Insomnia

Tic tac, it’s an amazing night. It was at least, I can’t seem to be bothered by the time; it’s been one of the longest. The shiny sun hits me abruptly in the face, I cannot feel my fingers anymore, the medicine is about to kick in. I stand up and try to walk, now I have to crawl down to the bathroom, my mother wouldn’t approve of me doing this in the bedroom, specially since it was Sienna’s.

Come on, it’s kicking it, it’s rising from within, I can feel it coming up from my throat down to the sink. I no longer like this ritual, my fingers are too thin and short to in fact reach my soft spot; IPECAC is too strong and this coffee is too soft on my stomach. I’ve been bleeding a lot lately, especially on my gums and fingers, every time I try to induce myself I end up biting my fingers furiously until they bleed hard enough for me to drink my own blood. Blood makes me sick enough to do it again and again.

This hotel is disgusting, they don’t have coffee machines nor have proper sinks, they’re small and pure white, leaving a terrible mark every time I do my thing. The cleaner came yesterday morning, I know it was morning because I could hear the birds singing already in my head. She asked if I had a problem and if there was anything she could do to help me. Well, dear cleaning lady (her name was Natalie) my parents left me here for the week, while they go to another hotel for business and just left canned food, room service and no permissions to leave somewhere else; there is in fact something you could do to help me, you could leave me the fuck alone and go mind your own fucking business, I’m trying to end my misery and all you manage to do is make it worse, thank you.

What a terrible looking face I’ve got, nothing like Sienna’s, Oh, she’s beautiful! I can’t wait to come back home and remember how she really looks like, of course I will only look at pictures, for my luck, Sienna is long gone, dead and buried. She killed herself thirteen months ago, just the day after my birthday, ruining the only day I’d get the attention forever and ever; I know she did it on purpose. I’ve had to stand up from my bed now, I must clean myself and get ready to walk around the hotel, like I always do, but this particular morning my legs can’t bother to be moved around, I’m feeling heavier than usual and more psychotic, it’s probably because I haven’t taken my medicine in twenty three days, I must take it tomorrow and hope for the best. There are one hundred and three steps to the elevator, I have to get down thirteen floors and hope that they have the three cupcakes I eat every morning before my first thing.

I go down to the dinner, there is that young lady again, and that I know is probably just a couple of years older than me but looks like she was 40. There are just tiny wrinkles around her big hazel eyes, her lips are red and puffed, everything in her is practically perfect, except for the fact that she yells at the waitress because her food is touching and her teeth are the color of the inside of an apple. I don’t know her name and I wouldn’t like to, the sole stare at her smile gives me inspiration enough to do my thing and run upstairs, hating on food, my only lover. My teeth are terrible looking as well, but at least I’ve got a perfect excuse and care for them as much as possible, my dentist just bought a new corvette and he gave me a ride in it, not daring to kiss me he’s the one who’s fucked me up the most these past months, but then again, he’s the only one that truly knows my secret and wouldn’t reveal it for the world. I love my dentist, he’s the only I’ve ever loved and the only one who’s ever seen my true self.

My throat is sore, these cupcakes aren’t baked properly, the orange juice has 110 calories, the cupcakes have 250 each, and I eat three of them that means my breakfast has 860 calories already. I must go upstairs and get rid of at least 70% of them. I ended my breakfast sooner than expected, the lady sat in a table next to me, and it’s very awkward for her, since she always sits in the table by the window, with the white tablecloth that has a stain of wine she made herself in dinner 14 days ago. The thought of her teeth chewing on the same food that I could’ve gotten makes me sick, so I stand up and climb up the 13 floors back to my room, my lonely and now perfectly clean room, thanks Natalie.

It’s been a good day so far, the calories are now gone and I’ve made the deal to myself to stop doing my thing, throwing up isn’t healthy and is not properly attractive for a young lady like me, plus, Sienna didn’t do it and still managed to get more attention than I, I’m 67% sure that if I follow Sienna’s steps, I will still be ignored, but then again there are people who depend on my thing. My dentist depends on the bleaching bills, my parents depend on my cheerleading career, my sister Danielle knows what I do and wants to be like me. It’s way too hard to be an accepted bulimic, I was better off just being a regular girl who fucked around with school boys. I miss those days. My room is still clean, even if I cleaned it myself Natalie would’ve done a better job, but she knows no one is allowed into my room, after all, I’ve been in here for about 10 months, waiting for my parents to come back, the so called week has been extended and extended, but this time they’ve promised they’d come back for me, I don’t trust them one bit. I feel the urge to go downstairs again, the people in the lobby all seem lonely and bored, poor dears probably have no idea how hard some people have it, like I do. The young lady is there, sitting in that chair again, smoking. Her teeth are yellow because she smokes, and I was delusional thinking she’d share my thing. I walk up to them with the envelope in my hand, they’re all sad and insane, like me.