Don't Blame Me for Being Me

I still can’t believe it was happened. It was kind of breaking up? Or it’s just another quarrel? No, I was serious. I told everything I thought. Everything I’d thought when we have had another row. I’m glad I said it. Fuck, it’s so difficult with him. And I can’t say I’m completely right. I can’t say he’s a such “monster” as may be I try to make him. But he’s really suspicious to me about my male friends. And I got tired to show him that there’s nothing to hide from him, to show my love to him and to make him the main. He’s main. He’s the main jerk in this world. I’ve been so happy when I’d seen him in Belarus. It’d been so important to know he had followed me. It had a flavor of a real love… What’s now? We had another row scene. We have different directions. Moscow and Los Angeles or wherever he goes. What did he say? That he doesn’t care now? Care! As if I asked him for so much care! The fucking annoying thing is that…ugh…I love him. Err. But I don’t wanna see him now. He gave me much to think about. According to his words, I’m selfish, I hide everything from him, I don’t care about his feelings, I don’t appreciate his care as well and what’s else?.. oh, I’m flirting to any boy at any place. How he put up with me?:) Well, yeah, the most part of that is just creation of his wild fantasy. But he really thinks I’m so. And sure now he thinks I’m going to Moscow to sleep and make out with Andrei. It’s so not fucking true. But he believe in it… how to persuade him it’s not so? I don’t know the ways for it anymore. Formerly I knew. Formerly I tried. But now I don’t know ANY MORE ways to prove him my love!
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Our meeting with Andrei in airport was merry and cheerful. I saw and recognized him at once. He didn’t change at all. May be just his fringe, his red fringe, was shorter than then. So I threw myself on his neck yelling his name with joy. He realized it was me not at once. When he did he gave me so tight hug. I kissed his cheek longingly rumpling his hair. After a couple of minutes we eventually tore ourselves from each other and stepped back for seeing. Then we hugged again. I don’t think there was more hearty meeting in the airport.
So we walked out of there to catch taxi. Andrei carried my one bag I’d taken with myself. I held his hand for some assurance I thought I needed then. We got into some taxi keeping talking. We couldn’t stop it. We had so much to tell each other! In a hotel the team is occupied three rooms. Two ones are for living and sleeping. One room is for preparation, rehearsals, writing scenarios and doing other things for a game. So we reached the hotel. I was greeted joyfully and merry. Sure thing the team knows me. we’re friends! After my not long talking about my life in States they continued their rehearsal. I walked out into another room. I placed my bag there and found someone’s laptop. I decided to get pics of resting in the village there to empty camera. I want it to be ready for the game and after party. So for a while I was watching the pics, our happy faces there, our cool time. I found some pic (I don’t know who have made it) where Bren and me sleep together sweet. It’s not true. We’ve never slept such a way. But the pic shows we are. Bren… he let me and Andrei down. Andrei booked me two tickets. Who I’ll go with? I’ll call my cousin. Yeah, exactly. So the rest of the evening I spent going in and out boys’ room seeing the funniest moments of preparations. That it’s showed at a stage and in front of cameras is funny and amazing. But that it’s been happening before two or three days is more laughing thing. On a stage (KVN holds into Theatre of Russian Army, shortly CATRA) everything is vivacious and emotional. But its cost is using so much nervous and patience, spending so much sleepless nights and lacking free time. Usually guys coming to a game in Moscow brought already prepared stuffs and make a full, normal scenario here, in Moscow. But there are people who say what guys may show at stage and what not. It’s editors. They are ex-players, they know KVN and so they’re wise and respectable people. But sometimes their opinion differ from opinion of numerous majority of players. But even in that situation one rule acts – the editor is always right. So it’s happened so that stuffs which editors allow to show are not enough for a game and then guys have to write jokes and sometimes the most of script right before some days to the game. Usually it happens at nights, ‘cause day is for rehearsals on the stage. Try to count how much hours the player sleeps during a week before a game. You’ll be scared. So little time of sleep is dangerous to health.
The game will be tomorrow. Tonight guys will spend in CATRA rehearsing. So I’ll see them only next day when they’ll come to take their suits for a stage and me to the game. Somewhere around 7 p.m. I got Dasha’s sms about their arrival at LA. I replied her by detailed description of my meeting Andrei. Then I thought a little and added a question about Brendon. She wrote me that he was fine. Strangely fine for that situation. He must already miss me, not be FINE. He thought I’d apologize? I won’t. where’s my fault? When he’ll find it, I promise to think about apologizes.
I walked to the boys again and was with them till the time they had to go. Listening to their jokes and watching their preparations, I understood the game would be funny and interesting.
“you’ll take me tomorrow, I hope?” I asked Andrei when they all were going to leave.
“Sure. What’s about another ticket? Who will be with you?” he asked putting his left shoe on.
“Kirill, my cousin. Remember him?” I asked. Andrei knows him. They’d met at that time, two years ago. (The name Kirill is spelled Kee-reel) My cousin is 22 years old and he works in some architect office.
“sure”, Andrei replied.
I hugged them all wishing good luck and good rehearsal. Andrei pecked me on a cheek. I rumpled his hair and got some his discontent as a reply. They went away. I called Kirill. He agreed to go with me tomorrow. I promised to visit his parents – my aunt and uncle. I promised to do it after two days. ‘cause I know that the game itself will be continued by after party. I think it’s for sure I’ll be there. So the next day after it will pass in a hangover. I just don’t know yet the scale of it.
So may be I’ll tell smth about other boys of the team? So Andrei is not one red haired man in the team. There’s Dima (spelled Deem-uh). They two looked similar for many people. But they’ve always been definitely different for me. Even when I didn’t know them close, just was watching them on TV. But they have some like features – almost the same height, bright eyes and red hair. But Dima is redder. His redness just is more bursting. Then there are other Dima and Andrei. They’re both dark-haired, both sing at games (has good voices and talents) and they’re just pretty according to standards of man’s beauty. But they have some resemblance only in their appearances (by the way they looked like only two or year ago, ‘cause now Dima is married and got fatter). So they have different temperaments. “Dark” Dima is the calmest and the most well-balanced man in the team, I guess. But we didn’t make friends. I haven’t liked him. He hasn’t borne me too. We have always been speaking with each other with clenched teeth. Andrei’s another. He’s funny, likes to change everything and everywhere, to start something, plotting and spurring everywhere. So he makes everybody to rush. We’ve been easy to speak. His tricks have been my favorite ones. The next boy is Misha (spelled Mee-shuh). It’s so interesting and pleasurable to speak with him. Especially for girls. He has awesome body and he can talk for a year non-stop. And this will be funny, exciting and serious in the same time. The next one is Kostya, inveterate night clubber. But he’s very responsible and also he can make so funny faces and poses. So and other two boys – another one Andrei and Sergei. This Andrei is the tallest, calmest guy in the team and just a very kind person. Sergei is the oldest in the team (somewhere about 28) but he’s on the same wave with others (games, clubs, parties, girl-fans, etc.). His role is simple Russian worker man. He appears on a stage just in white shirt (may be you know, shirt without sleeves, like underwear) and simple home pants. And he enjoys his role. In general, the team is friendly. Nobody envies anybody. They all have good relationships.
So and I have hung with them two years ago. I’m glad they didn’t forget me. Because our tricks in summer in Jurmala had been amazing! So much nights talking, singing, thinking loud and doing funny pointless things…it had been behind description.
Resting in the hotel room, I caught myself on thinking of Andrei and me. Don’t look at me angrily, people. It’s random and innocent thoughts about our past and about tomorrow game. The one thing I feel now is nostalgia. I’m in it completely.