That Four Letter Word

I searched the profile of his house. Nothing changed. It was as if he had never left and returned, like the past never happened. The paint was new and bright, like a brand new exterior, but it always looked like that. The door was far enough away to fit six buses in between us. The driveway didn’t have a speckle of dirt or oil on it, not even a tire mark. The place was perfect, holding the neighborhood’s reputation nicely.
I couldn’t count how many times I’ve been here, standing outside the gate looking for him. Many of those times I had on the cutest outfit I could find and my hair was nicely brushed and my make-up was fresh. I’d be waiting, holding the metal poles of the gate in my nervous hands, and anxiously preparing for him to walk out of his front door and run to greet me. He’d kiss me on the lips between the fences, as if he were a prisoner, and then he would open the gate and wrap me in his arms while I tried not to let my cheeks fall off from smiling so hard.
Now, I stood outside in the cold wind waiting for nothing. He was in there, I was sure of it, but there would be no running, kissing, or smiling. I just held my arms tightly to my stomach and tried to ignore the pain inside. This feeling, I’m sure, would go away. Time heals everything, and I’ve heard death does the same.
I was about to walk away when I heard something ahead of me. The front door had opened when I turned my back and now someone was dangerously close. My heart sped up when I saw the face only a few yards away.
“Keira, what are you doing here?” Dillion’s voice was a mix of surprise and worry.
My mouth quivered with fear. He was on the other end of the fence now, a few feet from me, and I drew back. The memories were painfully coming back. “I’m sorry,” I muffled. My feet started walking.
He shouted something like “wait” but the humming flooded his voice. Suddenly, the gate opened and he appeared on my side now. “Why are you here?” now he was confused.
I shrugged. It was the only thing I could think to do.
He came closer and I backed away.

*Past*

I stumbled over a bush and the door slammed behind me. The wind slapped my face and I shook from the cold. He opened the door and slammed it shut behind him. I inched myself toward the gate, my eyes stinging from his glare, and he walked towards me more.
“Where are you going?” his body cornered me.
I mumbled something about home and tried to move my feet towards the gate, but he grabbed my wrist. With a tight grip he moved me closer to him and whispered something in my ear.
“Don’t tell anyone. Leave.” He threw my wrist from his grasp and returned to the door, closing it behind him.
I fell down from the weight of the night and held my knees to my chest. My mind told me to run but my heart wasn’t in it. It hurt. It hurt so bad that I was frozen on the sidewalk. I didn’t know what to do anymore. The smell of alcohol ran through the breeze and wrapped around me.

*Present*

Dillion repeated the question as if I didn’t hear it the first time. “What are doing here, Keira?”
My breathing sped up. All I could do was look at him. If I told him why I was here he would tell me to go home. I looked at the lawn in front of his house, at the spot where I was laying a year ago, when everything changed. I realized, now, that the past was gone. Things weren’t the same anymore. Time changed the situation, and now I was ready to move on.
“I miss you.”
His face looked a little staggered from my words. Somehow, he knew it meant something else, something greater than what I said, something I didn’t say but what I really meant. And I might have seen his lips turn at the corners, just a little. When he recovered he cleared his throat and played nervously with his shaggy hair, “I missed you too.”
My mouth itched to smile, but I controlled myself and swallowed the emotions running through me.
“Is that why you’re here, to tell me that?” he looked into my eyes with a hope that there was more.
“No. I came here to tell you…” my eyes trailed down as I tried to concentrate on forming the right words. “I don’t want you to leave me alone.”
This wasn’t what he expected to hear I think. His smile turned over and he let out a breath of air. “So, what do you want me to do then?”
I was about to say the cheesiest thing that came to my mind, but I didn’t care how it would sound. I was just going to say what I wanted him to hear, what he needed to hear. “I want you to want me.”
Nothing could come close to the feeling I felt right then when he smiled that smile that I’ve been waiting for all these months. Every moment in the past year has never come close to this feeling of happiness. He smiled at me like he’s been waiting all his life to hear that.
“I do want you, Keira. I’ve wanted you since the day I first saw you. I’ve wanted you more than any other guy has.”
This was the moment where I was supposed to have on the biggest smile and jump into his arms so we could live happily ever after. But he wasn’t smiling when he said that. It wasn’t the moment where the audience cooed and clapped for their favorite couple. Dillion looked back at me as if he were silently warning me to not move or smile or jump into his arms, because he wasn’t finished. And that tear was deathly close to escalading down my cheek, because I knew it. I knew happily ever after was just another lie.
“I wanted you so bad that I hurt you. I did something that I’m not proud of because I wanted you too much. Nothing can change what happened, and I realized time doesn’t make things go away.”
I was sobbing now, quietly, and trying to look away from him.
“I should be in jail, Keira.”
I opened my mouth but he cut me off.
“What I did was wrong and…there’s no excuse. Sure, I was drunk, but still…I’m done partying and drinking. Right now I’m just going to concentrate on school, no girls or alcohol. I’m sorry about what happened last year. But you have to realize why I’m staying away from you. It’s better for you to be around people who have been good to you, like-”
“Jordan? Well he’s dead,” I whispered through my tears. “Jasper and David are just friends. There’s no one, Dillion, no one that I have ever loved as much as you. You might think you’re doing this for my own good, but you don’t know how hard it is for me. All this is doing is making me worse. I hope you’re happy alone.”
He was speechless. This just made it clear that he hadn’t thought about what it would be like for me until now. I looked at him and wiped my eyes. Then I left the sidewalk by his house and started walking home.