Black Cloaks, Red Clouds, Purple Nail Polish

Dear Foolish Little Brother,

I want you to know that I'm not writing to you just to chat, but because it's come down to either I write to myself in some girly little diary or to someone who will actually write back. Hopefully, the hatred within you towards me will drive you to respond.

Let hatred guide your pen,
Itachi

Itachi,

I only want to know how the hell you managed to find me. We change secret locations every week. There's no way you'd be able to find me.

Piss off,
Sasuke

Dear Foolish Little Brother,

Orochimaru never mentioned that he used to be apart of our organization? Of course I would know where to find some of his "secret" locations. That and your chakra is very familiar to me. Today, as I contemplated killing Tobi and Deidara again, I kept thinking of how I killed our family. Looking back on it, I guess it was wrong. To leave you all alone with those dipsticks of the Hidden Leaf was immoral. I should have taken you with me. Together we could have made a kickass team, don't you think? I kept picturing how easily Mother was slain and our pathetic excuse of a father attempted to protect her. If you want, I can dig up her corpse and give her hand to you. I know how close you were to her.

Also, I do feel a bit bad for our brief reunion in which Jiraiya interrupted. It was wrong of him to disturb our bonding. I'm still a bit amazed at how my touch put you to sleep so quickly. Regret. That is what I feel now when I look back on our past.

Remember to scream out "Stranger Danger!" if Orochimaru gets too close,
Itachi

Itachi,

No, he never mentioned being apart of your tree house club. Knowing this makes me rethink the whole decision of letting him train me. I can't be trained by someone who was once apart of anything you were or are apart of. As far as the chakra thing, that idea never dawned on me. Surely that means I can find you without Oreo's help.

What the fuck is a Tobi? Or a Deidara for that matter?

As far as your act of murdering our family, I don't care how much regret you feel now. I will kill you. Period. I don't appreciate the jokes either you sick turd.

May you accidentally cut off an arm or two,
Sasuke

Dear Foolish Little Brother,

I didn't get to finish all of your last letter. I was reading it aloud when Tobi heard his name and dived on me. Of course, since he invaded my personal bubble, a fight ensued and the letter was torched. A Tobi is torture in human form that you cannot kill due to rules set up by our Leader and enforced by an appointed assistant who has no problem threatening to stop brushing your hair or painting your nails for you. What's worse is that she came from our former village as well. I vaguely remember the girl, Kohana. Maybe her name rings a bell to you? Also there is a new member named Arai who is the Third's granddaughter. Surely you saw her around before you defected?

Any information you have on these two would be very helpful.

Itachi

Itachi,

The Sarutobi chick has weird eyes, right? I heard she had a crush or something on Shikamaru. Right after Orochimaru's attack on the Leaf she defected to hunt him down for revenge. Chances are, if she's there with you, she's only using you all to find the Snake man. I'll let him know she's looking for him. Kohana? It does ring a bell. Kurama. That's all I wish to tell you for now.

Tobi sounds like my kind of guy! Tell him to keep up the good work!

Glad to hear you're tortured,
Sasuke

Dear Foolish Little Asshole,

I fail to see what part of that was actually funny. Maybe I should send Tobi to spend time with you all. Then again, I don't want the good Idiot to be brutally ass raped by your "Sensei" and his goo goo little sidekick. Besides you may feel a bit left out.

On second thought...it would be nice if you came to spend a day or so with us. Life with the Akatsuki isn't as bad as the commercial Kakuzu came up with made it out to be. There are three chicks here that are a little like maids. Well, Ko-chan is more of a maid than the other two. Tenshi and Arai are more like the guards of a prison that suck all the fun out of everything.

I wanted you to know that I plan on moving out sometime within the next few years. Maybe once you get over what I did you can come visit? If you really mean it, I don't mind allowing you to come live with me. Too much exposure to Orochimaru can kill off all your brain cells. I think that's why Sasori has a blow up doll of Deidara...

Moving on is good for you,
Itachi

Itachi,

Quality time with my nii-san without being able to kill him? That's like me getting Sakura pregnant. It's an abomination to mankind! Now coming up there to see exactly what life is like in your tree house club sounds okay. Can any of your maids make a nice omelet?

Seriously tired of ramen and rice cakes,
Sasuke

Poor Foolish Little Brother,

Ramen and rice cakes?! Is that all he feeds you? You must look absolutely...skinny. You used to fat you know. When you were a baby, I used to poke at your flab and watch it bounce back like jello. I once even asked Mother if you were all the fat she ever had in form of a human and got grounded for a week. Also, your middle name is Hubert. I meant to tell you that a long time ago but it keeps slipping my mind. Huzzah! Writing things down actually help clear out the old memory bank.

On a more serious note, if he's not feeding you, I urge you to come to visit and make a decision on which "tree house club" is more suitable for you. At least then you can get something good to eat. The girls are tolerable. Since you aren't a member you'd be permitted to kill a certain good boy for me.

Come join us, little brother. We have milk and M&M cookies.

Itachi