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Episode 35: The Tooth Fairy Incident
<Gerard is 10, and Mikey is 7>
(Gerard is laying on the floor, lazily sketching Mikey’s sleeping cocker spaniel puppy Max. Mikey is sitting cross-legged on the couch, his Easter Candy surrounding him)
Mikey: There is SO much to choose from! (smiles widely) Gee, what did YOU eat first?!
Gerard: (shading in the dog’s ear) I unno…I just…ate it.
Mikey: Oh. I think I’ll have…..this! (picks up a particularly hard piece of candy) It’s PRETTYFUL! Isn’t it Gerard!?
Gerard: Yeah, a real gem…(rolling his eyes)
Mikey: YUMMY YUMMY YUMMY I’ve got candy in my tummy!!!!(bounces on the couch, finally resting on the left cushion. He takes a bite of the chocolate) Aahh!!!!
Gerard: What the- (Max stretches and moves towards Mikey) No, Max! Gack…look what you did!
Mikey: (looking down at the palm of his hand ) Gerard…I’m bleeding…and you didn’t even do anything…
Gerard: We can change that…kidding Mikes! Blood, let me see… (grabs his brother’s hand, and smiles) Mikes, you just lost a tooth.
Mikey: I what?! (horrified)
Gerard: No, it’s normal. Remember when Ray was over, and he lost a tooth in Mom’s ravioli, but didn’t tell anyone…and it ended up on your plate?
Mikey: Was that the little white thing I swallowed?
Gerard: Yes. (nodding, setting his sketchbook on the table)
Mikey: (shuddering) I remember…
Gerard: So, you get money now… (grabbing Mikey’s hand and leading him into the kitchen)
Mikey: For what? (taking a Kleenex from Gerard and shoving it into the gap in his mouth)
Gerard: Well, you loose the tooth, put it under your pillow, and this dude they call ‘The Tooth Fairy’ comes and give you money, but takes the tooth. (taking the tooth and washing it off)
Mikey: (beaming) So all I do is put it under my pillow and I wait for the fairy to give me money?
Gerard: Almost…the fairy sometimes rapes the kids. (calmly placing the tooth back in Mikey’s hand)
Mikey: WHAT?! (falling off the counter)
Gerard: Yup. But that only happens SOMETIMES…I’m going to go staple gun your dog to the carpet so I can finish my sketch. (pats Mikey on the head, walking away) Oh Max…
Mikey: Oh….my….Danzig… (slumping against the cupboard)
<right before bedtime)
Donna: Mikey, don’t forget to leave you tooth under the pillow baby… (hugs him before he slowly heads up the stairs) Gerard, come here now.
Gerard: I PROMISE that I haven’t done anything wrong today… (looking confused as his mother hands him a five dollar bill)
Donna: Just slip it under his pillow once he’s asleep…please?
Gerard: I never got five bucks…what do I do with the tooth?
Donna: You’re a twisted-I mean smart kid…you’ll find an…erm….use for it. (Gerard shrugs)
Gerard: At least there’s no tutu involved in this…(cringes as his mom gives him a kiss on the cheek, heads up the stairs)
<A few minutes later>
(Gerard, thinking Mikey is asleep, creeps over to his side of the room, slipping his hand under Mikey’s pillow. Mikey’s eyes open wide, and he trembles)
Mikey: Gee…you…are…the…tooth fairy?! (very squeaky voice)
Gerard: Um. Yes. Now go back to sleep dork.
Mikey: Are you gonna rape me Gee? (pulling the covers up to his nose)
Gerard: No. Now go to sleep.
Mikey: But what if you rape me while I’m asleep?
Gerard: No…Mikey, I’m not going to rape-
Mikey: If you never told me you were the tooth fairy, who knows what else I don’t know about you…you could be a ….a ….person that rapes! (eyes widen) YOU WERE THE GRIM RAPER FOR HALLOWEEN LAST YEAR!
Gerard: That’s REAPER Mikey…now be QUIET!
Mikey: You are gonna rape me, aren’t you?
Gerard: NO! NOW FUCKING GO BACK TO FUCKING SLEEP!
Mikey: MOMMY!!!!! DADDY!!!!! GERARD’S GONNA RAPE ME!!!!!! (flinging off the covers and running towards the door. Gerard pounces on him)
Gerard: Shut up. They’re sleeping…
Mikey: AAH!!!! RAPE! RAPE! FRANKIE, POLICE, POPE! MOMMY!!!!! RAPE!!!!!
Gerard: You. Suck. (stands up and crawls into his bed. Mikey curls up in a ball on the floor.)
Mikey: (whispering, pulling his teddy close to his chest) I’ve been raped.
<*the end*>
(Gerard is laying on the floor, lazily sketching Mikey’s sleeping cocker spaniel puppy Max. Mikey is sitting cross-legged on the couch, his Easter Candy surrounding him)
Mikey: There is SO much to choose from! (smiles widely) Gee, what did YOU eat first?!
Gerard: (shading in the dog’s ear) I unno…I just…ate it.
Mikey: Oh. I think I’ll have…..this! (picks up a particularly hard piece of candy) It’s PRETTYFUL! Isn’t it Gerard!?
Gerard: Yeah, a real gem…(rolling his eyes)
Mikey: YUMMY YUMMY YUMMY I’ve got candy in my tummy!!!!(bounces on the couch, finally resting on the left cushion. He takes a bite of the chocolate) Aahh!!!!
Gerard: What the- (Max stretches and moves towards Mikey) No, Max! Gack…look what you did!
Mikey: (looking down at the palm of his hand ) Gerard…I’m bleeding…and you didn’t even do anything…
Gerard: We can change that…kidding Mikes! Blood, let me see… (grabs his brother’s hand, and smiles) Mikes, you just lost a tooth.
Mikey: I what?! (horrified)
Gerard: No, it’s normal. Remember when Ray was over, and he lost a tooth in Mom’s ravioli, but didn’t tell anyone…and it ended up on your plate?
Mikey: Was that the little white thing I swallowed?
Gerard: Yes. (nodding, setting his sketchbook on the table)
Mikey: (shuddering) I remember…
Gerard: So, you get money now… (grabbing Mikey’s hand and leading him into the kitchen)
Mikey: For what? (taking a Kleenex from Gerard and shoving it into the gap in his mouth)
Gerard: Well, you loose the tooth, put it under your pillow, and this dude they call ‘The Tooth Fairy’ comes and give you money, but takes the tooth. (taking the tooth and washing it off)
Mikey: (beaming) So all I do is put it under my pillow and I wait for the fairy to give me money?
Gerard: Almost…the fairy sometimes rapes the kids. (calmly placing the tooth back in Mikey’s hand)
Mikey: WHAT?! (falling off the counter)
Gerard: Yup. But that only happens SOMETIMES…I’m going to go staple gun your dog to the carpet so I can finish my sketch. (pats Mikey on the head, walking away) Oh Max…
Mikey: Oh….my….Danzig… (slumping against the cupboard)
<right before bedtime)
Donna: Mikey, don’t forget to leave you tooth under the pillow baby… (hugs him before he slowly heads up the stairs) Gerard, come here now.
Gerard: I PROMISE that I haven’t done anything wrong today… (looking confused as his mother hands him a five dollar bill)
Donna: Just slip it under his pillow once he’s asleep…please?
Gerard: I never got five bucks…what do I do with the tooth?
Donna: You’re a twisted-I mean smart kid…you’ll find an…erm….use for it. (Gerard shrugs)
Gerard: At least there’s no tutu involved in this…(cringes as his mom gives him a kiss on the cheek, heads up the stairs)
<A few minutes later>
(Gerard, thinking Mikey is asleep, creeps over to his side of the room, slipping his hand under Mikey’s pillow. Mikey’s eyes open wide, and he trembles)
Mikey: Gee…you…are…the…tooth fairy?! (very squeaky voice)
Gerard: Um. Yes. Now go back to sleep dork.
Mikey: Are you gonna rape me Gee? (pulling the covers up to his nose)
Gerard: No. Now go to sleep.
Mikey: But what if you rape me while I’m asleep?
Gerard: No…Mikey, I’m not going to rape-
Mikey: If you never told me you were the tooth fairy, who knows what else I don’t know about you…you could be a ….a ….person that rapes! (eyes widen) YOU WERE THE GRIM RAPER FOR HALLOWEEN LAST YEAR!
Gerard: That’s REAPER Mikey…now be QUIET!
Mikey: You are gonna rape me, aren’t you?
Gerard: NO! NOW FUCKING GO BACK TO FUCKING SLEEP!
Mikey: MOMMY!!!!! DADDY!!!!! GERARD’S GONNA RAPE ME!!!!!! (flinging off the covers and running towards the door. Gerard pounces on him)
Gerard: Shut up. They’re sleeping…
Mikey: AAH!!!! RAPE! RAPE! FRANKIE, POLICE, POPE! MOMMY!!!!! RAPE!!!!!
Gerard: You. Suck. (stands up and crawls into his bed. Mikey curls up in a ball on the floor.)
Mikey: (whispering, pulling his teddy close to his chest) I’ve been raped.
<*the end*>