Paperbag

“I’ve never felt anything so beautiful. Can you feel them? Can you feel the stars? I can feel them. I can‘t see them though. I need to see them, Brendon. When will you understand?” Stars are a beautiful thing. My stars are most beautiful though.

Brendon kisses my bare chest and slowly makes his way up to my face. He comes closer to kiss my lips, but moves to kiss my forehead instead. He won’t kiss my lips until my stars go away. I don’t understand that though. Doesn’t he see how beautiful my stars are? He calls them bones. I don’t have bones. I have millions of little stars that hold my paper skin to my cold body.

There are no such things as bones for me.

“I don‘t know what you are on about. Are you talking about your bones again? Stars and bones are two different things. You can see stars if you walk outside. You don‘t need to see your bones in order to see the stars. It‘s all in your head, Ryan.” Brendon patted my forehead, trying to turn everything into a joke.

“That might be true, but so is everything else.” I don’t quite think he understood. No, he doesn’t understand. He’ll understand when he finally sees my stars, or his ‘bones.’

Brendon sighed and turned on his side. He nuzzled his face into the pillow to finalize the conversation. He was going to sleep and that was it. I continued to stare out the blank widow across from our bed. No pretty sights or beautiful things that could be compared to the situation. Just a blank window and a few shiny things in the sky was all I could see. None held any meaning towards me. Nothing means anything to me but my stars and my Brendon. “Sometimes, Ryan, sometimes I just don’t want to deal with you and whatever your fucking stars are.” He lifted his head- the conversation wasn’t over.

That one hurt deep, darling. My stars are everything to me. Can’t you see that, Brendon? If I can’t have you, I have to have my stars. Once I have my stars, then you’ll come to me. You’ll see how beautiful I am. You won’t be able to resist me.

No one can resist the stars.

If only this paper bag of skin and fat didn’t hide them. No one loves someone wearing a paper bag. That’s all I am. That’s why you don’t love me. I’m an empty paper bag to him. I’m not filled with stars and pixie dust.

“I want him so bad.” I didn’t mean to whisper it aloud. Sometimes, paper bags blow in the wind and make noises that they don’t mean to.

“What was that? Who do you want? I’m pretty sure I’m your boyfriend.” Brendon immediately turned around. He stared at me. He didn’t stare deeply in my eyes, or hold my hand. He stared at my bare chest and scrutinized it.

“I want the stars.” My body shivered; not from the cold, but from the little tears that would be coming soon.

“Stars, boys, and bones- what is with you? I can’t deal with you right now!” Brendon flipped the sheets off his legs. He’s not a walking paper bag like I am. He’s built by stars and shaded with silk. He’s beautiful.

He slid his feet over the bed and attempted to get up. He wasn’t expecting to find me clutching onto his shirt. I don’t understand how even I managed to keep my grip. My whole body was shaking- but no tears yet. Brendon’s face was a twist. 2 cups of anger, three pinches of sadness, one spoon full of pixie dust, and one-half of hopelessness creates one leaving star.

“Ryan, let go of me. Fuck, I can’t deal with you like this every night. You’re such a child. I love you, Ryan. But you need to deal with whatever is messing you up. You’re a little boy. I pray on the real stars for you. Not your fake stars. I pray and hope on those stars for you.”

“I am made of real stars! How could you say that? I am made of stars. Come over here, you can feel every star. Run your fingers over my chest. You can count the stars! You can’t see them yet, but they are there. Feel my stars! Oh please, this hurts, please! Brendon, understand please, I want them so bad.” I let go of his soft shirt and he climbed out of the bed and went to the nearby dresser. He roughly pulled me out of bed and threw a shirt at me.

“Come with me. You want to see your fucking stars? We’ll see your fucking stars.” Brendon was angry and I was a mess. Will I really see my stars? How can he make them appear so quickly? This takes lots of work.

Days of cycles and rules; all for my stars.
Days of counting and endless trips to the bathroom; all for my stars.
Days of hiding and faking while smiling and laugh; all for my beautiful stars.

How can he make them appear so quickly?

We walked through the snoring household. Jon and Spencer slept silently in the room they were sharing. We passed a few drunken sleepers on the couch before leaving through the front door. Brendon was walking so fast that he didn’t bother to shut the door. He just let it slam behind him, not bothering if he woke up one of the sleeping drunks.

We passed the cars and the mailbox. Then we crossed the barren street and felt our feet on softer ground. Brendon continued to drag me across the tiny patch of meadow. A frown was permanently engraved into his face along with stress lines on his forehead. He wasn’t looking like one of my stars now. He was looking like a paper bag falling from the sky. He was looking like something ugly; something like me.

As we got to the middle of the field where the grass wasn’t as green and the trees were dead, Brendon let go of my hand and pushed me on my face.

I looked up at him, expecting him to do something like hurt me. He wasn’t a star anymore. I didn’t see the silk. All I saw was a paper bag covering what once was a star. I saw myself.

“Look up, Ryan. Those are your damn stars! The stars are in the sky, they are not on your body! What you see are bones. Ugly, disgusting, and prickly bones. You need to fix yourself now or get help. When you decide to send your ‘stars’ back to the sky, come inside. Until then, stay here. I don’t care what you do; just give me back my Ryan.”

I quickly grabbed onto his pant leg, but he kicked it off and left. I sat on the ground with my legs crossed staring at the sky. I looked back at the walking away paper bag, and the paper bag looked at me. He closed his eyes for a second and opened them again. Then he continued on his way back to the house.

“Please don’t leave me just yet. You need to understand” My crumpled paper bag reached the door and walked inside. He didn’t shine so bright like a star any more, no, I’m the shining star. I understand the most important rule. A rule he’ll never understand:

“Hunger hurts, but starving works when it costs too much to love.”