My Heart Is The Worst Kind Of Weapon

I was warm.

That was the first thing I noticed. Also, there was something bright streaming in from under my closed eyelids.

Then I began to hear and smell things again. First came the sound of seagulls and waves crashing against the shore. Then the smell of a barbeque hit my nose, making my stomach grumble with hunger.

“Mmrrggh.” I mumbled, trying to open my lips and my eyes so I could locate where that delicious smell was coming from.

I heard voices, and struggled harder to open my eyes, but they seemed to be crusted shut.

“Lindsey?” A voice, suddenly very close to me, called out, “Are you awake?”

“Bar-beg-you.” I muttered, “I want...”

“What to do you want?” The disembodied voice asked me.

“F-food.” I struggled to get out, through my dry and cracked lips.

I heard soft laughter and then something damp was placed over my eyes. After a few moments of the moisture surrounding me, my eyes slowly began to open.

“Argh.” I raised a hand to cover my squinting eyes. The bright sunlight was burning them.

“Here, drink this.” That voice said, “You're probably thirsty after crying out all the water in your body.”

I moved my hand from my eyes, keeping them shut tight, and began blindly reaching for the glass that I knew was being extended toward me.

“Lindsey, open your eyes.” The voice said.

“It hurts.” I croaked.

“You're not getting this water until you do.”

I groaned, then instantly regretted it, as the vibrations through my throat caused it to sear with pain.

I opened my eyes and recoiled once again at the brightness. But it slowly faded, and soon I could see Mikey, holding a glass of water out to me.

“Thanks.” I tried to say, but I had barely said the word before downing the water in the cup.

After drinking the whole glass, I felt immediately better. I could also see, and noticed that Gerard was standing at the foot of my bed, while Mikey kneeled in front of where I was lying.

“How are you?” Mikey asked with concern as he took the glass back and passed it to Gerard so he could fill it up again.

“Hungry.” I said again, “I need food.”

Gerard and Mikey exchanged half-amused glances and then Gerard reached for an apple that was sitting on the table. He tossed it at me, and I devoured it quickly, not noticing the silence in the room until after I was through eating.

And then I remembered Frank.

“Oh, God!” I cried, jumping out of bed, “I- I-”

“Don't start crying again.” Gerard warned me.

“I don't think that's possible.” Mikey said to his brother, “She cried out all her tears last night.”

“Do you guys- I mean- did Frank tell-” I started to say, but was interrupted by Gerard and Mikey nodding.

“Oh, God.” I moaned, sinking onto the bed opposite mine, “Well, then why are you here? Don't you guys hate me?”

They looked at each other, then back at me. Then Gerard shrugged.

“While I don't agree, or like, what you did to Frank, I can't hate you.” He said, “I can, however, be mad at you, but not enough to ignore you. You are our manager, after all.”

“And I think what you did was fucking stupid.” Mikey told me bluntly, “But... the truth is Lindsey, none of us are mad at you. Except Frank.”

“So Ray and Bob-”

“They're upset that you lied to Frank, and they're also hurt that you didn't share this important part of your life with them, but no, they're not mad.” Gerard informed me, which caused relief to flow from my head to my toes.

“So is Frank-” I broke off, unsure of how to ask a question that was burning inside of me.

“Ever going to talk to you, or even acknowledge your existence again?” Gerard finished for me, “No, he's not.”

“Well, I guess I deserve it.” I muttered, biting my lip. Thankfully, no tears came. Probably because Mikey was right when he said I had cried all my tears out.

“Are you kidding?” Mikey exclaimed, “You deserve much worse. In fact, you're lucky that we're all pretty forgiving people, or else you would have been fired. Do you have any idea how stupid what you did was? You pretty much screwed up Frank's life for who knows how long. Lucky you, you get to go home and get married and leave all this behind in two weeks, but what about us? Now this band has to fight tooth and nail to keep Frank from quitting, not to mention the number of months were going to have to spend helping Frank get through.”

His words should have caused me to burst into tears, but all they did was make me feel incredibly guilty.

“Okay, listen.” Gerard spoke quickly, before Mikey could rant for another minute, “Lindsey, how about you go take a shower and then we can talk some more. We can order room service and you're going to tell us exactly why you lied to Frank- and all of us- for the past seven months.”

I nodded my head and stood up to head into the bathroom. Boy, was I not looking forward to the talk we were going to have after I was done showering.