My Thorn And My Rose

I sat and flicked through the images for one last time. Sean was away doing sound check, so I had until he got back to delete them. Of course I had pictures of Sam at home, framed and put away in a draw somewhere, but with them being on my phone they were always there when I needed to see his face. But if I wanted to move on, and stop hurting Sean…they had to go.
I started at the first image, I looked at his face, took in every detail. His hair, eyes, smile, then I went to the menu, down to delete image, I pressed ok. It asked me if I was sure. I wasn’t, not one part of me was sure that I wanted to erase Sam from my life. He would never be fully gone. There was always going to be some part of Sam around, because Sam helped me become the person I was, and I couldn’t forget that. I clicked yes, and it vanished. I wanted to bring it back at that moment but I couldn’t. I did the same for the next seven images. I took in every last detail of every image, where we were, what we had been doing, I could even recall the conversation we’d had. I smiled at the thought of me being able to remember all of that, then, I went to the menu, and deleted them. It took me half an hour to actually delete all of the images, just because I was so reluctant to do so. But to be honest, I didn’t need them. I could see them all so vividly in my mind. Each one of them. There were no images left in my phone. It was empty, quite like how I felt. But I knew that space could be filled again, with happy memories of Sean and I.
The only thing I wasn’t going to delete was his song. Sean didn’t know it was there, neither did Gavin. Just me, and it wasn’t going to where ever my images had gone. It was staying on my phone, because it was the only time I could ever hear him speak…I didn’t want to forget his voice. Not ever.
The door opened and the guys all traipsed into the room. Sean’s brother, Jay, was also with them, since we weren’t too far away from Meryth Tydfil, he had driven down to see their last show.
‘‘Hey, Maddy!’’ He beamed and he sat himself next to me on one of the hard stools. ‘‘I hear about you and Sean.’’ He grinned, nudging me in the side, lightly.
I smiled, looked towards Sean-who actually had a genuine smile attached to his face as he looked at me-then back at Jay. ‘‘You hear very right.’’ I replied, only just being able to hold in my excitement that Sean had actually told his brother about us…it was one step towards him not being as upset with me.
I looked back to Sean and his gaze dropped to my hand, which was currently clutching onto my phone. He walked over slowly, pushing Jay off his seat.
‘‘What the fuck was that for?’’ He asked, propping himself up on his elbow and rubbing his leg.
‘‘For not giving Maddy breathing space.’’ He replied, smiling down at his brother. Jay got up and walked past us, kicking Sean in the leg as he went by. Sean stretched out his leg in an attempt to trip Jay, but failed miserably then sat upright in Jay’s previous seat to look at me.
He opened his mouth so say something, but nothing actually came out. I knew what he wanted to ask, but finding the right words without sounding to happy about it was going to be hard.
‘‘Yes, they’re gone.’’ I told him, putting him out of his misery of trying to string a sentence together.
He looked to the floor, then back to me. ‘‘I’m sorry. I feel like I made you do it…’’ He started with an apology, but he really didn’t need to.
‘‘Sean, I swear, its fine. You’ve helped me realise that, I wasn’t moving on or making myself any happier having Sam to look at. I was constantly looking through my phone at him on a bad day, hoping he was going to come home…but I knew he wasn’t, I’m realising that now.’’ He smiled then pressed his lips to mine, forgetting my brother and his best friend was stood about a foot away from us. The room went silent and I heard Jay and Matthew chorus an ‘ooooh’ then making kissing noises, but I ignored them, I kissed him back, because at that point, nothing was going to ruin how happy I was.
***
We all sat around in the room, waiting for them to go on stage. Jay was going to be with me, so I didn’t have to worry about standing alone. Nothing was worrying me anymore because I hadn’t had phone calls or hallucinations. It finally reached eight o’clock and a man, like every night before, popped his head around the door and told them they were up next. They all left the room and I followed behind with Jay.
‘‘Why didn’t you come for the whole tour?’’ I asked him as we neared the stage.
‘‘My job wouldn’t give me any time off…I’ve already left to come on three tours before now…so I didn’t expect my boss to let me.’’ He grinned sheepishly. I chuckled and stood in my position at the side. Sean kissed my cheek, slapped the side of Jay’s head then ran on stage, Gavin following after hugging me.
They were absolutely amazing, putting every last bit of energy they had into their set. It was their last show after all, they wanted to make it special.
Halfway through the set, Jay left to go take some pictures of them, telling me he’d be back in about twenty minutes. I smiled, nodded then went back to watching them play.
‘‘Maddy?’’ I heard a voice ask. I turned to see Billy, standing there. He had his black suit on that I always saw him in…but I didn’t recall Gavin saying he had brought him back, especially not just for the last show.
‘‘Billy?’’ I asked as I stepped a little closer. He nodded slowly and glanced to the stage, probably making sure he wasn’t in view of Gavin. ‘‘Why are you here? How did you even get back here?’’ I asked him, slightly confused and curious.
‘‘I told them Gavin hired me again, showed them my pass. They let me through easy…but I’m here to apologise.’’ He said, his tone dropping which was making it hard for me to hear over the music.
‘‘Apologise for what?’’ I asked him.
‘‘It was me, all that time, I’m so sorry.’’ He didn’t make any sense.
‘‘Explain what you mean?’’ I asked him, a little scared at what he was talking about.
‘‘He knew because of me. Your number, about Sean, about needing someone with you…’’ He trailed off. Then it dawned on me, Billy was the one who was telling Terry everything. The man protecting me was the man I needed to be protected from. I backed away slowly, back to the side of the stage in hopes one of them could see me.
‘‘I’m so sorry, Maddy. I never meant to be involved, I’ve known Terry a while, he asked me a favour, I owed him so I did it. I didn’t know you would get hurt in the process.’’ He rambled, I didn’t want to hear it. I was too scared to say anything. What if he intended to hurt me now?
‘‘I haven’t spoke with Terry since I lost this job. I just wanted to come and apologise to you.’’ He edged closer to me, but I backed away even further. I looked to the stage, they were nearing the end of a song. Sean looked over at me, a grin on his face, but it faltered when he realised my panic. He whispered something to Gavin, which made Gavin turn and look at me too. The worry and confusion spread across his features. I didn’t want to wreck their show, but I was too scared to be alone.
Sean came to my side, then looked up to see Billy standing in front of me.
‘‘What the fuck are you doing here? We didn’t want you back.’’ He shouted, making Billy look around frantically.
‘‘I’m sorry, Maddy.’’ Was the last thing he said, and made an exit. My breathing slowed and I managed to look at Sean.
‘‘It was him, all this time. He was the one telling Terry things.’’ I stuttered.