Marked with Silence

I abided by my mom’s condition for the first night. Sapphira and I had gotten home from IHOP, watched most of a movie, and then we got ready for bed.

I wasn’t sure what Sapphira had thought about the sleeping arrangements that night. I had asked her for a blanket and a pillow so that I could make my bed on the couch. She gave them to me without any qualms, and even helped me spread the blanket over the cushions. And then she reached up on tippy toes, wrapped her arms around my neck, and gave me a good night kiss before slinking off to her bedroom.

But tonight was different. It was late, close to midnight. We had been playing Connect Four in her bedroom and the next thing I knew we were making out. And soon after that I was carrying her, her legs wrapped around my waist and my hands on her thighs, and I was setting her down on her bed. It wasn’t that we hadn’t been in that position before, but it just seemed that our breaths were heavier and our bodies felt closer. Or maybe it was that her whole mouth tasted sweeter. And so did her neck. And so did the top of her chest.

But, I already knew that this wasn’t going to go anywhere. So I was more than surprised when I heard her say in a breathy voice, “Sleep with me.”

I removed my lips from her neck and looked in to her eyes, confusion all over my face. “What?”

Sapphira shook her head slightly. I thought that she might have been a little disoriented, and inwardly smiled at that.

“Sleep here,” she explained. “In this bed, with me tonight.”

What my mom didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. And even if it did, I still didn’t think that I would have passed up the opportunity.

I nodded, said “Of course,” and then pecked her collar bone before getting off of her and went to lay down by her side. “We haven’t really talked about it, you know.”

“About what?”

I took a moment to think of a different term. “Physical boundaries.” ‘Sex’ sounded so…blunt.

She looked away from me and fixed her eyes on the ceiling. “No sex until marriage.” Her voice was final and void of emotion.

“I think that may have been the quickest sex talk that I have ever had.”

“That’s all that I have to say about it. If you want to keep having the conversation, I’ll listen,” she finished in a nicer tone.

“Can I at least ask why?”

Sapphira licked her lips once before sinking her top teeth in her bottom lip. She let out a short sigh. “Because of my parents.”

I didn’t press her to continue her explanation. I knew that she would tell me when she was ready. So I used the silence to let my own mind think. If Sapphira didn’t want to have sex, then the discussion was final. I thought that I was truly okay with it too. Because I honestly believed that I would still make love to her one day. I would have been lying to say that I hadn’t pictured Sapphira and me standing at the altar in a few years. She was the only one I wanted to be with. I knew that.

“I broke a lot of their rules,” Sapphira said, like a child caught eating a cookie before dinner. “I never felt guilty when I did it then because I knew they were strict and unfair. But I would feel way to guilty if I broke that rule.”

I started stroking her hair in hopes of comforting her.

“I understand,” I told her.

As her eyes shut tight she pressed the back of her head to the pillow and bent her knees so that her legs were propped up. “There’s something that I should probably tell you.”

My eyes shut then too, Oh God, she’s going to tell me how far she went with Max. Do I really want to know?

“Max is the only other person that knows this.”

My mind almost completely rejected the thought that was previously in my head. Sapphira wouldn’t be so cruel about it and taunt me. But I still found myself cringe when she opened her mouth to speak again.

“I lied before. I wasn’t not in the car with my family because I had homework to do. I sneaked out to a party that I knew they wouldn’t let me go to. Breaking the rules is what saved my life.”

Her eyes remained on the ceiling. To my surprise, she wasn’t crying. But I think I had lost her in her thoughts.

Without out anything of value to say, I decided to change the subject. I moved so that my face was in her line of sight. “Let’s get ready for bed, hm?”

She nodded, but didn’t move off the bed as I did.

My hand reached the door knob.

“Hey,” I heard her call after me.

I turned back around to see her face in my direction.

“Are you a virgin?”

I shook my head, “No.”

I tried to read her face. The information wasn’t a surprise.

It was my turn to ask, “Are you?” I really did want to know.

Sapphira searched for the right word, “Technically.”

I nodded, and then left the room. In my mind I went over the conversation that just took place. It was so casual, asking each other how far the other had gone, even though it was something that was usually so important in a relationship.

As I changed into an old t-shirt and traded jeans for pajama pants, I thought about Sapphira’s answer. Technically. I guessed that meant that she had done everything besides actual intercourse. And I didn’t have to ask to know that she had done it all with Max.

I stopped by the bathroom and brushed my teeth before heading back to her room. I knocked on the door before coming in.

Sapphira was sitting on her bed, wearing a pair of sweat pants and a loose, long-sleeve shirt. I scrutinized the thick down comforter that she was sitting on.

“Is that really what you wear to bed?”

She shook her head. “You?”

I briefly looked down at what I was wearing, “No.”

We looked at each other for a while, before we simultaneously started to strip of our clothes. She stood from her bed and we watched each other the entire time. First were our shirts. I revealed a bare torso and she, a camisole that stopped right above her hips.

A small smile came to her lips, and I couldn’t help return it. We were being playful, not seductive.

I let the waist band of my pajama pants drop, and then I kicked them from my feet. The only thing I had left on was a pair of maroon and black plaid boxer shorts.

And when it was her turn, all she had on left was a thin pink camisole and boy-cut black panties with pink polka dots on them. She matched; which made me wonder if she planned on letting me see her so scantily dressed.

We climbed under the covers, she from the left and I, from the right. But we met in the middle, as we both turned on our sides and I snaked my arm around her waist, feeling bare skin since her shirt had ridden up.

“You’re really warm,” she commented a few minutes later, her voice drowsy.

I smiled. “We should do this every night. Agreed?”

She rolled herself so that she was laying on her other side, and kissed me low on my sternum before cuddling closer to me. “Definitely.”

I wasn’t quite as sleepy, so I was awake long after Sapphira’s breathing became even and steady. I couldn’t help but think about the secret that Sapphira had told me. Actually, it was more of the composure she had while she was telling it to me. I was sure that a month ago she wouldn’t have been able to speak without a multitude of tears streaming down her face. It would have been the hardest time to open up another part of herself to me. But she was so different now. Stronger, was the word I rested on.

Then Sapphira’s voice popped in to my head, saying what her uncle thought about me when she had asked if I could sleep over. And as I could feel her breathing on my chest, I couldn’t help but think that Mr. Chadney might have been right. Maybe I was making her more normal and happy.