If I Only Had the Heart

Her bags were packed. She was checked out of the hotel. She had already said her goodbyes to the one’s she cared about. Now all she needed to do was board the plane, something relatively easy, and yet completely and totally unnerving.

She sat at a Starbuck’s in the airport, waiting for her flight to get called. Her posture was unusually perfect, rigid almost; it was a habit she had ever since she was little. When she became nervous, her posture and manners became impeccable.

Sighing, she took a sip of her black tea with only a little cream and some sugar added. She checked her phone once more, hoping she had no new calls or texts. Luckily there was nothing. She decided to turn it off; it would be no use to her until she was on the plan and she could set it to airplane mode, anyways. And plus, it was only causing her nerves to frazzle, as if he was going to text her and ask her where she was and why wasn’t she in the studio today?

“It’s a Sunday,” she mumbled to herself, taking another sip of her only source of energy. Of course he wouldn’t wonder. It was a Sunday, and no one recorded on weekends. Breathe, she reminded herself. She wasn’t doing anything illegal, she wasn’t running away. She was just going back where she belonged, something everyone knew she had to do eventually.

***

Matt stirred from his restful sleep. He looked around, in a daze, and suddenly jumped out of bed. “The studio,” he muttered to himself. Surely, he was late. Kylie was probably already there, counting down the minutes until she could officially mock him for being late.

Kylie, he thought to himself, smiling as he pulled on a pair of jeans over his boxers. He grabbed a black t-shirt off his dresser and slipped it on. He needed to hurry or else he was sure he would be late.

He grabbed his phone quickly and checked the time. “What the fuck?” he said to himself.
It was Sunday. It was also not even nine o’clock, but the time didn’t matter. It was Sunday meaning he had no where to be.

Suddenly, he was hit with several realizations. Last night was Audrey’s wedding. He had gotten smashed, as expected, and didn’t see much of Kylie. He had promised himself he would go to her hotel in the morning because he had some things to tell her. “Well, it’s morning.” He said out loud to no one in particular. He looked around his room and realized he was not in New Jersey. “Jesus Christ,” he muttered. He was obviously still half asleep since he didn’t even realize he was at his own home in Baltimore.

Suddenly, he realized Kylie was staying at Alex’s until they all went back to New Jersey later that day. He smiled and grabbed his keys off his dresser.

He may not have gotten the chance at the wedding to say to Kylie what he had wanted to say for weeks now, but now was his chance. He either had to do it now or never and he’d be damned if he didn’t ever tell her what he had been thinking and feeling lately.

He ran out the front door, determined to get to Alex and Rian’s place as soon as possible.

***

He took his time getting to the front door; he didn’t want to seem eager, he just wanted to tell her how he felt. He knocked on the big black door and waited. A few minutes later and Rian answered. “Hey man, what are you doing here?”

Matt smirked and pushed by. “I’m here to see Kylie. I have to tell her something.”

“Uhm, that might be a little difficult…” Rian trailed off. He did not want to be in this position.

“Why? Look, she probably doesn’t want to talk to me especially this early but I have to tell her something.”

Rian rubbed the back of his neck, growing increasingly uncomfortable. “Look, dude, she’s not here.”

Matt stopped and turned around to face his friend. “What do you mean? Where is she?”

“She, uh. She left. For the airport. Around a half hour ago.”

Matt stopped. She couldn’t have just left, she wouldn’t do that. As angry as she was when Matt had just packed up and left, she would never do that. Not without warning him first. He thought they had at least become acquaintances. And acquaintances told each other simple things like when they were leaving and not coming back. Suddenly, Matt was angry. “Why didn’t anyone tell me she was leaving?”

“Look Matt, she asked all of us not to say anything. She didn’t want you to know and we respected that. Plus, we all knew she’d have to go back sooner or later.”

Matt didn’t bother answering. Instead he turned on his heel and left. He didn’t want to listen to his friends’ voices of reason. He just wanted out of there.

Now that Kylie was gone for good, or so it seemed, he had no choice but to let her go, to move on. Right?

***

Flight 843 to Los Angeles, departing from gate G, is now boarding. Flight 843 to Los Angeles, departing from gate G, is now boarding. Thank you.

Kylie picked up her only carry-on bag and headed towards the gate that would take her back to her life where things were slightly more normal. She handed over her ticket to the attendant who smiled and told her to have a nice flight. She smiled and nodded back. After finding her seat, which luckily was a window seat, and after stowing away her carry-on, she sat down and pulled out her iPod. She picked shuffle after having a hard time choosing a song and then laid her head on the headrest.

After the flight attendants came on and went through the various procedures, after everyone buckled up and the plane took off, and once it was finally okay to turn your phone on, Kylie checked her messages once more. Her heart jumped slightly when she saw she had one missed call and one text. She checked the text first when she saw it was from Matt. She read it and then read it again, tears pricking at the corner of her eyes.

Ky— Wish you would have told me you were leaving. I had some stuff to say to you. But, whatever. I guess we finally have to move on with our lives, don’t we? Tell Squire we all said hey, and I guess I’ll talk to you later. –Matt

She sighed and wanted to scream. “Now he wants me to tell him my every move and to act like he cares,” she muttered to herself. She shut her phone back off and decided to get some rest for the ride back to California.

***

“Squire!” she called out as she walked into the Los Angeles studio that Squire told her to meet him at Monday morning. She was so excited to be back in a studio with a producer she knew well enough. She searched the premises for the producer and finally found him in the control room.

He smiled at her. “Glad to have you back, Blondie. It’s been lonely around her without you.”

She smiled and hugged him, then turned around and noticed the band sitting in various places and the guy in the voice booth, clearly trying to warm up to record some vocals. “Hey guys!” she said, waving. “I’m surprised you’re still here.”

“Not for long,” Nick said, walking out of the vocal booth. “We’re finishing up, actually.”

She nodded and then Kylie took a seat next to Squire and dove right in helping him out with Nick’s vocal part. She sighed in content and leaned back in her chair. It felt good being back; she decided right then that she was going to get back in a normal routine. Boys would not be a part of that routine. They complicated things too much and quite frankly, heartbreak didn’t look good on her.