My Thorn And My Rose

I sat and flicked through the images, over and over. There was a few of me and Sam together, then a few of Sam on his own. His big goofy grin, long blonde hair and big blue eyes were enough to make my tears start. I had also recorded him singing a song to me. It was Stevie Wonder’s, I Just Called To Say I Love You. It was the only thing that could get me to sleep. He sang it to me every night, and now, I couldn’t bear to not listen to it. I plugged my head phones into my phone and pressed play. His voice rang through my ears, each word I clung onto, that with some hope, he would actually call me one day, telling me he loved me, and that everything would just be one nasty nightmare. But that was never going to happen. I was never going to wake up from it. This time, it wasn’t helping me get to sleep, because I knew I wasn’t alone in my room, where I could silently cry and drift off. I had to keep my tears in and myself awake.
The curtain opened and Sean was stood in front of what I now assumed to be, his bunk.
‘‘Sorry, I didn’t know whose was whose, I just sat in any.’’ I apologised, about to get out of his bed.
‘‘No, its fine. You can stay there if you want.’’ He smiled, taking a seat next to me.
‘‘Thanks.’’ I mumbled, stopping the song and taking the headphones out of my phone. I shoved them both back in my bag that was beside me and Sean closed the curtain.
‘‘What were you listening to?’’ He asked me curiously. I debated on whether or not I wanted to answer him truthfully. I knew he would only tell Gavin, and Gavin would take my phone away…or something just as evil.
‘‘Just stuff.’’ I replied, bluntly.
He nodded and started to twiddle his thumbs about. ‘‘Why you sitting all alone in here?’’ He asked me.
‘‘Not a fan much of the games, and Gavin was drinking, so I just came to sit in here, I like being alone. I’ve gotten used to it.’’ I told him, his eyes sunk a little. He didn’t need to feel bad for me, I was getting over that stage. Everyone else needed to as well.
‘‘Why have you came in here?’’ I asked him, trying to turn his gaze back to normal.
‘‘Everyone’s drinking now, I didn’t want to sit about being the only sober one.’’ He told me. He crossed his legs on the bed, knocking my knee slightly. Again, someone’s touch was all I needed, and his knee was enough. It was silent for a little while after that. I didn’t know what to say, and Sean was just being careful around me.
‘‘I don’t enjoy this silence.’’ He piped up after a few minutes. ‘‘Silence irritates me.’’ He shifted about a little. I took his hand in mine, tracing star shapes over his palm, and writing my name with my finger.
‘‘I remember when you always used to sit and do that.’’ Sean said, looking down at his hand. ‘‘I missed it when I left.’’ His tone was guilty, but there was no need for that. He wasn’t the one that left.
‘‘Stop blaming yourself for our break up, Sean. You know it wasn’t you that ended it.’’ I told him as I stopped tracing my finger around his hand. He sighed heavily, not wanting to get into it.
‘‘But I could have prevented it. Then I could have stopped everything from happening. I could have stopped you from going off the rails, stopped your break down, I could have even stopped Sam’s death.’’ His last few words stung. I didn’t like people talking about Sam. It was one thing that made me lash out.
‘‘Sean, there was absolutely nothing you could have done to stop that happening! Don’t blame yourself for something that doesn’t concern you. I was the only person that could have stopped that, not you, or anyone else!’’ I yelled at him. I didn’t mean to, and I could tell by the look on his face that he was sorry but I didn’t acknowledge it much.
‘‘What’s happening?’’ Gavin asked as he rushed to the bunk we were sat on and ripped the curtain back.
‘‘Nothing, Gavin. Just leave it.’’ I snapped and stood from the bunk and to the back of their bus where none of them were sat, thankfully. There was no where you could really escape to when you were confined to one small bus. I couldn’t storm up the stairs to my room and slam my door. I had to actually face them all again at some point. I sat and tried to calm myself down, thinking of a way to apologise to Sean for yelling at him. Before I had much of a chance to collect my thoughts into an apologetic sentence, Sean came and sat next to me.
‘‘I’m sorry.’’ He said as soon as he sat down. ‘‘I really am, I just…cant help but think, that if I fought a little harder to keep you, none of this would have happened.’’ I saw his eyes well up.
‘‘Sean, no matter how hard you could have tried, there was no way you were going to keep me. Its not that I stopped loving you, that wasn’t it at all, I just needed a change. Then I knew you were going to be away on tour and I needed someone with me. You couldn’t do that, its why I had to end it. I regret my choices some days, but others I don’t, because I know I was the luckiest girl alive to have Sam. It was me, and only me that could have stopped his death. If I’d never met him, he’d still be here, and I have that guilt with me every single day. So don’t blame yourself.’’ I explained to him.
‘‘You need to stop blaming yourself for so much of it too. I don’t think Sam would agree with what you’re saying.’’ Sean said, taking one of my hands and running his thumb over the back of it.
‘‘He may not, but he’s not here to tell me to stop it. He’s not here anymore and I blame myself for that. I’m sorry if you don’t want me to think that way, but I cant help it, its just how I feel.’’ I told Sean, a lump forming in my throat.