If I Only Had the Heart

Kylie had gotten a text from Alex telling her Bendeth said she could come in an hour or so late today. They were still in the early stages, so she wasn’t needed for too much. She was grateful for the extra hour of sleep she was allowed due to this. She rolled out of bed at around nine and got in the shower, taking some extra time to wake herself up. By the time she got out, got dressed, and got ready, it was quarter to ten. She had to be at the studio by ten thirty. It took thirty minutes to get to the studio. She walked out the door with her purse and phone in hand smiling, proud to be out the door early.

When she got to the studio, there was an extra car in the mini parking lot. She wondered who it was, but ignored it, assuming it was Bendeth’s or something. She walked inside, yelling out a hello as she did so that her presence would be known.

From inside, Matt was sitting in the control room with Bendeth. Kylie’s faint “hello” was heard, and Matt almost broke his neck looking up from his computer. “Who was that?” he asked Bendeth, confused.

“Oh, probably just Kylie.”

Matt’s face paled instantly.

The door to the control room opened, and in it stood Kylie. “Hey, thanks for letting me come in late. I needed the extra sleep,” she joked, not having seen Matt yet. As she walked farther into the room, she noticed him, sitting there like a deer in the headlights.

She stopped, and Bendeth decided to introduce the two. “Ky, this is Matt. He’s the TM for these clowns,” he told her.

She nodded and gulped. “Yeah, I know. We’ve… met.”

Bendeth nodded. “Good deal. I’ll be right back. Have to go get Zack. Got to lay down some bass.”

Kylie tried to stop the producer, wanting to offer to get Zack for him, but he left the room before she could. She turned around to face Matt and glared at him. “If we have to be in the same room together for the next God only knows how long, then fine. I’ll suck it up because it’s my job. But do not talk to me unless you absolutely have to. This is going to be nothing but professional.” She then turned and left the room, the tears burning the back of her eyes and threatening to spill over.

Rian stopped her as soon as she walked out of the control room and into the little lounge area. “Ky?” he asked, wondering why she was crying.

She sniffled and shook her head. “What?”

“Why are you crying?”

“I have to spend the next God only knows how long with the guy I was in love with, but who just left me. Can you blame me for shedding a few tears?”

Rian walked over and hugged her. She let a few more tears fall and wet his black t-shirt before she pulled back. “I’m fine,” she said, her voice cracking from crying. “I just need to wrap my mind around this.”

The drummer nodded sadly. “I know it sucks, Ky, but you’re a lot stronger than you let on. Okay?”

The blonde shrugged. Under normal circumstances, she would have believed him. But at this point in time, with her ex only one room away and while she was at her most vulnerable point, she wasn’t sure if what he said was true. Kylie didn’t know how long it was going to be before she completely reached her breaking point.

***

After the blonde calmed down thanks to Rian comforting her, she went back into the control room where David was hanging with Matt and some of the guys while Alex did some vocals. “Sing that part again, Alex. It sounded kind of funny.”

The singer nodded from his spot in the vocal booth, happy to do as the producer asked. Kylie went over and took a seat next to David and asked him what they were working on. “It’s a work in progress. Alex was thinking of going with ‘Walls’ for a title.”

Kylie nodded and listened as Alex sang.

Hey there, it's good to see you again.
It never felt right calling this "just friends."
I'm happy if you're happy with yourself.
Take off your shirt, your shoes, those skinny jeans I bought for you.
We're diving in; there's nothing to lose.

I'm gonna break down these walls I built around myself.
I wanna fall so in love with you, and no one else will ever mean
half as much to me as you do now.
Together we'll move on, just don't turn around.
Let the walls break down.

As Kylie listened to Alex sing the first verse and the chorus, in her mind she couldn’t help but think this song was written about her and Matt. Or at least, what she wished was her and Matt. Why couldn’t he just fall in love with her? Why did he have walls built up, very much like she did when she first met the boy. It was like the song was what she wished the after-life of their break up would be.

In her mind, she wanted Matt to admit he still loved her. She wanted him to love her half as much as she loved him. She just wanted him again. She missed him. She missed being with him. She would never ever admit that to anyone, though; she was stronger than that. She could be independent. She didn’t need a guy to make herself happy.

It was a lot easier convincing everyone around her that she didn’t need Matt; convincing herself was a whole other story.

When Alex came out of the vocal booth, he was smiling. “What did you think?” he said to Kylie.

She nodded. “I really liked it. Lyrics were good.”

He smirked. He knew something she didn’t obviously, but she didn’t think she wanted to know what that something was. “You’re smirking Gaskarth; under normal circumstances, I’d ask why. Right now? I don’t want to know.”

Alex just shrugged. “Whatever, Ky. You’re life, not mine.”

Kylie rolled her eyes at his cryptic-ness and decided to go get a water bottle. She was tired, emotionally exhausted, and she needed a drink. There was a small fridge sitting out in the “lounge” area, so she opened it and grabbed a bottle, twisting the cap off and taking a drink. Of course, as luck would have it, Matt came in.

He had been on the phone outside talking to his sister who was still bugging him about Kylie when he heard someone open the fridge. He thought it might have been one of the guys, so he went in wanting to talk to them about what his sister had said. Of course, with his luck, it was Kylie. “Oh, hey,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

She nodded hello in his direction and then turned to go back into the control room. “Kylie, wait,” he said.

She stopped and turned to face him, one eyebrow raised. She was curious as to what he wanted, but also wanted out of this awkward situation that was her life.

“We need to talk.”

She rolled her eyes and laughed cynically. “No, we don’t. There’s nothing to talk about Matt. Nothing I want to talk about, anyways.” She turned around again, but was stopped by the next thing that Matt said.

“Being just friends obviously doesn’t feel right, but are you happy?”

The words he had spoken were almost identical to those sang in the song Alex was working on currently. She wanted to be confused and mad, but she wasn’t. She was just confused. “What did you say?” she said to him.

“I mean, I know we can’t be just friends, but I really just want to make sure you’re happy. I didn’t want to hurt you Kylie. That was never—“

Kylie cut him off. Now she was mad. “You didn’t want to hurt me? That’s rich, Matt. Go jump off a cliff; that won’t hurt me in the least.” Then she stormed off, leaving him in her wake.

***