Black Cloaks, Red Clouds, Purple Nail Polish

Tobi peeked around the corner then crawled into the kitchen. He was not only a good boy, but he was a sneaky boy. It was nearly two in the morning but he was hungry! When he made it safely into the kitchen, he stood quickly and pressed himself up against the wall, eye darting around quickly to see if he had been spotted. Sure everyone else was in bed and of course no one cared whether or not he ate at two in the morning...but he liked to pretended they weren't in bed and that they did care. In fact, Tobi's mind, Leader had sent him on a food retrieval mission. This was his chance to prove that he did belong in the Akatsuki!

He looked around the dark kitchen, searching for something worthy to sneak back up to his room with. It was just his luck that a bag of Lays' Sour Cream and Onion potato chips was conveniently sitting on the kitchen island. Oh boy!

Tobi picked up the bag and eyed it. It wasn't marked so no one could claim it. The bag crinkled loudly as he opened it. He pushed his mask up onto his head and popped a chip into his mouth. "Mmm!" Mission accomplished.

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Deidara chewed on his pillow as his stomach quietly growled with hunger. In his dream, the burger he was eating was tasteless. His bag of Sour Cream and Onion chips ran away from him every time he got close enough to grab it. Finally he sat up and stared at his bedroom door.

"Shit...I'm hungry...un." He mumbled and slipped out of bed slowly. He slipped his yellow duck slippers on his feet and slowly made his way to the kitchen.

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Tobi knew that he should have went straight back to his room instead of stopping but...the chips were so good! Even though it was a family sized bag, Tobi had already made it near the bottom of the bag. He was full now. All he needed was a drink and--

The light flicked on. "...Tobi?"

Tobi turned around to face Deidara. Even half asleep with hair saluting all directions, Deidara-chan was a pretty girl. "Hi sempai."

Deidara blinked several times to adjust to the brightness of the light and continued forward. Tobi tossed another handful of chips into his mouth as he watched Deidara wander around the kitchen. "Where are my chips...?"

Tobi shrugged. "I dunno. What did they look like Deidara-chan?"

Deidara closed his eyes and rubbed them. "Family sized Sour Cream and Onion. I had Kohana go to the store and pick them up for me, yeah. I didn't get the chance to mark them as mine since me and Itachi were arguing..."

Tobi, oblivious to what this ultimately meant, nodded then tilted the whole bag up to empty the contents into his mouth. "I hope you find them sempai."

Deidara continued to rummage through the pantry. Tobi got up and put the bag in the trash. Deidara heard the distinct crinkle and whirled around to see part of the blue and white bag peeking out of the trash can. He pounced on the trash can and yanked the lid up. Tobi saw the sleepy look on Deidara's face slowly disappear and be replaced with rage.

Deidara turned to him. "You ate my chips?"

Tobi shrugged. "They weren't your chips. Those weren't marked and Kohana said that anything not marked is free for anyone to take."

Deidara clenched his fists tightly at his sides and glared at the boy. "Did you not just hear me say that I didn't get the chance to put my fucking name on it yeah?!"

Tobi scratched his head and pulled his mask back down over his face. "You once said to me, 'you snooze, you lose.'...You lose!"

Deidara's face slowly turned apple red with fury. Tobi immediately sensed Deidara's rage, which Tobi found to be as equally as dangerous as Itachi's, and backed away. Deidara took a step forward.

"N-now Deidara. I can always go buy you a new bag of chips." Tobi offered. His back hit the wall and he all but panicked. "DON'T KILL MEEEE!!"

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The house shook so hard that Kohana, who had been sleeping on the edge of her bed, was thrown onto the hard floor. She had only been able to fall asleep hours earlier after having returned from the store with chips that Deidara had requested and then finishing their laundry. Her covers fell off of the bed and onto her. "Mmm." She smiled sleepily and wrapped the cover around her, slowly drifting off back to sleep.

BOOM!

The house shook again, this time knocking her kunai holster off of her nightstand and a kunai landed less than an inch from her head. Her eyebrows twitched as if an expression was going to form on her face. She sat up and looked around then stood.

"Who could possibly be up...?" She grumbled and muttered obscenities. She found Deidara strangling Tobi on the kitchen table as Tobi flailed uselessly.

"Kohana-sempai!!" Tobi choked out while trying to push Deidara off of him. As much as Tobi thought Deidara was attractive...he didn't like being so close to her when she was so pissy. Kohana rubbed her eyes and looked at Deidara.

"Deidara...please. Can't this wait until morning? My brain functions so much better then..." She muttered and leaned up against the doorframe, beginning to doze off again.

Deidara ignored her and continued to hurt the good boy. Tobi's flailing arms knocked over a glass cup and it shattered on the floor, waking Kohana up again.

She jumped and frowned angrily. "Okay. That's it you two. Bed." She narrowed her eyes menacingly. "Now."

Deidara looked at her for several minutes then reluctantly let go. She had a point. In the morning, when his mind was fully awake, he could then plot a successful way to kill Tobi. He mumbled under his breath and trotted back up the stairs to his room.

Kohana moved to find a dust pan and broom. "Tobi...get to bed."

Tobi waited until the room stopped spinning and slowly moved out of the kitchen as well. 'That blonde one sure has some anger issues...' Once Kohana was sure the mess was cleaned up, she clicked off the kitchen light and made her way back to her room.

"That was impressive."

Kohana stopped and looked around. Her eyes settled on two gleaming grey irises looking back at her. "Hm?"

"I've witnessed raging Deidara in the middle of the night and it usually results in someone needing medical attention. Somehow you managed to save Tobi's life with words. Very impressive."

Kohana, who still had no clue as to who was talking to her nor did she care, blinked several times before asking, "And why is he 'raging' at this time of night anyhow? He's usually more..." She searched for the word. "...placid."

The eyes blinked slowly. "Yes, Deidara is the easy-going one...during the day. At night, his mind doesn't function as normally as it does during the day. At night...the only emotion he knows is rage."

She nodded. "Right. Make sure you tell me that again when my brain is functioning normally." She waved her hand slightly and continued off to her room.

Leader watched her go, amusement in his normally impassive eyes. "...This one could be a keeper..."

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It was nearly nine in the morning when Kohana woke up to the sounds of Itachi ranting and raving about his hair.

"Right." She sighed. "I have to fix that today."

She slid out of her bed and yawned, stretching. Thankful that her room was one of the few with its own private bathroom, she quickly showered and dressed. When she figured she was "presentable", she set to fixing her room. Once her bed was made and her weapons were back on the nightstand, she opened her bedroom door to find a piece of paper taped to it.

Kohana,
Konan and I are going out for the day on a mission. I trust you to take care of the boys while we are gone. Here is a list of things that need to be done today. When she and I return, all of us will sit down and discuss your status. Remember, I will not tolerateany disorder.

Leader

Kohana sighed. She read the list out loud to herself. "'Clean the kitchen after every meal.' Okay. 'Fix Itachi's hair'....shit. Okay. 'Clean Tobi's room.' Why do I need to clean his room? 'Vacuum, take out trash, and clean all bathrooms.' Wow. 'Organize all books, magazines, movies, games, hair products, food products...' .....What the hell? 'Clean the pool.' I've never cleaned a pool before... 'Organizeall closets.' You're kidding me." She closed her eyes and folded up the note. "This is already hell in a hand basket."

She decided the best way to get everything done was to go straight down the list, doing one thing at a time to prevent herself from starting too many tasks and not finishing them all. Unfortunately, the only person awake at the moment was Tobi, whom was watching Hannah Montana.

"Good morning, Tobi." She spoke offhandedly, going into the kitchen to assess the possible damage. It was a pretty decent sized kitchen. She shrugged. Whatever Sasori and Hidan did, it couldn't possibly be too much to handle. Since there wasn't anything to clean up in the kitchen, she pulled out her list and looked at the next item. Itachi's hair. She went back to the kitchen to pick up her "kit". She grabbed pickle relish, vinegar, flour, vegetable oil, olive oil, and a cup of liquid fabric softener. She then went out to the tool shed out back and found plant fertilizer and motor oil; she grabbed two cups of each. Back in the kitchen, she took out a huge mixing bowl and dumped her ingredients in. She used her hands to mix it all together.

"What is that?" Itachi demanded, standing next to her. Had she not been used to his sudden appearances, she may have very well attached herself to the ceiling again like she did the first seven times.

"Your normal hair color." She answered, still mixing the...stuff.

Itachi eyed the mixture disdainfully. "I hope you do not plan to put that into my hair."

"Psht. Like it would make a difference whether it worked or not?" She eyed his snow white locks. If he hadn't been told specifically not to lay a hand on her for any reason (of course all the others were available for torture)...he may have very well had strangled her for mocking him.

"'Like it would make a difference'--Hell yeah it would make a difference!" He pointed to the bowl. "Do you see the color of that bowl of horse shit?" He touched his hair. "I'd rather have this than to have shitty looking hair."

She stopped mixing and glared at him. "Well then fine. Snow White." She picked up the bowl and turned to dump it into the trash.

"NO!" Itachi snatched the bowl from her. "Just know that if it doesn't work and you put this...stuff...into my hair...I will torture you for 72 hours non-stop."

She nodded vaguely. "Then go grab a towel and a shower cap. It's ready now."

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Itachi squirmed as the cool mixture touched his scalp. The feeling of the various ingredients grazing his scalp was driving him mad and he occasionally shared a few choice words with Kohana who was taking her time putting it in.

"Must you be so slow?" Itachi whined as she added another handful.

"Yes. I was told that it must be put in delicately or else it could damage the hair even more." She bit her bottom lip as she massaged his ends.

He froze. "This crap could make it worse?!"

"Yes, now be still. I don't want to get it on your skin." She lowered her voice. "I don't even want to think about what it could do."

Itachi closed his eyes and allowed her to finish. She put the plastic shower cap on his head and sat him up. "Am I done? Can we wash it out now?"

She shook her head. "No. Now you have to wait...about an hour."

"Fuck. No." He moved dangerously close to her. "Take it out. Now."

She shook her head and moved back, determined not to be overtaken by his attractiveness.

"Kohana, I will kill--"

A loud crash cut him off and Kohana darted off in the direction of the sound. Kohana left the Uchiha standing there and ran into the living room...only to find Deidara strangling Tobi. "Deidara!"

"You...ate...my...fucking...CHIPS YEAH!!" Deidara screamed shaking Tobi senseless.

"I'm...sorry!!" Tobi squeaked out, trying desperately to free himself.

Itachi ignored the good boy's pleas. "Deidara you tried that method of death already. It didn't work so why try that again?"

Deidara looked up at him but didn't loosen his vice-grip. "...Point taken."

A few seconds passed before Tobi was released. Kohana looked at Itachi with appreciation. "Thank y--"

Itachi held up his hand. "Don't thank me just yet. If this--" he pointed to his head "--doesn't work then I'll go suggest a few ways for Deidara to successfully kill Tobi. I am a former ANBU captain after all."

Kohana watched the eldest Uchiha turn and trot away triumphantly, leaving Kohana to stare at his back. She decided to just leave it be for the moment and go back to her list. For the next few hours she wasn't really interrupted, allowing her to get small things like organizing done. She understood why certain members' rooms were targeted on the list...Hell Tobi was a packrat!! He had things from several years before her birth!

All that was left Itachi's hair and the kitchen--

"WHERE IS VERONICA?!" Kisame roared.

"Oh no--" Kohana ran upstairs to the blue one's room.

"SHE WAS JUST IN HER BOWL!! WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?!"

Kohana blinked a few times. "Who is Veronica?"

Sasori passed by her. "His girlfriend. Despite the fact that he changes girlfriends every month...he always names them the same as the one before: Veronica."

For some reason...this didn't really surprise Kohana. In fact, nothing much surprised her when it came to these people. "Um...so...what do we do?"

Kisame lost it. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT DO WE DO?? WE FIND HER!!"

Blink. Blink. "Um...so what does she look like?"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"

It happened so fast that Kohana didn't even have time to think about some sort of defense. Water flooded the headquarters, washing all of the lighter contents right out through open windows...including various members.

"WHEEE!!" Tobi whooped as he literally surfed the waves of water on a kayak.

"GET OFF OF THAT!! IT'S AN ANTIQUE AND IS WORTH TONS OF MONEY!!" Kazuku yelled shaking his fist as he occasionally slipped underneath the water.

Kohana somehow ended up on a branch in a tree, looking down at the others. If she had to be soaked with water...it could have at least been warm water!

"Well...that's one way to clean things." A voice murmured. She looked up to see Leader standing on the same branch, observing things.

"Oh I can sooo explain this--"

"No need." He smirked. "You're accepted. The fact that you're alive says you might be able to last a while here."

She looked back at the boys. Itachi was dancing happily because his hair was black again. In the midst of the debris, Kisame had found Veronica and Deidara had found another bag of chips. Tobi was playing with some of Sasori's puppets and Sasori was trying to collect all of the clean puppets. Not to mention...the head quarters was clean.

All because of a damned jutsu.

Kohana fell from the tree and approached Kazuku. Despite how scary she saw him, this needed to be done. "Kazuku?"

He turned to her, strange pupils staring down at her.

"We need to buy a van for transportation."

Few things caught her off guard. A fainting S-Ranked ninja was suddenly one of them.

"Kazuku-san?"