Silence You Lost Me

I began stretching, making sure my muscles were ready. A smirk lifted my features when I flashed back to the reason I feared the soreness; the time Matt and I had on the bus. I could still feel the way his skin hit mine. Closing my eyes, I took a chance to breathe deeply before listening to the second song the boys played: Unholy Confessions.

“Are you excited?” I asked Alexis.

She bit her lip, “sort of. I’m more nervous now than anything. I’ve never danced in front of a crowd before.” She seemed to be lightening up a bit.

Tiff scoffed, “Ugh, you’ve never even danced on the stage for longer than three minutes before.”

Alexis lowered her gaze, staring at the dark tiles of the floor. I touched her shoulder, “Well at least she’s gonna be out there.”

“Yeah, no thanks to you.” Tiff muttered.

“Um, excuse me?” I growled.

She sent me a fake smile then pretended to be listening to the band. My finger nails dug into the palms of my hand. I breathed again, telling myself it would be alright.

Unholy Confessions ended and Beast and the Harlot began. I helped the girls ready themselves. When I say ‘girls’ I mean everyone but Tiff. I don’t know what she is. Part female dog maybe, if you catch my drift…

I heard Chrissie giggled slightly after I’d helped with stretches, “Ahh, I can’t wait!” she whispered, completely happy.

I couldn’t help but giggle with her, watching Tiff stare at the stage out of the corner of my eye. That bitch wants my man. And if she thinks she’ll get him, she’s dead wrong…

The song came to a smashing close, cheers erupted and the lights dimmed. We could barely see where we were headed, but it was slightly lit up. Not to mention the fact that Johnny was right by the entrance, holding my hand and leading me onto the stage. I thanked him quietly, taking Nina by the hand now and darting off to the part of the stage behind Jimmy’s drum set. It was raised and where we were supposed to be.

“Alright,” Matt called on the mic through the dark, “We’d like to turn things around a bit for ya!” his voice sent shivers down my spine, reminding me how my name echoed off his lips, that sexy crackling voice…

With that, the lights hit on when Scream began…

I rocked my hips to the beat, swaying back and forth with each strum of the guitar and beat of the drum.

I dropped to the beat, watching everyone else do their thing. Nina was having fun as the vocals droned in. Chrissie moved to the beat like she’d danced to it many times. Alexis still seemed scared and she closed her eyes, swaying.

When I came back up, I raised my hands to trail down my body, knowing many men in the crowd were getting a kick out of this. Tiff…well, I’m not gonna lie. She was a good dancer. Nice person? You will never in my life hear me say that.

Dropping to the floor again, I crawled on my hands and knees toward Johnny who laughed, strumming the shit out of his bass. I flipped my hair several times, biting my lip and then kneeling and pushing myself in a spread-legged position. My back arched down until I shot back up, hitting the beat with more turns of my body.

Trailing my hands down myself some more, I watched Alexis, her eyes open now but she wouldn’t look into the crowed. I had done so multiple times and loved what I saw; a huge group of fans, starting and screaming.

Getting behind her, I grinded on her, placing my hands on her hips. She groaned, moving with me slightly. “Come on, it’s okay.” I whispered in her ear, nipping at it lightly and grinding my hips into hers more, getting her to move more with me. “See, you got it.” And she had a bit more confidence.

I watched Jimmy while my body humped the air. He worked wonderfully, in a way I couldn’t understand. He is so talented…

“Come on ladies!” Matt screamed into the mic just before Syn’s guitar solo kicked in. We’d talked about going up front and center, but I wasn’t so sure of it. Once I saw Tiff making her way towards the steps, I darted to the other ones, racing down them and over to Matt before she could get him.

Syn was center stage, doing what he did. Matt was bobbing to the music, watching my every step. I stepped to the beat, feeling the pumping of the bass in my chest. With that, I swayed to the music more, putting more effort in. Only two girls were allowed in front of the drums, so Matt told me. Only me and Tiff…of course…

Matt smirked at me once he saw my hands tracing down my body. My hips swayed evenly as out of the corner of my eye I watched Tiff strut to Brian. Bad idea. He’s in the midst of a solo, and doesn’t want to deal with her. I watched him discretely nudge her with his elbow, not roughly but hard enough for her to know to back off. I could practically hear her scoffing.

Matt came back in with the vocals, touching my face and trailing his hands down my curves. I made my way to Zacky, deciding that he needed some company. I couldn’t hang on Matt the whole time, now could I? Zacky winked at me, nodding as I rocked my hips to the beat. My body lowered softly, going down so my head was by Zacky’s crotch. Giggling at his expression, I blew him a kiss and strutted to Brian, trailing a finger down his back and moving to the beat again. To my left stood Johnny, fake pout on his lips. As I danced by Johnny, I noticed Tiff was by Matt…still. She hadn’t moved on. I bit my tongue, the song coming to a close shortly, and made my way to her.

If she wanted to be fake, two could play at that game…

I grinded on her, meeting my hips to her ass. Matt side-stepped, going to the center of the stage again, where he belonged.

She glared at me but I kept dancing, smirking evilly at her. She began walking to Matt again but I pulled her arm, pushing my hips to hers. She finally sighed, following my lead. I got a glint in my eyes when I had an idea.

The song came to a close and I pulled her by her hair, meeting her lips with mine. She fought but let in, realizing we were still in the public’s view.

“Whoa…” I heard Brian call into his mic. Matt turned to us, vocals finally done as the song was slowly coming to a close. This egged Tiff on and she began Frenching me, hands pressed into my hips. I smirked, tasting her.

“Shit dude, we got some uh…” Zacky paused, turning back to us as he strummed the notes of the second to last measure. “Just wow…” the crowd’s cheers were extremely loud and I loved that Matt was watching us.

The last measure… still kissing…

Last note, the lights stayed on, as Matt said they would so we could find our way off stage. Before I allowed her tongue to leave, I bit it roughly, anger pulsing through me from her actions before the show.

If only I’d realized I’d made things worse…

“Well,” I heard Jimmy call into his mic, “I missed you ladies.”

I laughed as Tiff tried covering up the fact she was in pain, her tongue probably bleeding.

That’s when she turned to Matt and planted a kiss on his lips. My heart pounded, my mouth dropped open, tears filled my eyes, and he didn’t end it…

I turned to Gates, trying not to start anything with Tiff onstage. Matt may get enough shit for having a dancer make out with him, but an all-out brawl between dancers? I don’t want to deal with it.

Brian smirked at me, nodding. “I think I found my favorite.” He pulled me close to him, “Am I right, fantastic dancer, yeah?” More cheers and I blushed, pretending to not care about Matt talking with Tiff after their make out. I held my breath. “Alright, I’ll take these ladies off the stage.” Brian spoke, walking us back as Jimmy got set up for the next one, and Zacky grabbed his acoustic.

He took my hand as Matt called, “That’s Zacky’s best friend right there with Gates. Trinity!” I didn’t look back. A tear slid down my cheek and I watched Brian and my hands. His thumb traced over my skin softly, comfortingly. “Trinity?” and I was behind the curtain. The girls were giggling off to the side and Tiff was following us.

“It’s alright.” Brian whispered.

“No. No, it isn’t.”

“Well, then…” he paused. “Look.” And he lifted my chin with his index finger and kissed me passionately. Tears slid down my cheek again as his tongue glided along mine, relaxing me for a moment’s time. His hand touched my cheek as he broke the kiss, “gotta go.” He pecked me again and bounded off. I couldn’t help the blush on my cheeks or the pain of my heart.

What I hadn’t seen was that Tiff was there the whole time…

“Amazing, guys! That was really fucking great!” Jimmy screamed after the show. They all piled in the huge dressing room where the dancers and I had been. Tiff was looking at me the whole rest of their set. Alexis was softly calming me down, but I had too much on my mind. Jimmy picked me up and squeezed me, “it’s alright. Shhh…it’s alright.” He whispered which caused more silent tears to fall. He put me down and before Matt could see my tears, Zacky hand me in a tight embrace. I buried my face in his chest, as I always did. His scent calmed me and I could keep back more tears. I wiped the tearstains from my cheeks and pulled back, thanking him.

Brian stood in the corner, taking me in, I could tell. His eyes lingered a bit too long and I sighed.

Tiff was back to talking with Matt again. The other girls were talking with Mila and Adalyn. Leana and Lacey were off by themselves.

“I swear…” I muttered, embracing Adalyn then Mila. “I’m going to kill her.”

They sent me sad looks and finally Mila spoke, “It’s fine.”

“Did you see her kiss him out there!?” I muttered.

Ad nodded, “Yeah, that was horrible.”

Jimmy bounded over to me, skipping and screaming, “It was a great show and your dancing was suburb ladies, from what I saw.”

“Which was just Tiff and Trinity here.” Nina giggled.

Chrissie smirked at Jimmy’s blushing expression, “it’s understandable that you like her better, she has class.” She winked at me. I smiled, feeling accepted.

“True that!” and Jimmy picked me up, holding me high then squeezing me tightly. “Now, we need to find some booze! I need booze!” and he ran to the other side of the room, me still in his arms. I closed my eyes, screaming.

“Put me down Jimmy! It’s scary!” I called.

“Oh.” He stopped, dropping me in Brian’s unready arms. His reflexes were thankfully good or I would have ended up on my ass. “Okay!” and Jimmy went running from corner to corner through the room, giggling and singing about masturbating.

I couldn’t help but laugh, even in the shitty mood I was in. Brian put me back on the ground, ensuring I was steady, and then leaned back against the wall. I continued to watch the drummer, giggling like a Twilight fangirl.

“What the fuck, man?” Johnny asked after Jimmy had run into him.

“Sorry bro!” he laughed.

“Ugh.” I heard another scoff from Tiff. My head snapped in her direction. She stood beside Matt, watching Jimmy run around. Everyone was laughing. Everyone but her.

“What is this, does she think she’s too good?” I mumbled, Brian hearing it and laughing harder.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Tiff called louder, turning away. Jimmy had stopped.

“What?” he caught his breath as we all awaited a reply.

“I sad, what the fuck is wrong with you? You’re insane. You run around, you laugh loudly, you swear all the time. You don’t seem to have a good head on your shoulders. I swear, you need medication. There is definitely something wrong with you.” Tiff breathed. Jimmy stood, ears turning slightly red and cheeks pink.

“W-what?”

No one’s ever called him out on his insanity. We all just laugh with him. He’s not insane, but he’s not normal. He’s out of his mind, but we love him for every second of it.

My ears must have been red because I felt Brian’s fingers on the pierced lobes.

“Cool it…” he muttered under his breath.

“How did you not hear me? Are you deaf too, you freak?” she snapped. Jimmy’s eyes lowered, staring at the floor in sorrow. I saw tears prickling. “Are you going to cry? Really? Wow. You’re a bitch too apparently.” Glancing around, I was thankful Leana was out of the room with Lacey, not even in ear-shot of this.

“Who do you think you are?” I raised my voice, stepping forward.

“What?”

“Oh, now you’re the deaf one? Answer me. I said, who the fuck do you think you are?”

She scoffed…AGAIN. “I think I have the right to speak my mind.”

“Oh, so you think now too? Wow, what an unforeseen turn of events.” I spoke sarcastically. Brian chortled as did Zacky. Johnny seemed a bit confused, Jimmy stood staring at me, and Matt seemed a bit angry.

“Don’t get bitchy with me just because I insulted this….this freak!”

Anger pulsed through my veins. “You want to tell me what you call Jimmy one more time?” I snapped.

“Yes, Jimmy – or whatever – is a freak. He’s weird, he sucks at the drums, and has problems.”

With that, I lunged at her, pushing her to the floor, straddling her, and pummeling her. “Don’t you EVER say that again!” I screamed. “Jimmy is one of the smartest guys I know! He has more personality than you ever will and more talent than you have in your entire body.”

“Fuck that!” she spat, glaring through bloodshot eyes.

My nails tore at her skin, anger pulsing through me. Arms lifted me off of her and held me back. Matt. Just who I wanted to see…not.

“Cool it, Trin.” Johnny cooed. Mila and Adalyn looked on nervously, as did the dancers.

“No, she can’t thinks she’s gonna come in her and disrespect a member of the band who hired her to dance. You were my last choice for a reason, you fucker!”

“And what’s that? Because you knew I was a better dancer than you?”

Jimmy, Brian, Zacky, and Johnny laughed, “Yeah. That’s it…” they spoke sarcastically with another laugh.

“Then…it’s because you knew that guy behind you would want to fuck me harder than you.”

“First of all, do you even know this ‘guy behind me’s name?” I pulled my arms, trying to get out of Matt’s grasp.

“Yes. Matthew.” She spoke, standing up. “And you didn’t deny it, huh? You’re just all upset because he didn’t fuck you.”

My eyes burned into hers and I pulled with all my strength, finally getting out of Matt’s grasp considering his hands were sweaty. I knocked her down again, “He didn't fuck you." I laughed, "And oh, sweetie, he’s fucked me more times than you’ll ever know. Actually, earlier today, right before we got your sorry ass.”

She gasped, “Oh, so you did do him before? And what about the guy I saw you kissing? That one?” she pointed to Brian who paled. He swallowed hard, fidgeting with his shirt’s hem. I turned back to see Matt. His eyes held anger, jaw clenched tightly, glaring at me then back to Brian. “Oh, did I let the cat out of the bag? Whoops. That’s okay. I’ll take Matthew off your hands anyway.” And I again punched her in that smart mouth. Blood trickled down her lip. I allowed my anger to flow out, taking every inch of it out on her. She yelped, crying out and I stood up, done with her. She shortly stood, glaring at me then pushed me to the wall and began pulling my hair and digging her nails into my skin. Brian went to pull her off me, did a double-take at Matt, and then stood back. I pushed her back, down to the ground.

“You’re not fucking worth it.” I spat, storming out of the room.

Holding my head, I let the tears fall as people rushed past me and out the exit. People I didn’t know. Faces blurred and I watched my tears hit the floor. I was still dressed like a whore, but that’s what I was after all.

My hands still shook and I wanted to feel her blood on my skin. I wanted to watch her screaming as I impaled her.

“Trin?” I gasped and jumped slightly at the sound of his voice. Jimmy. “Sorry. Um, it’s Brian’s. He doesn’t want you out here without a coat on.” He handed me Brian’s leather jacket.

“Thank you.” I managed to choke out.

He nodded, leaning against the wall with me, “I can’t believe what you did back there.” I looked at him, “no woman has ever stood up for me. Well, besides Lee.” I smiled sadly, “Thank you. It means a lot to know I mean something to someone.”

“Jimmy, you’ll always mean something to me.” I hugged him.

After a few minutes, he pulled back, “I need to get back in there. The dancers are cleaning The Bitch up. Matt’s silent in the corner and Brian was sneaky, wanting to get this to you before Matt found out.” I nodded.

“Matt’s mad at us, huh?”

He nodded, “Yeah.”

My head throbbed but I bit back the need to scream, “Okay. Thanks Jimmy.” And he left. Now I’ve never been one to smoke, but if I were, I’d light up right about now… When I felt someone beside me, I looked up and nearly jumped again. “Matt?”

He didn’t say anything for a while and I sort of got used to the silence. “What the fuck?” he snapped. I just looked away, not knowing what he was talking about or what to say. “Why did you do that?”

“Beat the shit out of the cunt? Oh, I don’t know, maybe because she was hanging all over you.” I blurted before I had the chance to think.

His eyes softened for a second, “Whatever! Fuck that. We were just getting along. Besides, when have you and Gates gotten so close? You two made out.”

“We’ve always been close! He helped me, remember? And that was after your little session with The Bitch.”

He bit his cheek, “you didn’t have to kiss him.”

“You didn’t have to kiss her or let her touch your ass.”

“I didn’t kiss her and h-how…how did you see that?” I stared at him.

“First of all, you didn’t have to let it go on that long. Secondly, don’t get me started, mister.”

“It wasn’t long.”

“Fifty-five seconds.”

“W-what?”

“Fifty-five seconds.” He stayed quiet, “I counted. You two made out for fifty-five seconds. Did you like the taste of blood?”

“That’s what that was?”

“Yeah, I bit her. She was trying to take you from me. But, oh, that’s right-” my voice broke.

“-We’re not together.” He finished my statement for me, staring at me. His eyes darkened as he paused, “We’re NOT together.” He stated again, “remember that.”

Tears filled my eyes and he stood there for a minute, waiting for me to say something. I just nodded. “Alright. I’ll keep that in mind.” My voice wavered slightly, but I turned my back on him and walked out the rear exit, into the cool night, not once looking back.

I never knew until that moment how bad it hurts to lose something you never really had…