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Episode 26: The Swimming Lesson Incident
<Frank is 5, Mikey is 6, and Gerard is 9>
(Mikey and Gerard are sitting in the back of Donna’s car. Gerard has his arms crossed, and Mikey is sulking.)
Mikey: Mommy! I don’t WANNA go in the water… (pouts)
Gerard: Yah mom, and I don’t understand why I am even here… (blows bangs out of his eyes)
Donna: Mikey, you HAVE to learn how to swim. EVERYONE should learn! (stops at the light)
Mikey: Even Nibbles? (angrily looks over at Gerard)
Gerard: Hey, I thought what mom said about swimming was good…so I wanted to teach your hamster.
Mikey: Don’t you think FLUSHING him down the TOILET is a bit of a tough-love approach?! (glaring at Gerard)
Donna: In regardless, Michael you need to learn. And Gerard, I am NOT leaving you home alone. Last time I did that, I came home to curtains draped over everything, candles lit, and Satanic music. NOT TO MENTION the LIVE animals! (honks her horn at a stray crazed driver)
Gerard: It was ONE bat. (smirking)
Mikey: Oh ya! (shudders) What was his name again?
Gerard: I think it was…Sir Darth Vader…
Donna: Oh how original…okay, boys, we’re here! (parks)
<in the pool area>
Gerard: Mom, WHY is my bathing suit BRIGHT pink?! (scowling, sitting down on the edge; Donna ignores him)
Mikey: MOM! I don’t WANT to go in the WATER! (wails, hiding behind Gerard)
Donna: Mikey, honey bee…you NEED to learn how to swim…in case of an emergency.
Mikey: WHY would there be an emergency?! We doesn’t live near any lakes, or big puddles! (hugs Gerard’s stomach)
Donna: (glances up at Gerard) I feel safer when you’re *cough* prepared for anything…now please just- (loud splashes, followed by a scream)
Frank: MIKEY!!! (climbs out of the pool, shaking his hair)
Gerard: FRANK! I didn’t wanna…grr….(folds arms)
Frank: Hi ya Geward! (kisses Gerard’s cheek)
Gerard: Ew! Frankie! (Rubs his cheek) You have the brain of a paramecium!
Frank: Oh ya?! Well…YOU have the brain of ONE meccium. (sticks his tongue out) Mikey, come swimming with ME! (tugs on Mikey’s arm)
Mikey: I’m SCARED to…(lip trembling)
Frank: Aw, Mikey Wikey…just take my hand! (grabs Mikey’s hand and pulls him into the water)
Mikey: *spluttering* Frankie! Ack! These aren’t swimming lessons! They’re DROWNING LESSONS! (wadding into the shallow end with his orange water wings. An instructor turns around Mikey and Frank gasp at his overly hairy chest)
Instructor: (very strong Italian accent) Ah! Oo must be my idle wunaways…
Mikey: Huh?!
In-structor: Now that we is all here, we can blow boobles.
Mikey: What?!
Frank: It’s okay, Mikey. I speak a LOT of languages. AND my daddy is Italiano…so I’m REALLY good at this one. He wants us to blow bubbles.
Mikey: How many languages do you speak Frank?
Frank: Uh…a bazillion and three. (blows bubbles) Hee hee! MY BUBBLES! Hee hee…. (giggles)
Mikey: Wow! You’re almost as smart as my brother!
Frank: (scoffs) ALMOST?! Mikey, you’re brother (looking over at Gerard) is an idiot.
Gerard: I HEARD that! (angrily scowls)
Instructor: Now I vant to see the ‘dead man’s float’.
Mikey: THE WHAT?! (kicks off to the side) I’m OUT of here!
Frank: Aw Mikey, come on… (looks down at a mat of hair from the instructor’s chest floating near his arm) Aahhhh!!! (pushes Mikey out of the water, and then pulls himself out) MOM! There’s a CARPET in the water!
Linda: (looking over the tips of her sunglasses, while tanning on the side of the deck) We are DEFINETLY getting our money back…that was this month’s cheque from your dad…
Frank: Mommy, when daddy gets back-
Linda: Your dad’s not coming home Frank. (Frank looks down, sitting on the edge of a chair, sniffling)
Mikey: Frank, are you okay?
Frank: Wha? Yah…Yah, of course. (wiping his eyes) Hey, look at me Mikey! I’m a fishie! (drops down on the deck, flopping around like a fish. Mikey pulls him up)
Mikey: Frank, it’s okay to be sad about your daddy. (gives him a hug)
Frank: Mikey…this would be fine….if we were both wearing clothes…and not wet. (rushes over to Gerard) Hi ya Geward!
Gerard: Go away. (looking straight ahead. Frank pokes him in the stomach) Ow! What the hell was that for?!
Frank: You’re pudgy. But I STILL love you. (smiling)
Gerard: (offended) I…I…if I’M pudgy, YOU’RE chubby! (pokes Frank back)
Frank: (giggling) Hee, I know. (stops for a second, then pounces on Gerard, kissing him)
Gerard: Ack! (rolls over, falling into the pool)
Frank: Gee! Watch out for the floating carpet, dude! (jumps in after him)
<back in the car>
Gerard: Mom, I HATE Franklin Iero. (Running his fingers through his wet locks)
Donna: Don’t say that Gerard! He’s just going through a tough time. Poor Linda too…when Frank’s dad left-
Mikey: Mommy, can we get a pool? (Donna hits her head on the steering wheel)
Gerard: He practically MOLESTED me!
Mikey: Mommy, what about the pool?! (Donna repeatedly bangs her head on the wheel, causing the horn to go off every few seconds)
<*the end*>
(Mikey and Gerard are sitting in the back of Donna’s car. Gerard has his arms crossed, and Mikey is sulking.)
Mikey: Mommy! I don’t WANNA go in the water… (pouts)
Gerard: Yah mom, and I don’t understand why I am even here… (blows bangs out of his eyes)
Donna: Mikey, you HAVE to learn how to swim. EVERYONE should learn! (stops at the light)
Mikey: Even Nibbles? (angrily looks over at Gerard)
Gerard: Hey, I thought what mom said about swimming was good…so I wanted to teach your hamster.
Mikey: Don’t you think FLUSHING him down the TOILET is a bit of a tough-love approach?! (glaring at Gerard)
Donna: In regardless, Michael you need to learn. And Gerard, I am NOT leaving you home alone. Last time I did that, I came home to curtains draped over everything, candles lit, and Satanic music. NOT TO MENTION the LIVE animals! (honks her horn at a stray crazed driver)
Gerard: It was ONE bat. (smirking)
Mikey: Oh ya! (shudders) What was his name again?
Gerard: I think it was…Sir Darth Vader…
Donna: Oh how original…okay, boys, we’re here! (parks)
<in the pool area>
Gerard: Mom, WHY is my bathing suit BRIGHT pink?! (scowling, sitting down on the edge; Donna ignores him)
Mikey: MOM! I don’t WANT to go in the WATER! (wails, hiding behind Gerard)
Donna: Mikey, honey bee…you NEED to learn how to swim…in case of an emergency.
Mikey: WHY would there be an emergency?! We doesn’t live near any lakes, or big puddles! (hugs Gerard’s stomach)
Donna: (glances up at Gerard) I feel safer when you’re *cough* prepared for anything…now please just- (loud splashes, followed by a scream)
Frank: MIKEY!!! (climbs out of the pool, shaking his hair)
Gerard: FRANK! I didn’t wanna…grr….(folds arms)
Frank: Hi ya Geward! (kisses Gerard’s cheek)
Gerard: Ew! Frankie! (Rubs his cheek) You have the brain of a paramecium!
Frank: Oh ya?! Well…YOU have the brain of ONE meccium. (sticks his tongue out) Mikey, come swimming with ME! (tugs on Mikey’s arm)
Mikey: I’m SCARED to…(lip trembling)
Frank: Aw, Mikey Wikey…just take my hand! (grabs Mikey’s hand and pulls him into the water)
Mikey: *spluttering* Frankie! Ack! These aren’t swimming lessons! They’re DROWNING LESSONS! (wadding into the shallow end with his orange water wings. An instructor turns around Mikey and Frank gasp at his overly hairy chest)
Instructor: (very strong Italian accent) Ah! Oo must be my idle wunaways…
Mikey: Huh?!
In-structor: Now that we is all here, we can blow boobles.
Mikey: What?!
Frank: It’s okay, Mikey. I speak a LOT of languages. AND my daddy is Italiano…so I’m REALLY good at this one. He wants us to blow bubbles.
Mikey: How many languages do you speak Frank?
Frank: Uh…a bazillion and three. (blows bubbles) Hee hee! MY BUBBLES! Hee hee…. (giggles)
Mikey: Wow! You’re almost as smart as my brother!
Frank: (scoffs) ALMOST?! Mikey, you’re brother (looking over at Gerard) is an idiot.
Gerard: I HEARD that! (angrily scowls)
Instructor: Now I vant to see the ‘dead man’s float’.
Mikey: THE WHAT?! (kicks off to the side) I’m OUT of here!
Frank: Aw Mikey, come on… (looks down at a mat of hair from the instructor’s chest floating near his arm) Aahhhh!!! (pushes Mikey out of the water, and then pulls himself out) MOM! There’s a CARPET in the water!
Linda: (looking over the tips of her sunglasses, while tanning on the side of the deck) We are DEFINETLY getting our money back…that was this month’s cheque from your dad…
Frank: Mommy, when daddy gets back-
Linda: Your dad’s not coming home Frank. (Frank looks down, sitting on the edge of a chair, sniffling)
Mikey: Frank, are you okay?
Frank: Wha? Yah…Yah, of course. (wiping his eyes) Hey, look at me Mikey! I’m a fishie! (drops down on the deck, flopping around like a fish. Mikey pulls him up)
Mikey: Frank, it’s okay to be sad about your daddy. (gives him a hug)
Frank: Mikey…this would be fine….if we were both wearing clothes…and not wet. (rushes over to Gerard) Hi ya Geward!
Gerard: Go away. (looking straight ahead. Frank pokes him in the stomach) Ow! What the hell was that for?!
Frank: You’re pudgy. But I STILL love you. (smiling)
Gerard: (offended) I…I…if I’M pudgy, YOU’RE chubby! (pokes Frank back)
Frank: (giggling) Hee, I know. (stops for a second, then pounces on Gerard, kissing him)
Gerard: Ack! (rolls over, falling into the pool)
Frank: Gee! Watch out for the floating carpet, dude! (jumps in after him)
<back in the car>
Gerard: Mom, I HATE Franklin Iero. (Running his fingers through his wet locks)
Donna: Don’t say that Gerard! He’s just going through a tough time. Poor Linda too…when Frank’s dad left-
Mikey: Mommy, can we get a pool? (Donna hits her head on the steering wheel)
Gerard: He practically MOLESTED me!
Mikey: Mommy, what about the pool?! (Donna repeatedly bangs her head on the wheel, causing the horn to go off every few seconds)
<*the end*>