Before I Forget

I sat weeping at the end of his bed, my body shook violently – I had no control any more, the pain had taken over completely. White sheets were draped over his limp body, his pale face protruding at the other end, a small peaceful smile plastered to it comfortably - the first real smile I had seen from the face that owned my heart in a long time.

I buried my face in my hands, desperation consuming me. My eyes were red and swollen, I had lost track of how long I had been sitting here, but my eyes had run out of tears to expel.

The love of my life was gone.

A wave of sorrow crashed through me, my breath caught in my throat. What was I to do now? How could I move on? I had known for eighteen months that this day was slowly approaching, but I never wanted to believe it; none of us did.

I knew when his days began to linger though, his already pale complexion turning to a ghostly white, his skin becoming rough - his once beautiful long hair that fell so perfectly over his angelic face falling to the ground in masses.

I had watched him suffer, struggle, I had been there through the screaming matches; his anger sporadically consumed him right up to the moment before he passed into the hands of God.

God.

Is there a God? I'm starting to doubt, if there was he would've prevented this! He had so much more to live for, so many more lives to save - if there was a god this wouldn't have happened.

I stared down at the silver band on my finger, a single red diamond encrusted in the center. My wedding band, the one he had slipped so carefully on my finger - his perfectly shaped lips had never worked so hard that day; it was impossible for them to stay down.

Not that mine were any different.

But now I will walk around with it on and not have anyone to claim ownership to the other half of it. This band in a way is dead, only memories; but memories are things that are dead.

My whole body was numb as I looked back up at him, oh how I prayed that he was just sleeping, just resting from the chemo.

But my mind wouldn't let me lie to myself, I knew I wouldn't see the shine of his crystal blue eyes again, wouldn't see them sparkle in the moon light as we walked hand in hand through the cornfields of Iowa; finding peace in just being together.

I would never see him laugh again, here his voice whisper sweet things in my ear. I would never feel his lips gently brush against mine with so much passion it was breath taking.

He was dead, gone, a memory.

But he will never be forgotten. No one could forget him, what he did for so many people through the simple form of music.

How would his fans take it?

I shook my head; I didn't want to think about it. I just wanted him by my side telling me everything would be alright; everything happens for a reason, everything has some profound meaning and purpose, even the bad things.

As he slowly got to the end of his life he started saying things, telling me to forget him - divorce even. He told me to move on and even that he hated me.

It hurt, I will admit. But behind all the harsh words I knew he was only saying them because he didn't want me to hurt when he finally had to pass. Well I guess I didn't grant him that.

We got closer when he was diagnosed, it sounds silly, getting closer to someone who is going to leave you; but it was impossible to leave him - I didn't want to leave him. He was and is my only true love, my soul mate if such things exist.

My whole life I have never met someone who cares so much, he was perfect in every way; immature, happy, carefree and hard working; yet still he had a sense of mystery and untold wisdom.

When we were told he was dying he had just started making his band’s fourth album - I guess the last album. He didn't talk to me for two weeks after that, actually he didn't talk to anyone; he completely disappeared. To this day I still don't know where he went - I guess I never will. When he came back though he had the design for his new mask and let the last bit black fade from his hair; I guess it was his way of coping with his illness and trying to accept it.

I grinned slightly to myself as I remembered him apologizing every day for a month after that, every night bringing me a red rose to show his regret. At the time I had laughed and told him I didn't mind so long as he was safe.

He was so determined when he came back, he changed, a new light shone through his already usually determined eyes. I knew that album meant the world to him, so did his band mates; it was his last testimony to the world, his way of proving his existence - his last reach out to those who needed help.

I had gone with them on tour, watched painfully as each show took a bit more from him. But he never gave up, he was trying to be strong; he went out each night and gave it his all, he wasn't going to let a single kid down.

My chair scraped along the linoleum as I pulled it slowly around the right side of his bed. I grabbed his cold hand tightly and squeezed it in mine; his hands were never cold, not through all the time I had met them, they were always busy playing some kind of instrument. These hands were never to bring his creative flare out through them again.

"Dance with me Aurora?" he asked as he extended his arm out towards me and bowed. I laughed carelessly and took his hand. He stood up straight and pulled me toward him, our body heat entwining. I stared up into his eyes, mesmerized as the light from the street lamp above danced in the reflection.

He wrapped one hand snugly around my waist and gently brushed some stray hair behind my ear as he caressed my cheek. I sighed gently and wrapped my arms around his neck as his other arm snaked around my waist.

Slowly we began to move, drifting slightly along the pavement, not caring if people thought we were crazy. We were both so wrapped in the moment, our gaze never breaking; the smiles never leaving our faces.

"I love you with all of my heart Aurora Olavai," he whispered, my heart melted at his sweet voice.

"I love you too Joey Jordison," I whispered back before leaning in towards him.

He was so special to me; nothing would ever be able to replace that. Every gap that surrounds me will be seen as belonging to him, he was meant to be there filling it.

But he wasn't, he isn’t. He won't.

I gently ran my thumb over his hand bringing it up to my chapped lips, I kissed it gently; a light red smudge appearing on it as I laid it carefully back on the white sheets.

He always hated white, not everything that had white, but things that were fully white. He never understood how people could live surrounded by pure white, how their lives can be that boring or insufficient that they felt the need to be sterilized with colour.

That's what I loved about him, he had such an awareness of everything around him, everything had a purpose and a meaning and if it didn't then he would either throw a drum stick at it or condemn it to some sort of slave labour in hell.

That was Joey, so deep yet so seemingly innocent and energized.

I turned away from his hand and my focus fell back onto his face; it tore me inside to see him this way. Not because he looked in pain, because he didn't, but because I was afraid of the image slipping from my mind when I left here and said my final goodbye.

How can you say goodbye to someone you love?

I was never really good at good byes; I find them the most awkward part of a get together, I can never decide whether to hug people or shake their hand or just wave, good byes always got me.

Joey was good at good byes; he'd usually just pull everyone in to a huge bear hug and say something ludicrously funny so everyone left in a good mood; that was my Joey, making everyone else happy.

” Aurora," he wheezed out, barely audible. I jumped up from my uncomfortable chair and ran over to his side; taking his hand in mine; it was getting colder by the second.

"Joey?" I asked, panic in my voice. I stared into his eyes, searching for an answer, he smiled weakly.

"It's time Aurora," he whispered; my eyes widened, I shook my head numbly.

"No please no, please be joking," I cried as I grabbed his hand tighter, he gave me a sad look as he brought his other hand around and gently brushed some hair from my face as he always did, wiping my tear stained cheek gently.

"I love you so fucking much," he whispered as he stared at me, I closed my eyes and shook my head again, praying this to be one of the reoccurring nightmares I had been having.

"Tell me you love me…please," he said, his voice was getting lighter, fading further away from this life. I opened my eyes and looked into his, they were dulling; the light was leaving them.

"Joey I love you with all my heart, you don't know how much, I could never explain in words or actions. You saved me from the day you strolled into my life wearing that infamous grin and you're still saving me, I don't know what I'm going to do once you're gone," I sobbed, he looked pained as he held his arms out, I leant forward and he wrapped them tightly around me, rubbing my back gently.

"The hardest part in this is leaving you," he whispered, this time I only just heard it. I felt his grip loosen around mine, I cried into his now motionless chest as a droning beep echoed around the room.

That was it.

He was gone.

Forever.

My hand reached out feebly, shaking slightly as I touched his cheek, gently running my fingers down it.

I would never get to touch him like this again, I would never feel him touch me or rub my back gently when I was upset and wrap his arms around me.

This was goodbye.

This was when I was meant to walk out and keep on living, forget everything that ever happened.

I sniffed as I slowly retracted my hand and closed my eyes, burning his face into my memory.

I knew the time had come for me to stand up and glide across the room, slowly open the door and start to walk out, only to turn back before I was fully out and whisper something profoundly sweet and passionate that summed up our entire lives together, and then turn around, gently close the door behind me and walk down the sterile corridor - never to see his face again.

In years to come I would sit on my bed late at night and wonder about the boy who stole my heart, my brain hurting as I racked my mind trying to remember his face; maybe I would start to call him Jack or Jay.

And by the time I was old and weltering, sitting on the nursing home porch staring out at the dismal surroundings, waiting for death to take me. I would have forgotten him, just another painful memory lost in a sea of dead thoughts.

How could I do that?

How could I live my life like that?

I tugged at the top of the white sheet and gently pulled it down. I moved his arm carefully and climbed into the bed next to him, wrapping his arm around me.

I pulled the sheets back up and slid my arms around his waist.

"This won’t be as hard for me, I don’t have you to leave behind," I whispered as I buried my head in his chest; knowing finally my destination now.

In loving memory of Aurora Jordison and Joey Jordison.
May they be together forever in death.