Words, Words, Words

I sit in the passenger seat of Oliver’s car once again. With the seat belt holding my torso against the seat, I pull my knees up to my chest and look out the window as they key slides into the ignition and the small, black car rumbles to life. Oliver backs out of the driveway in silence.

A part of me wants him to stay like this; awkward, not meeting my gaze and not saying a word. But another part of me wants him to say something, anything to make up for his mistakes or maybe even just some soothing words to suppress my anxiety over whether or not he still thinks negatively about me.

We drive down the neighborhood, coming to a slow halt at the stop sign. This is when Oliver turns slightly towards me and asks softly, almost inaudibly, “Which way teh yeh house?”

Home; it’s exactly where I wanted to be just minutes before but now that I’m beside Oliver, feeling far, so far from my best, I’m feeling like home would just be a hassle. My mother would attack me with questions about where I had been even though she probably figured I was with Tom. She’d ask me about my puffy, red eyes and my bitter mood and I’d be provoked into snapping at her, telling her to get off my back and find a life of her own. Home wasn’t a good idea.

“If you don’t mind, I would like it if we avoided my house at all costs,” I say, pressing my head against the cold window. It helps my pounding head a bit, calming my insides down. I still feel tense and uncomfortable thinking about the episode I had just minutes before.

“Then where do yeh want teh go?” Oliver inquires, driving off his street at 5 miles per hour.

“I don’t know,” I sigh, lifting my head from the soothing glass and looking at the road ahead for a reasonable answer, “Take me somewhere small and empty.”Like to his heart.

Oliver doesn’t say anything. Instead, he lets his foot press down harder on the gas, picking up speed. I watch as we pass multiple familiar buildings and streets until finally Oliver turns into the parking lot of our high school.

"Stocksbridge?" I question as he parks his car in the visitor's lot. It's a Saturday evening so no one is around and it isn't a big high school; it was the ideal place that I was yearning to go to but it's unexpected.

"It's small and empty," He shrugs as he turns the car off and pulls his keys out of the ignition. Swiftly, he unbuckles his seat belt and exits the car before bounding over to the passenger door and opening it for me.

In all honestly, I'm taken back by his kind actions. Even though I had just spent quite the while spilling my guts out to him on his bathroom floor, I didn't think he'd really take it to heart. Slowly, I unbuckle my seat belt and get out of the car. As Oliver closes the door softly and locks his car, I look towards the red brick building.

It's exactly the way I remember it years ago when Oliver and I were walking the hallways, shooting glares at each other, snapping nasty comments in the cafeteria towards one another and completely ignoring each other in the classes we shared. I sigh as I remember the good and the bad times of secondary.

"Follow me," Oliver says over his shoulder as he begins walking towards the fields. I obey, looking around at the portables and buildings of classrooms and school property.

We pass the cafeteria, where Oliver tripped me once, letting my food fall all over the floor. I remember his sharp words as he and everyone else laughed at me, "Guess I did yeh righ', now yeh can' gain anymore weight."

I swallow the lump in my throat as I stare down the building until it passes behind me. We keep walking, the multipurpose room coming in sight. I don't notice, but a smile creeps on my face as I remember insulting Oliver in front of the whole grade in that room - it earned me a week's detention but it was worth it to see the angered expression on his face.

The smile fades from my face as Oliver and I walk off the blacktop and onto the dewy grass. I cringe as water seeps through a hole in my flats, mud and blades of grass entering it as well, mashing between my toes.

We pass the soccer field, the track field and the tennis courts before Oliver comes to a stop near an old, big tree. The bark is a deep, deep brown color and the leaves are a beautiful green. The roots stick out from the ground, thick and strong underneath my feet as I step over a few of them.

Oliver finally sits down against the tree, facing the sun that's setting behind the school. I can see every part of Stocksbridge from here, from the science rooms to the front office. With the pink sky and the breathtaking tree behind me, it all seems so peaceful, even with Oliver beside my feet.

"Are yeh goin' teh sit?" He asks, looking up at me. He squints one of his eyes as the glare of the sun hits his face, brightening his features; his brown hair, his hazel eyes, his pink lips. I bite my lip as I sit down beside him, careful not to get too close; I still don't know how to feel around him so I decide to keep my distance in the closest way possible.

"How did you find this place?" I ask, looking over the school with a sense of nostalgia. When Oliver doesn't reply, I look towards him to see him staring at me out of the corner of his eye. He sighs and shrugs a little, staring back at the sunset.

"Got mad at home one day, decided teh take a stroll around the school," He explains, bringing his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around his legs loosely, "Ended up findin' this place."

"It's beauitful, very serene," I say, looking back out towards the sky.

Oliver doesn't say anything for a while and the only thing I can hear other than our steady breathing is the birds chirping and the low music of the crickets. When the sun finally disappears behind the building and the stars shine in the night sky, I look at Oliver.

He has his head buried into his hands between his legs. I can't see his face behind his hair but I can tell he's not crying - his body isn't shaking at all, just his torso rising and falling as he inhales and exhales.

I gently put a hand to his back as I whisper, "Oliver, are you okay?"

He shakes his head for a moment before taking a very heavy deep breath. As he raises his head, his hands slide from his face and rub against each other, almost readying himself for something. I furrow my brow as he looks towards the moon.

"Amelia," He starts, leaning his head against the trunk of the tree. I stare at him curiously as he bites the inside of his cheek for a moment before going on, "I wanted teh say sorry for every rude comment I've ever said teh yeh. All of it was lies, hones' teh God. I jus' needed somethin' teh say every time yeh would catch me off guard with yeh witty remarks that I had nothin' teh say teh."

The cold air takes whisps of my hair and blows them into my face as I stare at Oliver, unsure of what to think. I've heard these words before from Tom and from Oliver himself but I didn't believe them then and I’m not sure to believe them now.

"I know I'm probably one of the biggest arses out there for lettin' yeh continue yeh problem and almost encouraging it," He goes on, "I jus' - I don' know. Jus' like yeh, I want teh know wha' yeh think of me, too. I can' stand knowing yeh hate me sometimes, it makes me insecure. I mean, I understand why yeh wouldn’ exactly like me, but sometimes I wish I was in Tom's place or at least one of my bandmates. They're so lucky tha' yeh don' hate them, yeh actually smile at them and can have real conversations with them without any insults or yellin'."

"Oliver," I say faintly, barely able to hear myself. My eyes start to fill with tears, this is what I've been waiting for.

"I want yeh to forgive me so I can feel like everyone else, Amelia. I want yeh to forgive me so I can see that pretty, little smile of yehs directed towards me for once. But mos’ of all, I want yeh to forgive me so I can have a fresh start with yeh. I want yeh to see me for who I really am, not the asshole I’ve been teh yeh for the pas’ seven years.”

The tears start streaming down my face when he finishes his awaited apology. I turn my head away from him, wiping the tears from my face. I take steady, deep breaths to calm myself down but nothing’s working.

I don’t know what it was, but for some reason I believe him. Every word that he said felt as if it came from his heart, not just his head. And I feel my heart mending itself, forgiving Oliver completely.

“Amelia, I didn’ mean teh make yeh cry,” He whispers, his hand rubbing my back soothingly. I lean into his touch, wanting to explain my sudden emotional tears but I can’t get myself to speak just yet. “I jus’ wanted to say what I’ve been feelin’ for so long.”

I shake my head, taking a huge breatth of air before turning to Oliver with tears still rolling down my pink cheeks. I smile, laughing nervously as I look into his worried eyes, and shakily say, “I forgive you.”

“Seriously?” He asks, his eyebrows raising and eyes widening. My smile widens as I nod. He stares at me for a moment before finally a smile appears on his own face. My arms out stretch themselves for a hug that Oliver accepts, leaning towards me, his thin, tattooed arms snaking their way around my waist.

Underneath it all, I can still feel that unwelcoming feeling of self consciousness. Does Oliver feel absolutely appalled with my not so slim stomach being held against his body? Is he going against his will to touch me?

The thoughts ruin the heart warming moment for me. Even after the desperate cry for help and the awaited sorry, I still don’t feel content. I’m not satisfied with everything that I had been waiting so impatiently for. I still feel the need to mold myself into something Oliver would really want.

I feel the tears in my eyes but I try to hold them back. As both Oliver and I pull away from the hug, a whimper escapes from the back of my throat and without warning, I’m sobbing again.

“Oh, Amelia,” I hear Oliver say almost to himself. I shake my head again as if to say I’m fine, but he still pulls me against his chest, letting me bury my head into his shoulder as he gently caresses my back, warming my skin through my thin shirt.

“I-I’m sorry,” I stutter softly, leaning my head back so I can see his face. He looks down at me and smiles a little. The hand caressing my back comes up to my face and tucks some of my hair behind my ear as the other hand grips my body tight.

“Don’ be,” Oliver instructs calmly, his fingers brushing through the strands of my hair before securing the protective grasp he has on me. I close my eyes instantly and smile at the relaxing mood that overpowers my every sense.

I lay my head back down against his shoulder as I think about how unconditionally at peace I feel alongside Oliver. His touch makes my worries go away, his voice melting my distress. Just hours before this, it was the exact opposite though; everything about him sent me into hysterics. I guess it’s funny how fate works.

“Amelia?” Oliver’s voice, sounding so innocent and worried comes. I lift my head up to look at him. In the moment that my eyes lock with his, I see his eyes shine with insecurity.

And before I can comprehend what’s going on, his lips graze against mine. It makes me feel like he’s asking to kiss me without ruining it with words. I don’t know what comes over me; maybe it’s the feel of how shockingly smooth his lips are or maybe it’s the jolts of excitement racing through my body, my adrenaline pumping as his cold lip ring sends chills down my spine, but I feel my lips press against his. Instantaneously, he kisses back.

For a long moment, I feel on top of the world. No worries of my appearance or my weight holding me back, nothing of that; I’m ahead of the game. I feel happy, warm and whole.

And then Oliver pulls away.