Our Secret Relationship

I could never believe that I would wake-up after making love with the man I love in a need to cry. But it wasn’t his fault. It was mine. Everything that has happened in the past couple of days has gotten me in this situation and I was now filling so, so…angry at my self, and sorry. Yes sorry..
I felt like there was a hard rock on top of my chest which was trying to get out with cries. I didn’t want to wake up Orlando, so I got off the bed as quietly as I could and ran into the bathroom, a bed sheet wrapped around my body.
I sank down against the door, opposite the door. I held my knees close to my chest as I dag my head between my knees and chest.
Sniffles and cries were escaping my mouth, louder each time, causing me to curl into myself as much as I could so I would somehow muffle the sound.
The bathroom’s door was suddenly burst opened, Orlando on the other side with a worried look. I looked at him with my red, puffy eyes.
“Hey” he almost whispered, coming to sit next to me.
“What’s wrong?” his arms were immediately around me, slowly pulling me in his lap.
“I-I, sorry, I am so sorry, baby, so sorry” I repeated again and again, wrapping my arms around his neck, holding on him as tighter as I could, breaking into millions pieces again.
“Shh, its okay, I am here?” he soothed me, rubbing my back in a stable rhythm.
“I-I didn’t want you to see me like this after making love, I am so sorry Orlando, really sorry” I mumbled again
“Hey” he said seriously, pulling my head softly, to be able to look in his eyes.
“Stop saying sorry. That’s why I am here. Who else is going to comfort you? huh?” he looked at me lovingly.
I kissed him with force, running my finger into his messed up curly locks.
“I love you” I said against his lips, kissing him again.
“I love you too”
“I really don’t know what I would do without you” I spoke again.
“Olivia, you are a strong woman, you are very strong, and you have to find your strength again”
“I know”
“And you are going to start from calling your mum”
“No, I don’t want. At least not yet, actually no I don’t want to talk to her neither do I with my dad”
“But-“
“Orlando!! If they ever decide to behave like normal, loving parents then I guess I can make an effort to talk to them again but right now, no way”
“Okay” he whispered, pushing away a stray of my hair.
“Come on, let’s get up”

The next few days were slow, quiet and Orlando-less. I had spent the whole week at my sister’s house, doing nothing but watching movies, NEVER TV, reading books, going to work with the little energy my body had, rarely eating and even more rarely talking to Orlando. Orlando was very supportive even though, we barely spoke. Only a few calls and messages through the day which were the typical ‘hi, how are you?’.
I guess he could understand me since he wasn’t making any scenes about not talking too much or seeing each other enough.
Sebastian was being supportive too since Orlando had informed about my bad psychological condition. He had insisted on giving me some days off but I had assured him that work keeps my mind off of everything and it helps me calm but he was still not giving me too much work so I wasn’t getting too tired.
So here I was now, in front my computer at work, doing some work or at least trying to until there was a soft knock on my door.
“Come in”
Orlando popped his head in my office, coming inside and closing the door behind.
“Hey” he was the first to talk
“How are you?”
“Better, a lot better”
“That’s good”
He walked next to me, resting against my office as he looked down at me, his hands in his jacket’s pockets.
Orlando was trying to pull me close to him, help me through what I was going but I was so rudely pushing him away without any explanations.
“Look, Orlando I am sorry” I said standing up, coming to stand in front of him
“Its okay” he looked down at our feet
“I know that I am keeping you away, and that you want to be there to help me, give me your shoulder to cry or whatever but I guess you also know that in situations like these, I prefer being alone, me and myself”
“I know but it’s been almost 2 weeks and I am really going crazy, barely any phone calls, even less messages and that’s just making it harder for me either”
“I-“
“I know that you want to be alone and don’t want any help from anyone but please let me be there for you, please I need you as much as you need me” he leaned in closer, cupping both of my cheeks, his thumbs rubbing my apples.
“Orlando, you are making it even harder” I turned my head so I wasn’t looking him, trying to get out of his hold.
“Olivia, you are the one making it harder, it has been 2 weeks, two whole fucking weeks and you are still in some kind of depression”
“Im not”
“well probably not but you are a step before depression”
“What? What are you saying?”
“I am not saying anything, I just mean that you should start thinking about continuing, moving on somehow. Maybe considering calling your parents or I don’t know, just do something other than keeping everyone away, pushing all the people who love you away from you”
“You think I want that?” my eyes begun tearing, my voice slightly rising “you think I like keeping you away, or my sister? Huh? You think I enjoy it, being all broken and not be able to have one just one proper day without tears and hurt thoughts? Huh? You think I like all of these shit that it’s going on?”
“Oliv-“
“It’s okay Orlando, you don’t have to say anything, just please, just go”
“What? Is that some kind of braking up sign?”
“It’s not a brake up but I think we should get some time apart” I said firmly
“Are you serious?”
“Yes, and please let’s avoid any phone calls or anything that will keep us connected. Let’s just have some time without each other, on our owns”
“Is that what you want?” we looked at each other deeply in the eyes
“Yes, that’s what I want and need right now”
“Okay then, at least you finally took a decision” he said testily as he stormed out of the room.

Great, things are going from worse to the worst. Aside from having already erased my parents off my life, I now slowly erase Orlando off my life.