Don't Blame Me for Being Me

I was speaking with Andrei for very much time. We chatted about our separate lifes of these passed two years, about our common friends and just about everything. It felt so good to hear him again, to realize we were speaking. As that short call (though we were talking almost an hour) didn’t satisfy us and our curiosity, we decided to meet somehow. Anyway. I’ll see him. It was so cool he called. Just wow. I didn’t expect. He didn’t too. We were so glad and enjoyed to talk again. Two years…it’s so much fucking time…
Oh, the main thing about him. He plays KVN. What’s it KVN? I’ll try to explain. Young people organize teams and play. Essence of this game is that the game is funny. It needs to joke there. To joke in form of contest (kind of very friendly competition). KVN is also a club. It consists of a big number of regional leagues. The main one is The Highest League in Moscow. It’s the object of dreams of all players. KVN has its own president. It’s the man who heads the Moscow league. He does it for above 20 years not changing this place. Teams are rated by jury, which consists of famous and recognizable people. The game divides into some stages: 1/8 of final, quarterfinal, semifinal and, of course, final. Team who wins final of the highest league becomes the champion of KVN but doesn’t take part in the next season. An average season lasts for about a year. The highest league is showed on TV, on some Russian channel. Other ones are showed too but on regional level. So Andrei and his team play successfully there, in Moscow. And we had met there, after some game I’d came to watch. Technically we were dating also in Moscow during that time he had been there with his team or alone. We had lived in different cities then, six hours of going by airplane from each other. So one summer (one and half month of it) we’d spent in Jurmala, Latvia where musical KVN contest had been held. It was wonderful. There were sand of coast of Baltic Sea, parties with other teams, sunsets and dawnings with him, KVN jokes, music and fun. At all our relationship had been amazing even notwithstanding our rare and not so long as we‘d wanted meetings. But the love was real and truly. When I’d told him about my removal in London, we both had understood we wouldn’t have been able to continue. To continue to be together. Our relationships were going through long distances and without London. We just had realized it and stayed good friends as I told already. How Andrei looks? Gorgeous, always. Very tall. Wide shoulders. Interesting hair cut. Light red hair. You can think it’s dyed, but it’s natural. He has light, grey eyes I’d loved so much. Probably that’s all I can say after hearing his voice again…
So why was I telling all of this? Andrei invited me and whoever else I’d take with me to the game, which would be in three days. Rehearsals and all preparations go the whole hog. So he was beckoning me as much as he could and I agreed. For me and for Bren. Yeah, I decided he’d come with me. In that moment I didn’t think Bren would be able to like and understand the game. I mean it would be not so funny for him as for others and me. The game’s into Russian of course. So Andrei and me agreed to call again. I gave him my phone number and we said byes.
I moved down from the stove with a happy face. I was excited to meet Andrei after so much time. All people were in the lounge. I got into it.
“I think, we’ll leave tomorrow”, I exclaimed. I decided so ‘cause I wanted to be at rehearsals before the game and have a time to spend with boys, Andrei’s teammates and “colleagues”.
People in the lounge expressed miscellaneous emotions. Somebody became upset, somebody resisted and Ross BEGAN SPEAKING (just imagine).
“Well, let’s go packing”, he said to Dasha.
Dasha burst laughing loudly and was muttering, “Oh, did he really begin speaking? I can’t believe it was happened”.
“Very funny”, Ryan said and went away to pack his case.
And Dasha kept laughing.
So till the evening everybody was gathering running in and out the rooms seeking his own stuffs.
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Almost the whole night I was talking to Bren about KVN, about how much I obsess with it, how much I wanna be at the game, to see and meet old friends and acquaintances. To my surprise Bren didn’t torture me by questions about Andrei. And I just said he’s my friend. Nothing else. No facts about our past (I’m not the enemy to myself). And it was enough for Bren. I was surprised ‘cause formerly with such my words endless and unnecessary fight began between us. We have spent this time in Belarus not in vain. I must confess the perspective to go in Moscow didn’t gladden him. In the middle of my fast and excited speech he fell asleep. When I saw he didn’t hear or listen to me I turned off a lamp and tried to fall asleep too.
“Bren’s a pig. I was speaking and he was sleeping. Selfish pig. But he’ll come with me in Moscow. Oh my goodness how much I wanna see Andrei”, I thought.
As soon as I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, memories about Andrei and me appeared in front of me forcing me to smile reminiscing.
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Alarm clock rang. Bren and me got up having our own thoughts in our own minds.
It was completely usual morning except for that fact we had our gathering.
In order to get into Minsk we should go there by train. So my dad came us to the nearest train station. We had a long and hearty farewell scene. Bren was squeezing and shaking my dad’s hand for a long time. But nobody could save my dad. Bren was talking that if there was no his business he’d have stayed here, in Belarus with my daddy. He promised he would chop firewood, wash sheets, cook dinners and shovel a snow in the yard. We all laughed at his dreams, dad sent us off a little and drove away. We bought tickets and expect for our train. As soon as we took seats and established ourselves, I began bothering Bren with chats about Moscow again. It was sort of that he agreed to go. Just sort of. It was enough for me.
Dasha and Ryan spoke with each other without a great pleasure. Spence slept ‘cause he considered we’d woken him very early. Jon began seeking a food (sandwiches Dasha and me have made in the morning).
So we were going, talking and listening to songs of beggars which were going through wagons asking for money. Boys were laughing at names of stations we were passing by. Jerks. Ryan said he had ideas about new songs. Dasha and me asked if there will be some one about the pig. After we got nothing to do we watched again all pics and videos we took in the village. More attentively we watched the video with Spence and Jon. Spence scowled and puffed expressing such a way his reluctance about that we watch this short movie. I even can’t define a genre of it. Jon has already calmed down about this thing. He got used to. That’s why then he laughed and replied all of our dirty and tricky questions.
After getting into Minsk we caught two taxi to go to the airport.
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Flight to LA scheduled to be in two hours. As Bren and me were going to go to Moscow, tickets to LA were bought by the rest of guys. I didn’t wanna travel farther with all of my bags and cases. So I decided to give them Dasha. I thought boys would help her to bring it in our house. I didn’t know what Bren was thinking. He didn’t spoke all the way. We registered our luggage. I ran to Bren.
“Let’s go and buy tickets”, I pulled him into needed direction.
“Wait, we need to talk”, he said and led me aside. “Ira, I’ll be honest. I can go with you. But I have no the least wish to do it”.
“Why? What I can do to make you wish?” I asked being so nice. Why I didn’t care what he wanted? He did said he could go.
“Nothing. I just don’t want and understand why we should go”, he looked away.
“So what’s about not to sleep when I explain? My friend invited us. It’s so difficult to go with me? It’s difficult?” I asked with a little irritation.
“No, just my work, your university…it’s enough adventures”, he replied.
“Bren, c’mon! We have some days else. They will change nothing. Nothing will be happened if we spend one day in Moscow”, I tried to convince him to go.
He looked at me so as if I insulted him.
“You promised, Bren”, I reminded.
“Just for that you let me sleep”, he said with a serious tone.
“You’re stinker”, I said. “You understand it’s important for me to go there?”
“That guy is just your friend?” he asked about Andrei.
“I thought we went through it, Bren. I thought it was in past and we wouldn’t come back to it. You begin your jealousy scene? You begin this fucking record again?” I said worrying he started his jealous scene again.
“I begin nothing. It’s difficult to say yes or no?”
“I talk about him for two days. And I don’t wanna repeat to you personally again”, I said almost with unreasonable anger.
“Ok, I believe you”, he surrendered.
“And I don’t care”, I snapped.
“And you always don’t care”, he said.
“Are you tired from you own care?” I asked with irony.
“You don’t imagine how much”, he said not so loud.
“Well, so I’m tired from that you want to know the whole truth about me! I tell you what I think it can be told. I tell what I want. And don’t nag at it! I have the right to leave something for me?”
“Leave! But you usually hide that is my business too. How do you think I feel?”
“I don’t know. But now it’s not that case. This guy isn’t your business. He’s MY friend. That’s all”, I said firmly but I memorized his words about “business”.
“but you do want me to go with you? So I need to know something about him. We’ll meet him there, yeah? So tell me how you both had met, how long you’re friends, what a person he is”, he said looking straight at me.
“he’s amazing”, it was all I could tell then being in a light shock from Brendon’s behavior.
“very wide answer”, he smirked.
“the rest of it is not your business. At all I think I just guess you won’t like there probably”, I said. “May be”.
“What a surprise? Really? That guy is the most likable thing there, yeah? Sure I won’t-“
“Stop it, Bren. I meant to say it’s pointless for you to be at the game. You’ll understand nothing. We all there will speak into Russian, as you can guess”, I explained.
“So what? It bothers me to be with my girlfriend there?” it had a piece of logic. A big piece.
I fell in silence not knowing what to say. May be I had a very upset look… so yeah I had ‘cause I was disappointed by Bren and that conservation. But Bren had his own reasons to explain it. Because after a minute I heard his unfamiliar cold and unexpectedly unpleasant voice.
“Just say straight you wanna go alone there and want me to fuck off”, he shocked me.
I looked at him as if he went crazy. So yeah, he went. How could he say that?
“What are you talking about?” I slowly spoke.
“You know”, he replied.
“No, I don’t know!”, I came out from stunned state. “And I don’t wanna fucking know! I’ll rather think you feel sick”.
“Sweetie, let off. You wanna go alone. We both know. So you’re welcome. That guy will entertain you”.
“You really feel sick”, I muttered. “for what do you think I’m convincing you to go? For that to go alone? It’s absurd. It’s illogical”.
“You know what’s logical? Know? That is you hide something from me again”, he started this record again…
“Bren, this story is getting old, boring and unoriginal. Your distrust and jealousy are fucked up”, I said.
“It is not jealousy. It’s a normal wish to know about people you hang with”.
“Brendon, believe, I can tell you everything about where I am and whom with. but nothing will change. Our relationships won’t get better. Why are you unconfident to me? I’m your. It’s a pity you can’t realized it after so much time”.
“It’s not unconfidence. It’s…care. I didn’t think it can be perceived such a way. If to listen to you, I’m a jealous and mad fool who doesn’t control himself and latches on to you all the time. May be you complain to your friends I check on your mobile? So I doesn’t do all of it. just I care about you”.
“Thanks, of course. I guessed that”, I smirked. “But I’m talking about trust. We’re dating not the first week. I know you, you know me. And some thoughts just don’t come into a mind”.
“I can’t take care about my own girlfriend?” he asked.
“You can. But when I talk about some familiar boy, beforehand I’m ready to hear your discontent voice and annoying questions”, I said and it was true.
“and my voice is annoyed you. and my face may be too? Sure, I’m jealous jerk, a total jerk, and but you’re smartness and beauty!” he said sarcastically.
“Fuck, no, just-”, I wanna counter but he cut me off.
“Does it matter? I didn’t think care about somebody can be perceived such a way you do!”
“What you’re repeating! Care and care! Your care shows me only one. You don’t trust me”, I almost shouted. We didn’t care about people in the airport. “you don’t believe me whatever I do. And I’m tired to prove you anything!”
“I don’t ask you to prove!”
“Yeah, I know. All you want is to be right. Always. With your fucking care”, I said ending my part in that conversation. “don’t go if you don’t want. I won’t be upset much”.
“I guessed. Go anywhere you want. I don’t care now”, he snapped.
I turned around and began walking away when I heard his final words.
“Don’t try to call me then”, he said behind me.
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I was buying a ticket to Moscow and he was buying his one to LA… I wanted to feel sad about all of that. But I saw he was speaking with Jon and…laughing. I didn’t feel upset. I was going to Moscow. I was going to Andrei. Also, that to laugh…