Black Cloaks, Red Clouds, Purple Nail Polish

Me & My Senpai

The world had completely stopped spinning when Tobi found out that the High School Musical marathon had taken precedence over Hanna Montana. In fact, had he not just taken his meds and eaten a good lunch...someone could have died. But what was a good boy to do?

"Ko-chan...I'm bored and Hannah Montana doesn't come on today. What can I do?"

Kohana gave it thought while brushing Deidara's hair. With her there, he and Itachi no longer had to waste precious energy brushing their hair or brain cells trying to count out one thousand strokes. "Well, when I'm done we can play Monopoly."

Tobi's eyes lit up with child-like joy. "Really?"

"Yes. It's in my room on top of my dresser." She pointed with the blue brush she was using. Tobi saluted her like a soldier going off to war then took off.

However, when Tobi got to her room...

"Zetsu-senpai, what are you doing?" Tobi asked, his head tilted to the side out of curiosity.

Zetsu dropped the blue lace boy shorts, caught in the act. "Um...I-I wanted to see what size Kohana was...s-so I could buy her some pants!" He nodded, proud that he could think so quickly on his feet. Surely this was why he got recruited before anyone else.

Tobi frowned underneath the mask. "Then what is the camera for?" He pointed to the disposable Kodak camera the mutated plant held.

Zetsu fought not to sweat from the sheer nervousness he felt from the awkward pause that followed the question. "Um...I have a bad memory. Taking pictures will help me remember!"

Tobi blinked a few times. "Ohhhh. I see...well--" His eye landed on a pair of red lace boy shorts. He loved the color red...Zetsu used this opportunity to disappear. Tobi sorted through the drawer, awed by lingerie of every color--even rainbow colored--ranging from bras to corsets. Then an idea hit him.

"Dress up!!" He exclaimed putting on a purple Hello Kitty bra and those adorable red lace boy shorts over his head. He eyed himself in her vanity mirror (ignoring Monopoly sitting in plain sight). Hm. Kohana had such good hats and battle ready armor in her dresser.

"Tobi is a sexy good boy. Mmm-hmm."

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Deidara was screaming at Hidan about art again. Tobi sighed. Deidara couldn't notice Tobi's incredible fashion sense (which still consisted of Ko's underwear on his head) if she was too busy screaming, could she?

He would wait in Deidara's room to show her his "incredible-ness". He found mounds of "Play-Doh" all over the place. Interesting, it was rare that he got to play with the pretty blonde's things. He picked up a glob of clay and smelled it. "...Hey. This Play-Doh smells yucky!"

Another brilliant idea hit the good boy. Deidara-chan deserved better Play-Doh.

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Konan was such a pretty woman. Not prettier than Deidara-chan...but Tobi believed he had a better chance with her than Deidara since Konan was a bit quieter than the blonde...and not as violent. Thanks to Sasori for fully explaining the "birds and bees" to Tobi, Tobi fully understood how to invite a woman to "dance" with him in bed.

But he would need paint. Kisame had taken his last paint set after trying to send an invitation to Deidara who in turn blew the kitchen to pieces upon seeing the invitation etched onto his own bedroom wall.

What could he use?

Another idea hit him. "Tobi knows!" He patted his open hand with his fist. "I can use Itachi-san's paints!!"

In the Dark Prince's room, Tobi found all sorts of neat paints for him to use. Unfortunately, Itachi was "emo" therefore only possessing purples and blacks. Tobi shrugged. Surely Konan wouldn't mind which colors. He scratched his head through one of the leg holes of the boy shorts he wore then grabbed a handful black eyeliners and purple nail polishes.

It took Tobi nearly thirty minutes (every single bottle and tube of purple nail polish and eyeliner) to paint an elaborate mural of ponies galloping happily at night underneath a purple moon. Tobi wiped a tear away and admired his work. "Even Sasori-senpai would be proud of me!"

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Finding out that Konan was out with Leader for the day was a bit more than the "good" boy could take. Almost worse than finding out that Deidara had taken a solo mission of going to pick up Itachi and Tobi's medications...and that Sasori had went out for a walk. Kisame was spending time with Veronica. Kakuzu and Hidan had disappeared...

Tobi sighed. After Kohana cleaned the house, she declared that they should get rid of the excess items they didn't need by having a yard sale...

Tobi pulled out a small notepad and scribbled in it. "June 13: Tobi had a productive day. Ideas keep coming to him!" He put it away and struck a superhero pose. "And DeiDei-chan says I'm useless."

So Tobi assigned himself a new mission. He gathered things from everyone's rooms that were designated to be sold in a future yard sale and dumped them on the front lawn. After ordering in a "professional" way, he went and got his cute pink piggy bank and waited for customers.

He did well for a while, remembering to charge for items and giving reasonable prices for them...until he saw a familiar face. The lady down the street was out walking her Great Dane and Tobi loved Sanzo...although Sanzo wasn't too fond of him. "May I pet him?"

"Um...well I'm not sure if--" The woman tried to object but Tobi had already reached out and was rubbing the dog's head. Not to mention she was a bit distracted by the panties on the boy's head.

"Grrrr..." The dog snapped and nearly swallowed Tobi's arm hole. Luckily, Deidara had trained Tobi to have incredibly fast reflexes.

"Well it seems Mr. Snuggles is having a bad day!" Tobi pouted. "Poor Snuggles-san."

If dogs could sweat drop, please believe that Sanzo would have done so at that moment. Customers came and went, taking things and leaving how much they were willing to pay for in Tobi's little piggy bank...while Tobi continued talking to Sanzo and his owner. As long as Tobi saw them drop something in the bank he didn't bother to stop them.

Tobi was so smart!

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So far only two hours had passed. Tobi was beginning to think that a nap was something he really needed...but he was too energetic. He skipped happily to Sasori's room for one of his favorite pastimes of the day--playing dollies. All he had to do was find them...

THE CLOSET!!

Tobi snatched the door open and tons of puppets crashed down on him. "ARRGH!!" He poked his head up through the mountain of puppets, ignoring various pricks he felt all over his body. He looked around, deciding on a good dolly to play with...and what he saw shocked him.

"Deidara-chan?" Tobi stood and moved deeper into the closet and emerged with a blow up doll. She had blue eyes. 'Like Deidara-chan.' She had blonde hair. 'Like Deidara-chan.' Why was her mouth open like that? He stuck his finger in the opening. It fit but the hole was much wider than that. What could it possibly fit in her mouth like that? Why was it sticky and wet in there??

He turned the life-sized doll over and inspected her. Well she was certainly well used. Maybe Sasori played dollies with her often? Tobi's eye widened. Sasori-senpai was so cruel to keep such a pretty dolly all to himself. Tobi held the "doll" up at arm's length. She was a peculiar doll, very different from the rest. She wasn't made of wood or ply board like the others were...but, rather, of plastic. On top of that, she was filled with air, making her extremely lightweight.

...And she looked like Deidara!

"Ohh, I see...Sasori-senpai likes DeiDei-chan too!" Tobi narrowed his eye. Unfortunately, Deidara and Sasori were partners before his admittance into the Akatsuki. Surely they had a bond that even he, the good friendly boy, couldn't penetrate? Tobi pondered the possibilities...while unconsciously sticking his finger in and out of the doll's mouth.

"Why is the back of her mouth all wet and sticky?!"

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He named the doll Michiko and kept going. With Kohana's panties on his head and the well-used blow up doll tucked under his arm, he decided to go pay Kisame's girlfriend a visit.

"Hello there, Veronica!" Tobi was only inches from her face. "Do you like my new hat?" He pointed to the red lace boy shorts on his head. "Or what about my new friend, Michi-chan?" He held up Deidara's plastic inanimate twin.

The fish didn't move...unless the air bubble that escaped from her gills counted.

"I don't see how Kisame-senpai tolerates you. You're too anti-social."

...Pop! The bubble exploded upon reaching the surface.

Tobi sighed and looked at Michiko, who still looked shocked beyond all logical reasoning. "Let's play a game with Veronica." Tobi found a paper clip and a straw, tore a strand of string from the lining of his cloak and made a make-shift fishing pole. "Let's fish!"

Minutes later Tobi stared at the fish bowl. She really wasn't supposed to try to hook herself...

"Uh oh."

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"Tobi!" Zetsu yelled from his room. Maintaining such a popular website was a lot of work. Not to mention that, due to the addition of a new female member, he had to work overtime just to keep up with the demands of his fans. So stopping to get a drink when he needed to upload the pictures showing exactly what the new member wore underneath her uniform was out of the question. "Get your ass in here!"

Tobi appeared in the doorway, saluting with his right hand with the blow up doll tucked underneath his left arm. "Tobi and his ass is here, sir!" Coupled with those now infamous pair of panties on his head (black hair sticking through the leg holes), Zetsu was convinced that the boy was insane.

"Can you get me a drink? Kohana should have some pre-made fertilizer drinks in the fridge for me."

"Aye, aye!" Tobi ran downstairs and peered into the kitchen. Hm...Of course the drinks were right there, just as Zetsu said they would be...but why not do a little extra? He could make Zetsu so proud of him by making the bland green-ish drink extra special! The chibi thought bubble burst when the plastic doll made a noise when he moved.

"What was that, Michiko?...Ah, yes! We could add extra plant stuff to it!" He looked around. "But what exactly?"

In the cabinets, the only thing he found that resembled plant food was parsley flakes. He poured the fertilizer mixture into a champagne glass and sprinkled parsley flakes on top. Something was still missing...He went out to the shed. Maybe there was something out there besides the fertilizer...His eye landed on a bottle.

"Miracle-Gro?" Tobi thought about it. "Oh! It will make him Super Plant Man!" He ran back into the house and poured the liquid into the glass. Now what else...Sasori usually decorated his drinks that he served at their parties with colorful umbrellas. He found some in a drawer by the pantry and decided to use a yellow one. Aw, so pretty!

"Here, Zetsu-san!" He held up the drink.

Zetsu was thrilled to already have nearly one hundred hits on the new photos and requests for pictures of her wearing the items. "Thank you..." He took the glass and looked at it. "Ah! Good job Tobi!"

Music to the good boy's ears. He bear hugged Michiko and watched Zetsu chug the drink...

...and abruptly stop. His yellow eyes dilated and he began choking.

"Zetsu-san?"

The huge...creature... toppled over backwards in his chair, motionless staring at the ceiling.

"Zetsu-san?" Tobi poked him. "Oh dear...I think I may have killed him..."

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How was he to know that they actually used weed killer? Who in the world labeled such a dangerous thing as "Miracle-Gro"? And why was he being screamed at?

Tobi had called for help and Kohana and Deidara came running in. (He thought they'd left...) Deidara nearly had a stroke upon seeing the blow up doll version of himself. Kohana royally spazzed upon seeing her favorite pair of panties being advertised on both Tobi's head and Zetsu's hentai/porn site. Tobi then continued to scream and point to the mutated aloe vera plant lying unconscious on the floor.

Upon realizing that killing other members would break rule number one, Deidara and Kohana began to help. Deidara totally forgot the doll and went to call the poison control center. Kohana snatched the boy shorts off Tobi's head and tried to get Zetsu to regain consciousness.

"Tobi, go find Hidan and keep him company." Kohana spoke comfortingly and Tobi nodded, setting off to do what he'd been told.

He found the ancient one in his "sleeping quarters" (for some reason Hidan was convinced that the word "bedroom" alluded to sexual intercourse), lying on the floor next to the body of a dead rabbit, in a pentagram made with his own blood. Hidan freaked Tobi out on occasion but since Kohana sent him on a mission...he had no choice.

"Hello, Hidan-senpai."

"Fuck off. I'm busy." The platinum blonde muttered back then continued humming in one flat, boring tone.

'There's that word again. Why won't anyone explain to me what it means?' Tobi sighed. He went to the kitchen and came back with a bottle of ketchup, using it to create his own pentagram...then laid down beside it. "Hidan, may I join you?"

Had Tobi not been looking at the "albino" man, he would have sworn a dog was growling at him...but Sanzo had gone to the "v-e-t". Hm...something else to figure out: what was the "v-e-t"?

Hidan looked at the swirly Halloween mask. "I usually don't ask this but...why?"

"Ko-chan sent me to keep you company." Tobi stared up at the ceiling. Wow. Kisame's jutsu actually washed the blood off the ceiling too?

"What the fuck?! I don't need a fucking babysitter. Much less one with and IQ equivalent to my fucking pinky toe."

Tobi hugged Michiko tighter. "Hidan...what is fuck?"

Is it possible for Hidan to get paler than he already is?

"Pardon?"

"What is fuck?" Tobi turned his head and looked at the elder.

Hidan looked at Tobi. "Why do you want to know?"

"Sasori said that people 'dance' in bed. But...I heard Itachi tell Deidara-chan to go fuck herself. If he meant dance he would have said that...right?"

Hidan wondered if Jashin-sama was punishing him for not sacrificing a human instead of some random animal...

"It's the same thing. It's just that fuck is a meaner way of saying it." There. That should be enough.

Silence.

"So then why do you say you don't need a fucking babysitter? Are we supposed to fuck? And why say fuck off? Or your fucking pinky toe?"

'Okay. Okay. Stop using bad words around Tobi. Okay. Okay, Kohana I get it.' Hidan mentally kicked himself.

"And what is a bitch?"

That's easy. "A female dog."

"...So Itachi-san is a female dog?"

"A hairy wet one." Hidan nodded. As soon as he remembered what he was supposed to be doing, he planned to send the good ass idiot on his merry fucking way.

"....Hidan how do you fuck?"

'Holy hell.' "Ask Zetsu. I'm sure he can show you."

"He drank weed killer."

'Just couldn't wait to get out of here, huh?' "Well, I see another member has crossed the train tracks to Wacky Land...like Orochimaru."

"Itachi calls him Oreochimaru."

This earned a hearty laugh from the ancient one. "That's a riot."

"Have you ever fucked, Hidan-senpai?"

'Oh holy helllllllll...'

"I'm busy; go away."

"I've never fucked." Tobi said sadly.

Unfortunately, suicide was something Jashin-sama was firmly against. How in the hell would you be able to serve him dead?? "Keep it that way."

Tobi hugged Michiko. "Maybe we can fuck."

Of course, Hidan thought this was directed to him. "OO" 'Jashin-sama sure has a sick sense of humor.'

"It would be so much fun! Us 'dancing' in bed." Tobi giggled. "Let's dance now!"

A sudden gust of air followed a loud terrified scream. Tobi sat up and looked around to find himself in an empty room. "...Well Michiko, I guess he wants us to use his room!"

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Needless to say, all hell broke loose when everyone came home. Hidan refused to even go into his room after seeing Tobi clutching the blow doll in a very satisfied way and his bed sheets tousled all over the bed. He ignored Tobi's explanation that he and Michiko only 'danced' (meaning they jumped up and down on the bed as any child would) and demanded that Kohana prepare him a new room or thoroughly clean his...maybe even call in HVAC...surely there were now unknown viruses in there...

Itachi went nuts upon finding al of his cosmetics gone...and passed out when he saw all of it used as a mural on Konan's wall inviting her to dance with Tobi in bed. Sasori made all sorts of jokes about this until Konan pointed out that she wouldn't touch Tobi because he was a cheater...and pointed at the blow up doll.

No words could describe the expression on Sasori's face.

Deidara popped up next to the red head with an impish grin on his face. "So...you actually want to fuck me yeah?" Deidara batted his blue eyes at Sasori.

"OMFG WHO SOLD MY KAYAK?!" Kakuzu screamed. "FOR TWO PAPERCLIPS!!"

Everyone looked at Tobi.

"Um...I'm sorry?" Tobi shrugged clutching Michiko. The group began to close in on him, preparing to mutilate the good boy before--

"OMFG WHO KILLED VERONICA?!"came Kisame's blood-curdling scream.

Once again the house was filled with a powerful water current and washed them outside. Deidara threw a queen bitch fit upon realizing that the only reason he couldn't have escaped was because his clay...was blue Play-Doh. It fell to the ground with a quiet thump and he stared down at it...then at Tobi.

Tobi hung from a tree still holding onto Deidara's plastic twin. Kohana ended up on top of Itachi, who narrowed his red eyes with an implied threat.

"As soon as I think of a lie that you'll fall for..." Sasori stood next to Deidara and pointed at the doll. "...I'll explain that to you."

This saved Tobi from another brush with death. Deidara folded his arms. "Well, I'm waiting."

Kakuzu saw the leftovers from the garage "sale" and promptly burst into tears. This shocked Kohana so badly she didn't get off Itachi.

"Hello!"

They turned...and screamed.

"Tobi invited Kabuto and me over for a slumber party!! Yay!!" Orochimaru danced in circles around Kabuto wearing purple silk pajamas that had white and black "zebra" fur as trim. This shocked Itachi so badly he held onto Kohana fearing that such bad fashion sense could possibly be contagious. Maybe Hidan had a point and they should have contacted HVAC. "Sorry but Sasuke-kun refused to come."

Kabuto only stared at them, apparently furious he had to share his master's attention.

"We can play spin the bottle. Whee!!" Orochimaru continued to dance.

Everyone looked up at Tobi disdainfully.

"TOBI!!"