a suitcase. His long, straggly hair was draped around his shoulders, and had strayed onto his face.
“But, why?” Trying to block his boyfriend’s path, Gerard gazed up at his lover longingly. “What have I done?”
“I just...I can’t do this anymore.” Bert pushed the stray hair from his eyes and tried to move around the man in his path. “Gerard, please...”
“I can’t just let you go! You’re my life.” Gerard bit his lip, willing the tears from cascading down his face. He tried to take hold of the hand that he knew as well as his own, but Bert had pulled it back as though Gerard was dirty. At this, Gerard could stand no more; he let out a strangled sob and moved away, wiping his eyes on the back of his hand.
Bert said nothing, but pulled out jumpers, socks, pants, t-shirts and whatever else he could find of his own from the set of drawers, piling them into the suitcase. He didn’t look up when Gerard tried to stifle his sobs; he didn’t look up when he heard Gerard walk across the bedroom.
His heart was breaking, he knew what Gerard was going through – of course he did. He knew Gerard better than he knew himself, but he needed to do this. He needed to be selfish for once.
“It’s Christmas tomorrow,” Gee mumbled, ignoring the goose-pimples that had risen on his chalky skin in fear of losing one more moment he could have spent looking at his love. Bert looked up at Gerard briefly, but seeing the desperation on the man’s face, he stopped packing and walked over, pulling the man into a hug. The slightly shorter of the two wound his arms around his boyfriend, and sobbed into his chest, knowing that this would be his last opportunity.
In that moment, they both relived all of their memories. The first time they met, their first date, the first time they made love, the endless laughs they’d had and their moments of tenderness. When Bert finally stood back, he too had tears in his eyes, but his decision had been made.
Bert quickly zipped up his case and started down the stairs, heaving the bag behind him. He knew that if this was for any other reason, Gerard would have carried it down for him, telling him that he was too perfect to hurt himself by carrying heavy things. But he also knew that Gerard would refuse to help him now, if it meant he was also helping him leave forever.
Bert lingered in the lounge, remembering everything they’d shared in this room – the most recent being decorating the tree together. He didn’t know what had happened between them, he didn’t know why he was doing this. He had to get out, he just didn’t feel the same. He didn’t want to hurt Gerard by staying for one second longer when his feelings weren’t the same, he was worth more than that. He didn’t want to give Gee false hope, but he longed to tell him that he wished things were different, he wished he could tell him he loved him – but Bert was never one to lie.
“Just throw the thought of us away, Gee.” He opened the door and watched the snow falling. It was beautiful, but soon the sun would come out and wipe away all traces of it, just like time would cover up any traces of their once beautiful relationship. “Forget about me, forget we ever happened.”
“But I can’t!” Gerard choked, stumbling through his tears as he walked towards Bert, “You’re my life, my oxygen! I can’t live without you!”
“I’m sorry, Gee.” For the last time, Bert took in the masterpiece in front of him. Despite the fact that his eyes had gone red and swollen from the tears, and the fact that his hair had become matted to his wet cheeks, Bert couldn’t deny that Gerard was beautiful – he never would be able to. He reached out his hand and touched the man’s cheek tenderly. “I don’t love you anymore.”
Gerard let out a howl of pain, he felt as though his chest had been ripped open and his heart taken out. His tears now created a river down his face, and although he could no longer see, Gerard reached out for Bert. He needed him now more than he ever had done before.
“You don’t mean that!” Gerard sobbed, but Bert wasn’t listening. He walked out of the door and pulled it shut behind him. Gerard wiped his tears, and reached out for the handle desperately, yanking it open just in time to see the love of his life driving away and leaving him forever.
Gerard stood at the door for hours. Time had frozen. As long as Gerard was concerned, he had no reason to live anymore. No reason to hope, no reason to breathe. He watched as parents started to gather their children in, remembering the time Bert had suggested adoption. He watched as bedrooms lights started to flick out one by one, realising that he was going to bed alone tonight, and would be forever. This was no tour, Bert wasn’t going to be back. Ever.
I don’t love you anymore.
Gerard slammed the door shut and kicked it as hard as he could. He ran upstairs, his footsteps hammering on the stairs like gunshots. He pulled open his wardrobe door with so much force that it slammed into the wall and he yanked out his art book.
He threw it on his bed before opening the front cover and tearing out the first page. He ripped it up into tiny shreds and chucked them in the air, creating his own snowfall. He done the same with the second page, and the third until the whole book had gone. That had been his favourite scrapbook, the one he’d drawn Bert in.
“Forget we ever happened?!” Gerard screamed, hurling the empty scrapbook against the wall. “Did I mean that little to you, Bert? That you can just forget about me!”
Turning back to his wardrobe, Gerard pushed various items out of the way until he found what he was looking for. He walked downstairs slowly, his energy now completely gone and walked into the living room. Collapsing onto the floor, Gee crawled on his hands and knees until he reached the Christmas tree. He and Bert had tried to arrange it perfectly, so they could sit in front of the fire and open their presents this year.
“Merry Christmas, Bert.” Gerard mumbled, his tears mingling with his words and making them almost inaudible. Gently, he stripped it of the paper he had wrapped so carefully a few weeks earlier and pulled out his gift to Bert.
Opening the box, he pulled out the contents and chucked it. Sobbing now, he watched as the white-gold engagement ring sparkled in the fire. Through his tears, Gerard laughed bitterly to himself.
“Will you marry me?”
Don’t say a prayer for me
Feel alone ‘cause I'm gone
I left you, make Christmas your own.