Find Some Peace

I hear you breathing in
Another day begins

The stars are falling out
My dreams are fading now, fading out

I've been keeping my eyes wide open
I've been keeping my eyes wide open

Is disbelief a natural response to feelings like this? It sure is a cliché with people nowadays. Every single romance book you’ll ever read is stuffed full of warm, gushy feelings and this unsure, paranoia that follows after that first kiss. I get where the girls in those stories are coming from too. The feeling is so unrealistically great, no one ever really believes it happens. Then the next morning they’re terrified of finding out it was all a dream.

That explains why I was terrified of opening my eyes.

Sunlight draped a thin blanket of heat over my face, in through the open balcony door. A draft swirled through the room, chilling the air against the skin of my bare arms. I was unsure of the weight on my middle. It wasn’t wrapped securely around me; instead it was perched lightly atop my stomach like a sleeping kitten.

Would it be that I would awaken to find that Sidney and I had never actually spoken the previous night? Would it be that my plane to Pittsburgh to visit Sidney hadn’t landed yet? That I was supposed to pick Sidney up from the airport now that my nap was over? That opening my eyes meant having to wake up and attend Matthew’s funeral…

Or maybe I would find that I had dreamt everything and I was just back in my bed, in San Francisco, still wishing Matthew was alive.

A slight stir barely shook the mattress and with it came the small weight’s movement. Sidney’s palm spread over my abdomen, thumb stroking the thin fabric of my tank top. “Hey,” I murmured far more casually than expected.

With a child-like grin, the boy responded by placing a kiss on my forehead and resting his head just under mine. “Hey.”

It wasn’t until a rosy blush touched down on my cheeks that I realized something that made my insides knot excitedly. I was staring at the ceiling, running my fingers gingerly through Sidney’s thick brown hair and I didn’t feel bad about it. He was real; the room was real and the goose bumps coating my arms were a sign that I was alive and awake.

And only Sidney had work today.

“Are you okay?” he whispered against the frigid skin of my neck.

I shivered at the sensation and squirmed. “Yeah I’m fine. Why?”

“You were just really quiet. I thought maybe I did something?”

A chuckle left my lips uncontrollably. “Right, Sidney. Somewhere between making out and sleeping you screwed up hardcore. Nice job.”

His expression hadn’t changed at all. It was as though I hadn’t said a word. “I mean are we okay?” Licking his chapped lips, he propped himself up on his elbows on either side of my shoulders so we would see eye-to-eye. “Last night was kind of… Crazy.”

“Max screwed up, you got the wrong idea, then you got territorial and long-story-short, we had a brief chit-chat and –uh- you know the rest,” I whispered with a small smile, eyes fixed on his. They were beautiful in such dim, white morning light. Every fleck of gold shone unusually bright; they were almost as defined as the city skyline as I stared it down the previous evening. Though there was a troubling detail I couldn’t help but notice in his eyes as we stared at one another only inches apart. His smile, no matter how big, refused to touch them at all.

“Something’s wrong,” I whispered uncontrollably. “Are you alright?”

“It’s not me I’m worried about… Are you okay with this? It’s only been a few months since I met you,” he replied. This time the concern in his face was completely evident. “You know I don’t want to make you uncomfortable…”

You should probably reply to that.

Well what the heck do I say?

That you’re fine and dandy. Come on. You know that I’m probably throwing a party somewhere over how happy you’ll be with this kid. The last thing I’d want you to do is turn him down ‘cause of me. I’ll feel like your ball and chain.

And you could never do that to me. I know, Matt… I’m just hesitant, y’know?

Just say what you feel. You know it’s cheesy as hell, but it’s for the best.

“I’m not goin’ anywhere, bucko,” I whispered as if scolding him. The boy seemed unresponsive until I leaned up and sealed his lips with mine, feeling the tingle of reality hitting me. The feeling was vacant until that moment, where he pushed back against me, closing his eyes. Sidney had a knack for giving me those butterflies people have around someone who makes them feel wanted and loved. Only that feeling had been magnified a thousand times as he gently pressed his lips against mine and brushed his fingers over my cheek.



Hasty footfalls and a symphony of raucous laughter signaled the safe home coming of Sidney and apparently some of the guys. Their voices quickly flooded the hall and it became apparent that they were rushing toward my current place seated on Sidney’s bed, reading, when I heard a loud thud just outside the door. Said noise was followed by howls of laughter and more running until the group had practically fallen into the doorway.

“Yes?” I asked raising an eyebrow. Shutting my book, I set it on the pillow beside me. “Have a good practice?”

“We did; Not sure about Sid here, though,” replied Jordan in the tone of a third grader tattling on another.

To be honest, his tone made me nervous. “Sidney, are you alri-Oh my god, that looks horrible! What the hell happened to you?! Jordan, if you hurt him-“

“Hey! It was Max!” the blonde snapped back in defense and moved out of my way while I made my way to Sidney.

My chocolate-haired wonder boy had what was frankly one of the nicest shiners I had ever seen. It seriously looked like another guy threw the perfect punch right at his left eye. Meanwhile, Sidney grinned like it was some kind of trophy won in battle and gave me a bone crushing hug to keep me from freaking out over the damn thing.

I would have gone ballistic if it weren’t for the fact that while being squeezed, I had a nice view right over Sidney’s shoulder. There stood Max, watching me with cautious eyes and a solemn, unsure gaze. He appeared tense, yet at the same time willing to speak to me. At least, that’s what I thought. Then again, his busted lip and left eye could have told me otherwise.

“Oh god, what did you guys do?”

“They beat the shit out of each other in a fighting drill. It was hilarious.” This came from Jordan, who earned a nice little punch in the arm.

“First of all, you guys actually have fighting drills? And secondly, your coach actually let you guys go?!”

“Well actually” Sidney explained, “we don’t really have set fighting drills, we just decided to practice some technique just in case we’d need it. You’ll never know. As for coach, yeah, he let it go for a little bit.”

“Yeah and when Sidney had him on his ass we finally had to break them up. Great fight, by the way.”

“What the hell, you guys?!” I exclaimed, gesturing my question with wide eyes. Jordan still had a dumb grin on his face, frustrating me all the more by laughing at the situation. “Max why the hell are you here?”

The man scratched the back of his neck and attempted to make eye contact with me. Our eyes met and broke apart all at once, initiating a part of me that was patient and concerned even in the face of a situation such as this. Obviously I was missing something pretty big. “You guys are okay now, right?” I asked Max in particular, concerned eyes mirroring his.

With a small smile, he nodded. “Long-story-short, yeah. You and I are alright too?”

“Always.”



The irony of Sidney and Max’s relationship both annoyed and confused me. Where is any of the logic behind fighting in order to resolve another confrontation? I highly doubted they acknowledged agreeing to disagree with their fists. That just sounds crazy to me. Then again, I was only ever a fighter in the corporate word. Stuff like this was over my head.

Men and their violent tendencies are so confusing.

I think human kind is a generally confusing, weird, crazy thing. That’s life.

Did they really have to fight? I can picture Sidney dropping the gloves, but… This doesn’t make any sense to me. How can they so suddenly become friends again?

Put yourself in Sidney’s shoes. You walk into the room only to watch your buddy kiss your girl. Whether Max knew how Sid felt about you or not, I still say given those circumstances and Sidney’s shoes, you would have beaten your pal to a pulp.

Once again, don’t get how they can walk back in here grinning. Max looks like he got mauled and Sidney looks like the raccoon that attacked him.

I think you’re missing the major point, Amanda. They’ve been friends for awhile. Stuff like this is bound to happen once or twice with their lifestyles. They’ve learned to forgive and forget. Maybe they get a bit banged up along the way, but an argument every now and then keeps their friendship strong and healthy.

I haven’t had someone like that for so long…

Don’t worry about it. Just focus on tonight. You’ll never know if there’s a party or something to hit.

Only time can tell.

Or my impatience.

“Hey guys?” I spoke up just above the volume of the TV. Kris turned the volume down a few notches in reaction, giving me his attention for the most part. Jordan remained glued to the boob tube watching some infomercial. “What exactly are we doing tonight?”

“I have no clue. Dinner and a movie? In, of course,” proposed Jordan, yawning and blinking for the first time in like five minutes.

“It’s still pretty early. I could call some people up if you want to and we can do just about whatever,” interjected Sidney before anyone else could so much as utter another word. A slight smirk etched itself onto Jordan’s lips as he nodded and mouthed something to Kris, who chuckled and smirked as well. My eyebrow rose in reaction, but I didn’t say a word.

“Me and Jor think we should get the girls, order a pizza, and watch a good movie,” answered Kris to my skeptical glance.

“Yeah, we’ve got game schedule tomorrow. Staying in then getting sleep sounds like the best choice.”

“Agreed then. Movie night it is.”



Horror movies never quite sat well with my stomach. Obviously watching The Hills Have Eyes was not the brightest idea for me roll with, let alone agree to. On the upside, I was practically on top of Sidney whenever something slightly scared me and he didn’t seem to mind at all. He just slipped his fingers in mine and held me close, warning me to the best of his ability whenever something horrific was about to happen. That, of course, was practically the entire movie.

“Great,” I grunted, standing up hesitantly as soon as the credits began rolling.

Max raised a brow, stretching. “What?”

“Never sleeping again.”

The boy simply smiled and shook his head. “Well we all kind of have to. I’m headin’ out.”

“Yeah, same here! Play nice you two!” followed Jordan on his way to the door. Marc and his wife made their exit alongside Geno and Kris not long after. Meanwhile, Sidney was grabbing the large unfinished bags of chips and putting close pins on each to hold them closed.

“Why did you sit through the movie if you were so scared?” he asked, assisting me in folding the final large, fleece blanket.

Shrugging, I handed him my corners. “I think I’ve been a loner long enough. Besides, I haven’t had a real good scare for years.”

“You’re a trooper, Amanda,” he returned with a half smile. “I just hope while you’re here you don’t get too bored in the mornings when we’re all gone.”

“Nah. Veronique gave me her cell number. So did Liza. I’ll have plenty of entertainment, Sid, trust me.”

It was cute how he always had this look on his face (Well, looking at me anyway.) like my words were crucial to the rest of his life and my opinions could alter his future—always for the better. Delving into how flattered I was would just be redundant considering everyone should get it by now: Sidney I-Don’t-Even-Know-His-Middle-Name Crosby is and was the best thing that had and has ever happened to me. That’s just it: The warm, uproariously too good to be true, truth.

And as he leaned down and captured my lips with his, a little powder blue light bulb turned on in the back of my mind and cleared the fog that used to sit there. We were alone, in his humble abode. The doors were locked, everyone had left with no intention of returning until late tomorrow, and now we were locked together in the way we should have been like two days after I realized he was perfect. Only, instead of wanting to get him upstairs and in his room, out of his clothes, I could imagine doing nothing more than making a good up of hot chocolate and sitting on his balcony, overlooking Pittsburgh. Call me childish; call me chicken; call me anything you’d like, but if you felt as warm and comfortable as I did, as I do, then you’d understand.



I murmured his name into his cotton shirt as he pulled me into his lap without a word. “Sidney, do you want to get soaked?” I asked urgently, but in a tone quiet and without much force behind it. The truth remained that I didn’t really care if we sat out there, in the falling rain drops, for the rest of the night so long as we never had to move away from each other.

“Yeah, kind of, actually,” he replied nonchalantly and stared to the heavens. The sky was an off pale orange, rain falling weakly from long, thin rain clouds over head. It was a bizarre occurrence, according to Sid, that it didn’t just pour down in buckets, and that it all made sense because of me. Of course, I had to question this.

“I can’t deny it, Manda. Since I got back, everything’s changed. The guys dog me all the time ‘cause apparently I got quiet after visiting you."

As soon as he finished his sentence, he got hesitantly silent. "Go on."

"Well, like my play is weird. I’m more aggressive lately and the coaches have noticed. I get a lot of verbal crap from players on other teams after laying a guy out and it’s so easy for me to be nonresponsive. I mean, like the only time I’ve shown my temper in the last I don’t even know how long was with the Max thing…” He took a deep breath, still staring at the sky and talking slowly with an odd sense of relief, like for the first time he could take his time forming his words. “You changed me, Amanda.”

Words so little holding so much impact doesn’t come often. At least, not like this. For some reason, my mind took it as something close to that one thing that described my old area code: eight letter, three words, one meaning. Sure, he didn’t say “I love you”, but for some reason my stomach turned as if he had. “It’s mutual,” I replied, turning my head to the heavens as well. “Because of you, I’ve never felt so…”

“Alive?”

“Happy to be awake.”

The dawn is fire bright
Against the city lights

The clouds are glowing now
The moon is blacking out

I've been keeping my mind wide open
I've been keeping my mind wide open