Give me Envy, Give me Malice, Give me Attention

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Ryan didn’t need to pull me away from the party anymore. I half ran away from everyone. I heard Spencer and Brent following me and calling my name, but I didn’t answer. I felt nauseous, like bile was rising up in my throat. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I couldn’t believe he was doing this to me. To me, his best friend.

I didn’t know Ryan still had my arm until I was out of the house near Ryan’s car. I pulled my arm from his grasp and tried to open the car door. I couldn’t get the door to open Ryan took out his keys and unlocked his car and took me in his arms and let me cry.

“I don’t know why he’s acting like such a dick, Aspen. I really don’t,” he whispered as he held me close.

“What the hell is going on? What did Brendon do?” Brent asked.

“Just don’t worry about it,” I heard Ryan say. I needed to get out of here. I knew I wasn’t done crying, but I wasn’t going to sob here in front of everyone.

“I- I need t- to go Ry,” I choked out and I felt him nod his head.

“Spencer can you go take Brendon home and tell him we’re going to Aspen’s house for the night?”

“Yeah of course, but what if he asks why?”

“Tell him it’s his raging teenage hormones that caused the problem,” Ryan said and with that he helped me into the passenger seat of his car. I wasn’t paying attention to what he was doing but I assumed he was telling Brent and Spencer what happened. I slouched down in my seat more and closed my eyes.

The driver side door opened and the car started. Ryan put his arm around me and sighed. “I hate seeing you cry.” I made a noise half way between a laugh and a sob. The car ride to my house was silent other than an occasional sniffle coming from me as I tried to compose myself. The car pulled to a stop in front of my dark, empty house. “Do you want me to stay the night?”

I thought about Ryan’s question for a minute. My initial answer was yes without a question. But then I changed my mind, Ryan didn’t need to see me like this. No one did.

“I’m okay Ryan, thank you though.”

“You don’t sound okay, are you sure?” He didn’t look convinced.

“Yes, I am. Thanks for getting me out of there, I just need to go inside and sleep,” I sighed. I hated crying in front of people, it made me feel weak, even if it was my best friend.

“I understand but just call if you need anything, ok? I hate leaving you like this. I’ll bring you your stuff from Brendon’s house tomorrow and then we’ll talk,” Ryan said and then pulled me into his arms for a hug. I almost lost it again before I pulled away. I gave him a small, strained smile and got out of the car.

Before I closed the door I remembered my car that was sitting in the Urie’s driveway.
“Shit Ryan my car is still at Brendon’s,” I huffed and started to get back in the car when he stopped me.

“I’ll take care of it; it’ll be in your driveway by tomorrow morning. Just get some sleep.” My eyes filled with tears again.

“Thank you,” I whispered. Ryan just smiled as I closed the door and ran up to my house and let myself in. I waved to him and walked inside. I sank down against the closed door and started to sob.

This is going to be a long night, I thought to myself.

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The next morning I woke up and I realized that I never took my makeup off last night. I walked to my bedroom and I almost gasped out loud at the person staring at me in the mirror. I immediately shed my clothes and hopped in the shower. I didn’t want to look like a creature for the deep sea any longer. My long black hair was tangled and sticking out at odd angles, I had bags under my eyes red puffy eyes, mascara and eyeliner were smeared down my cheeks and I definitely had a zit on my chin.

I sighed as the hot water calmed my nerves. I didn’t want to face Brendon. I didn’t know what he would do. Would he ignore what happened? Would he be totally in love with the mystery girl? Who was the mystery girl? I had never seen her before. She must go to a different school, or be new.

After my shower I changed into something comfortable and went downstairs. My car was sitting right where Ryan’s was last night. I grabbed my phone off of the kitchen counter and sent a quick text to him thanking him for everything he did last night. I made myself breakfast but I barely touched it. I wasn’t hungry.

I sat at the table just staring off into space until the doorbell rang. I assumed it was Ryan bringing me my stuff from Brendon’s house. I walked to the door and opened it and there stood Brendon with my bag in his hands and my book bag on his back. My jaw dropped and I stayed silent.

“I brought your stuff,” Brendon said meekly. I instantly grew cold and nodded my head. “Can I come in?”

“Sure.”

He walked past me and I closed the door. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before I turned around to face him. He had already set my bags down and he was pacing nervously. Brendon could never stand still.

“I think we should talk,” Brendon stated, finally coming to a halt.

“Do you?”

“Y- Yeah,” he stuttered, surprised by my harsh tone.

“Okay, talk.”

“I’m sorry about how everything turned out. I didn’t handle any of this well,” Brendon apologized no longer taken aback by my unforgiving attitude.

“No you really didn’t.” I wasn’t ready to forgive him just yet. I wanted to make him sweat, but I knew things would go back to normal or hopefully he’d realize he’d made a big mistake with that girl.

“I hope we can still be friends after this. When friends kiss it always seems to mess up the friendship. I don’t want that to happen to us.”

He said it as if it was the most natural thing in the world. He said it as if our kiss meant nothing.

“So our kiss didn’t mean anything to you?” I asked tears filling my eyes. He looked strained but then composed himself.

“Not in a romantic way. You’re my best friend, Aspen. Kissing was a mistake,” Brendon said and I completely froze in the position I was in.

“Get out.”

“Aspen come on don’t be dramatic,” Brendon scoffed.

“Get the fuck out of my house Brendon Boyd Urie.”

He then realized I was being completely and utterly serious. His eyes widened.

“You’ve never told me to leave before,” he whimpered in a heart breaking miserable voice.

“I am now. Go.”

His shoulders slumped and he walked to the door and let himself out.

I broke down into a fit of sobs when he closed the door. For the rest of the day I sat around watching soap operas and reading. Whenever I thought about Brendon I felt sick, so I tried to keep my mind off of him. Ryan came over in the middle of the day to check up on how I was doing. I told him what happened with Brendon and he was absolutely horrified. He was about to drive over to Brendon’s house and ‘knock some sense into him’ but I wouldn’t let him. It was bad enough that Brendon and I were fighting; Ryan didn’t need to be brought into this too. It could mess things up with the band and I really did not want to be responsible for that.

I put my pajamas on at 8 and fell right asleep, without even waiting for my parents to come home.

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The next day I didn’t talk to Brendon at all. All morning I worried about lunch and when the time finally came I was worried sick. My lunch table consisted of Brendon, Ryan, Spencer, Brent, a couple random girls we were all friends with and myself. I usually sat next to Brendon and that wasn’t happening today.

I was late for lunch because I went to the ladies room to fix my makeup and check my outfit. I wanted to look okay before I saw him. I hoped that Brendon wouldn’t give me a hard time today.
But this is Brendon we’re talking about here.

I walked towards the lunch room and I ran into Electra, one of the girls that sat at our table. She’s a pretty good friend of mine. We’re not exactly best friends but she’s fun to talk to and hang out with.

“The new girl is sitting at our table,” she informed me with a scowl on her face. I laughed, totally not making the connection.

“Is she that bad?”

“Yes! She’s a complete bitch! And she’s all over Brendon! The worst part is that he’s eating it up!”

My heart stopped.

“What color is her hair?” I asked and hoped she wouldn’t give the answer I knew she would give.

“What? Why?”

“Just tell me.”

“She’s a redhead. Want to explain your fascination with her hair?”

“Brendon kissed her at a party this weekend,” I said knowing I’d sound upset.

“What?! Are you kidding me? Why? I thought…” She started, but then stopped.

“You thought what?”

“It’s completely obvious he’s in love with you,” she said as if it was the most known fact in the world.

“No he’s not.”

“He may not know it but he certainly is."
“You’d think he’d realize it after he kissed me,” I grumbled.

“Wait, what?! Okay start from the beginning and don’t stop until I’ve been caught up on all of the events of the weekend. We’re sitting at a different table today, come on.”

And with that she pulled me to an empty lunch table and I told her everything that happened over the weekend as we ate. It was nice to tell a girl about the whole thing. Ryan and Jon and Spencer are great, but it’s nice to have some girl time. I don’t know why Electra and I haven’t gotten closer over the years. I was glad I ran into her. Her horrified expression and her pissy remarks made me feel better about the situation somehow. When I was completely done she sat back a minute and thought.

“Okay here’s what you’re going to do. You are going to go back over there and sit next to Ryan. And you are not going to give Brendon the time of day. But you have to assert yourself. Show her that they’re your friends, not hers. No matter what she says to you, don’t let it get to you. Got it?”

“Yes ma’am,” I said with a laugh. “You have to come with me though.”

“Of course,” she said with an eye roll and we walked over to our usual table.

“Aspen!” Ryan said sounding relieved. He pulled me into a side hug and smiled.

“Sorry I’m late, Electra and I were catching up,” I said with a smirk. I could see out of the corner of my eye that Electra was smirking as well.

“We were just talking about you actually,” the redhead said. “I’m Bliss.”

The she devil has a name, I thought to myself.

“Oh really? That’s nice.” I said and I took over the conversation. I glanced at Brendon a few times and he looked lost and upset. I felt kind of guilty, leaving him out of the conversation completely. But he deserved it.

When lunch was over everyone said goodbye and I packed up my stuff so I could head over to my next period class. I was on my way there when Bliss stopped me.

“Aspen! Wait up!”

I whipped around and I saw her strutting up to me.

“Yeah?”

“Look I realize you’ve known these kids forever but Brendon is mine. You can have, Brian you can have Steve and you can have whoever the other kids are but you cannot have Brendon. You snooze you lose.”

“I think you mean Ryan, Spencer and Brent,” I said. I was beyond pissed off at this point.

“Whatever. Just so you know he’s mine. I’m taking over here Alicia, whether you like it or not,” she said with a smirk and walked away.

“It’s Aspen,” I called.

“I don’t care.”

And with that she took off down the hallway.

Fucking bitch.