My Heart Is The Worst Kind Of Weapon

The door slamming seemed to restart my heart, making my hands suddenly shake and my head rush with the thoughts of what had just happened. I felt like I was going to cry, but my tear ducts were disfunctional. I was sweating and cursing and running my shaking hands repeatedly through my hair. I was a mess.

“Okay,” I muttered to myself, pacing around my room, “Okay, calm down Lindsey. You need to take deep, even breaths and think about something else. Don't think about Frank, or Jamia, or Dylan.”

I forced myself to sit on the edge of my bed as I thought about vacations. That was what I really needed right now. I needed a vacation, somewhere sunny and warm and troublefree, to get away from this stupid lie that was coming after me, drawing closer and closer as the days to this tour ticked downwards.

I thought about vacationing in Hawaii, and without meaning to, I made the subtle connection between Hawaii and Frank. Hawaii was our last state we toured in, in a little more than a month from now. That meant that Frank would know about my horrible lie by then, whether I told him first or Jamia did.

I groaned and was thinking about flinging myself off my hotel balcony to end my misery when there was another knock on my door.

I stood up and made my way to the door, opening it to see Frank. Just seeing him looking so happy made my heart leap and crack all in one painful swoop.

“Hey.” He leaned down and kissed me on the lips, wrapping his arms around me.

I shouldn't have kissed him back, seeing as I had just gone through some very disturbing issues, but I couldn't help it. My body seemed to match Frank's exactly, filling into his empty spaces. His lips tasted sweet, and I eagerly accepted his kisses, savouring the feeling.

Frank pressed me against the wall of my hotel, kicking the door shut. I felt my body react to his touch as he brushed his fingertips along my stomach. He moved his lips from my mouth and kissed my neck, then my earlobe.

I let out a deep sigh and rested my forehead on his shoulder as he placed his chin on the top of my head.

“Lindsey?” He said to me, his fingers tracing circles on my lower back.

I shivered, “Mhm?”

“I love you.”

I raised my head to look up at him and felt my heart almost break at the look on his face. He meant every word. He was in love with me, and I was going to have to ruin that. My stomach clenched with nausea and I couldn't help but feel more tears prick at my eyes.

He was expecting me to say I loved him back, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it because that wouldn't be true to Dylan. This whole lie kept coming back to one thing, and that was the fact that after all of this, I was getting married.

So instead of responding, I kissed Frank, knowing that sooner or later, and most likely on the sooner side, I would have to break Frank's heart.

And knowing that I would have to do that was breaking my heart.