That Four Letter Word

My eyes glazed over as a rush of tears were near to escaping, but I didn't let them. Standing there took all my energy. Everything in my body ached for him.
It was my turn to speak, to comfort him somehow, but the only way I could do that was to forgive him. I couldn't. How could I forgive someone who made me feel this way?
Suddenly he got himself together and stood back up, looking at me with shiny eyes. I couldn't turn away from him, he looked so much in pain, like the insides of him were about to burst through his beautiful face.
"You must hate me." His voice came as a shock to me. I didn't expect it to be so strong, despite the tears still streaking his face.
Blinking, I finally looked him in the eyes. "Yes." But no. I loved you so much, Dillion.
He swallowed and took a deep breath, not letting it out until he looked away. "I made a mistake. I was stupid and drunk."
I didn't want to hear this. I replayed that night a million times in my dreams, and I didn't want to hear anymore. I knew exactly what happened that night. But still, it happened.
He inched forward, pleading with his eyes for me to forgive him. I took a step back. His eyes were cross when he realized I wouldn't.
"Please, Keira. It took me a year to forgive myself and come back here."
"That's why you came back?" my voice was confused and quiet.
He blinked, "Yes. I feel awful."
He feels awful. Well, he should have been me for the past year. He should have been me when I went to see the doctor. He should have been me when I took that test. He should have been me when I cut myself to stay awake because I was too afraid to dream that night. I looked up at him.
"I'll give you time, let you sleep. I'm...sorry, Keira, I really am." With that, he walked past me and through the gates. I watched him disapear through the dark before I walked inside.

The house seemed empty, at least on the first floor. I walked through some rooms on my way to the stairs. Things seemed eerie, and there was hardly any light to see the furniture clearly.
"Keira?"
I jumped. When I turned around I saw Derington facing me.
"Have you been crying?"
I quickly wiped me eyes and noticed a few tears had escaped earlier. "Um..." My mind drew a blank. I couldn't come up with an excuse this time, it was as if every brain cell in my head was on sleep mode.
"Your mom said you'd be in New York this weekend." He tried to change the subject.
I nodded, "I came back."
"Are you okay?"
Was I not acting okay? I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do or say to that. "Fine. I'm going to bed."
I walked away and heard him say something about the time. It was only nine thirty, but it seemed like I hadn't slept in months. A year.
My legs dragged my body to the giant bed in the middle of my room. It looked so appealing right now, I could hardly get myself to it in time for me to crash. I fell onto it and waited.

*I woke up instantly and felt a hammer in my head. The room was quiet and empty. Underneath me I felt something soft and light, and when I tried to get up I couldn't. Everything hurt, and moving took too much energy. I was on a bed. Someone else's bed. I saw my shirt on the other end of the mattress. Suddenly my body went numb as a million thoughts went through me*

I opened my eyes and felt relief when I saw the sun shine through my curtains. Another night of restless sleep. I was surpised I could still function properly on two hours a night. It was cold when I got out of bed.
The winter air kicked me in the face when I opened the windows to see our yard. My mother was in the garden pulling weeds, of course. Jenny was out there as well, playing by the pond in her pink coat. I was going to take a shower but my phone rang and I saw that it was Jordan. Oh my god, I forgot about hanging up on him after last night.
"Hello?"
"What he hell! Are you okay?" his voice was frantic and angry.
I wasn't sure what to say. "He came last night." When I remembered what happened I felt something in my throat. A lump that I couldn't swallow.
"Who? Dillion?"
"Hmm mmm." I bit my lip and sat down on the couch.
"What did you do? Call the police?"
"No." Jordan hated Dillion and almost hated me for not turning him into the police when I should have. But how could I do that to him?
"Why? You should have, Keira, you should have called the police."
"And then what? Tell them the whole story?"
"Yes!"
"No."
He sighed, realizing I wasn't going to change my mind. "Did he say anything?"
"He apologized."
"Ha! Ya, a little too late for that, buddy."
I didn't like how mean Jordan was being to Dillion. "It was...nice of him to do that."
There was a pause. "Did you forgive him?" his voice was sharp. It was more of a threat than a question.
"No."
"Good. God, I can't believe the nerve of that guy."
"I have to go..."
"Wait, can I come over?"
"I have to get ready for tonight, Jordan."
"I'll help you. I'll be over after lunch."
He hung up and I put my phone on the coffee table. Then I sat there and bent my head over, holding it with my hands.