You Mustn't Give Your Heart To A Wild Thing

It reminded me of being caught sneaking back into the house years ago, at an ungodly hour of the morning by my Mum, or god forbid, my Dad. My clothes wrinkled and torn from fighting or…y’know, my eyes red and blurry from too much cheap cider or one toke too many. I was frozen to the spot whilst my mind raced. I had a whole jumble of thoughts, questions, excuses, but none of them seemed to matter. They did and would of back then, but not now. Not here, not with them.

“What time is it?” I asked, piercing the silence that had descended over the four of us. I heard hands grappling for phones, sleeves being torn upwards from wrists; a fervent tapping of fingertips against a keyboard. “Someone tell me what the fuckin’ time…”

“Seven thirty” The girl behind the desk, Lau, interrupted hesitantly. My eyes met hers briefly and she answered the question I knew I needn’t bother asking with an equally silent nod, as I raised my pointed finger to my brother and then the girl stood at his side. “Every morning, I…”

“I thought ye were in St Louis” I stated quietly, my entire body shaking from my shoulders to the tips of my toes. “With ye Mum. Every time I rang ye, ye said that ye couldn’t help me because ye were in St Louis, with ye Mum”

Her mouth fell open and snapped shut in quick succession a dozen or so times , and from the way she’d begun slouching, cowering a little, behind Thomas, I could tell my anger was making her uneasy. “This ain’t fuckin’ St Louis, Sam” I seethed, watching her jump a little at the increased volume of my voice. “ ‘m not that great at Geography, but I swear, this ain’t even fuckin’ close”

I felt Thomas’ open palms pushed against my chest before I’d even felt; or noticed, my feet shuffling forwards. “Ol, leave it”

My lips twisted into a sneer and despite his protests I continued to close the gap between the three of us.

“Oliver!” I was standing on the toes of his slip-ons when I stopped. I didn’t stop because of his shouting of my name, I froze because of someone elses. Hers had been chased by a question mark as apposed to the exclamation point of Toms, but it had been just as loud.

The confident stance she’d adopted thus far was diminishing at an alarming rate; she was almost folded to the knees when my hands met the smooth, dark mahogany desk.

“How d’ye know my name?” I asked, pinning her striking blue eyes with my own.

“Your brother, he just…”

“The two of ye were completely in unison love” I cut in, laying my open palms down in front of me; an action which I quickly regretted as I realised that the both of us could see my hands trembling. “‘m not buyin’ that” I continued, my fists now balled against the hardwood.

“He uh, he called you Ol” She stuttered, trying desperately to strike a genuine smirk across her lips. “What else would it be short f…”

“Ye said Verity too”

She looked a little defeated, briefly, for a split second. “You’re mistaken”

“Ye fast, but ye not a mind-reader; or whatever this would be classed as” I reasoned, “How d’ye know my name?”

“You said it earlier”

“I didn’” I argued, “I know not to go shoutin’ my name around everywhere, ‘ve learnt it the hard way, but I’ve got it down t’ an art love. I didn’ tell ye my name”

I didn’t know what a hotel receptionists version of surrender was, but if she’d had a white flag, a handkerchief, a fucking post-it, I imagine that at that moment she’d have waved it. That wasn’t to say she was up for telling me anything though, her lips were clamped shut to the point that her cheeks were twitching.

“Will someone tell me what the fuck is goin’ on ‘ere?” I exclaimed, throwing my arms into the air followed by the echoing of my voice into the lobbys high ceilings. “ ‘m startin’ t’ feel like ‘m on the fuckin’ Truman show or some shit. Either the world really is fuckin’ small, or ye all ‘ere…we’re all ‘ere for a reason”

“I don’ know anymore about ‘er than you do Ol” Tom piped up, nodding past me and toward Lau “ ‘s nowt t’ do with me”

“But she is, right?” I asked, angling my tense body back toward my brother and the redhead I recognised not by the voice I’d grown used to; she was yet to speak, but the small flash of blonde hidden behind her ear.

Both of them winced at the tone of my ‘she’ and it was then that I noticed Toms arm slung loosely around her waist; his fingers rubbing lightly against the fabric he’d gathered at her left hip. “Wha’s uh, what’s goin’ on with you two?”

“ ‘s isn’t the time Ol”

“If no-ones gonna tell me wha’s goin’ on with Verity, then we’ve got fuck all else t’ talk about” I countered, “So tell me, ‘ow long ‘av the two of ye been…”

“It’s not what it looks like” It was the first time Samantha had spoken, and it was obvious from the way her voice cracked that she wasn’t too comfortable doing so. “We’ve been meeting to talk about you and Verity, working out how we can…”

“Decidin’ on ye kids names? Whether the two of ye are gonna live over ‘ere or back in Sheff?”

Their fidgets were awkward; and those that would usually be associated with middle school kids and their first loves. Their hips clanged and collided; her chin caught the sharp edge of his shoulder. “We’ve been trying to get you and Verity back together” Sam mumbled, “that’s all”

“ Well ye doin’ a shit job of it” I muttered.

“We can’t be doing that bad a job; the both of you disappear every night” She threw back, the anxiousness of jerking movements vacant in both the volume and tone of her voice. “You can’t tell me that you’re not together”

“We’re not together” I stated simply, “I ‘aven’t seen ‘er since Paris. ‘ve not even spoken to ‘er”

“You’re lying”

“Why?”

Her mouth had been open, as though she’d already had an answer for me before I’d even given mine, but she closed it as I began fumbling with the hem of my hoodie. “Why would I lie about it Sam? All I want is t’av Verity back, don’t ye think I’d be shoutin’ it at the top of my lungs if it were true. Don’t ye think I would’ve told the both of ye’s”

“I don’t know what ye’d tell me anymore Ol” Tom sighed, “Ye barely say owt anymore, an’ when ye do ‘s just a load o’ curse words and mumbles”

“I say plenty”

“Ye say nothing worth listenin’ to”

My lips were sucked back against my teeth automatically and I could feel my eyes narrowing dramatically before I’d noticed the blurring of my vision as a result. The cheek, the audacity, the nerve. “’ve got something’ ye might want to listen to, something that might make ye think twice before claimin’ t’av me and Veritys best interests at ‘eart”

The pair of them blinked at me expectantly, two pairs of lips curled into inquisitive ‘o’s. I wanted to scream Alexs name at the top of my voice. It had been rattling around in my head; along with a wide selection of swears and insults, since the twelfth ‘the person you are calling is not available, please try again later’.

“Oli. What’s this…”

“Alex” I breathed quietly, failing to garner the reaction I’d envisaged.

Sams right eyebrow cocked upwards and an uneasy smile stretched from the corner of her lips, to the centre and then back again; apparently deciding to hide, safe, somewhere at the side of her mouth. “Alex, Oliver? What do you mean Alex?”

“ ‘s with Alex” The words barely made it past my teeth, whilst the pie I’d just eaten rushed upward in an effort to beat them. The gulp back down was uncomfortable and the stomach acid made my eyes water instantly. “She’s wi’ Alex” I struggled, trying desperately to be a little clearer in the hope that it would twist the expression on Samanthas face back to one I could read.

In that split second she looked positively fuming though. I’d rather be a little confused than outright frightened.

“Are you gonna blame Alex for everything Oli?” She enthused, shaking Toms pleading hand from her shoulder and striding towards me. “How long do you think that you can use him as some fucking scape-goat; or anyone else for that matter. ‘oh he asked her to marry him’” She spat, “ ‘oh you never told me that they lived together’, fucking get a grip and…”

“ ‘m not usin’ him as a scape-goat, I know I fucked up. I know now that all o’ this were my fault, an’ that I didn’ need some yank prick t’ ‘elp me make this mess. I know that Sam, an’ ‘ll admit it, but ‘s true. Gods honest truth, Verity’s wi…”

“Verity’s, uhm, Verity’s with Alex”

I was surprised she’d managed to get a word in edgeways, but she had. I watched Sams nostrils flare as she turned toward the blonde cowered behind the front desk, and I knew that Tom had seen mine do something similar when I’d caught sight of it.

“Sam, ye need t’…”

“Who the fuck are you?” She raged, raising a pointed finger at Lau. Her full, angry, attention had skipped from me to the girl, and whilst a small stab or sympathy was somewhere deep within my gut, I breathed out and I was relieved.

“You’ve met me before” Lau said timidly, “We met at the birthday party Alex threw for Verity, at Citizen Smith last March…well last, last March now, I guess. I worked with her at…”

“The Bowery” Sam finished, her cheeks flushing dark magenta for the briefest of moments. “I remember now, I…”

Sam and I had one thing in common; and as far as I could tell it was only one thing. Neither she nor I were particularly forthcoming with apologies. I don’t know whether it was the fact we bickered a lot or the fact that really we only spoke of one subject, Verity; of which we both believed we knew best and one neither of us would ever be swayed on. I’d never heard a ‘Sorry’ from Sam and I’m pretty sure she was far past expecting one from me.

“You say she’s with Alex?” Sam asked, bypassing the apology as I’d expected. Her softer tone would express it fine I imagined she thought; the absence of curse words and pointed fingers. “How do you know…I mean she’s been living with me, she…”

“You said she’s been disappearing every night” Lau shrugged, “Obviously she’s been going to see Alex”

I watched Sams shoulders tense, the corners of her mouth curl downward. I knew she didn‘t like it when someone knew something she didn‘t, especially when it came to her best friend. It was what had kept us at loggerheads and what kept many stories and anecdotes Verity and I shared, safe deep within my gut somewhere. Locked away. Secret. “Yeah” She mumbled quietly, “Obviously”

“Look, I don’t mean to intrude and I never would have had the three of you not come in here causing a ruckus…”

“ ‘s aint a ruckus love” Tom smirked, the weight of heavy hearts and minds overflowing with questions, lifting for a second or three. “Ye need t’ spend more than a few minutes with ‘im, wi’ us… t’ know what a ruckus really is”

My smile was broad and guilty, her smile though was uncomfortable, “Either way…Tom, is it?” He nodded, as did she. “Tom, either way… this is none of my business. I’ve seen Verity once since she’s been home…”

“ ‘s aint her home” I muttered.

“I’ve seen her once since she’s been…back?” She corrected quickly, hesitantly; her eyes squinting, her expression a wince. “I ran into her and Alex at the Coffee Bean on Paradise, that’s how I know about them. I haven’t been her confidant, I’m not holding any secrets for her…I know nothing more than you do. Now, anyway. I just…”

Her words trailed off as she turned her attention solely and unflinchingly on me. I could feel my skin goose pimple under her gaze, I was fighting the shivers and shudders tracing my spine back and forth. “You’re not what I expected, at all” She sighed, “Verity always spoke about you when she’d had a few drinks, and you’re nothing like how she described. I always thought you’d be more…”

“If ye gonna start sassin’ my ink, or my clothes…or whatever the fuck else people complain about I wouldn’” I interrupted swiftly, “I like tattoos, obviously, I can’t wear baggy jeans…me legs are too skinny, I look rate silly…an’ I didn’ piss on tha’…”

“You’re polite, well apart from your temper; and I can forgive you that today” She smiled awkwardly, “She made you out to be some reckless kid, a loose canon or something…like a tornado, just ripping up and destroying everything you touch. You’re…”

“That were years ago love”

“It was last year”

“I didn’ mean that, I meant…well, Verity left years ago” I sighed, “The last she knew I were a loose cannon, I was that kid…that guy”

“But you’re not now” Lau offered kindly.

It was foreign for someone else to acknowledge my change; the sentiment sounded strange coming from someone elses lips. I’d thought until then that my growing up, my calm after the storm had gone completely unnoticed. That somehow it had all happened under the surface, unbeknownst to anyone but myself. Unfortunately, people still held on to the image I’d wrongly projected all those years ago; I was a prick, I was a slut. I pissed on girls when they didn’t reciprocate my feelings and urges, I threw my proverbial toys from my proverbial pram when shows, tours, records didn’t go my way. I was never really that, but I certainly wasn’t now.

At seven thirty am, in the Hilton in Beverly Hills , I was stripped bare to the point of being almost transparent. I didn’t have a gimmick, I didn’t have a misquote. There was no audience, but for the first time, in a long time; longer than I could recall, I wasn’t just being noticed or recognised, someone was looking at me…and they were really looking.

&&

I’d always wondered about Tom, and girls. He had them falling over themselves to get to him; he had the ridiculously blue eyes and we shared a smile that I knew could get most; if not any, girl he wanted, but that was the problem, or so it seemed. He either didn’t want a girl, or he had no idea as to which he wanted. I’m sure he’d had girlfriends, but I had no names to hand, and I’ve always been positive that once, I’d caught sight of a brunette creeping down the hall in the reflection of the bathroom mirror. Although, she could have been mine; afterall, it was in the days when I was drinking a bottle or two of whisky a night like a heartbroken cowboy or some shit. It could well have been me that she was sneaking away from in the early hours.

But regardless of my previous reservations; my worries, if I’m being truthful, now, here he was. His fingers tangled with some sporting turquoise nail polish, his head leant inward and against that of a bowed redhead. He was with a girl, and it was the last girl I would ever have expected.

“Ye gonna eat that?”

My brother had shaken himself from Sam and his finger was now hovering a little too close to the last remaining blueberry pancake on my plate. I’d forced almost a half dozen down so as not to raise suspicion but the sixth, I feared, would have me racing to the bathroom as my breakfast did so with a similar speed back up my throat. “ ‘m stuffed” I answered simply. It wasn’t a yes or a no, but Tom had the pancake off of my plate and slapping down onto his within seconds.

“ ‘m starving like” He mumbled around the food he was shoving haphazardly into his mouth. There was syrup running steadily from his mouth to the tip of his chin and somehow, God only knows, he had managed to get the ketchup he’d spread thickly across his hash browns and eggs, to the right of his left eyebrow.

I chuckled softly and placed a napkin to my lips, brushing any crumbs that may have lingered around my mouth into the pale yellow paper. “I wouldn’ av know from lookin’ at ye” I teased, “ ‘s this what attracts ye to my brother, Sam?”

My tone had changed dramatically when it came to the question, and from the uncomfortable fidget I caught of the girl opposite me, I could tell that it had sounded just as cold and harsh to her ears, as it had to mine. “I don’t know why I said it like that, Sam” I apologised, smiling awkwardly. Her blue eyes flashed up from the French toast she was yet to even touch with her cutlery and she mirrored the sight twist of my lips.

“I think I’ve known you long enough to know you can’t control it sometimes” She reasoned, “It doesn’t mean it’s okay, but, I get it Oli. I’m hardly what you were expecting this morning, I can’t imagine we’re what you were expecting this morning”

“Today’s full of surprises”

I couldn’t tell whether the wince was for my benefit because she felt sorry for me, or something else; something private between her and Tom maybe. “She would’ve told me about Alex if it was anything serious Oli” It looked for a second as though the hand she’d had entwined with Toms was crossing the table toward mine, but she snapped it back with a thud against her chest, when we both noticed, simultaneously. “A way to pass the time, or something”

She didn’t sound too sure, and I wasn’t believing it for a second. “I don’t think ye really pass the time wi’ someone who’s asked ye t’ marry ‘im” I stated, “ ‘s done some questionable things, our Verity, but ‘s not cruel. The girl ‘asnt got a cruel bone in ‘er”

“You’re forgetting that she skipped town when he asked her, skipped the country even”

“An’ you’re forgettin’ that as far as Verity knows, I want absolutely nothing t’ do with ‘er” I retorted shakily, “I told ‘er I never wan’ed to see ‘er again, wha’s to stop ‘er marrying ‘im?”

“There’s a lot stopping her from marrying Alex, Oliver”

“She won’t get married Ol, not jus’ like that. She’s impulsive, but ‘s got a fucking good ‘ead on ‘er…”

“Wha’s t’ stop her marryin’ Alex? I wouldn’ blame ‘er if she did. The kid seems alright, ‘es got a rate stupid barnet an’ I can’t stand ‘is fuckin’…”

“He’s got stupid hair?”

“Ye know what ‘barnet’ means?” I mused, raising an eyebrow towards Sam and choosing to ignore her not so subtle dig at me.

“I pick some stuff up from your brother” She shrugged, “Little words, here and there”

I nodded slowly and reached for the half empty glass of orange juice in front of me, it had too many bits in it; I hated pulp, but talking to Sam always made me anxious, or nervous…or a dozen different things I didn‘t particularly enjoy. My mouth was dry, my throat raw.

“Verity won’t marry Alex” she said with a little more confidence and conviction than she’d had when convincing the both of us that this whole thing was ‘nothing serious’. I watched her closely over the rim of the glass as I guzzled the rest of my juice down. “She’d never marry someone she doesn’t love”

“Wha’s t’ say that she doesn’t love ‘im?”

“You” Sam answered simply, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. She picked up her fork and started poking at the scrambled eggs on her plate, was that it? Was there no further explanation?

“What d’ye…”

The fork fell to the plate with a clang and I just caught the end of the rolling of her eyes. “The fact that she’s in love with you Oli” She sighed, exasperation pushing its way into and onto each word. “You’re the reason she won’t marry Alex. You’re always the thing holding her back, you’re always the reason”

“I hold ‘er back?” I exclaimed, more than a little thrown. A thousand and one examples of things I had let her get away with, things I had let her do raced through my mind. Verity had always been the one calling the shots; she’d always been both the devil on my left shoulder and the angel on my right. She was the hand tugging me towards the action, she was the open palms pushing me toward the chaos, from behind.

“You keep her from doing things she’ll regret”

My mind was settled instantly; my arguments faded, a memory.

“The fact she loves you keeps her going because she knows that if she can still love you, after everything…there might be a small chance that you can still love her too”