You Mustn't Give Your Heart To A Wild Thing

One quick glance at my reflection made my stomach twist uncomfortably. Standing for all of five minutes, my eyes trained on the faint bruise Veritys mouth had made in the smallest of blank spaces on my neck, all but killed me. The mirror confirmed what I had feared. The dark circles etched under my eyes, the gaunt and sullen pale skin stretched tight over newly prominent cheek bones, confessed the breakdown and shutdown I would rather have kept hidden inside.

The ice cold water I had splashed on my face; in a futile and albeit abrupt attempt to wake me from my daydreaming, was rolling slowly down my cheeks and I was suprised to find myself jumping as it dripped from my chin to chest. I had afterall watched each drop intently through tired eyes.

I was unshaven, unwashed and uncomfortable.

My stomach turned as I attempted to brush my hair from where it had become slicked to my forehead; the grease was thick, each and every strand reeking of stale cigarettes, and i couldn't help but grimace as my fingers became tangled at the nape of my neck. I couldn't stomach this for much longer, I wouldn't stomach this for much longer.

I slammed my palm against the switch and the light flickered off as I exited the bathroom. I was angled back toward my bedroom, I was on my way back toward the safety of my bedroom. But a familiar voice rang through the flat and my feet had done a u turn; carrying me back toward the living room, before I had even realised I was moving at all.

The voice had dissappeared and the message had been left.

The desire to talk to anyone passed in a flash; disappearing as quickly as it had snuck up on me just minutes before. And I was left motionless and holding my breath at the end of the hall.

My brother was curled up and snoring softly; hidden amongst the huge cushions of my couch, whilst Sheep had been lumped with the armchair; something that didn’t sit well with his six foot three frame. His legs were draped heavily over the arm, whilst his arms were folded and twisted in his lap. It would’ve made me laugh had I managed to crack a smile in the last week.

I hadn’t, and I wasn’t holding my breath for it to happen any time soon.

I groaned inwardly as my eyes scanned the room, flicking from piles of unwashed dishes, to mounds of crumpled newspapers and take out boxes. I couldn’t help but curse the pair of them as I padded toward the kitchen. If they insisted on staying with me, they could at least pick up after themselves.

I was surprised to see an array of Tupperware containers filled with food when I opened the fridge, but it was soon explained as I let the door close and my eyes fell upon the note scribbled in my Mothers handwriting.

So you don’t starve pet. Hope you’re feeling better

I hadn’t told my mother of what had happened with Verity and I, let alone what she had done. Tom claimed it was because I didn’t want her to think less of Verity; that I still had hope and I didn’t want Mum to hold anything against her. I argued that I was yet to find the words. And after a week of struggling to even admit what had happened aloud, to myself, I was doubting I ever would.

As far as Carol Sykes was concerned, I had a common cold.

“Ye should eat somethin’ Ol” I turned to see my brothers eyes peering over the top of the couch; his hair sticking out at a dozen different angles, his bright blue eyes rimmed with dark purple circles. “Mum came over wi’ a load of lasagne an’ stuff. ‘S put courgettes in it, think she’s getting’ the ‘ang o’ this vegetarian…

“’m not ‘ungry” I mumbled, cutting his rambling short. I watched as he opened his mouth to protest, but my stern glare warned him as I intended and he clamped his lips together before collapsing back onto the couch. I ignored the loud, purposeful sigh as I heard him fall heavily back amongst the cushions, but I couldn’t ignore the muttering under his breath. “D’ye think tha’s wise Tom, all that mumblin’ an’…”

“I don’ think either of us can claim to be wise righ’ now Ol, d’ you?”

I turned back toward the fridge as I felt the corners of my mouth twitching into a sneer and tugged my mothers note from beneath the ‘Welcome to Las Vegas’ magnet I had bought on our first trip there a few months before. Crumpling it into a ball in my fist and chucking it in the general direction of the bin. “D’ye think ye could keep the place a bit tidier if ye insist on stayin’ wi’ me?” I asked, “An’ ye know, maybe one of ye could sleep in Jakes room, instead o’…”

“ ‘s the first time ye’ve come outta ye room in a week Ol, an’ Jakes stuffs still…”

“ ‘e ‘asnt been to pick it up?” I enquired.

“ ‘asnt been near the place. Don’ think ‘e knows what t’ say to ye”

“Sorry ‘d be a start”

“Wha’s ‘e got t’ apologise for Ol? ‘e didn’ know anymore than yeself” I watched him flinch as I felt my nostrils flare and my lips tug back tight across my teeth. “ ‘m just sayin’, ye should…”

“ ‘av ye not realised yet Tom, ye can’t trust a Palmer as far as ye can chuck a Palmer”

“ ‘av ye not realised yet, Ol, that Jakes ye best mate an’ ‘ed never do ‘owt t’urt ye”

“ ‘s not possible Tom, ‘ow would she o’ kept it from ‘im?”

“ ‘ow did she keep it from any of us?” He reasoned, rising slowly to his feet before stretching his arms high above his head with a wide yawn.

“Well she didn’, did she? Curtis were there, ‘olding ‘er hand and god knows what…”

“It weren’t like that Oliver and ye know it” Thomas scolded, his expression surprisingly stern for someone who had awoken just minutes before. “Wouldn’ ye prefer that she ‘ad someone there, isn’ it better that she weren’t on ‘er own when they…”

“I’d rather it were me there…I’d rather Curtis ‘adnt gone four years wi’out fuckin’ tellin’ me that she…” My words trailed as I caught sight of a piece of paper lying in the centre of the island, Visible Noise and Epitaph emblazoned across the top.

“ ‘ow were she supposed t’get ye there? The two of ye weren’t even talkin’. Ye refused t’ even…”

“She cheated on me wi’ that prick” I mumbled, barely paying attention as my fingers skimmed the countertop. “She slept wi’ that…

“No, Ol. He told ye she slept with ’im. She did nothin’ o’ the sort”

I stopped abruptly as a memory of Paris socked me square in the gut and her voice rung startlingly clear; as if she were poised on tiptoes at my side. I didn’t have to close my eyes to see her stood before me and I didn’t have to physically reach out and touch her to spread goose bumps across my skin like wildfire.

“ I couldn’t have gone through with it if there was a slight chance you still loved me” Her entire body was trembling uncontrollably, and sporadic, violent sobs had been ripping through her; head to toe, every thirty seconds or so. “.I needed you to hate me Oliver, I needed you to hate me as much as I hated myself for keeping everything a secret, as much as I hated myself for loving you regardless. That’s why I went along with what Nathan said; you would’ve forgiven me for a kiss. You wouldn’t have stopped speaking to me, you wouldn’t have refused to see me and I’d have had to tell you, I’d have had to admit what I couldn’t even admit to myself. I couldn’t have left you in Sheffield if you’d still loved me, I wouldn’t have made it to the hospital without knowing you despised…

“Sheep brought that back wi’ ‘im last night” Thomas interrupted, nodding toward the piece of paper I was now holding in my hand. I shook my head as to clear my daydream and tried to focus on the words printed neatly across the page. “They need ye to okay it before they can send it t’…”

“We could see that Curtis wasn'tenjoying this band like the other 4 of us were anymore. ‘s nothing personal” I guffawed loudly, my eyes skimming the page. “We wish Curtis all the best in whatever ‘e chooses t’ do in the future….like fuck I do, who wrote this?”

Thomas shrugged nonchalantly and flopped down onto the stool opposite me, resting his elbows on the island and his chin in his upturned palms. His bright blue eyes were fixed unflinchingly on my own hazel orbs and I couldn’t help but wilt under his gaze; something he noticed and something that brought an awkward smile across both of our lips.

“Are ye worried about ‘er?”

My sharp intake of breath filled my lungs with more air than I was used to and a sharp pain shot across my chest and danced across my ribcage.

“An’ don’ give me the ‘s a big girl’ bullshit Ol. Ye know ‘er better than anyone, even if ye don’ think it right…”

“I don’ think it at all Tom” I interjected, “I don’t know ‘owt about Verity Palmer, or what sh’s become at least. I thought I knew ‘er, like I thought I knew Curtis. Ye far too trustin’ Tommy ye…”

“An’ as I know ye better than anyone; includin’ y’self, I know ye’ve not slept since we got ‘ome from Paris for more than a coupla hours. I know ye’ve been ringin’ her phone constantly even though ye saw Sam ‘ad it at the airport” I winced as he continued on, my eyebrow raised a little; enquiring as to how he knew this. “Nicholls got a big mouth” He shrugged nonchalantly.

“I ‘avent rang ‘er that much, I jus’…She might be wi’ Sam”

“The fact that ye ringin’ at all shows ye care, an’ Ol, ye know ‘s not with Sam. Ye’ve spoken to Sam. Poor girls been ‘ounded by ye ringing ‘er constantly”

“ ‘m not houndin’ ‘er Thomas, ‘m…”

“Ye tryin’ t’ find Verity” He nodded matter of factly. “Ye tryin’ t’ find Verity an’ ye should be”

I clamped my lips shut suddenly and let his words slowly sink in.

I disagreed.

My mind was screaming in protest. It was the first time someone had called me out on trying to find her, it was the first time I'd realised I should be doing nothing of the sort.

We’d not spoken since she’d edged into my room and swiftly back out again at my proposition of ‘fucking off’,I hadn't seen her since she'd stormed; like a raging hurricane from side stage, after I'd dedicated Braille to my 'Scarlet Harlot' with a less than subtle nod in her direction. I'd watched her cheeks flush to the exact deep red of her dress and as I turned my back to the crowd; the first line spilling effortlessly from between my trembling lips, I watched her turn her back on me from the corner of my eye.

"She don' wanna be found Tom' I mumbled, striding swiftly back across the kitchen and toward the hall; rolling my eyes as he dove in front of me, holding his arms to each wall, blocking my escape to my bedroom. "An' 've forgotten why I were even lookin'"

My brother took a deep, laboured breath and looked me straight in the eye, his teeth chomping down a little on the left corner of his bottom lip."If ye admit ye worried Ol, I can tell ye where she is"

My expression grew more than quizical and I watched him cower a little under my strong gaze as I stepped forward. My arms folded sternly across my chest and my feet planted steadily on the floor. Samanthas prompt to ask my brother what she'd been referring to, had been doing relentless laps around my head since the words had escaped her lip, and as of yet I was still waiting to question him. I hadn't known where to start, I was still a little shocked as to how close he and Verity appeared to be.

"'m worried beyond all belief Thomas" I reasoned slowly, picking my words carefully as he looked up at me with hope dancing in his worn baby blues. "But 've got no desire t' know where she is"

His expression fell dramatically, and his mouth opened and closed more than a dozen times without any words leaving the tip of his tongue. The way he shook his head confirmed his utter disbelief, the way his fists were twitching at his sides confessed his absolute dismay at me.

"tell 'er she doesn' 'av t' ide no more 'cause no ones tryin' t' find 'er"

Thomas fidgeted awkwardly, switching his weight from one foot to the other in a hopping motion and moving his eyes from mine to the floor. "We're still doin' Taste o' Chaos right?
We're still goin' t'merica?"

"I told 'er in the car, said t' take 'er back t' the airport" Jake mumbled, running a hand underneath his navy beanie as an uneasy smile creased across his lips. " 's got a round trip so don' push it Ol, or she'll be gone again"