Cracker Jack

Christmas morning dawned even colder than the day before. I wasn't actually aware of the temperature outside, but I was continuously shivering due to my mother's frigid attitude. I couldn't blame her; I hadn't exactly been an ideal child when I'd run off with Jack the night before.

I treated the day like any other. I sat in my bedroom and stared out the window. For the amount of time I sat there, I noticed surprisingly little. I wore my new sweater all day.

Given the situation, I should have been overjoyed that Christmas. I had finally gotten Jack to be more than my friend. But for some reason, the thought left me miserable. It felt more like he'd dumped me than kissed me.

I knew why I felt this way, of course. Everything that I had said to Camille and Sofi had been true. I was worried about Jack's safety. He was always going to try and be my personal knight in shining armor. And I couldn't watch him do that time and time again. I was the villain, not the damsel in distress. And as much as it would hurt to see him ride off into the sunset with someone else, I knew that I would feel better if that was how it ended. He deserved someone better. He deserved someone good.

I waited an entire week before I trudged through the snow and made my way back to the Mercer household. Evelyn sent me upstairs to Jack's bedroom, and Bobby made a few irritating kissing noises from the living room. I scowled and flipped him off as I headed up the flight of stairs.

"Stop it," Evelyn scolded, even though I was too far upstairs to stop and apologize. I didn't really know if she was speaking to me or Bobby anyways.

I knocked softly on Jack's door as I pushed it open. Jack looked up at me as I entered. He was sitting on the floor, strumming lightly on his guitar. The melody was so light and gentle that I could barely hear it. He strummed a chord loud and fast, smiling at me widely. When I didn't respond, he leaned the guitar against the side of the bed and beckoned me forward.

I walked farther into the room and sat down on the floor next to him. "Jack," I began.

"Did you come here so that you could kiss me at midnight?"

"I," I paused, gazing at him dumbly. "What?"

"Did you lose your calendar?" He teased. "It's New Years Eve."

I glanced around the room suddenly, as if looking for a confirmation to his claim. There was nothing, so I chose to believe him. I looked back at him and smiled softly.

"Jackie, I think we need to talk. What happened the other night-"

"As if you didn't like it," he grinned impishly, picking up his guitar once more. He struck a chord and began to play something that sounded vaguely familiar, but I couldn't focus on it long enough to place it.

"I won't pretend that I didn't like it. That's not the problem. I just don't know where to go from here."

"I can think of a few places we could take it."

"Jack," I said sternly. "I'm serious. You're my best friend. Well, you're actually my only friend. I can't risk losing that."

"Who says you would lose anything? We might just be improving something. What's the harm in trying?"

"There's a lot of harm in trying, actually. If I spend the whole time scared to do anything because it might cause something to go wrong, we'll never experience anything at all. We would just wind up sitting like this everyday. And don't tell me that nothing will happen, Jack. I'm not going to believe you."

He continued playing the guitar as if I hadn't said a word. After an extended break in the conversation, I sighed.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" I prodded.

He shook his head, looking down at his finger placements on the frets of the guitar. "You seem to have thought about this a lot over the last week. I doubt that anything I can say will change your mind."

"Don't be like that."

"Like what?" He still watched his fingers as they shifted positions. "I know that I'll just be wasting my time and yours. Do you really think that I'll accomplish anything by arguing with you? What do you want me to say?"

"Well... are things going to be weird between us now? You know I can't handle that."

He flashed me a quick, fake smile before refocusing on the guitar. "No, I won't make anything weird. I promise."

I saw something in his eyes in that moment. Even though he wasn't looking at me, it was clear as day. I wasn't sure if it was sadness, disappointment, or maybe it was just the confirmation of something that he already knew. Either way, it broke my heart to see it. I was so tangled up in sacrificing myself for his sake that I failed to consider his feelings in the whole ordeal.

I had tried to offer him a way out, but I had forgotten that he had been the one to dive right in in the first place.

"Are you okay?" I asked, somewhat hesitantly.

"I'm fine, Hayley. Are you okay?"

"Not really," I admitted.

At that, he finally looked at me. For the first time in a long time, he took the time to actually see me. I can only imagine what kind of a mess he saw sitting beside him that day. He set the guitar on the carpet before his feet and faced me fully. He studied the lines that were already cementing themselves between my eyes. His fingers gently traced my hairline, sliding smoothly down the side of my face, behind my ear, and along my jaw. I could hear myself swallow loudly as my heart pumped furiously within my chest.

Resistance was pointless. I was only moments away from falling so hard that I would never be able to right myself again.

"Then why are you doing this?" He asked.

"I don't even know anymore," I whispered.

"I know that you think that I'm better off without you," he murmured, letting his fingertips trace the tendons in my neck. "But I think it might just be the opposite way around. It's clear that we're stuck together, whether we're friends or otherwise. The truth of the matter is, Hayley, that I'm better with you."

Despite every thought in my head that told me to leave, I completely forgot the reason that I'd gone to visit Jack that evening. I couldn't recall why I'd wanted to go back to before we'd ever kissed. I had to have been crazy to want anything other than for the both of us to be happy, right?

I cupped a hand around the back of his head and pulled him in. Jack was grinning - but not in a cocky way - as he made his move and let his mouth collide with my own. It was different this time. Maybe it was because we weren't half frozen. My mind couldn't wrap around a single thought as I became hopelessly entangled in Jack. He fell back, and I found myself hovering over him. I balanced myself on my knees and my hands, never breaking the kiss. If there was ever a moment that I wished could have lasted forever, this was it.

All the blood was rushing to my head and my entire body was running on a hotter temperature. My chest was barely able to contain my thundering heart. My lips felt swollen and thick, but I hardly noticed.

Had I been a more popular girl, I probably would have been more experienced with this kind of thing. As it was, Jack was the first boy to ever even stick his tongue in my mouth, let alone slide his hands up my sides and under my tee shirt. Strangely, I wasn't worried at all. I trusted Jack more than I trusted my own mother.

I found myself craving more. I had never considered myself to be a greedy person, but I seemed to need to have every part of him to myself. I raised my arms just enough for him to begin to lift my shirt over my head.

"Cracker Jack!" Bobby's voice made both of us freeze. Thankfully, it seemed to be coming from downstairs. "You guys should come down and watch the New Years special on TV. Ma is making popcorn."

I stared down at Jack, and he smoothed my shirt down across my back and stomach. Bobby most likely knew that the two of us were doing something we shouldn't have. Clearly, he had already known that we'd kissed. He probably made up the excuse of the television special to get us downstairs, where we could be properly chaperoned.

It was probably a smart idea. After all, we were two teenagers at the beck and call of our raging hormones.

"Sorry," Jack apologized as the two of us sat up straight.

"For what?"

"For everything that just happened. For kissing you the other night without asking first. And for Bobby's interruption just now."

I found that there was a smirk playing at my lips. I leaned in swiftly and kissed him. It was as natural and simple as if the two of us were talking on a smoke break. If only everything could be that effortless.

"There," I said, releasing him. "Now we're even. I didn't ask for your permission, either."

He stared at me curiously. I watched him just as intently. His movements were small and slow, as though I were a wild animal that he didn't want to frighten away.

"Do you honestly want to go back to being friends?" He questioned.

I considered his question carefully. "I honestly think that it would be for the best," I said quietly. "But I also think that I don't really care what is best. I just know that this feels pretty damn good to me. And I also know that you're the only person that makes me feel happy."

"Jackie!" Bobby's voice called out again.

"Just a second!" Jack yelled back. He focused on me. "Fuck what's for the best, Hayley. It doesn't matter. We're young; we're allowed to do stupid things and make mistakes."

"I just can't let go of the feeling that this is going to blow up in our faces."

"So?"

I smiled. "Now you're speaking my language."

"Be my girlfriend, Hayley?"

I felt myself nod, almost as if it were a reflex. "Okay."

He kissed me once, then we headed downstairs before Bobby could yell at us anymore. As soon as we were seated on the couch, Bobby threw on his coat and headed out to a bar. He claimed that he was meeting some friends. I wondered if he was going to be doing something illegal. Then I realized that I didn't really care.

Angel was over at Sofi's for the night, so only the three of us were left. I felt an odd tension in the room now that Jack and I were together. It was most likely my imagination, but surely Evelyn had noticed the way we were awkwardly leaning away from one another on the sofa.

I left long before midnight, unable to handle the intensity that I was feeling. I refused to let Jack walk me home, but I allowed him to follow me outside for a quick cigarette before I left.

"School starts soon," he observed dryly.

"Sure does."

"Do you think people will figure out that we're together?"

I shrugged. "They all think we already are."

"Right. Good point."

I discarded my finished smoke and pecked him lightly on the lips. "Happy New Year, Jack."

He smiled as I backed away down the freshly shoveled sidewalk. "This year is looking up already. And it hasn't even started yet."

I silently agreed with him.