Words, Words, Words

As I walk into the diner, the small bell rings above me. A few people look towards me, but I brush off their lengthy stares as I walk to Tom and the guys. They’re sitting in the usual booth, closer to the counter and laughing. I plop down next to Matt N and give the guys a head nod of notice. They do the same in response and a moment of silence overcomes the table.

I know what they’re thinking.

‘He’s a mess.’ And I am. I haven’t been myself in weeks. I haven’t stepped foot in a party, haven’t taken one sip of an alcoholic beverage since Tom’s party. To say the least, I’ve been a little out of the loop. The guys who surround me are still keeping up with the gossip, the parties, the sketchy hook-ups while I’ve been keeping up with the soap operas my mother indulges in.

“How are yeh, Olleh?” Lee asks me from across the table, confirming my thoughts. I shrug and avoid eye contact. I don’t want to talk about it. Everyone’s been asking how I’m holding up, trying to pry my emotions out of me. But I can’t explain it. I don’t know how I feel. I’m not really mad or depressed. But I’m not anywhere near happy or even ‘fine.’

The guys look away, down at their cups of coffee or phones. But Tom stares me down. He sits on the other edge of the booth. And his fingers nervously play with a sugar packet. Out of my peripheral, I can see him biting the inside of his cheek. But the noise of the sugar packet is slowly starting to irritate me. I let my hand shoot out and slam Tom’s hands down. The sugar packet falls to the table as everyone looks up at me in surprise.

Tom and I stare at each other for a straight minute.

“Lia’s movin’ back to California,” He finally blurts out, pulling his hands back and resting them on his knees. His blue eyes dart from me back to the guys then back to me as he waits for a reaction.

Am I sad? No. Angry? Not in the slightest. Did I figure it was going to happen? Eventually. But not so quickly. I figured she’d leave after a couple of years, after the divorce between her parents was completely finalized and Lia was able to finish therapy. But not now.

When I don’t respond, Tom decides to explain, “Lia’s parents are havin’ a consensual divorce. Lia’s over 18 so there isn’t any child support to discuss or who gets custody. And she wants to move back to California so her mum is followin’ her there. They’re goin’ to live with Mrs. Mauri – erm, I mean, Miss Beldwin’s parents ‘til they can afford their own home.”

“When?” I ask, weakly. I don’t make eye contact with him, just stare at the white table as I lean into the red cushions of the booth.

“Excuse me?”

“When is she leavin’?” I ask stronger, clearer. This time, my eyes dart to Tom. The look on his face is pure sympathy; like he wants to help me shape up and be okay again, but he knows he can’t. And now I know how Amelia felt for so long.

“In a week,” Tom replies, sorrow dripping with every word he says. I feel low, but I don’t let it get to me too much, “I’m throwin’ her a goodbye party the night before she goes. Do yeh think yeh’ll come?”

The knot in my stomach that formed when I saw Amelia at her worst has been there since. And it tightens as I hear the word ‘goodbye.’ Will I be strong enough to say goodbye to Lia in six days? Will I get better at not showing my emotions on my face, better at hiding them behind a fake smile? I don’t know. But for now, I look at Tom and nod, “Yeah, I’ll come.”

He nods just as Curtis brings up a bird he met at a party the other day who out drank him and how he can’t stop thinking about her. But I tune him out and stare at the silverware on the table.

I’ve never been good with goodbye’s.

_______________________________________________

It’s not much of a ‘party.’

As a matter of fact, it isn’t a party. It’s a small get-together. Acquaintances from high school, the guys, Tom and Lydia, visiting from Italy, are here. My parents are here. Even Lia’s mother is already here. And we’re all making small talk around my house, sipping our drinks as we wait for Lia. Anticipation runs high – no one except Tom and her mother has seen her since she went into therapy. They claim, every time, with an obvious forced smile, “She’s gettin’ a lot better.”

And it’s true, up to a point. She’s been eating more and hasn’t done any damage to her body since I last saw her. But Tom and I both know that she’ll never mentally recover. She’ll always only see the worst in every apology, every smile and any act of affection. She can only see honest reality; there’s nothing innocent about Amelia anymore. She’s a different person. But the others don’t need to know that. And they don’t want to. All they want to hear is that she’s getting better. So that’s all Tom tells them.

“Lia was just running behind schedule. She was packing the last of her things when I left. You know that girl, she has no sense of time,” Lia’s mother explained when we asked where she was. But the identical fake smile that Amelia had been wearing for seven years was shining bright on her face as she said it.

That smile has taken a liking to Mrs. Maurice as well. Or I should say Miss Beldwin. She hasn’t been the same since the divorce. But I guess when you realize that the love you thought was real fizzled out long ago, you can’t just accept it and move on. You’re going to be heart-broken and it’s going to take a while before you can pick yourself back up. So everyone just accepted her excuse and went on with the get-together as we waited.

I’m standing next to Matt Kean when the door creaks open. And I stare from across the room as Amelia, dressed in a tight, long-sleeved, mid-thigh, red dress steps in. Her feet are cladded in red heels and her dark hair, that has grown longer than I remember it, has been curled at the ends. Everybody looks in her direction as she closes the door and gives her signature ‘smile.’

Tom and Lydia rush up to her immediately. Tom takes her coat from her hands as Lydia and Amelia exchange a heart-felt hug and hello’s. They talk for minute before Amelia begins greeting people around the room. I can feel myself staring at her and comparing her body to what it was before.

She’s gotten plumper in a good way. The rich olive color has returned to her skin, getting rid of the yellow tint. Her eyes look more alive and the bruises on her legs have cleared up completely. She looks more beautiful than before and the moment her hazel eyes meet mine, a small blush reaches my cheeks. She must have felt my eyes on her.

Her heels click against the wooden floors and Matt greets her, telling her how amazing she looks and hoping she has a great time in California. I run my tongue over my lip-ring as she thanks him with her smile. He returns it sincerely and walks towards the appetizers, leaving Amelia and I alone.

“Hello, Oliver,” She says sweetly, her voice just as entrancing as before, if not more. Her hands fidget in front of her as she looks straight at me. I glance down at my black vans before looking back at her with a smile.

“Hi, Lia,” I return with, “Yeh look great. How are yeh?”

“I’m good. I’d be better if people would stop asking me that,” She explains, rolling her eyes dramatically, “It’s like, I know what they’re thinking. And they’re only asking to hear one thing, that I’m fine, doing better, getting well quickly. So that’s what I tell them, just to put them at ease. Like they’re the ones with the problem, you know?”

I nod because I know exactly what she’s talking about. But I don’t say anything, instead fill the awkward pause for a response with a sip of my beer. A blush creeps to Amelia’s cheeks as the liquid runs down my throat.

“Sorry,” She apologizes, I give her a look before she goes on, “I don’t know why but since’s I’ve been in therapy, I feel like I have this right to dump all my personal shit on people. And I notice how uncomfortable it makes them feel but I keep doing it.”

“No, no,” I say, slightly taken back. If anything, I’d be happy if Amelia would unleash her worries on me, almost in a selfish way. I’d know how she’s progressing, what goes on her mind and I’d be able to somehow help, in some way. “Don’t worry about. I love the sound of yeh voice anyway.”

Amelia doesn’t say anything. Instead, a small smile creeps onto her face as she stares at me. And I can feel a small, contented smile form upon my lips as well. It’s like a sort of official peace has washed over us and we’re finally aware that those seven years have officially disappeared like we both wanted them to.

“Lia, come over here! I want to tell yeh ‘bout Italy!” Lydia says from the kitchen. She’s hold two glasses of wine and an inviting smile that pulls Amelia out of our comfortable silence. Lia laughs slightly to herself and nods, pointing up one finger to Lydia before turning back to me.

“Well, Oliver,” She pauses and looks up at me. And I almost feel like this is the moment. This is the goodbye. She’s forcing it at the beginning of the night because she wants it done with; to be rid of me before she even leaves England. But instead she says, “I’m sure I’ll talk to you later in the night.”

The rush of calmness takes me over and I lift my beer bottle courteously as she gives me another polite smile and moves away from me, towards Lydia and the wine.

The rest of the night drags on.

_______________________________________________

“Goodbye, Lia! Yeh better keep contact with us while yeh in the states, yeh understand?” My mother says, her eyes obviously watering under the lights as she gives Amelia a tight hug. Everyone else has had their sappy goodbye moment with the girl and then exited the house, successfully tipsy and tired as hell.

“I will! And I expect plenty of visits from all of you,” Amelia says softly as she pulls away from my mother and looks towards my father and then Tom and I. My mother runs her fingers under her eyes to hide fallen tears and smeared make up as my father nods and puts his arm over my mother’s shoulders.

Miss Beldwin begins talking to my parents just as Tom says, “So I’ll see yeh tomorrow mornin’ to take yeh and yeh mum to the airport?”

“Yes sir,” Amelia says with a smile.

Tom returns it with his own before a loud yawn escapes his lips and his eyes water. His hand reaches up to the back of his head and he messes with his head before saying, “Alrigh’ then, I’m goin’ to bed. I’m tired as fuck and yeh flight is in like, five hours. See yeh then.”

“Goodnight little Thomas,” Amelia teases as he wraps his arms around her and gives her a light squeeze. She giggles a little as she hugs back and gives him a small kiss on the cheek before he runs up the stairs to his bedroom.

I stand awkwardly in front of Amelia with my hands in my pockets as she looks at me. A fake smile has adorned my face and I say, “Guess we didn’t have much time time to talk as we thought.”

“What are you talking about, Oliver? The night’s still young. We can go for a walk,” Amelia says as she grabs her coat and her bag. I give her a look before staring at the clock. It reads clearly, ‘2:37 A.M.’

“Are yeh kiddin’ me? It’s past two thirty. Yeh flight’s early in the mornin’,” I say, my brow furrowed. But Amelia rolls her eyes and puts her coat on, walking towards the door. She opens it and excuses herself out, telling her mother she’ll be back home soon. I look towards our parents before following her out.

The air is crisp and cold. My skin instantly forms goosebumps as I put my hands in my pockets for warmth, cursing at myself for not bringing a coat along with the hoodie I’m wearing. But Amelia looks unbothered by the weather as she walks along the sidewalk. It’s unlike her not be bothered by the chilly air. But I guess it’s because she knows, soon, she’ll be reunited with the sun at last.

“So Oliver, it’s been a while,” Amelia says, as she puts her hands in her own pockets and glances at me. We pass under the occasional streetlight and her eyes light up and dazzle me every time. I smile and nod at her statement as the light casts down on her features before returning us to the darkness again.

“I agree, it has,” I return with dully. We walk off my street and descend towards the streets below. The neighborhoods are dark and ominous as we pass them, no garden lights on, not even a bedroom light shining through a closed window. It feels like we’re the only ones alive.

“I hope you’re not still mad at me,” Amelia surprises me after a small pause. I look up at her but we’re not in a streetlight yet, and she’s looking down at her heels, so I can’t make out her face. But I can feel my brows furrow.

“Why would I be mad at yeh, Lia?” I question. I'm not mad at her for anything and I don’t think I ever really was. Everything she did was just a chain reaction of what I set her up for – disappointment, rejection and mind-games.

“For that one morning after – well,” She sighs and as she exhales, we pass under another streetlight and I see the puff of breath warm the air for a moment before passing. I feel slightly crushed that she can’t say it, but I try to shrug it off, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” I hear myself whisper weakly.

“No, I should be. And I am. Oliver, that night meant a lot to me as well. But in a different way,” She says. I don’t know what to say so I just stay quiet. I can hear cars in the distance and the sounds of birds now and everything becomes slightly less dead – and Lia and I, less alive, “That night proved my feelings for you to me, Oliver. I understood that I wasn’t in love with you, that the attention I wanted from you wasn’t just a strong, disguised need for affection from you. It showed me that I liked you more than I didn’t and that if I let myself open up to you, you could potentially break down any walls that I had put up. And that scared me.”

I can’t explain how I feel. Sad would be an understatement but broken-hearted would be too melodramatic. I’m somewhere in between and I can’t seem to find words to respond with so I keep silent.

“But now I know that if things happen differently, if I stay in Sheffield and act as if the past isn’t there, I will fall in love with you. Now that I’m not scared anymore, now that those walls have been torn down, I will completely let you in, no boundaries,” She explains. Her footsteps stop as we meet a curve that would eventually bring us to a stoplight. The streetlight above flickers every five seconds, only a little, but it somehow bothers me more than it should.

“Please tell me that’s not one of the reason why yeh leavin’,” I mutter, my eyes staring her down. And I don’t realize she’s crying until a small sob escapes her lips and the tears start to fall.

“I’m sorry, but I just can’t let my feelings for you end up that way,” She cries. Her hands grab her upper arms, as if she's hugging herself for comfort and I want to hold her, but it would feel so wrong. “It would just cause me a lot of pain and I can’t take that, Oliver. I can’t put myself through that.”

“Amelia,” I say, my voice cracking. But I stop myself. I want to say that I would never hurt her. But I already have, over and over, even after I promised I wouldn’t. And I see now that my word means nothing to her. Nobody’s does.

“I would love you, Oliver. If only things had been different, I would give myself to you completely. I would tell you all my flaws and secrets and open myself up so far, you would know me better than anyone else. But I’m afraid of you and the way your mind works. I’m afraid of what you could do or say to me. So instead, I’ll flee to California and keep a special place in my heart for you. But only from a distance,” She mumbles through her tears. There’s nothing I can I say to change her mind. There’s nothing I can say to make her stay and love me. So I don’t.

I don’t say a thing because if I’ve learned one thing, it’s that if you don't mean what you say, then words are just words. They're worth absolute shit. So I say absolutely nothing. Instead, I wrap my arms around Amelia. Surprisingly, she doesn’t fight it. Her arms slide around my middle comfortably as words and whimpers escape her as well. She leans up, and on her tip toes with her heels, she gives me a small, soft peck on the lips before resting her head on my chest. And I know that this is the end. There's no future for Amelia and I, only past. But for now, I'll live in the present and be happy with her in my arms, just for tonight.