Find Some Peace

You’d think that escape is something you can look for and find in any place.

You’d think that escape could be found in music.

You’d think that escape could be found in arts.

You’d think that escape could be found in sleep.

Well escape abandoned me. It ran away with every chance it got. It ran away until it had to face me like a guilty child. Only this child was nothing near an adolescent or even an innocent face. It was a boy-a man who would intrude on my life. He was now my enemy; escape was now my enemy.

And my enemy had the face of an angel.

A burst of cool morning air hit my face as I walked out onto my roof. Summer began weaseling its way into the usually fog-bound San Francisco morning sky. Remnants of last night’s party littered the ground, but I hardly paid it any mind. Instead I inhaled deeply and wished the night could have lasted longer than three AM.

“Hey, Manda…” Matthew whispered into my hair from behind me, wrapping his strong arms around my middle. His face burrowed into the side of my warm neck, his cold face giving me the shivers. I leaned back against him, feeling his hands rub up and down my sides. My eyes shut, inhaling his scent.

“Morning, Matt,” I breathed, coming to the realization that he was shirtless, very shirtless. His hands sped up on my sides, rubbing my camisole-covered skin warm. He turned me in his arms and held me up against him by the lower back.

“I’ve got to get to work here in a sec,” he said, staring lazily into my eyes. There was hunger behind that laziness, a hunger both of us had been feeling for the six months of knowing each other. It took not even a second thought from my mind. I pushed my lips lightly against his and awaited his reaction.

Caught off guard, he pulled back. “Manda… What was that for?” he asked in a breathy, unsure voice. Sure enough, that hesitance died down as soon he began staring less into my eyes and more at my lips. Our lips came together slowly at first, but aggression was unavoidable with both of us. It was in our identical natures to spread our passion like wildfire over one anothers bodies.

What can I say?

We were made for each other, Matthew and I.

With so little sleep
At least you'd think I'd find some peace in my dreams
In my dreams
But my mind still winds up on the same thing
The same scene
The same themes

Our lips collided, moving back and forth against each others eagerly. I pushed him back through my bedroom door to the eastern corner of the roof. Once through the door frame, my legs were fixed around his waist, his mouth doing indescribable things to every inch of my body. When my back hit the cold sheets of my messy bed, I knew we would both be late to work this morning.

Cause it's all stuck in my subconscious
Built up from every day
So I'm stuck with these nightmares
Where you're gone and so far away

“I need to go,” he breathed a heavy sigh into my shoulder, collapsing beside me. Pulling my bare body against his, he began tracing kisses up and down my shoulders and neck.

“So do I and we need showers, we smell like-“

“Love.”

I chuckled, pulling his mouth down to mine for another deep kiss before hopping up and dragging him to the bathroom with me.

And when I wake up
I realize that everything's still wrong
I'm still here and you're still gone
It's not fair
Cause either way I spin it
Separation seems so wrong
These breaks are far too long for me

Head lights blurred like an oil painting smeared to disheveled perfection. The clashing metals became molded as one. Two speeding bullets became one time bomb that neither driver had time to escape. Fleeting breaths could hardly whimper names of those they were leaving behind.

He never even saw the other car coming.

Hours and hours
I'm stuck inside this place and this town
And you're gone
Far away, you're fighting for your life all alone
I want to wake up and go home

Monday morning greeted me as it had done since Matthew was taken from me. It had been four months to the day that he was gone and a peculiar air had surrounded me ever since my eyes automatically cracked open. I was standing on my roof in the very spot he and I stood just taking in the sun rise when a pang hit my stomach that I couldn’t quite explain.

Well I couldn’t explain it at the time but when I look back on it now, I know exactly what was going on.

Change.

“Please, Amanda, he has to do the shoot and all of the hotels in your area are booked solid!” Kris pleaded with me over the phone.

I didn’t answer. I just stared at my feet and exasperated, knowing full well my brother made Kris call just because everyone knew Kris could make me walk on fire for him. After all, Tanger was the only reason why I didn’t go insane when Matt passed away. I think he stayed with me for a week before absolutely having to leave for the next playoff round.

“Okay, Kris, fine… But he better not be as crazy as you are.”

Cheers rang out on the other end of the phone. I blushed, realizing instantly that he was probably at a victory get-together or around a great deal of his friends. “Thanks so much, Amanda, really!”

“Yeah, yeah… You’re so lucky Trent and I love you,” I replied and hung up shortly thereafter. Trent, Kris’s current best friend in Pittsburgh, happened to be my step brother. My step brother also happened to work for the Penguins organization and dealt a great deal with the Mario Lemieux Foundation.

Was I in the mood to do either of these two a favor?

No.

Was I in the mood to take a complete stranger, who remained nameless and could possibly get me paparazzi-stalked, under my roof for god-knows how long?

Not in the least.

Would I do anything for Kris regardless of what I felt like?

It’s only appropriate I return the favor.

--------------

“Dude. She totally bought it!” I cheered in Jordan’s face. He threw his head back, laughing hysterically.

“Man, so did Sidney! They’re definitely made for each other,” the blonde snorted, running a hand through his freshly cleaned hair.

“See, that’s exactly what I thought,” I began, taking a long gulp of Sprite, “but I knew if I told her I wanted to get her and some guy she’s never met before together, she’d freak.”

“And probably cuss you out,” the black-haired boy beside me added with a chuckle. Of course he would know Amanda enough to say that honestly. He was her step brother, after all. “Thanks for helping me put this in motion, man,” Trent leaned forward, offering up a soda can toast to the table of guys, “now let’s hope they’re as made for each other as we think.”

Clink.

“I’m going to end up getting in at like two in the morning, man,” Sidney whined as we handed him his plane ticket. The brunette groaned and cursed a few more times before grabbing the jet black suitcase at his side.

“We’ll miss you, Siddo!” called Jordan, who took a swig of Petr’s beer while said man wasn’t paying attention. I shook my head at him. Petr sent the palm of his hand against the back of Junior Staal’s head in retaliation. “Ow, hey! I was thirsty!”

“Hey Sid!” Max called, a paternal smile on his face.

Sidney raised a brow and turned around, wondering why the hell Mad Max would look at him in such a way. He was about to wave at said man when Max shouted as seemingly loud as possible, “The condoms are in the top left zipper compartment.”

Fuck my life.

------------------

“I can’t believe I’m here at two in the fucking morning waiting for some hockey-playing, my food eating, probably womanizi-“ My breath caught in my throat at the sight of Kris’s teammate. I knew it was him. I only saw his face on every other hockey-related thing in the world. Kris had sent the face of the NHL to stay with me. At my house.

Oh my shit, I’m going to get killed by angry fan girls, aren’t I?

Yes.

Fuck my life.

“Uh… Hey,” I awkwardly greeted him, waving subtly. Our eyes latched onto one another’s as he drifted closer.

“It’s Amanda, right?” Sidney asked kind of quietly. Well, it was two in the fucking AM, after all, so it was understandable that he whispered. He probably just went through the last chunk of his life dead silent in a first class section listening to music and living the high-life.

As soon as our awkward silence became unbearable, we simultaneously set out to find the nearest exit. Outside, rain was beginning to pour down from the heavens in early morning heaps. I simply lifted my thin hood over my shoulders and waved Crosby to follow me to my parking spot.

“Fuck,” I outwardly cursed.

“Damn straight.”

There the two of us strangers stood, staring blankly at our soaked way home.

My baby blue Vespa.

I could practically feel him tense up and hold in a stiff groan from behind me. I didn’t blame him, either. Actually, I groaned, myself, and made a quick decision. The whistle I let erupt from my between my fingers was loud enough to hail not one, but two cabs through all of the ruckus. Meanwhile the brunette stood there staring at me as if that was the most surprising and painful thing he had hear his entire life. With that, I shot him a smart “welcome to San Francisco”.

“And go down Lombard,” I finished directing the driver. My new “friend” threw his few things in the trunk and was ready to close when I handed the driver cash. I was about to turn on my heel and put my helmet on when a large hand grabbed my shoulder.

“Where do you think you’re going?” the boy asked in a tone that I couldn’t help but find appealing. He wore a cheeky half grin all the while speaking.

“Home, where I’ll meet you in a bit.”

Raising an oddly perfect eyebrow, he took the helmet from my hands before I could manage to react. “No, you’re not. You’re going to freeze.”

“It’s a free country kid, people ride in the rain all the time. A little water never killed anybody now would you give that back?”

Shit. I think I hit a nerve or something.

I know something I said set him off because as soon as I was half way finished with my babble, his grin died just a tad and became a bit more on the testy side. Hydrophobic, maybe?

“I’m not a kid, for one-“

Oh, that’s it.

“-and you’re probably not a day older than me, so right back at you, missy.”

“It’s Amanda, thankyouverymuch, and unless you’d like to sleep outside, I’ll be taking my helmet now.”

That’s what I thought.

A sly smirk found itself plastered to my face as he shut himself up. Eyes narrowed, he set the helmet back in my hands and poked the driver’s shoulder. The man gave him an eager yet impatient look. The next thing I knew, the driver was handing Sidney my money.

“Wow, wow, wow! Not so fast, bucko, what the hell are you doing?”

Sidney stopped mid-money grab to glance at me then blankly shoved my cash in his pocket. It was then that he answered smoothly, “Just heading to my temporary home.” My hand automatically motioned, palm up, for the return of my money. However to my impulse’s dismay, the boy shook his head. “Nope, you’re getting this back when we get to your place on your little tinker toy over there.”

With that, I shoved one hand in my pocket and rubbed the other once hard down my face. “Follow me…”

------------------

“I. Am. So. Fucking. Cold.” Shivering, I flew through my tiny single-car garage and in through the door to my small house. The entire thing was like a playhouse, really. The outside was crammed between multiple other cute little houses on the famous Lombard Street. The outside was my favorite color; light blue. The interior, however, was much different. While the outside was homey and cute, the inside was designed by my brother.

You can imagine what a guy’s touch would do to a little flexible house like that. The best part was that I absolutely adored the deep dark wine and sandy color combination. My furniture was made up of few things. I had a simple back half-circle couch in the center of my living room, a circular coffee table with it, and a sleek black glass entertainment system shelf home to all of my DVDs and video games. On the same floor was the kitchen, which had very limited space, but was kept in extremely good, clean, and practically new condition.

And here’s where we hit our problem…

“So we’ve got one bedroom since I turned the old guest room into my office and the couch is a pain in the ass to sleep on-“

“And you’ve got no plan, right?”

“…”

“That’s what I thought… I can always find a way to get comfortable on your couch. Trust me and, I mean, it’s not like I’m playing so I don’t really have to sleep like a king.” Setting down his suitcase, he shrugged and took a long, good look around. “Wow… This is really nice.”

“What’d you expect?” I asked with possibly more sass than intended, but it’s not like I really cared. I just ran a clean, very damp hand through my helmet hair and exasperated.

“To be honest, I didn’t think about it. But it’s really nice. You take great care of it.”

“Oh, um… Thanks,” I replied bashfully. Naturally I was embarrassed. Hell! I was sitting there expecting some kind of snide remark! “Well make yourself at home, I guess. Bathroom’s down that hall to your right. The spiral staircase goes directly into my room so make sure you make yourself known if you’re coming up. I’m going to go change so, y’know…”

“Oh, uh-yeah I need to change too. Is there a shower down here?” the brunette asked hesitantly, motioning with both thumbs to the bathroom.

I nodded in return and turned on my heel to get myself clean and dry. “Just don’t use up all the water, eh?”

A sharp pang hit me like a flurry of bullets to the chest when he smiled back at me, the feeling of emotional constriction setting in around my chest and stomach. My turn was made with haste and I rushed up the stairs to be alone with my hurricane of thoughts and overwhelming pain. Oh, how I missed that perfect man…

The memories of our last and first moments together wreaked havoc on what little hopes for happiness I had found in the boy down stairs and his smile.

I collapsed hopelessly on my king size bed; cold black bed sheets unleashing shivers over my already near hypothermic body.

He smiles just like you, Matthew.