Black Cloaks, Red Clouds, Purple Nail Polish

Itachi the Superstar

Kohana looked through the cabinets for the ingredients she would need for homemade pizza since Deidara had personally asked that Friday's be pizza day. She sighed, frustrated that they didn't have a properly stocked pantry. She walked into the living room to find her new assistant, Tenshi, sitting on the couch next to Tobi with a peeved look on her face.

"Tenshi-sempai, why are your eyes so red?" Tobi asked leaning closer than advisable.

"Tobi," She sighed and leaned away. "Go away."

Tobi ignored her request and reached up to touch her hair. "Your hair is so white, Tenshi-sempai, like snow...May I eat it?"

Before Tenshi could possibly teach Tobi a few new words, Kohana intervened. "Tenshi, I need to go to the store. We need some groceries. Do you wa--"

"Yes!" Tenshi jumped up and ran to the door. She had only been there twenty seven hours before someone had officially drove her crazy. She needed the fresh air.

"O-okay then." Kohana grabbed the keys to the Akatsuki van. "Hey you guys, Tenshi and I are going to the store. We should be back shortly so please try not to destroy the headquarters before we come back."

"Okay Kohana-sempai!!" Tobi stood and saluted her. Kisame merely nodded his head and continued to read his National Geographic edition of marine life. The other members were in their rooms so Kohana believed they would be fine...as long as they didn't know that Leader wasn't there. They only acted like themselves when they knew he wasn't there to punish them for acting unprofessional.

"Okay, let's go." Tenshi grabbed Kohana's wrist and yanked her out the door, slamming it behind them.

Itachi sat up and looked around. "Did someone just leave?" He ran out of his room, down the stairs, and stood in the living room. When he saw that Tenshi and Kohana had disappeared, he put his hands on his hips and frowned. "Kisame, where are the girls?"

"They went to the store." Kisame licked his thumb and turned the page slowly. "They'll be back Itachi. Did you need something? I can call Kohana's cell phone and tell her to pick up whatever you need."

Itachi fought tears. "They left meeeee!!"

Kisame's eyes widened with fear. "I-Itachi? Are you okay?"

"Noooo!!" Itachi covered his face. Kisame stood slowly.

"Itachi, did you take the right medication?"

"Kohana gave it to me herself." He nodded wiping away his tears. Kisame knew that Kohana had a nasty habit of mixing up the medication. He moved over to Itachi and looked at the man carefully. Itachi looked up at him with wide sparkly eyes and Kisame groaned. Somehow, their assistant had still managed to screw up. If it weren't for the fact the girl was their leader's "niece", she probably would have been fired by Itachi himself a long time ago. The most he himself could do at the moment was keep Itachi under control until they came back and Kohana could give him the right medication.

Kakuzu came in, thinking of a way to make some money. He looked up and saw an emotional Itachi and immediately a light bulb clicked on in his head. He would need some help with this idea. He turned and snuck back out of the room and rushed to Hidan's room...

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"Okay, seriously," Tenshi stared at the shelf of shampoo as Kohana concentrated on the list she had. Why she came up with the idea to have the guys list everything they would need and put it on the refrigerator was beyond her but it wasn't until they arrived to Wal-Mart and she actually looked at the list that she realized they had an additional fifty-nine other items to find and purchase as well. "There can't be more than twelve kinds of shampoo for blondes!"

"Yeah, remind me to go kill the makers of these shampoos when we finish..." Kohana mumbled while reading the list, "Okay, Deidara says that he likes the kind that smells like mango and also has built in conditioner...Herbal Essences if they have that."

Tenshi screamed. "THEY HAVE A MILLION KINDS OF SHAMPOO!! WHY CAN'T HE JUST GET A REGULAR KIND LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE?!"

Kohana shrugged, "I'm not a blonde...maybe he wants to keep that color?"

Tenshi slapped her forehead and muttered some colorful words. After a few minutes of searching, they found the shampoo that Deidara had requested. "Now what's next?"

Kohana looked back at the list then looked up with a frown. "Itachi wants the same except for brunettes and he wants his to smell like apples..."

"GAAAH!!"

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Hidan poured Tobi's grinded happy pills into Kakuzu's mixture of Full Throttle Blue Guava and blueberry fruit punch as Kakuzu set up the camcorder.

"Why are we doing this again?" Hidan asked sourly. He had been in the middle of a sacrificial prayer when Kakuzu busted into his room and told him about this crazy idea he had come up with.

"Itachi has fangirls. Deidara has fangirls. Kisame needs fangirls. Sasori...also has fangirls." He set the camera down. "If we can get them all doing something humiliating on camera and post it for others to see...we could make money off of them!" Kakuzu wanted to pat himself on the back for being so cunning. Hidan stared at him, his left eye slightly twitching with rage.

"You are so--"

"Ah. Don't finish that thought. Now, come on. We have to hurry before the girls get back." He grabbed some plastic cups and motioned for Hidan to grab the pitcher of...juice.

In the living room, Kisame had managed to get Itachi to calm down and watch Dora the Explorer with Tobi. Sasori and Deidara were sitting down on opposite sides of the coffee table arguing about the different styles of art while playing poker. Deidara desperately needed to brush up on his skills.

"I made a new drink!" Kakuzu held up cups. "I need to test it before I try to get it marketed."

They all looked at him.

"Tobi wants to try it!!" Tobi jumped up and held out his hand for a cup. Hidan looked at Kakuzu and Kakuzu nodded. If Itachi had taken the wrong meds then so did Tobi...and they could NOT afford for that little monster to mess up the plan by pulling out his battle axe. Not today. Maybe tomorrow, but definitely not today. Hidan still hadn't recovered fully from that last attack.

Tobi was given a cup and sat back down, sipping politely as if he would disturb Dora should he sip any louder. The others waited a few minutes to see if Tobi would die before agreeing to sample the drink. Sasori was the most reluctant since he's usually the one to make drinks and then try to get the others to sample it. Having once been a bartender, he was very good at mixing all sorts of drinks. He had once tricked poor Kohana into drinking something he made and named "Sex Me Down"...Nonetheless, she almost (or may have) broken the anti-procreation rule...

Hidan and Kakuzu waited to see how they would react.

"Hey! This is pretty good. What's in it?" Sasori nodded taking another sip.

"Full Throttle Blue Guava and blueberry punch. I was thinking of adding alcohol but I wasn't sure how it would...react with the energy drink." Kakuzu had almost spilled the beans on his plan but managed to save himself. He wasn't sure how the medication would react to alcohol so he decided not to chance it.

Deidara chugged the cup and set the cup down, "More, yeah!"

Hidan put the pitcher down. "I am not your damned maid...they left."

Deidara didn't argue but instead poured more, twice as much as he was given the first time. All of them began pouring their own refills and by the time it was all gone, Kisame had drank five cups, Deidara had drank seven, Sasori had drank four, Zetsu had drank six and Orochimaru had drank three cups.

"Um...Orochimaru? When the hell did you get in here?" Sasori asked looking at the pale man.

"I came in about ten minutes ago." He tossed the rest of his drink back. "That's pretty good."

"Wait...why are you here, yeah?" Deidara stood slowly then fell into a fit of giggles as the room swayed slightly. "Whooooooa!"

Hidan and Kakuzu watched at the men slowly dissolved into mushy little Tobi's. Kakuzu grinned evilly and rubbed his hands together. "Show time!"

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It had been nearly forty-five minutes since they had first entered the store. Kohana and Tenshi had finally made it to the checkout line...only to be disappointed.

"You have GOT to be kidding me!" She yelled, eyes turning gold.

Kohana's eyes widened with panic. "Tenshi, not here. You'll freak out the customers!"

Tenshi closed her eyes and frowned hard. "I don't care! How can they have over twenty-five lanes and they ALL be occupied with more than four customers each??"

Kohana smiled sadly and shrugged. "It IS Wal-Mart after all..."

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Hidan put the set up Kohana's laptop on the kitchen table since it was the closest flat surface that was at the right distance to set up her webcam and play the music.

"Ready guys?" Kakuzu stood next to Hidan. They all nodded happily and Hidan started the music.

"I am a superstar with a big big house and a big big car,
I am a superstar and I don't care who you are.
I am a superstar with a big big house and a big big car,
I am a superstar and I don't care who you are..."

They all sang and danced around in what some would classify as pure chibi form.

"Superstar!" Deidara, Sasori, and Zetsu popped into the screen then disappeared and returned to the background to dance rave style.

Itachi grabbed a whisk from the kitchen and pretended he was singing into a microphone. "Got many money honey, I'm a superstar. My life is funny honey, Have you seen my car? I know a lot of people, I'm a superstar; everybody knows me, right from near."

"I got a plane--" Kisame jumped in.

"I got a plane." Itachi echoed.

"I love the fame--"

"I love the fame."

"You know my name--"

"You know my name."

"And I just want you to know." They both started jumping around like total nutcases.

Hidan and Kakuzu watched as all seven of the men ran about the living room singing and dancing as if they would die tomorrow. Might as well live it up...

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Kohana parked the van and sighed. How was she supposed to know that the inspection sticker had gone out on the damned thing? Kisame was supposed to keep that stuff updated. When she got inside, she was gonna let that blue idiot have it.

"Kohana?" Tenshi whispered. Kohana looked up and her jaw dropped. There were strobe lights of all colors flashing inside the house and she could clearly hear Toybox's "Superstar" playing loudly.

She and Tenshi ran to the door and opened it. Seeing Hidan with her laptop and webcam then seeing seven grown men dance around like children...it was too much. Tenshi turned when she heard a thud and saw Kohana out cold on the floor. Her eyes turned gold. "Someone is going to pay for me going through PURE HELL in Wal-mart!" She rolled up her sleeves.

Needless to say, Itachi wasn't a superstar anymore after that...

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Kakuzu managed to redesign the video to make it even more embarrassing. He managed to make money off of it until someone stole the video and then uploaded it as their own. Now there are millions of "Itachi the Superstar" videos on YouTube.

Kakuzu learned the value of copy rights.