My Thorn And My Rose

Their last day of tour was a home show so we were all headed back down to Cardiff.
‘‘I’m actually pretty happy to be heading back home.’’ Sean said as we all sat up front of the bus. ‘‘Not that I haven’t liked being on tour, I just neeeed my own bed back.’’ He said, accentuating the need.
‘‘Yeah, me too.’’ Rhys agreed, rubbing his back.
Sean had given me my phone back, since we were on our way back home. Plus, Terry had only called twice more so Gavin had also approved of Sean giving me my phone back. He’d been keeping it for about two weeks of their tour so I’d been having to force myself to sleep without Sam’s singing.
I flicked through the images again on my phone, making sure none had been deleted. I trusted that Sean wouldn’t do that, but I didn’t trust Gavin enough not to. He was my brother and thought it was quite alright to go through my things and delete what he thought to be unnecessary. Everything was there though so I gave out a relieved sigh. Sean looked over my shoulder to see what I was looking at, his face crumpled a little and he turned away from me, sighing heavily.
I knew what he saw had upset him so I turned my phone off and put it in my bag, I tried to make conversation with him, but he only replied with one worded answers.
The rest of the bus journey down to Cardiff was awkward between Sean and I. the rest of the guys didn’t seem to pick up on it though because Sean was just acting his normal self in front of them. I did intend to ask him what was wrong when we were alone though.
‘‘Few more mile and we’re back home.’’ I heard the driver of their bus shout. They all cheered and I stood up to go sort out the back of the bus, knowing I was bound to leave something behind.
‘‘Where are you going?’’ I heard Matthew ask me as I left the area at the front where they were all sat.
‘‘Get my things together.’’ I replied then walked away. I pulled my large bag up onto the couch, making sure my clothes, shoes, toiletries etc, were all there. I checked my shoulder bag to make sure my possessions were all still in it and nothing missing. I tidied the area where I had been sleeping for the past few month and slumped down onto the couch.
‘‘Can I come in?’’ I heard Matthew ask me through the door.
‘‘Of course.’’ I told him, moving along so he could sit himself next to me. He shuffled in, closing the door behind him and took a seat next to me, staring at the side of my face intently since I didn’t turn to look at him.
‘‘There’s something wrong with you.’’ He piped up after a few minutes of silence.
‘‘…There is?’’ I asked him, knowing he was right, but hopefully trying to throw him off and make him think he was wrong.
‘‘Yup, you and Sean haven’t been talking properly. He hasn’t even looked at you much. What’s on your phone?’’ He asked me, clearly noticing that’s when the ignorance had started.
‘‘Its just, stuff…’’ I lied. Matthew would have known that anyway, they all knew when I lied.
‘‘Just tell me, Maddy. I’ll help you understand why Sean’s being the way he is.’’ Matthew urged.
‘‘Sam.’’ I muttered under my breath. I knew fine well that’s the only reason Sean was being the way he was with me.
Matthew made an O shape with his mouth, cleared his throat and began. ‘‘I know what his exact words will be when you ask him about this whole situation.’’ He said, matter of factly. ‘‘He’ll want to know why you still need Sam when you have him, alive an well next to you.’’ The bus came to a stop just as Matthew had stopped talking. ‘‘Looks like we’re here.’’ He beamed jumping up from his seat. ‘‘Trust me, he wont stay mad forever, you just need to talk.’’ Matthew finished then left the back of the bus. I trailed after him, dragging my bag and stepping off the bus. It was nice outside. Warm with a light breeze, I could see the sun stuck behind a cloud but just enough of it pushed out to warm up my skin. I stood for a moment, ignoring everyone around me, just glad to be back home and that I would see my parents very soon.
‘‘You’re not in LA, Maddy.’’ James said as he bumped my arm walking past me, ‘‘its not sunbathing weather.’’ He joked and I poked my tongue out at him, still taking in the sun.
I saw Sean grabbing his small suitcase from underneath the bus and I jogged over to him before he could go get lost inside the venue.
‘‘Can we talk? Please?’’ I asked him, trying not to beg. He looked down at the floor, kicked a few stones about his feet, asked Gavin to get his suitcase then walked into the venue with me. We found a quiet room in the back, which didn’t actually have a lot in. It had the odd chair or two, and a small table, looked more like an interview room.
‘‘What?’’ He snapped as I shut the door. I wasn’t actually surprised by his tone, I was expecting it. But it hurt me none the less. I took a seat furthest away from him and he sighed then perched himself on the edge of the table so he was sitting right in front of me, resting his hands on my knees. ‘‘I’m sorry, Maddy.’’ He started, but I didn’t let him continue.
‘‘No, don’t say that. You don’t need to be sorry. I’m the one that needs to be sorry, Sean.’’ He didn’t attempt to say anything else, I knew he was waiting for me to explain why I was sorry, and I knew all to well he knew my reason before I explained it. ‘‘I didn’t mean to upset you earlier, I didn’t know having the pictures of Sam would hurt you so much.’’ I said.
‘‘Why do you still need them, Maddy? I’m here for you. I know I might not compare to Sam on some levels…or any levels, but I’m here, alive and well. I can look after you, I’m trying to make you happy but I cant achieve that if you’re still hung up on Sam. I don’t want and don’t like, to be second best to people. Especially not if that person isn’t here anymore. What can I actually do to make you understand that having you love Sam so much hurts me? ’’ He asked, his hands still resting on my knees his eyes glued to mine. His words were the same as what Matthew said he would say.
‘‘I do understand, now. And I don’t know why I still need them. I guess it makes me feel like he’s still apart of me.’’ I stalled for a second. ‘‘But he’s not…and he never will be…and I need to move on.’’ My words were slow to come out, but I meant each and every one of them. ‘‘I’ll delete them, they’ll go, forever. I’ll move on. He cant make me happy anymore. Yes, the memories he gave me can, but not him as a person.’’ I almost stuttered over all of my words at what I was going to do, but I didn’t want to hurt Sean anymore. He didn’t deserve that.
‘‘Maddy, you don’t have to do this now. I know I sound like I’m contradicting myself but you don’t have to do it right this second. I feel like I’m forcing you to do it, and I wouldn’t be happy with myself if I made you do that.’’ His hands moved from my knees and he held both of my hands. ‘‘In your own time, not right now.’’ He said then leant forward and kissed my forehead.