The Boy Who Never Grew Up

Dear Pete,
When I heard you got married I wasn’t surprised.
I was stunned.
I remember when I first met you. God, you were nowhere close to getting married. You were that pessimistic 17 year old looking for a good time. I was the in- awe 16 year old who listened to everything you said. I looked up to you. I loved you, even. Crazy huh? I never even told you.
I wish I could have been there more recently. The real world called. I had to grow up. Go to college, get a job, buy a house, and even find a steady relationship. But I’ll never feel the way about him that I feel about you. He’s talking about getting married and having kids.
Can I tell you a secret? I’m scared. I don’t want to grow up. And getting married means you’re a grown up.
But I know you’re the exception. Yeah you may act all grown up with your wife and your friends and the media but I know you better than that. I’ve known you for too long to believe that you will ever grow up. You’re Peter Pan.
But I’m Wendy. I chose to go back home and grow up. But I’ll never forget you Peter Pan. I’ll never forget Neverland.
Did you see Peter Pan Two? I was quite upset when they made a second movie. Some things like classics are better left untouched. But it got me thinking… was Wendy ever really happy with the guy she met? Or did she love Peter her whole life? I like to think she always loved him. Because true love never dies, right?
I love you Pete. I think about you every day. I truly do. I wish that I would have had the guts to tell you back when things would have worked out, when we would have worked out. I used to picture us together all the time. It was nice.
But then Fall Out Boy became really popular. You finally were recognized the way you should have been your whole life. Your talent was just too good not be noticed by the world.
I have another secret for you. I’ve kept in touch with Patrick. I begged him not to tell you. Then I would have to face you and I couldn’t handle that. Patrick is the only person in this whole world besides me that knows about my love for you. We don’t talk about it often. It’s a painful subject for me. He sent me pictures of Bronx. He’s adorable, Pete. The most beautiful child I’ve ever seen in my life. Ashlee must be so thrilled. You two are great together. You picked an unusual name, by the way. But what should I have expected? You’re an unusual man.
I wish I had the strength to be with you through these crazy turns in your life. But I don’t regret it. I would have told you I love you sooner or later and who knows how things would have turned out? You may never have met Ashlee. Bronx would have never been born.
That’s why I left when I did. You had great things ahead of you. You needed me out of your life. I would have held you down.
You must be wondering why I’m writing this. It’s my goodbye. I didn’t say goodbye before and I feel like I should do it now.
I gave this letter to Patrick. I told him to give it to you at the right time. I don’t know when that will be.
I know you’ll be a wonderful father. Always follow your heart and I know you’ll do the best thing. Good luck with everything you do.
You’ve changed lives Pete. You’ve saved lives. Keep doing what you’re doing and never change. The world without you in it would be a dreadful place to be.
I love you,
September
P.S. I’ll always be your Wendy.

As they closed the coffin on her body I thought of that letter. After all those years being best friends I should have known. I should have looked into her eyes and saw that she loved me, really truly loved me. But I didn’t.

The funeral ended and we all got out of our seats to leave. Bronx was crying and Ashlee was bouncing him up and down and whispering soothing words in his ear. Usually I would help her but I was too numb to understand what was going on.

That wonderful girl loved me her whole life.

The truth was that I loved her back.

When we lost contact I gave up all hope of ever seeing her again. So I moved on. I found Ashlee and I fell in love again.

I remember the last time I saw her.

“I can’t believe you’re moving,” September sighed. She was sitting on my empty floor in my old room.

“I’ll come back.”

“That’s what every rock star tells their best friend when they leave.”

“Well I’m no ordinary rock star.”

She rolled her eyes and looked around at the dead room.

“This is so weird.”

I agreed with her then the room went silent.

“I should probably get moving,” I hesitantly said. She was already sad enough.

“Probably,” she whispered.

“You won’t even miss me.”

“That’s a lie.”

“I’ll be back.”

“I’ll be waiting.”

I kissed her forehead and walked out of my room, leaving her there with tears streaming down her cheeks.

It felt like that was a lifetime ago. It was wrong she had to die so early.

September didn’t deserve to die in a car crash.

That was just wrong.

She was going to buy her wedding dress for God’s sake. For the man she didn’t love.

I could have been that man, I thought to myself but instantly regretted it. I guiltily looked over at Ashlee as if she could read my mind. She smiled sympathetically. She didn’t know about the letter. She didn’t know anything about September actually. I couldn’t force myself to tell her anything. We didn’t talk much anymore. Our couple’s therapist told us that talking is needed in a relationship. The problem was that every time we talked a fight broke out.

“Are you ready to go?” Ashlee asked.

“Yeah,” I mumbled. We were staying in a hotel for the night and the next morning we were going home. I said a quick goodbye to the guys and left without talking to September’s family.

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That night I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned until three in the morning. Memories replayed in my mind like television shows. Her face haunted me. After another half an hour of no sleep I got out of bed and changed. I walked over to where Bronx was sleeping. I just watched him. He looked so peaceful. He had nothing to worry about. He was safe from all the evil in the world.

I knew what I had to do.

I searched my carryon for my notebook and a pen. When I found what I was looking for I sat down in an armchair and wrote.

Dear September,
When I got your letter it was too late to write back. You were already gone. It shocked me, though. I had no idea you were in love with me. The worst part about it is that I loved you too. I think I always have in a way, it just got lost with time. Since the moment I saw you I knew you were special. There was just something about the way you carried yourself and your beautiful smile that was usually stretched across your face that made everyone in the room want to meet you.
But that wasn’t the best part of you. Yes you were stunning. But your inside was even better. Your sense of adventure and your kind heart drowned me and I couldn’t hit surface. But then I left and when I came back you were gone. I thought you hated me. I never dreamed that I was lucky enough to have your heart.
And now you’re dead. When I found out I went into shock. I think I still am. Someone as remarkable as you doesn’t deserve to die so young. You were only 29 years old. You had your whole life ahead of you then it was taken away.
Sometimes I don’t want to be Peter Pan. I wish I was more like you. You would know what to do in this situation. I don’t. I’m so lost and confused and I wish you were here. I wish we could go out on my roof and talk all night like we used to. I wish we were kids again. But wishing won’t change the fact that that car hit you. It won’t change that Ashlee and I barely talk anymore.
I need you, September. I need to hear your voice. I want to smell your flowery perfume and touch your silky hair. I always loved your hair. Did I ever tell you that? Cutting your hair would have been a sin.
I did see Peter Pan Two. It was nothing like the original. But I have a feeling that Peter was the one that always loved Wendy, not the other way around. One day Wendy found a great guy and forgot all about Peter. I wanted that to be your fate. I wanted it so badly.
I’m glad you kept in touch with Patrick. He really liked you. He used to tell me to ask you out all the time but I never had the nerve. You were the girl of my dreams who happened to be my best friend. I couldn’t lose you. But I did. I lost you.
But you’re right, I can’t regret it. Bronx is my whole world. I’ve never loved anything like I love him. He’s the best baby son anyone could ever ask for and he’s mine.
The world is crazy, September. I’ve seen enough of it to know that. Maybe when you leave the world things get less crazy. Wherever you are I hope you’re happy. Anyone as amazing as you deserves happiness their whole life and after.
I’ll never forget you.
Love,
Pete

I put down my pen and put my head and my hands. Not until I felt the drops of tears on my hands did I realize I was crying.

I’m such a weak fucker. Why am I crying? Men don’t fucking cry. I should be stronger than this. I should have said something to September’s parents when I left. I should be able to talk to my wife. What the hell is wrong with me?

A lifetime of my mistakes went through my head. My suicide attempt, giving up on finding September, everything and everything I’ve ever done wrong was there, right in front of me. It was enough to drive anyone crazy. I looked at the letter I wrote in front of me and I wasn’t sure what to do with it.

I sat back in my chair and sighed. I sat there for a while, just thinking. I debated writing a new song but whenever a lyric popped into my head the ones that followed didn’t flow. They were all jumbled and misleading, just like all the thoughts I’ve been having tonight.

I looked over at the clock. The little red numbers told me I had been sitting there for an hour. The letter still stood in front of me, haunting me. But then as if someone whispered the answer in my ear, I knew what to do with it. I quickly folded the letter and shoved it in my pocket.

I grabbed my car keys, a hoodie, and the hotel card and walked swiftly out of the door and into the elevator. The hotel was completely silent as I walked through it. The sound of my footsteps echoed uncomfortably and made my stomach knot up.

I finally made my way to the rental car and got in. The car still had a new car smell and the seat squeaked when I got in. I put the keys in the ignition and turned them. The car came to life and I immediately put the car in reverse and backed out of my parking space. I didn’t want to have time to change my mind. I pulled out of the parking garage and refused to let myself think about anything but the road in front of me.

When I finally reached my destination I parked and got out of the car. I looked around the cemetery trying to remember where they buried her. The whole day seemed like a blur. Like a disgruntled nightmare. Only the scary thing was that it was reality and there was no waking up. An old depressed feeling was starting to sink in, but I ignored it and found September’s grave.

It read “September Anne Moore 1980- 2009” Under it written in small font was her favorite quote from Harper Lee’s “To Kill A Mockingbird” written in small font.

“Mockingbirds don't do one thing but make music for us to enjoy. They don't eat up people's gardens, don't nest in corncribs, they don't do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird.” (Chapter 10 Page 94)

I remember when she told me about that quote. She told me that one day she’d be reincarnated a mockingbird. I told her that she was crazy and that she was never going to die.

“We’re all going to die, Pete.”

“Not you though. I can’t imagine a world without you in it, as lame as that sounds,” I said, hoping that she’d take those words the right way. Hoping she would understand that I was telling her I loved her.

“You’re silly. I’m going to die just like everyone else. I’m just living my life to the fullest until I do.”

That was so true about her. If anything she did that every day. She had no regrets and as far as I knew that was true until the day she died.

“You were right,” I said to the gravestone as I sat down on my knees in front of it. “You did die just like everyone else.”

Saying that out loud didn’t make me feel better though. It pissed me off. Before I knew what I was doing I was screaming at the ground.

“You weren’t supposed to fucking die! You should be here! Right now! I told you I can’t imagine a world without you in it! And now I’m living in it and I hate it! I fucking hate it! Come back god damn it come back!”

I punched the ground and then realized how immature I was being. I tried to remember what stage of grief anger was but then I was distracted by the sound of wings.

There, flying too close than normal birds fly, was a mockingbird. It was flying around my head making its beautiful music for me.

“September?” I asked, but instantly felt stupid. The bird landed on the gravestone and if it was possible, it smiled. I knew it sounded crazy, a bird smiling. But somehow I knew it did. Then it spread its wings and flew off.

I took the letter out of my pocket and put it on her grave. I looked at it for a moment and let the memories of her wash over me. I closed my eyes for a minute, just remembering as the cool breeze made me shiver. I looked around and sighed then picked myself up.

“I’ll see you soon,” I murmured. And it was true. Life was short. You didn’t know what could happen at any moment.

I walked away from the gravestone and didn’t look back. In that walk to the car I think the bit of Peter Pan that was left in me died. I was just Pete now. I needed to truly grow up. For Bronx, for Ashlee, and even for September. I wanted to live life the way she did. I needed to.