Just Like That

I saw the journey back home. I saw the neon lights. I saw everything, from the bright lights in the city on my way back from the hospital, to the dimming, calming lights as we made our way into the country. I was home.

I felt empty. Was there a point of living when I knew I was going to die? No, there was not. I just wanted to die right now. I was not scared of death. I just did not even want to get close to the agony of waiting my death. It was coming to me. My beliefs, my hope, my faith was eclipsed. I could not see them anymore. It was a tiny speck now, compared to the hurricane that was coming down on me.

For the rest of the day I just stared at my ceiling after my parents tucked me off to bed. With a tall glass of water and some biscuits, they left me. Alone. At least it was comforting enough, in the midst of all this lunacy, to be staring at my ceiling. I sighed in relief. Then, my mother came in with a basket-- A basket full of prescribed medications. I just blankly gawked at my mother. Then I finally said, “I thought I have stopped responding to treatment. And what are those?” I jerked my thumb towards the basket, which now she had rest it on my bedside.

“Honey. It’s from the hospital. I don’t even know what it does. I’ll get your dad over.”

“Fine, okay. Whatever.”

“Delilah.”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry, honey.”

“Okay, mom. But it’s not your fault. Can you do me a favor though?” I flashed her a weak smile.

“Sure, honey. Anything. What is it?” she sat on my bed, next to me.

“Get me that phone. I need to call my friends. You know, tell them what’s going on. You know, that kind of stuff.”

“Okay. Here you go.” She handed me the phone, winked to my direction and went off screaming my dad’s name.

I dialed Amy’s phone number and unlikely, she answered before the first ring even ended. “Hello? Delilah? Is that you? You’re home now? What happened? Why’d you get sent to the hospital? Hello, you there?”

“Yes, I’m here. If you give me a chance to talk,” I whined.

“Uh, sorry, sorry. Now tell me.”

“Don’t freak, okay? But the doctor said I’m going to die. Very soon. I’ve got this tumor thing growing in my brain. It doesn’t hurt yet but it will soon.”

“You’re going to die?”

“In theory, yes," I answered hesitantly.

“Oh God. What are you going to do ‘till then?”

“Nothing, I guess. Just wait.”

“Really?”

“What do you supposed I do? Come on, I’m very interested to know. Come on. Give it to me. I’m open to any kinds of suggestion.”

“Um, I’m all out.” I could hear her sheepish giggles over the phone.

“Okay, okay. Hey how are you? I mean, what’s been happening with you, Amy?”

“Well, I don’t know how to tell you this; But I’ve been seeing someone.”

“Oh,” I said, amused.

“It’s Joe," she said, then giggled.

“Oh,” I said, devastated, hurt and broken. I knew these feelings but what was this? What was this thumping on my chest? It was like my heart was trying to burst out. It throbbed against my chest. I wanted to cry, but I did not even know why. “Oh, good for you, Amy,” I sniffled.

“Are you okay?”

“Never better. You see I have to go now. My mom’s bothering me. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Sure, sure. Can I come over tomorrow? I’ve missed you, silly. You and your pretty, pretty face.”

“Oh sure. Fine, tomorrow, lunchtime, yeah? I’ll see you then,” I said.

Then I hung up.

I held he phone to my chest. I held it close, as I breathed heavily. Just then I shut my eyes, closed my heart. Shut and closed myself from the real world, from all the feelings I have felt, from everything. I hated everything. I did not want to feel. I did not want to have feelings. As hard as I tried, there was one feeling I could not get rid of. Pain. I could not turn my back on pain for pain was all that had been accompanying me. My parents bailed. My friends bailed. Feelings bailed. Happiness bailed and sadistically enough, love bailed and evaporated into thin air. I could not feel anything. Well, at least I chose not to. Put them in a box and locked them forever.

I rested my tawny head on the well- fluffed pillow. I counted to ten in my head and fell asleep. I never want to do anything with the real world ever again. I put myself in a position where I would only believe in faeries, mermaids and aliens. Things that did not seemed to exist before this made more sense to me more the things believed in. Goodbye love. Whatever that is.

I heard footsteps approaching me in the middle of the day. I silenced myself and continued to sleep. “Amelia’s here for you.” It was Mother. I did not even turn to bid my mother good morning or anything like that.

“Send. Her. Up. If. You. Must.” I gritted through my teeth. I was cold. Numbness hugged my feet very tightly. I thought I was catching up the flu. “And aspirin please, mom.”

Footsteps came rushing to me. “Are you sick, dear?”

“Mom. I am sick, remember? Brain tumors.” I decided to remind her in case she had forgotten all about it.

She laughed a little bit. “Okay, honey. I’ll bring some aspirin.”

“Thanks, Mom,” I called, not moving a single muscle in my bed. I was weak.

Half a second later, Amelia came in. “How are you feeling, Delilah?” She voluntarily sat on the edges of my bed. She wanted to touch my hands but resisted. I was hurt.

“You can still touch me, Amy. The disease is not contagious. You won’t die because of touching my hands,” I said sourly. I had enough knowing my life was going to end, and now my friend, my best friend was scared of me. Just let me die tonight.

“No. Delilah. It’s not that. You’re so cold. I can feel it before I can touch your hands. It’s not that. I’m not scared of… whatever it is that you have. I’m going to die eventually.”

“But not like this,” I cut her. I hated it. Yes, I know eventually everyone was going to die, but how I wish I could have the power not to die like this. This was much more humiliating than flunking English. I would do the ultimate anything to change the position I was in right now. I closed my eyes. Tears ran down my cheeks.

“Aw, Delilah. Please don’t cry. I’m going to be right here every second of the step if that’s what you want. I’m here. I’m right here.” She took my hand and placed it in hers. This was not helping a single bit. I wanted to cry even more.

“Thanks, Amelia. For everything, I mean it. You made high school a little more fun for me. Thanks for all the good times we share, and well, the bad too. Thanks for everything,” I whispered into her ears. As I got closer to her, I could still smell the sweet cherry scent of her hair. I knew I was going to miss that, once I got seven feet under.

“No. No. No. Can we not say out goodbyes now? You’re going to live. You’re going to fight against this, and you’re going to win. We went through a hell of a lot together, right? And this is just like one of them. A little bump in the road is not going to affect us. Though you have to work a little harder. You can do this. This can be like your biggest ultimate battle. And you will win and you will live. I know it,” she sniffled.

“No. You got it all wrong. The battle is over. The cancer won. I lost. I’m going to die.”

“No. No,” she started.

“Please, Amelia. Please know that I am going to die, whether you like it or not.”

“How can you be so sure, Delilah?” Angry, now. Tears fogged her eyes. “Don’t you ‘please’ me. I know you can do this. Please fight. At least, for me. I know it’s tiring, and frustrating, but I know you better than anyone else. You can do this.”

“You have to understand this. I am dying, right at this very moment. How can I even fight when there is not even a battle going on? You tell me. The doctor said…”

“Delilah.”

“Amelia.”

After a brief moment of pure silence, her voice suddenly arose. “I have to go.”

“Don’t leave.”

“I have to.”

“But you said… you’re going to stay with me. I want you to be there when I blow my last breath… please.”

Her hands turned into fists. For one second, I was scared that she would hit me. I know for sure she was capable of doing that.

“Okay, go, if you must. But please. I need you.” I murmured. “And Amelia, do me one last favor, please don’t tell a soul about what I’m having. You and my parents are the only ones who know, and the hospital people, of course. Can you keep it as a secret? Please.”

She nodded and vanished through the door. That was the last time I ever saw her.

I reached my little phone and called Joe. Of course, he answered instantly. “Delilah?’

“Yes. How are you? I’m sorry I hung up on you the other day.”

“Oh it’s okay. No problem. How are you? What happened the other day?”

“Oh it’s nothing. Just a little headache. That’s all. No biggie. I’m fine, okay?”

“Thank goodness. I’ve been worried sick about you. Especially when I was on the other end of the phone.”

“It’s not your fault I fainted.”

“Yeah, I know. But the guilt just kept hanging on my shoulder. Amelia told me you were sent to the hospital?”

“Yeah.”

“How was that?”

“Very formal. I hate it.”

“Of course you do.” He chuckled. I would miss that chuckle more than anything in the world.

“I’ve missed you, Delilah. Let’s meet up soon.”

“I can’t go out. The doctor said I have to catch up with some rest. Looks like I’m going to be resting on my bed for the rest of the summer.” I giggled. Girlish, I hate it.

“Oh bummer. Maybe I could come over…?” He hesitantly asked, complemented with a huge frustrated sigh. I felt guilty.

“Come over where?”

“Your house, silly.”

“Oh.” No. He would know instantly. I looked horrible. No, he cannot come over. Never.

“So…? What do you think?”

I panicked. “Okay, come over. Tonight? Want to stay for dinner?” I offered. What did I just say? Oh well. He was going to find out sooner or later.

I would miss this. I would miss… life. I would most definitely miss living.

I was no Bella Swan, I thought as I caught a glimpse of Twilight, nestled majestically in my bookshelves in the far corner. It was not like I was morphing into a vampire. My life would end. But if morphing to a vampire were what it takes to have a longer life, I actually would want to become a vampire, alongside my perfect Edward Cullen. I sighed. Bella and her perfect life. I was actually envious of a fictional character. This was disturbing.

I was never capable of making up my mind. At times, I would want to die. Then there would be times where I would just do anything not to die.