Don't Blame Me for Being Me

Next morning I woke up because of somebody was speaking. I slowly opened my eyes and saw Misha who was sitting at the bed.
“What the-“, I began telling with a sleepy voice.
“Oh, we aroused you”, I heard Andrei’s voice.
He was lying next to me. I covered myself to my head by the blanket and tried to fall asleep. After a minute I heard a door was closed. Then Andrei crawled to me under the blanket. I was lying on my side, so he wrapped his left arm around my waist.
“You don’t wanna see me?” he asked jokingly.
I grunted smth as a reply. He laughed.
“Well, okay, sleep. I’ll go away”, he said and got up.
“Wake…me…later”, I said with, of course, still sleepy voice.
“Ok”, he dressed and went out closing the door behind him.
I lied on my back and put my hand on my head which was hurting bad. You can think I was worrying about how immoral or whatever I acted last night. But it’d be wrong. I have no thoughts, no regrets, no shame, no pricks of conscience but only hangover and pain in my feet. I fell asleep again very calmly.
But I had not much time to sleep as well. After some minutes (dunno how much) somebody crashed on my bed and me too. I jerked up. It was another Andrei. His nickname is Shel. So let name him so.
“Shel, you’re idiot? I was sleeping”, I whined slowly wrapping the blanket around my breast.
“What sleeping? In such beautiful day!” he said sitting on my lap.
“get off of me!”, I shouted laughing.
He cupped my face and began shaking it. We laughed. I tried to stop him to do that with my poor face but nothing worked. We both crashed on the bad keeping laughing. Then he began doing something else with my hands, something funny. We were rolling along the bed already guffawing until we fell down with an awful noise. It couldn’t make us stop having fun. Andrei came in.
“what’s going on?” he asked seeing us on the floor.
I separated myself from Shel and lied on my back.
“Shel has special methods to wake people”, I said smiling.
Shel buried his face into my shoulder laughing.
“Ira, wrap yourself into blanket, please”, Andrei adviced with a kind of devilish smile. “it’s thanks God that I came in not someone else”.
I gave him a huge smile. Andrei raised Shel and pulled him into another room. I got up and went to a shower. When I dressed and stepped out Andrei was waiting for me sitting on the bed. I tapped his head passing him by.
“what’s about to go for a walk?” he asked me.
“it’s nice. I agree”, I said making order on the bed.
Andrei laid his back on the bed. I tried to pull the blanket from under him.
“Ira, so…what’s…after?” he asked me.
My hands let the blanket go. My mind began thinking fastly. It’s time to be … um…honestly? To myself. Think, Ira. It was just a sex or you felt more? Of course, it…was… It was right. The one I know. He’s so familiar…he’s just right, exactly right for me. How it’s called? We made for each other? So, completely…yeah. we know each other so good. Oh, he’s waiting for my reply…what to say? Hell, I wanna be with him. For what I should pretend?
“What’s after?” I repeated. “Everything I can give you is just some days to be together”.
“Give me? You think I have desperate need?-”
“Give us. I mean ‘give us’. I wanna stay here. Very much”, I cut him off.
“So…stay”, I saw him smiling and looking at me.
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It’s a fifth day with Andrei in Moscow. And I’m for a week here at all. And I don’t need anything but just to be with him. It feels so good to me, so comfy now. We walk around the city, kiss in subway, drink coffee in cafes, lie about a bed, and just stay into our hotel room if we want to go nowhere. If you ask me now “what’s about Brendon?” you’ll get my reply “who the hell is he?” with a disgust in my voice. Virtually and in my thoughts I broke up with him. Not because of I cheated on him and feel bad for it now, not because I hang out with another man, not because the whole Moscow thing. Just everything came clear after conversation in Minsk airport. How can we be together if we don’t wanna listen to and understand each other? Then we talked about different things. And we’re such a way constantly. Ugh…fuck it. I feel good, just wonderful, and secure now. With Andrei. No, it’s not like a start of dating again. We don’t term anyhow our now relationships. As much as our near future. If to be exactly, our near leaving. Perhaps, we both know we just spend time well and just have fun together (*cough* making love *cough*). Yeah…. What can we do without it? So what? We had nice relationships in the past. We have rest of that now. Yeah, I feel I have some…kind of love to Andrei. In another case, I wouldn’t be in Moscow or in his embrace then after the party. To be sincere, alcohol I’ve drunk played one of the main roles…but still…
Andrei is glad very much we’re together now. So…we both are glad of it.
How cool it would be just to stay here, in this hotel, in this room and not to leave for anywhere! It’d be cool not to be a student of CULA, and just to study in some Moscow university. At least in Moscow one. Give me one more week spending with Andrei and I’ll be about to run away off everything. I’ll be about to marry him and start living in Tomsk. Andrei and me will have nice red headed little children – a girl and a boy. We’ll have an exemplary family…
I go crazy…
Andrei took many photos of me. We photograph everywhere we are – walking in the city, eating, sleeping and kissing. I’ll spend long Californian evenings reminiscing this time and watching these photos…
Oh my God, how much I don’t wanna leave for USA!..
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The end. I’m on my way to LA. My lips pressed to each other tightly. I keep my hands on arms of my passenger seat. I wanna cry, I wanna run away, I want my flight to be canceled. Some minutes to take-off of the plane. I hate to fly alone. I can’t calm down. I just want everything to be happened by my will! And my will is to be in the place I want, not I’m forced. I purposely made Andrei and me be late in airport ‘cause I don’t like long farewell staying. I just don’t know what to say then, what to do. So we were late. I had time only to register and other. We gave a short hug to each other and I ran to a boarding and checking part. That’s all. You can’t imagine how it’s hard to know, to realize we both are…are for each other. But we couldn’t be together. It’s banal, trivial, prosaic and not interesting at all. You can say that we have opportunity to meet seldom visiting each other sometimes, at holidays. Yeah we can do it. Yeah, Andrei can visit me in LA. It’s not so difficult. But it’d be harder to leave each other again. So there’s no way just to forget about each other’s existence…