If I Only Had the Heart

Kylie whipped into Alex and Rian’s driveway and pulled up behind Kara’s little silver car. She hurried out of the Jeep and up the paved drive, onto the porch, and into the house. “Hello?” she called out, hoping somebody was there. She needed someone to talk to, someone she could vent all her emotions to.

“Kylie?” It was Alex and it sounded like he was in the kitchen. She followed his voice and found him leaning against the island with his laptop out in front of him.

“Hey,” she said quietly, walking over to him. She took a seat on one of the stools that surrounded the island and laid her arms on the granite countertop.

“Why are you back so soon? I thought dress shopping took forever?”

“It does; I was just there for a fitting.” Alex nodded and went back to paying attention to whatever it was he was doing on his laptop. She rolled her eyes at his inattentiveness and declared, “I’m taking a shower,” to which Alex just nodded.

She stood and made her way to the unoccupied bathroom. She stripped and grabbed a plushy towel from the cabinet in the bathroom and then climbed in the shower, turning the water on and making it very hot. She stood directly under the stream of hot water, letting steam rise around her, as she thought about the events of the day.

First Matt popped in her head, and then the trampy brunette who wasn’t trampy at all, and then the studio, and then Alex and the guys, and then Jordan, and then Audrey’s wedding, and then the dance she shared with Matt; soon, her head was so full of random shit that she couldn’t handle it. She opened her eyes quickly and got out of the shower. She felt like she was suffocating and she was freaking out. She toweled her body dry and wrapped the white fabric around herself. She walked over to the mirror and wiped a small area clean of steam so she could see herself clearly.

She smiled. “Am I happy?” she asked her reflection.

The smile disappeared and she shook her head from side to side slowly.

She sighed. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

Walking out of the bathroom, Kylie tried to disguise her dismal mood by humming a happy tune. She hurried into the guest room and changed into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt she had brought with her as sleep wear. “Thank God I’ll be back in the hotel tomorrow,” she said to herself quietly as she grabbed her iPod.

After she was dressed, she walked out into the living room where Rian, Kara, and Alex were all sitting in various spots watching a movie. Kylie smiled and said hi to Kara and then took a seat on the empty couch. “Where’s your girl, Alex?”

“She’s working, trying to get things finished up before the wedding so she can have a free weekend.”

Kylie nodded. The four of them turned their attention back to the movie. Kylie tried to turn her thoughts off; she didn’t want to think anymore but it just wasn’t working.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang quickly and then the door opened. “Guys?” the person called out. “Anyone here?”

“Living room,” Alex called back, sending a nervous glance Kylie’s way. A nervous glance that was laced with I had everything to do with what is about to happen, so don’t hate me for it. Kylie knew who was coming before Alex even gave her that look. She knew by his voice.

“Oh, hey Kylie,” he said awkwardly. “I thought you were tired?” His voice quickly changed to amused, as if he caught her in a lie.

She narrowed her eyes as she looked at him. “I was which is why I am relaxing here on the couch, trying to have a stress-free evening.”

He nodded but said nothing more. “Have a seat dude, we’re going to order pizza in a little bit,” Rian offered.

“Sure, okay,” Matt said, taking the only available seat next to Kylie.

Instantly, her body language changed from nice and relaxed to tense and nervous. She didn’t want to fight with him; those were never her intentions but sometimes it happened. She just wanted to sit and enjoy the evening with the guys.

“I’m going to order the pizza,” Kara said suddenly. “Suggestions?”

Everyone mumbled their suggestion, making Kara roll her eyes. “Fine, I’ll choose. Hope you guys like anchovies!” She skipped off before anyone could protest.

“Kara!” Rian exclaimed, running after her, laughing the whole way.

Kylie chuckled to herself, causing Matt to glance at her. He smiled as she chuckled to herself. She was loosening up, and he could tell. He wanted her guard to come down completely, much like it had when the two of them were trying on their respective outfits at the bridal shop, but before Jade had showed up. He wasn’t an idiot… he could sense the change in her demeanor once Jade had popped into the store. He felt bad; he just wanted his fun, loving Kylie back. Not the new, guarded Kylie.

Of course, she caught him staring at her. He had been looking for too long for her to not catch him. She blushed that perfect blush that drove him crazy and turned her head back to the front, focused on the movie.

Just like that, her guard had been put back up. He sighed. The sudden noise caused her to look at him. He seemed… normal, as if he would never hurt her and never try to. He seemed like the boy she had fallen in love with, the one who promised to never leave her. The thought made her want to cry; either cry or hug him tightly and never let go so he couldn’t leave her.

Suddenly, she became bold. She relaxed into the couch and scooted closer to Matt. Not by much, but just enough so that he could notice what she was doing. She wasn’t sure why she did it or why she had this sudden urge – no, need—to do something, but she did.
Matt could feel her closer to him. He wanted to reach out and touch her, hug her… something. He wanted to feel her again. Quickly, Matt glanced over at Alex to see he had fallen into a deep sleep. He chuckled at this; Alex wasn’t one for staying awake when a movie wasn’t entertaining him. Clearly, Elf which Kara picked out, wasn’t cutting it for him.
Then he glanced at Kylie again, whose eyes were slowly fluttering closed. She really had been exhausted all day and now that no one was talking, she was ready to fall asleep. And once she decided that, it didn’t take much for her to zonk out.

Matt decided to take a chance. Nonchalantly, of course, he raised his arm and rested it on the couch behind her head. She was too tired to even notice or complain, though. He smiled in victory when she didn’t protest or make him move.

He went back to paying attention to the movie. He could hear her rhythmic breathing as she slept quietly next to him. He wanted to hug her, to stroke her hair as she slept, just like he used to. Just like he did that night he had to leave her. It stung him thinking about it, so he pushed the thought out of his mind. Now, though, his mind was stuck on her and only her.

He was absorbed in his own thoughts so he didn’t even notice when Kylie snuggled up on her side, facing Matt. He wasn’t aware that she was so close to him, but when he moved his arm slightly, he brushed against her. He looked down at the sudden touch of skin against skin and he smiled. She was curled up on her side, resting against the back of the couch. It was probably one of the most uncomfortable positions she would ever sleep in, but she looked so peaceful that Matt couldn’t bear to disturb her.

Without thinking, he reached out and lightly brushed a piece of hair out of her eyes. She smiled in her sleep at the sudden contact and snuggled closer to him, resting her head on his chest. He felt her damp hair starting to make his shirt a little wet, he felt her chest rise and fall; he could even feel her breath hit his neck slightly. In a daze, her smiled and lowered his head and allowed his lips to lightly graze the top of her head. This caused her to snuggle closer to him, this time wrapping her arm around his waist.

Of course, some higher power had to stop this perfect moment the two were having, even if half of the pair didn’t even know it was happening. At that moment, Kara and Rian returned, laughing. Kara said, “Pizza should be here soon,” and as if a spell had been broken Kylie woke up.

First, she looked at who her arms were currently wrapped around. She pulled back, still drowsy from just waking up. She squinted her eyes at the body she was wrapped up in and then lifted her head to see who this mysterious body belonged to. Her eyes widened. She pulled back so fast she almost fell onto the floor.

Matt braced himself for the fight that was about to take place.

He waited.

He waited.

And he waited some more.

But it never came. Kylie looked around. Rian and Kara were staring at the two of them and Alex was asleep. Matt was watching her intently, waiting for her reaction.

Instead of yelling, she left the room. She was so freaked out; her mind was working double-time trying to think if she had dreamt of saying anything that involved Matt that she might have said out loud. She wracked her brain trying to think, but she came up empty. She walked into the kitchen and leaned against the counter, trying to get her bearings.

Matt, of course, had followed her. “It’s natural to gravitate towards a body that’s close to you when your sleeping. Don’t think anything of it, Ky.” He had read her mind, again. But two could play that game and she knew he was bullshitting her.

She turned to face him. “You don’t have to make shit up to try an comfort me, Matt. I’m a big girl. I know there’s a logical reason as to why I snuggled up to you on the couch… I just haven’t thought of it yet,” she admitted, shrugging.

“It doesn’t bother you.”

“Does what bother me?”

Matt walked closer to her and took a seat on the bar stool that sat next to her. He turned so he was facing her and she did the same, taking a seat opposite him. “Does it bother you that you were in that position and I didn’t wake you up or move you or anything?”

She shrugged and crossed her arms over her chest, choosing not to look him in the eye. She did that a lot these days. “Yeah, kind of,” she answered truthfully.

“Were you pissed off at the bridal shop because Jade showed up?” he asked suddenly, trying to get as many answers out of her as he could now while she was being calm and truthful with him.

“No, I was pissed at you because you didn’t tell me you had a date to the wedding.”

He nodded. That was understandable, and she was even looking him right in the eye as she said it so she had to be telling the truth. He decided to chance his luck and ask her one more question. “Do you wish I had asked you to be my date to the wedding?”

Truthful, I have to be truthful. “At first, yes,” she told him, but then stopped. “No, that’s not true. When we danced at Audrey’s party I wished you had asked me right then to be your date. But now, I know it wouldn’t have ended well and Audrey deserves to have a stress free day. So no, I’m glad you asked Jade to the wedding. She seems nice.”

Matt would be lying if he said that was what he wanted to hear. But, Kylie was being mature and talking to him, so he decided to do the same. “She is nice, you’d like her.”

Kylie just nodded. “I’m tired,” she said suddenly. “I’m going to go lay down. See you later,” she told him, then stood up and left the room.

Matt thought they had just made a little progress, but then again, every time they took one step forward, they took two steps back. He was afraid to find out what those inevitable two steps would be.