Find Some Peace

Why can’t I hear your voice anymore?

What do you mean?

It’s hard for me to really hear it nowadays.

Since Sidney came along, it’s been difficult, you mean.

Well… Yes, but-

No, that’s all I need to hear.

You sound indifferent. Why can I not see your face?

Because the blindfold over your eyes is the price you pay.

What?

He’s the blindfold.

But why? I don’t understand this… Matthew, I love you with all my heart; you know that.

On the contrary, love. If you love me with all your heart, then why is his name so suddenly written on its inner walls?

To hear that voice and be deprived of his beautiful eyes sent my mind into shock. I screamed after his voice, cried after it, lashing out as though maybe my hand would connect with him in a warm embrace not experienced for far too long. And then there it was, the warmth of his skin smooth against mine, holding me gently and cradling me to comfort. Only this moment of solace became a moment of empty sadness.

I’m here, Amanda. Please, stop crying… Amanda? Amanda, please…

I’m here now.

You’re safe.

Just…

Open your eyes.

And like that, the arrow of regret pierced the very heart that belongs to two men. And my stomach rose and fell. My heart beat as though it was dying out. The realization in itself broke me down, tore me apart to the point of insanity so strongly that I was to remain sane, and all because it was not Matthew who was holding me; it was Sidney.

I cried for what felt like hours and it probably was. Every uneven heart beat shared between this boy and I seemed to pass dozens of seconds at a time. As much as I wanted to lose consciousness, to slip into that state of being where he was alive again, Sidney’s arms held me there. Where I should have felt grateful for his affection, emptiness appeared and disappeared all at once.

Silence remained.

“He doesn’t think I love him,” I murmured into his smooth shirt, now resting my forehead against a pool of dampened fabric. His hand ceased against my back in the midst of a circular stroke of reassurance and he silenced even his breathing.

“He’s gone, Amanda.”

“I know, Sidney. God, don’t you think I know that?”

“Amanda-“

“It was just a dream…”

“Yeah,” he murmured into my hair, kissing my head. “That’s all it was… You know he loves you and you’ll always have a place in your heart for him.”

“But he’s-“

“Jealous? Well it’s his turn to get over it.”

“Sidney.”

“Amanda, I-“

“Stop… You’re crossing the line, Sidney...”



It felt like we had started all over again. Sure, the feeling of dread only lasted all of five minutes, but just knowing that Sidney was frustrated because of me caused more pain than I care to describe. He had become quiet around me for the remainder of the fleeting day during which we were separated by his practice schedule. Maybe that was a good thing, though, because he impulsively gave me a hug as soon as he walked in the door and we exchanged a few words despite our more melancholy moods.

I had just realized that nothing good was on TV when Sidney trotted out into the living room in nothing but a pair of sweats on and a big, goofy grin on his face. His hair was still dripping wert from his shower, body still shiny from the remaining condensation from the steam. Any way you described him, he was bronze and gleaming. I naturally raised an eyebrow, practically killing myself in attempt to keep certain unholy thoughts out of my head.

Yeah, that was a hands down loss.

“What’s up?” I finally managed to choke out when I realized he looked as though he wanted something. Only, he didn’t reply at all. Instead, he held his index finger up at me and began frantically searching the room around him. It took him two trips to the kitchen to realize that apparently everything he wanted was stashed in his room, under his bed.

“Sidney… What’s going on?”

And that was when he tore back the curtains in his living room and all I could make of the city below was darkness. “I’m not wet from the shower,” he explained and offered me his hand with a caring smile. “I think you and I could use a rainy day special? I have stuff to make a cake if you want to go for it…?”

Taking his hand, I allowed him to escort me to the kitchen. There everything was, thrown together in an organized mess sort of set up with every tool we could possibly need (or not) shoved in a bowl somewhere in view. Really, the place was perfect. The thought of Sidney standing over my shoulder brought the smile I needed to my lips and the warm gushing feeling to my heart that I so craved around this boy.

“Hey Sidney?” I nearly whispered, pouring the first layer of the cake into a mold and popping it in the oven beside the second. Meanwhile, he was decorating some little plain cookies that he found at some store with ridiculously colored frosting. He stopped dead in his tracks almost before I began speaking and turned slightly to get a decent look at me. Only, I was too busy giving him a hug to his back. “Thanks for this… Really. Great call.”

He turned in my arms, his clean hand cupping my cheek. “No problem. I think we both just needed a day. That’s all. I don’t want you to think of our relationship and relate the negative. You being unhappy does not float well with me.” He then gave me a kiss on the cheek, voice falling even softer than before. “Besides, you’re way too smart,” he murmured, kissing my opposite cheek, “kind,” a kiss on the forehead, “driven,” and a kiss on the tip of my nose. He paused for a moment to run his lips over the line of my jaw before finally placing a feathery light kiss on my lips. “…And absolutely beautiful to be sad.”

I couldn’t help but stand on the tips of my toes and press my lips to his. I supposed my reason for kissing him, and I mean really laying one on him, was more out of thankfulness than anything. If it weren’t for him, my life would probably still be at a slow grind. Maybe I’d have a better grasp on things, but I know for sure it would still be Hell.

Here he is, the little voice in the back of my mind told me in a tone so familiar that his face became vivid in my mind, Make your choice. You know that I want you to be happy. You know that I love you, but you have to make your choice and we both know you deserve far more than just having me as a conscience. When I finally realized that he wanted me to make my choice between both men, that he wanted me to choose Sidney over hearing his voice all the time, something in my heart came alive. It made the decision for me without that slightest hesitation.

I crashed my lips on his and wrapped my arms tight around him with half the intent on never letting go. At first he was tense, stunned perhaps at my aggressive attack on his lips, but that isn’t to say he disliked the attention. He held me against him gently as if I was some kind of glass figure and moved his lips against mine easily, gently, coaxing them apart without the slightest effort. Suddenly it was my back against the counter and my arms wrapped around him—and for support, no less. His mouth assaulted my senses, finding spots along my long untouched skin that I never knew could react in such a tantalizing way. From jaw to collarbone, goose bumps erupted all over my body and I could do absolutely nothing but stifle the noises threatening to tear through my throat.

I pushed away from the counter, walking him backwards until we were out into the living room. Rain beat down in the background, rhythmically synchronizing to his unpredictable kisses and lingering touches. We stumbled back. Actually, my directional skills backfired and I found that the couch was, in fact, closer than I thought it was. The back of my knees hit the nearest arm and I was sent down, half pulling him on top of me. The other half was made of him practically forcing me down faster with intent to follow.

At first I didn’t know what he was doing, but the way his fingers felt against my stomach, running smooth, tantalizing lines over my skin felt stunningly amazing. And I couldn’t help but force my head back into the cushions and let out a long noise I hadn’t experienced for far too long. In approval he bit down on my collarbone, where I was already sure there would be a nice big black mark later, sending my body into a frenzy of pleasuring shivers.

“It might not be smart to go any farther than this,” he half groaned, placing a long, deep kiss on my lips, “for my sake.”

Half of me wanted to tell him to shut up and kiss me, but the tinge of fear in his eyes was undeniable. Of course, my mind set wasn’t exactly in a logical, G-rated place at the moment, so being considerate wasn’t exactly top priority until I realized exactly how nervous he was starting to look. “Is everything okay?”

“I’ll put it this way,” he murmured, kissing me one last time before lifting himself off me and setting his sights on the hall to his room, “If I don’t take a cold one right now, you’re not going to be able to walk for a day or two and I really don’t want to rush like that…”

But there was this weird uneven tone to his words and the way his brow couldn't decide if it wanted to furrow or not got my mind ticking. “So it’s weird for you too, right?” I whispered back, pulling my shirt down from just under my bra. “I mean, me having these weird Matthew moments is getting to me and I just-”

“Yeah,” he replied with a saddened smile to hush me. “Me hearing Case all the time is starting to get to me too.”



You’d think that Sidney was flawless in his every day attitude, but I had it all wrong. Sure, at the same time I hadn’t questioned him, but it seemed so much more apparent to me how exactly alike we were and yet how different we could be. We were both going through the exact same kinds of withdrawals. Only I never bottles mine up; they were out in the open.

Now I was wondering what else he had locked up in his mind.

After his –ahem- shower, we finished decorating the little two-layer cake with ridiculous colors of frosting and dinosaur sprinkles, which I wasn’t surprised to find that Kris had given him. By around six the sky was black with rain. The city took on a dark, clean shine to it as the lights struggled to pierce through the raging sky.

“I wonder if the angels are angry. Maybe that’s why they’re so upset,” Sidney murmured, staring out the window with the exact same blank expression as I had.

“Kudos for remembering,” I replied, shooting him a half smile.

He acted like I hadn’t said a word and questioned, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“He’s been like my conscience for I don’t even know how long and, as crazy as this makes me sound, I can’t hear his voice anymore. It just… Bugs me is all.”

“I just keep seeing her face… But I can’t remember her voice well enough to replay it in my mind. I know the feeling.”

Tap. T-ta-t-t-ta-ta-tap.

“Hey Amanda?”

“Yes, Sidney?”

“Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?”

“Yeah, I guess… Why?”

“Well think about it,” he began, fixing his eyes on a far off building, “You and I go through basically the exact freak thing and then somehow manage to meet each other because of your brother. Then we started kind of getting along and… I helped you get through losing Matthew and you helped me move on just that much more from Case… We’re here now and I have the same strong feelings you do—or I hope you do. Without you…”

“Everything would still be upside down and inside out… Yeah, you are completely right.”

“Please tell me what’s wrong… Why are you so sad?”

At that moment, I could feel his eyes on my face. My stomach turned in one of those uneasy ways it does when I know I shouldn’t be sad or angry, but I am and there’s no clear explanation for it. “To be honest, Sid, there’s no reason aside from what you already know. Today just… Isn’t an amazingly happy day, y’know?”

“But we can try making it better,” he whispered, standing up all at once and lifting me off the ground with him. We moved maybe a foot and a half before he sat me down on the couch we had previously almost made our marks on. After setting me down, he told me not to move and booked it to his room.

“Sidney, what the hell are you up to?” I called after him, school girl butterflies working their way to my stomach. Excitement began bubbling in me, the kind that pertained to all things of the immature “first crush” kind of nature. Somehow with Sidney I felt like I was completely starting over from scratch on everything. He was slowly making me innocent again, making me feel like a happy child, and then taking my hand and making me well, fall hard for him.

He resurfaced carrying a mass pile of blankets and a few pillows which ended up engulfing the two of us in our laying position on the couch. “Whenever I’m sad, I take little naps or just make myself really comfortable. Usually, I crash out here. Maybe what you need is a little nap while watching the rain.”

“Maybe I just need more therapy.”

“Maybe you should just roll with it?”

“Sidney, maybe you should give me a kiss and pass out. That’s my plan, at least.”

And with a single peck on the lips, my favorite boy in the world grinned and pulled me closer against him.

“Hey Amanda,” he whispered against the back of my head as I turned in his arms.

Already I was finding it hard to keep my eyes open. “Hm?”

“I’m not going to leave you.”