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<Gerard (13) and his parents are sitting down for dinner, Gerard is telling then about his day.>

Gerard: The career aptitude test is to tell you what career would be good for you.

Donna: I took that test. (setting potatoes down beside Gerard)

Gerard: You did?

Donald: Sure, we both did. Your mom was supposed to be a rock and roll diva with a world-renounced shoe collection.

Gerard: You gave all that up for us, mom? Way to prioritize.

Donna: Yeah, don’t you forget it. <yells up the stairs> Mikey! I’m gonna compost your dinner in two seconds!

Donald: When I took that test, it showed I have untapped mechanical ability.

Donna: <placing salad on her plate> Yeah, so explain to me how come the new microwave cart isn’t assembled yet.

Donald: <looks over at pieces of wood in corner of the kitchen> Rome wasn’t built in a day…and I’m sure Rome came with all the pieces. <Mikey walks into the kitchen.>

Mikey: Okay, I have an announcement.

Donald: Alright, son. Go ahead. <hands Gerard the ham>

Mikey: I don’t want to be called Mikey anymore. <Donald and Donna exchange worried glances> From now on, I’m M-Dogg. <Gerard laughs>

Donna/Donald: Gerard! <Gerard purses his lips and pours a glass of milk>

Donald: Alright, why don’t we talk about this buddy. Why are you so down on Mikey?

Donna: Yeah, I love your name…

Gerard: ‘Cause you picked it!

Donna/Donald: Gerard! <Gerard hands Mikey the rolls>

Mikey: Well, Mikey’s alright. It’s just there’s four guys in my class named Mike, or Michael, or Mikey…and I just wanna stand out. M-Dogg just feels more…me.

Donald: I knew we should have named him Dylan.

Mikey: There are seven Dylans.

Donna: Mikey? Don’t you think that M-Dogg is a little too…

Gerard: Um, lame?

Donald: Uh, Gerard?

Donna: Gerard! I’m not going to tell you again!

Gerard: <under his breath> I guess three times is tonight’s quota…

Donna: Mikey, don’t you think that M-Dogg is a little too different?

Mikey: That’s what I’m going for. Something cool, something street, something different. <bites into his roll>

Gerard: What about an Indian name, like “Dances with Wolves”?

Mikey: <slightly interested> Like what?

Gerard: How about “Falls off his Razor” or “Still Wets the Bed”?

Mikey: <disgruntled> Mom! Dad!
Donna/Donald: Gerard!

*<Next day, Gerard is sitting eating cereal before school. Donna is packing lunches, and Mikey comes walking down the stairs>

Donna: Mikey. <no response> Mikey…<still no response>…MIKEY!

Gerard: M-Dogg? <Mikey pauses> Mom wants you, dweeb.

Mikey: Yo, Moms. Whatchup?!

Donna: You’re not going to school like that. <eyes Mikey’s new gangsta wardrobe> Go upstairs and change into something less Barnum and Bailey.

Mikey: <hits his chest with his fist and makes a peace sign> Word…can I at least wear my do rag? <holds up red head covering>

Gerard: Uh…I don’t think Snoop wears cranberry.

Donna: Just go upstairs and change before you’re late for school. <Mikey walks up the stairs>

Donald: Oh, Donna, sweetie? I was backing the car out, and I spotted our son’s bike. <holds up a tiny license plate with M-Dogg written on it.

Donna: We are SO in over our heads…<hands Gerard his lunch>

Donald: <pulling Donna into hallway> We are not allowed to be in over our heads, we’re the parents…

Donna: Well, I’m open to suggestions.

Gerard: You know, I think-

Donald/Donna: Not from you. <Gerard shrugs and heads out of the door>

<*Gerard is working on an art project, when his black marker runs out halfway through his depiction of a self-portrait of himself with blood splashed across his face…>

Gerard: Ugh! <rustles through some drawers> Hey Mikey! Do you have any black markers? <Mikey continues bobbing his head to the rap song on his iPod> Mikey!

Mikey: There’s no one here named Mikey…

Gerard: <angrily> Fine. Yo, M-Dogg, Hook me up with another marker.

Mikey: Nope. You called me you-know-what. You punked me. Now, you must pay.

Gerard: Mikey, I’m not joking. I have to finish my project!

Mikey: Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time…

Gerard: M-Dogg, if you don’t want your little homies to know that you sleep on geeky action hero sheets, hand over that marker, pronto. <Mikey turns around and throws the marker at his brother> Much love, bro. Peace!

Donna: <Calling from the living room> M-Dogg? We’re waiting for you to start the movie.

Donald: Yo, M-Dogg, there’s a place for you right here, buddy. <Mikey sits down next to his dad>

Mikey: Okay, what’s up? Why are you guys calling me M-Dogg?

Donna: We decided as a family to honour your decision.

Mikey: <surprised> Really?

Donald: Really. Except from now on, instead of Dad, you’ll refer to me as D-D.

Donna: And you’ll call me Mu-Mu.

Donald: At all, times, we’re D-D and Mu-Mu.

Donna: Just like when you were two and trying to say mommy and daddy. So cute…<Donald laughs>

Mikey: <horrified> All the time? Not just in the house, but in front of my friends and stuff? <Donna nods> Oh man…no fair. Why can’t I just call you Mom and Dad again?

Donald: We just made a choice, just like you. Oh, shh…the movie’s starting.

Mikey: But what if…

Donna: Shh! <Mikey folds his arms across his chest and pouts>

<*The next night at dinner>

Donna: M-Dogg, honey? Do you see your father wearing a baseball cap to the table? <Mikey shakes his head>

Donald: That’s right. So, at the table, your do rag, is a don’t rag. Please take it off until after dinner. Thank-you. <Mikey pulls it off>

Gerard: M-Dogg? Cheese me please. <Mikey passes Gerard the cheese, frowning>

Mikey: Hey dad, will you please pass the garlic bread? <no response> Oh ya…pass the bread please, D-D…

Donald: Oh, sure, M-Dogg…Yo, bread. Pass the sauce, Gerard…<Gerard hands his father the tomato sauce>

Mikey: Hey, guys? <everyone ignores him> Hey! Stop! Hey! If I take back my old name, can I call you Mom and Dad again?

Donna: Absolutely.

Donald: <smiling> Yes.

Mikey: Then I guess you can call me Mikey.

Gerard: Can I call you a geek?

Mikey: MOM!

<Donald and Donna look at each other exasperatedly>

<*the end*>