Find Some Peace

It's all stuck in my subconscious
Built up from every day
So I'm stuck with these nightmares
Where you're gone and so far away

My heart shredded itself repeatedly in my chest, my body writhing in torturous pain. All around my already damp head, thoughts were swimming in a puddle of guilt consumed by Matthew and the fact that I had just insulted him by comparing the child down stairs to the man now in Heaven. I was making myself sick just thinking about it.

Tears burst from eyes with too much ease, yet the usual burning and salty stinging of crying wasn’t brought with them. I imagined that my level of crying as of late was the reason. It wasn’t a few times a week that I would cry; it was a few times a day. Sometimes much more.

Of course, my coworkers didn’t know that. They thought big, bad Amanda Seraphyn was an emotionless workaholic and nothing else. Funny considering I was the only one of them who had time for a life. I was at a point in my career where I could take a year off of work with full pay all the way through. The only reason why I was getting labeled was because I didn’t take any of those days off.

I always had to have something to keep me busy; to keep me from thinking too much.

At least I was making a fuckton of cash in the process. As a matter of fact, since Ma-he died, my career in advertising had really taken off. I went from overseeing the building process of a small toy company to being head of marketing the same month. To top it all off, I also wrote the jingle for the company’s next commercial, which would be aired on some odd hundred channels.

I should have been happy, right?

Don’t be a dumb shit.

No amount of wealth is worth shit unless you have someone to share it with.

Down stairs the shower turned on, which I could vaguely hear from my spot now dampening my bed sheets. I tore my aching body from its resting place and trudged to my bathroom. Limply, I turned the shower on and stripped out of my clothes.

The moment I shut off the steaming water, my body reawakened. It started off like a creaking engine does when it’s warm and heated and you turn the car off. My bones seemed to squeak and click their way back to some level of comfort, of strength. With the rise of the deep purple towel around my shoulders came a swarm of emotion that I had grown accustomed to seeing yet would never grow used to feeling.

I could still feel his touch against my skin, caressing every centimeter under the edge of searing hot water droplets. His lips against my neck, his hands just everywhere… All under steaming water that felt frozen against my blazing skin. It was only Matthew who could make me feel higher than heaven, speechless in ecstasy even in the aftermath of what he could do to me. Only Matthew could take the wind from my lungs at a glance. Only Matthew who could-

“Uh… Amanda?” the brown-haired boy’s voice echoed through my room. “Are you okay? I –uh- I thought I heard crying…”

I froze in place, wrapping the towel securely around my still soaked body. The tears that had once fallen in showers seemed to sit idle on the apples of my cheeks. After a brief few seconds I finally began functioning again, only this time I had to completely hold back sobs.

Damn him and his voice. Why must this child taunt me so? His voice, his smile…

This isn’t fair.

“It’s nothing; I just, uh, I slipped,” I answered softly, slipping out the bathroom door in a mid-length baby blue bathrobe. It was a modest fit so I didn’t worry at all about what his eyes would catch. It didn’t seem like that was much of a problem, not with his current position staring out my wall.

When standing in my room facing Lombard Street, the wall directly in front of me is entirely glass. The wall to my right is home to the door that leads to my bathroom, so the right wall and the wall directly behind me are solid. However, the left wall is also glass and in the “glass corner” is the gaping hole with intense dark silver railing shooting out of the ground to my ceiling. This marks the entrance to the staircase.

He shifted slightly, but easily watched me move around despite my lack of clothing. I turned my back to him with an ease I was hesitant of. Forcing myself to keep a watchful eye on him, to display that my guard was up, I would hardly tear my eyes away from him whilst grabbing clothes from the inside of my walk-in closet to change into.

“You’re still… There?” the whisper left my throat breathlessly as I reemerged from my bathroom. Clad in dark blue sweats and a light white t-shirt, I stood there awkwardly before him and brushed out my damp hair.

A set of magnificent brown eyes met mine, kind of like brownie mix when you first get all of the ingredients and put them together in a bowl. They shined with an untold sweetness that I knew was there, but couldn’t feel or taste. At least, not yet. He had to prove it. He had to prove himself before I could believe he was actually a good person. No, he couldn’t be good.
He was just a nuisance I was keeping in my home as a favor.

That’s right. This kid was just me doing a favor.

Yet watching him watch me and hearing his childish voice drift into my head, I couldn’t help but curse myself. He was making me second-guess his nature just by looking at me. And I never second guessed myself. Ever. I was always sure of myself, sure of my choices. I never messed up. My mind functioned like everything, every opinion of mine was a crucial business deal.

I wouldn’t think it if it wasn’t absolutely correct.

“Yeah… I mean, I was wondering if maybe I could get us some food or something. And I have your money from earlier.” He awkwardly shifted his weight from leg to leg, but coolly shoved his hands in the pocket of his jeans. I examined him carefully from head to toe as he turned his back to me. The bottom of his biceps peeked out from his t-shirt sleeves, the material just loose enough on his skin to look comfortable. His dark brown hair was damp and in oddly neat curls, like he combed it out but it refused to straighten.

I felt mesmerized and at the same time terrified by his calm, simple demeanor. How could someone like him do so much to me just by being?

I’ll tell you why.

I’m not a complete idiot.

He’s Matthew-

I mean…!

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

Blushing madly, I caught myself staring into the deep dark pools of his eyes. I cursed mentally and shook my head, forcing a small laugh. My hand automatically rose and scratched the back of my damp head. “S-sorry, I think I’m just tired. But yeah, food would be really nice. Um, just use my moola for food.”

“Well because I know nothing about this city, you’re going to at least have to give me some directions or a phone number or-“

I snatched my purse from my disheveled bed and rushed passed him to the stairs. “Let’s go!”

There was no way in hell I could stay in that room any longer. To have to see him standing there was bloody torture. I didn’t know how to verbalize the need. Hell, I hadn’t known how to think it; I was so distraught for those seconds. I’d hardly call the moments of thought seconds… They felt like hours.

Fuck, I’m rambling.

This “need” I refer to was having either he or I get out of that room. I couldn’t be there alone with him. Christ, I couldn’t even manage to allow Kris inside for the entire time he stayed with me. The last other human being to set foot in my bedroom was Matthew. That’s originally how I intended on keeping things.

Outside, the rain had ceased. The pavement was thinly layered with slowly evaporating rainwater, sparkling and shimmering a whole spectrum of lucid color. Neon lights danced under my dark leather boots, which pressed the gas gently as we headed down, down, down the winding street. For a moment I felt alone, like I was drifting easily over the cracked road. That feeling only lasted until I a black sports car flying through the intersection on a red light.

I let out the first fraction of a decibel-bursting scream and slammed my feet on the break, jerking to a sudden stop. Images of wreckage burst into my thoughts, blacking all other senses out completely. Body trembling, arms shaking, my unhinged jaw quaked.

I couldn’t breathe.

Smoke burst free from all possible and many normally impossible crevices of the second car. The first sat idle on its side, flames erupting and sputtering to life to engulf all that its carnivorous jaws could take. One driver struggled for breath while the other lay lifeless in his overturned vessel. His body, bent and broken, would be discovered soon by the flames with no hope of escape…

No hope for returning to me.

Two arms wrapped around my waist, a heavy, warm weight squeezing against my back. The dull clap of plastic on plastic rang into my ears as our helmets gently came together. A car horn sounded behind me, but it was faded and far-off in my vague mind. Everything was moving in slow motion.

Metallic shrapnel; small pieces burning bright individually, scattered all across the intersection.

The sound of ambulance sirens.

The sound of his voice.

“Amanda… Amanda? Are you alright? Amanda. Mandy? You can move now, Manda…” His grip slightly tightened around me.

“Don’t call me that,” I bitterly muttered, knuckles white against the black handlebar gripping.

“Call yo-“

“Mandy. I hate that name.”

“Fine. I’ll take off the ‘d’. How does Manny sound?”

“I don’t give a rat’s ass,” the Vespa seemed to kick itself to a start, “just not Mandy.”

--------------

We were nearly silent for the rest of the half-hour long ride. The last I had told him was to say something if he saw a kind of food place open that met his fancy. I had no preference. As a matter of fact, I had no appetite. Of course, my appetite returned the second he told me to stop at the Ghirardelli Chocolate Café.

I found a very nearby parking spot in front of the small shop, which was apparently open twenty-four hours these days. After he dismounted the scooter, I hopped off as well with my purse and keys at hand. While my thoughts were in smoky clouds he found us a small table in the corner of everything.

The small place was surprisingly busy for a café at some obnoxious hour of the early morning. I thought hardly anything of it. Then again, I probably couldn’t if I tried. We all know what was on my mind.

Sidney handed me a small menu, which I accepted with trembling fingers. When my hand wrapped around it to receive the thing, his hand did a double take. The brunette quickly released the menu to my hand, then set his palm on my retreating limb. My eyes twitched barely wider in a rather dumb-looking fashion in realization that his thumb was stroking my skin reassuringly.

It burnt.

I took my hand quickly, but not in that sort of offensive “you revolt me” type of quick. “I’m sorry. I really haven’t been at all myself lately.”

“That car didn’t help getting your mind off things, I understand.”

My eyes shot upward to meet his.

“Kris told me before I left yesterday. My condolences,” he whispered in an oddly soft tone for such a naturally happy voice. It even slightly cracked at some point, probably out of that awkward ‘Should I really say anything?’ moment of offering “condolences”.

Taking it in, I nodded subtly. So Kris did tell him. I guess that was kind of a smart move. I mean-I wouldn’t want him having to ask what the fuck was wrong with me when he got here… Then again, hasn’t he done that like fifty times already? Oh good lord; what a first impression. “Thank you…” My voice soon strengthened with the clearing of my throat. I focused on the ordering task at hand and sat up a tad straighter. I need to get it together. I already have enough I can worry about besides him. “I think I’m going to order some straight-up hot cocoa. What are you getting?”

His eyes lingered on mine, the tiniest of comforting smiles tugging at the corner of his lips. He replied with a very short delay, “Well I’ve never been here a minute in my life. What’s good?”

“All of it is pretty amazing, but I’m a plain kind of girl.”

“Yeah, I could really tell you like to be ‘plain’, what with the glass walls, ridiculous entertainment system, and the weird-ass street you live on. Very, very dull.” Sidney’s eyebrows slightly knitted together during his final sentence.

Finally letting a small chuckle escape my lips, I replied, “Well it helps that Trent did my interior design and helped me pick out all of the furnishings and stuff. And that includes the entertainment system.”

“So… He never actually told me anything current about you. What do you do for a living? Obviously you’re good if you’re living the high-life in California. Isn’t the economy supposed to be really bad around here?”

I folded and discarded the small tan menu. “Yeah, Cali is pretty hurt right now and damn straight, I’m good at what I do. I’m actually head of marketing for Hasbro.”

The blood seemed to instantly drain from his features. I bit my lip to stifle a laugh. “W-h-Hasbro?! As in… Transformers and Nerf and… What? Seriously?”

I could feel my cheeks flush. I stared at my lap and shut my mouth after barely getting a “yup” out to answer him.

“That’s awesome! I used to play with Nerf balls all the time with the guys and back home. Good memories. What a killer job. I mean, do you like it though?”

“I guess,” I answered with a relieved half-hearted laugh, “I mean sometimes it gets really stressful and I have to pull major all-nighters but that’s rare these days. I’m more like the overseer and editor rather than the one who actually comes up with jingles. I’m just the chick who listens, watches, and okays things.”

“But do you like it?” he asked again, leaning forward slightly and propping up an eyebrow.

I wiggled my nose slightly, then nodded. “Not as much as one would hope. However it pays money I couldn’t dream to make anywhere else and the people I work with are really great so I guess I could have it a lot worse.”

Just as I finished, a young man seemed to pop up out of nowhere to take our orders. I eyed Sidney as if to encourage him to order first. However he spoke with a very quick smile an motioned to me, “Beauty before brawn.”