That Four Letter Word

All these days leading up to now I've dreamed about this moment. The moment when I would finally speak to Dillion and hear his side of the story.
I watched as he turned around, my eyes shining as they met his. He stopped, seeming confused almost, and came forward then stopped again. "What?"
"Wait..." I mouthed.
"Why?" his eyes were searching mine.
"I forgive you." My voice sounded quiet but he heard me because suddenly his face warmed up. There was color behind his strong cheek bones, and an energy in his eyes.
He smiled, and I swear it was the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. I hadn't seen it in a while, so I almost forgot about the feeling it gave me. Happiness and protection, but now only memories.
"You don't have to, Keira."
"I know." I loved when he said my name, but his distance was fearfully close. It made my skin stand up and shiver.
He noticed that and took a step back. "Are you going to be okay?"
Something was wrong. His eyes weren't searching anymore and his voice was defeated. My heart sped up and I felt some sort of yearning for him, as if he were leaving again. "I'm fine, I really am."
His smile this time was forced. He stood up to where he was before and swallowed something. "I'll see you around school." He started to wave.
I got up too quickly to stop him and fell to my knees again. This time I probably cut them on the tile; the stinging was harsh.
He rushed down to get me but stopped with his arms out, shuffling them to his sides again. I got it; he didn't want to touch me. My cheeks burned a little from the realization and I picked myself up while he stood there awkwardly. "Was that it?" I asked.
He watched as I brushed my knees off, leaving streaks of blood on my hands. I was such a wreck. "What do you mean?" he sounded distracted.
"I thought you wanted to talk to me." I sounded like a child who didn't get what she wanted.
"Ya," his eyes drifted to the floor where I fell. "I decided I'm going to leave you alone. You don't deserve this, me coming back here and messing things up again. I'm sorry I came back, but I'll stay away, I promise."
My thoughts were circling my head. No. No. No. What the hell is this feeling in me that wants him to stay? After last year I should hate him, but I don't! I wish I did, I really wish I did. I don't want him to leave me. "You don't have to avoid me. It's your city too and I don't want you to feel like an outcast." Where were these words coming from? I looked at him and saw he was thinking the same thing.
"You may have forgiven me, Keira, but I can tell that nothing has changed."
"Yes, things have changed."
"You're petrified to be near me. You're not the same person you were; you look different."
"Different? I'm the same..." Why would he think I looked different?
"You're scrawnier than you used to be and your wrists are carved like a pumpkin on Halloween. I know you haven't been sleeping well because it shows in your eyes. They're blank. And when he walk, you stagger, like somethings pulling you to the ground. Sure, Keira, you might look perfect but you act like your life is upside down. And I know that's because of me, and I'm sorry, but I can't be in your life anymore, that's obvious. I ruined you."
I just stared at him like he had lost it. Ruined me? I'm ruined? The very thought made me shiver. Sure, he took something away from me, something I can't get back, but did it really ruin me?
"You don't even know yourself, otherwise you would argue with me right now."
Oh my God, it ruined me.
"I'm going to leave you alone. I'll give you more time." He took one more look at me and turned around to walk through the doors again, into the ballroom where everyone was having fun.