Find Some Peace

“It's time I went home for the night,” I spoke through a loud yawn and pulled on a hoodie Sidney had forgotten in the hall closet. His scent rose up and around my face every time I barely moved in it. My nose had grown accustomed to seeking out his scent ever since he had left.

Before I could make a clean getaway, Cheryl stopped me. “W-wait, Miss- I mean Amanda!”

Turning on my heel, I eyed my assistant impatiently. “Hm?”

“These were dropped off for you today,” she replied to my lazy acknowledgment of existence. Without any further word, she lifted a vase of flowers onto her desk. They weren't just any flowers either, they were all yellow roses and each one was in full bloom. I kid you not when I say that the vase was the size of my face. It was filled to the brim, packed full of identical perfectly groomed roses. A small white card stuck out to me. Deep down I had an idea of who they were from.

For your office.
I miss you, kid.
Smile.
-Sidney

A humorous smile etched itself on my lips as I inhaled the light rose scent. They were beautiful, absolutely beautiful. My heart warmed at the idea that he took the time to make such an awesome gesture just for me. Sure, his words were far from poetic, but it was enough for my entire body to feel like smiles. I felt special. Sidney made me feel special.

The vase was placed on the top right hand rather than left hand corner of my desk. A mental note was also made to bring in a little spray bottle of water just in case. Standing in the doorway of my darkened office, I let my gaze linger over the vase. A crescent shine smiled up at me in the dim lighting. The crystal-clear reflection of my office inhabitants stared back at me along with my own silhouette.

God, I want to call him so bad, but it's at least two AM in Pittsburgh... What a sweetheart. I wish I could hug him. I'm so happy he left this sweatshirt behind...

My grip on the cool fabric of his hoodie tightened, pulling the material closer against my body. I inhaled his scent one last time before jingling my keys around my finger and deciding to take off. There was just something about that delivery that I couldn't quite get over. Sure I felt overjoyed, surprised, ecstatic, and all that, but something was missing; something big.

“Well no shit, Sherlock,” I grunted, pulling on my helmet and mounting the bike, “What's missing is Sidney.”

---

As I laid there staring down the scar on my ceiling, I couldn't help but come to a short but significant realization. The flowers were gorgeous. They made me actually smile while at work for reasons other than the workplace itself. No one had done a thing like that for me in my entire life. Not even Matthew.

And his face... Sidney's smiling face wouldn't leave my thoughts. It killed me to think bout him being gone. The idea that I wouldn't be able to see him for months was finally starting to sink in and frankly, I hated it. Missing him was starting to become my new hang-up. I shook my head against the cold pillow, trying to think of something to look forward to. How about seeing him, Matt's voice kicked in, how about the fact that he's not gone forever and that if he sends something once, you're probably going to get something again. Think about it, kiddo. And call him in the morning. What time does he get out of practice again?

Shutting my eyes, I began picturing work tomorrow and practicing what I'd say when I called him.

“Hey, Sidney, just felt like leaving you a message. I know you're at practice, but I just thought I'd drop in and tell you that the flowers you sent me were beautiful...”



“Sounds like you have a thing for him.”

“Shut the hell up! He's my friend, okay?”

“No, not okay. Have you listened to yourself lately? You've like stopped dwelling on Matt at all and Sidney's your new source of happiness. I'm happy for you, sis, really I am.”

I rolled my eyes, leaning back in my padded chair. The count down until I could leave was making me antsy as hell. After all, it was Thursday evening, which meant that tomorrow would be Friday and then I'd be home free for the weekend. Not to mention Sidney's first game was soon and I'd have to set my TiVo to record all of them. “Trent, I hate to disappoint you guys, but Sidney and I are just friends. We got close, okay? It's a strong friendship. He helped me get through a lot so of course he means a lot to me.”

“And him sending you flowers, candies, stuffed animals, and God knows what else to you every day of the week isn't having any influence on you at all?”

“No! They're friendly gestures! And all of the little tags and messages on the things he sent are really simple.”

“Right, right,” he scoffed, chuckling.

“Oh come on. Have you ever heard of a lover sending flowers with the message 'Keep up the hard work, kid and don't forget to smile'? Doubt it.”

He inhaled and exhaled in defeat. It was obvious that he was shaking his head as he replied, “Okay, okay fine... Just friends. Got it.”

I paused, listening intently and taking in his voice all I could. “Do you know something?”

“What?”

“Do you know something that I don't Trent?”

“No...”

“That's not a very confident answer.”

“Look, all the guys have watched his face when he calls you. And he gets just as pumped as you do over hearing from each other and absolutely freaks out if he doesn't have his phone with him at all times. Not to mention he doesn't shut up about the jokes you guys exchanged. I mean, you wouldn't even break out the wit for me and Kris! Everybody here... We just think it looks and sounds like more than friendship.”

“Well it's not. We're just emotionally close because that's what it took to sort out our shit.”

“What do you mean, our?” he inquired, a smile showing through his playful tone.

“That's for me to know and you, my nosey relative, never to find out. Now I have to go before dad flips a bitch, okay?”

Trent paused for quite awhile. His voice lowered to a stern tone. “How is he?”

I replied with just the same. “He's dad. What do you expect?”

“Does he talk to you?”

My entire face seemed to fall a bit. “Only when it's business.”

“Figures. What about for your birthday? Does he ever get you anything different?”

“No, it's always the same 'just tell me what you'd like' business.”

“What was it this time? Another car?”

I hesitated, but found that there wouldn't be any harm in telling him. “Just a set of Ducattis over an awkward lunch.”

“A set?”

“Don't tell anyone, especially Kris and Sidney.”

“Wait, you had him get one for Sid too?”

“Yeah. He thinks it's part of a business deal.”

“Well it practically was.”

“Yeah... Well, I have to get going. I love you, brother.”

“Love you too, kid. Your secret's safe with me.”

A loud knock, as expected at exactly six-thirty, sounded at my office door. I called a happy “enter”, only to see Cheryl prance in with a box in her hands. It was just a a large square, black all the way around with a large gold ribbon tied securely around it. She and I gave each other one good look before excitedly dancing about with the box at hand. “Okay,” I made a requesting motion as she handed me a air of scissors if the need be, which there was none. The bow was easily tugged off and the box came open just fine.

The inside overflowed with white tissue paper. Holding it all closed was a a metallic gold envelope with my name written in what was obviously Sidney's semi-messy handwriting. I wasted no time in tearing the thing open while Cheryl urged me to read it out loud. I obliged.

“Okay, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that we miss each other. It also doesn't help that your brother and friends happen to love rubbing it in that we're close. I know we're not due to see each other for awhile, so I figured that I might as well give you this so you can start redecorating your room. Oh, and the sweater? It's special. You'll see why. I have another note with it. -Sidney”

The woman beside me practically tore the letter from my hands and discarded it on the desk top. We then began emptying the deep box of its grand crap ton of contents. As soon as we peeled back the thick layer of tissue, we came face to face with a framed photograph of Kris smearing some guy against the boards. I chuckled, seeing as it was autographed with the message “Your house needs more of me in it. Love you”.

“You know these guys?” she asked in awe of what turned out to be a small stack of photos like those. The first was from Tanger, then Jordan, Max, Marc, and Sidney.

“Sidney Crosby was the guy who stayed with me for awhile,” I answered in an almost dream-like state. In my hands was a black Penguins t-shirt with a plethora of signatures covering the logo in silver sharpie. My eyes settled on that of Mario Lemieux and I found myself ready to faint. “I can't believe they all did this... It's not even my birthday.”

“What's that?” Cheryl asked, pawing at a black piece of fabric protruding from the team photo.

Removing the last remaining tray of contents, I pulled out a folded jersey. It was well warn out and had some permanent wrinkles in it, not to mention it was about twice my size. I unfolded the whole thing and held it out in front of me. The note he mentioned before fell to the ground. Cheryl got to it first.

“Mind if I...?”

“Go right ahead.”

“Don't worry, it's been washed... It's been washed? That's it? I don't get i-”

“Holy shit,” my jaw immediately dropped. “This is the jersey he wore during playoffs!” I found myself nearly screaming. “I mean, I highly doubt this was the one he wore for the final set, but like... It's been in game!”

“Wow... Put it on!”

I was one step ahead of her on that note. Within seconds I was out of his hoodie and in his other “sweater”, as he referred to it. Sure, the thing was big enough to fit two of me, but I didn't care. It had the scent that could only come from hard work, set, and a damn great smelling deodorant. The feeling was quite hard to explain then as I held the fabric close. My stomach fluttered with joy, my jaw hurt from smiling, but my heart sank with the pain of missing him.

“I take it you got the package?” he answered with an evident grin in his voice.

“Sidney,” I surprisingly choked, sinking into my couch with the open box beside me. Hearing his voice and feeling the soft fabric of his jacket against my skin taunted me until I could no longer stand it. My entire body was crying out at this point for me to settle the craving. I wanted to see him again so bad that it literally hurt, but I wasn't about to let him know that part. At least, I didn't plan on it.

“Sidney, this is amazing... I'll hang everything up on Saturday when I have time. Thank you so m-much.”

The boy hesitated, smile melting from his once ecstatic face, “Are you crying, Amanda?”

“I can't help it, Sid, I miss you and this is the closest I've been to you since you left.”

“So you found the envelope then?”

“Of course,” I replied, pulling said object from the very bottom of everything. “I got the mix CD in one piece, the flash drive of pictures... All of it.”

“Good. I'm glad you like everything.”

“How can I not, Sidney? It's wonderful; all of it is perfect!”

“But...?”

“But what?”

“You just sound like you're not saying something,” he replied quietly.

Pausing for a moment, I pondered my answer. It was all too easy, really. “No amount of cards, texts, or gifts could ever amount to a hug. You know that. And... Now I should get some sleep. I have an early morning and I know you do too.”

“Yeah, yes, I know. I'll text you after practice tomorrow.”

“I look forward to hearing from you then!”

Click.



The saying “you don't know what you've got until it's gone” came to mind whenever I'd say 'goodnight' or even a 'see you later'. What was gone wasn't the person, but the physical aspect of him. It was one big taunting festival to the senses, really. When all I wanted was to hug him, to be around him again, I was force-fed nothing more than his intangible voice and pictures of us staring back at me from the computer screen.

Get your head back to life. After all, there are more things to focus on than-

“Sidney sent you something else! It's early and I have no idea what the hell it is!” Cheryl burst into my office. It was only around four and work for the day was done. All that I stayed for was the gift Sidney had texted me about receiving hours ago. He told me something else would be coming, but not early.

The small woman handed me a tiny box. It was long and skinny, not exactly the kind of thing you'd stash a stick in or something like that. I half expected him to send more stuff to deck my house out with since he had been determined as of late to turn my house into Penguin Nation's international Capital. She was with the same antsy body language I had as I removed the white box's lid.

The way I was holding the box lid, she couldn't see what I was holding. “Cheryl?”

“Mhm?”

“You know those like months of vacation time I have stored up?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Can I activate those within three day's notice?”

“I don't see why not. I'm pretty sure you're one of the few here to whom those rules don't apply... Why? Did he give you game tickets or something?”

“Take out two weeks for me.”

“Okay... What did he get you Amanda?”

“I'm going to the Penguins home-opener. In Pittsburgh.”