My Thorn And My Rose

I pulled the scan out of my bag and stared at it. I could pick out its head and arms and legs. I never did get to find out what it was. When it died, I was to distraught to ask to see it, I didn’t want to know anything about it because I wouldn’t want to let it go. I’d missed out the part in my story to Matthew, about how Terry had hit me so hard in the stomach that it damaged my baby and killed it. I hadn’t told anyone, not even my parents. It was one less thing to have to talk about, which made me move on faster.
I was wiping away my tears when I heard laughter coming from behind me. I shot up from my seat on the floor, and sat quickly on the chair, hiding the scan underneath my bag.
‘‘Maddy, what’s happened?’’ Gareth asked when he saw my face. Quite clearly the tears had puffed up my eyes and made them red.
‘‘Nothing, don’t worry about it.’’ I mumbled trying to get the scan in my bag so they didn’t see it. Sean stood beside Gareth, looking at me concerned, he knew I wasn’t telling the truth, all of them could tell.
‘‘Sean, stop looking at me like that, I’m fine for fuck sake.’’ I didn’t mean to say that. It just slipped out. Terry had made me too angry to think about what I was saying. I saw his face crumple, I knew I’d hurt his feelings, all he did was care about me, and I threw it back in his face. I dropped my head in my hands, not wanting to let anything else come out of my mouth to hurt anyone else. I heard someone storm out of the room and slam the door behind them, then someone follow after him. I didn’t look up, because I knew who it was.
‘‘Where’s Billy?’’ Gavin asked, standing where Sean had previously been stood.
‘‘He left ages ago to answer his phone. He didn’t come back.’’ I looked up to see anger written across Gavin’s face. Billy was meant to be here to look after me, and he wasn’t doing that. ‘‘He said he was just going to be outside.’’ I told Gavin, who balled his hands into fists.
‘‘He isn’t out there. So fuck knows where he is! He’s supposed to be looking after you, making sure some crazy fuck cant get near you.’’ He was extremely angry now. ‘‘I think it would be best for you to go home.’’ He said, sounding like he regretted having to say the words to me. I snapped my head up towards him, panic shot through me.
‘‘No, I cant go home. I have to stay here, make sure no one…’’ I cut myself off, I couldn’t finish my sentence, he would know I’d been back on the phone to Terry.
‘‘Make sure no one what?’’ He asked, stepping closer to me.
‘‘Nothing, just, please don’t send me home, Gavin.’’ I begged him, but his face didn’t soften like it usually did.
‘‘Why? What’s gotten you so worried?’’ He asked me, kneeling down on the floor in front of me.
‘‘I have to go find Sean. I’m sorry.’’ I said, then rushed off out of the room, dropping my bag and the scan, not caring at that moment about it. Sean was alive, and it was Sean that needed to be kept safe.
I ran down the small corridor, pushing each door open to see if he was in there. I didn’t see Billy once so I assumed he had gone outside, not doing the job he was being paid for any longer. I found Sean and Rhys in the last room. It was small, more like a stock room for old chairs, speakers and microphones.
They both looked up at me, then Sean dropped his head down into his hands when he realised who it was, Rhys gave me a weak smile and came towards me, pushing me outside a little.
‘‘He’s really upset, Maddy.’’ Rhys started, pulling the door closed a little. ‘‘He just wants to know why you keep getting so mad, all he wants to do is help you, and it causes nothing but arguments. You know…I’ll let him explain.’’ He finished, gave me a weak one armed hug and left to go back to the room I ran from. I stood outside of the door waiting a few minutes.
‘‘There’s no point you standing out there, Maddy. You aren’t being very useful.’’ I heard Sean say from inside the room. I pushed the door open to see him sitting on one of the old chairs that was pushed up against the wall. I took a seat on a chair opposite him where I presumed Rhys had been sat.
‘‘I didn’t mean to say that to you, Sean. I really didn’t.’’ I started, but he didn’t look at me. He just had his head dropped to look down at his feet. ‘‘Sean, look at me, please.’’ I asked him, but he refused. I reached out and cupped his face in my hands, making him lift his head so I could see his face.
‘‘I swear, I didn’t meant to hurt you. I know you just want to make me feel better, look out for me and make sure I’m ok but I cant help but snap. I don’t mean it but Terry…’’ The Sean cut me off.
‘‘He called again?’’ He asked, angry.
‘‘Yes, and I know Gavin said not to answer but I was curious, I had to. He just made me so angry. I never mean to take it out on you, or anyone, it just happens. I’m sorry.’’ I apologised.
‘‘I cant keep dealing with it, Maddy. I want to help you, I want to be with you because I love you, but I cant handle you taking your anger out on me when I do nothing wrong.’’ His statement made me feel sick with guilt. I dropped my hands from his face but he held them both. ‘‘What did he say?’’ He asked me, not leaving go of my hands.
‘‘I should probably explain to everyone, Gavin would have found something by now.’’ I said, causing Sean to tilt his head slightly in confusion. I pulled him up from his seat and walked towards the door. Just then he pulled me back and crashed his lips to mine.
‘‘I’m not giving up on you again. You just need to promise that you’ll start talking about things.’’ He said as he pulled away.
I nodded, and led him back up to the room.