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Episode 14: The Pope Hat Incident
[written by: ophelia_rising]
(Gerard is 12, Mikey is 9. They have gone to church with their Grandma Elena and have ended up in a room filled with the priest’s vestments. Gerard has picked up a white hat that looks much like the Pope’s.)
Gerard: There’s a lot of old stuff in here. Hey, Mikey! Look what I found! (puts the Pope hat on). Hey, Mikey! I’m the pope!
Mikey: Gerard, take off the pope hat.
Gerard: No, it’s okay. We’re Catholic, remember?
Mikey: Gerard, you’re gonna ruin it.
Gerard: Will you relax? Nothing’s gonna happen to it.
Mikey: Take it off, goddamnit!!
Gerard: Oh, you took the Lord’s name in vain! (raises hand and makes the sign of the Cross) Only I can forgive you now, my child. After I tell Mom and Dad and Grandma Elena what you just said!
Mikey (lunging at Gerard): Take that fudging thing off!
Gerard (running from Mikey): The Pope breaks an open-field tackle. It’s a Hail Mary! He catches it at the 50 yard line. He runs to the 40 and the 30 and the 20!
(Gerard doesn’t realize that he and Mikey have run out onto the altar, in front of everyone. They don’t realize that everyone is looking at them.)
Gerard: The Pope makes a two-point conversion! And, oh, my Lord! That’s eight for the Pope and nothing for the heathens!
(Unbeknownst to Gerard, the hat has caught fire, thanks to one of the altar candles.)
Gerard: How’s you, sucka?
Mikey (looking serious): Gerard…Gerard…
Gerard: What?
Mikey: The hat is on fire.
Gerard: What?
Mikey: The hat…it’s on fire!
Gerard: The hat, the hat, the hat is on fire! We don’t need no water, let that m—
Mikey: I’m serious, Gerard!
Gerard (taking hat off): Oh, holy shit! (throws it to Mikey)
Mikey: I don’t want it! (throws it back) Wait, the baptismal!
(Gerard proceeds to throw the flaming hat in the baptismal when he himself falls in, pulling Mikey in with him. The whole time, Grandma Elena had been watching the boys pull this stunt.)
Gerard: Oh, crap. We’re in trouble.
The End.
(Gerard is 12, Mikey is 9. They have gone to church with their Grandma Elena and have ended up in a room filled with the priest’s vestments. Gerard has picked up a white hat that looks much like the Pope’s.)
Gerard: There’s a lot of old stuff in here. Hey, Mikey! Look what I found! (puts the Pope hat on). Hey, Mikey! I’m the pope!
Mikey: Gerard, take off the pope hat.
Gerard: No, it’s okay. We’re Catholic, remember?
Mikey: Gerard, you’re gonna ruin it.
Gerard: Will you relax? Nothing’s gonna happen to it.
Mikey: Take it off, goddamnit!!
Gerard: Oh, you took the Lord’s name in vain! (raises hand and makes the sign of the Cross) Only I can forgive you now, my child. After I tell Mom and Dad and Grandma Elena what you just said!
Mikey (lunging at Gerard): Take that fudging thing off!
Gerard (running from Mikey): The Pope breaks an open-field tackle. It’s a Hail Mary! He catches it at the 50 yard line. He runs to the 40 and the 30 and the 20!
(Gerard doesn’t realize that he and Mikey have run out onto the altar, in front of everyone. They don’t realize that everyone is looking at them.)
Gerard: The Pope makes a two-point conversion! And, oh, my Lord! That’s eight for the Pope and nothing for the heathens!
(Unbeknownst to Gerard, the hat has caught fire, thanks to one of the altar candles.)
Gerard: How’s you, sucka?
Mikey (looking serious): Gerard…Gerard…
Gerard: What?
Mikey: The hat is on fire.
Gerard: What?
Mikey: The hat…it’s on fire!
Gerard: The hat, the hat, the hat is on fire! We don’t need no water, let that m—
Mikey: I’m serious, Gerard!
Gerard (taking hat off): Oh, holy shit! (throws it to Mikey)
Mikey: I don’t want it! (throws it back) Wait, the baptismal!
(Gerard proceeds to throw the flaming hat in the baptismal when he himself falls in, pulling Mikey in with him. The whole time, Grandma Elena had been watching the boys pull this stunt.)
Gerard: Oh, crap. We’re in trouble.
The End.