That Four Letter Word

On my way home I watched the New York sunset fade into the distance. Maybe that weekend trip was a bad idea after all. I needed was to clear my head, but I didn't expect my troubles to follow me. Speaking of troubles, my phone started to buz on top of the car seat to my right. I looked at the screen, being careful to watch the freeway ahead of me, and saw Jordan's name. After three buz's I decided to answer it. Yes, I was suicidal.
"Hello," my voice didn't sound like the typical question, but more like someone who admited to drinking and driving.
"You still in New York?" his voice wasn't merry either.
I debated whether I should tell him I'm coming home or not, but figured he might find out anyways. "No. I'm driving home right now."
There was a pause and then a more eager voice, "what? Why? I mean, that's good, but why so soon?"
I shrugged, then realized I was on the phone and rolled my eyes. "Because...I want to."
"Did something happen?" his voice turned to concern.
"No! I slammed my fist on the steering wheel and noticed the face of the driver next to me. His eyes widened and I turned my pink cheeks away quickly.
"I'm sorry, I'm just suprised. You seemed like you were never coming back when you left."
"Well, I changed my mind," I mumbled.
"Okay. That's good. Maybe I'll come over tomorrow and we can do homework or something."
"Ya, ok, sure." I was getting off the freeway and turning on the street that led to my neighborhood.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," I said slowly. "I'm just stressed..."
"I know, but I'm here and Jasper's here and David's here. You're not alone, Keira."
I bit my lip to stop from freaking out and took a deep breath. I was almost home. I could see my house at a distance. Soon I would be behind those thick walls with Jenny and Derington, and my mom...I winced. Well, I guess I'll take her over others. She'd be wondering why I was coming back early though...
"You still there?" his voice was searching for mine.
"Ya. I'm almost home." I smiled.
"Good."
I turned the car and watched as the black steel gates opened for what seemed like the millionth time. "You should come over tonight, if you can."
"Ya, sure!" he was excited about this, I could tell. "Do you want the other guys to come-"
I gasped and held my breath when I started turning the car into the driveway. There was a person standing in the middle of the pavement, just standing there in the dusk.
"Keira?" Jordan's voice seemed so far away. I didn't answer. I saw the person move a few steps closer until I recognized the face.
"Keira, what happend?" Jordan sounded worried but I couldn't process anything to say back to him.
"Oh." It felt as if the air was kicked out of me and my heart was the size of a boulder. Something seemed to punch my chest, over and over and over again until it felt like it was bleeding. Our gate keeper, John, opened my door to let me out so he could park my car. I almost thought he'd have to drag me out but somehow I managed to stand on my own.
I heard him get in my car and drive to the garage, but it sounded like the garage was a mile away. All I could do was stare at the ground below the person in front of me.
"Keira," the voice said as if he were saying it to sound it out correctly.
I didn't say anything. I just stood there, trembling from the cold, not even realizing that my jacket was in the car. My small shoulders swayed a few times as I tried to keep my balence. My hair was blowing into my face, one strand sticking to my lips. I didn't dare move my hand to take it off. I didn't move at all. I couldn't. I coudn't even remember where I put my phone or if I even hung up.
He moved a couple steps forward, but he didn't dare come closer than five feet. "Keira?"
I gave him no sign that I was listening to him.
He sighed. "I'm sorry."
Suddenly everything in my body came alive. The blood rushed through my chest to the tips of my fingers and my breathing sped up quickly, I could barely get enough air to supply myself with. Every thought that I'd held in my head spun around my brain like a track race. This was the first time he'd ever apologized to me after the party. And I believed it.
"Dillion." My voice sounded strange, like it didn't belong to me.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry." To my shock, he started to cry and his words tumbled over each other. In front of me, he broke down and cried.
I stood there and watched. I felt like a blind person who couldn't see in front of her, so she just stared ahead. With blind eyes I stared at him. My heart felt sorry for him, but my body wouldn't move. Part of me wanted to comfort him, but part of me was still upset. And all of me was in love with him.
All at once I felt sorrow, hatred, betrayal, and love. But it wasn't the kind of love you read about in fairy tales where there is a happy ending, where the love is so sweet it gives you a tooth ache. My love for him hurt. It just hurt.