Don't Blame Me for Being Me
Don't Blame Me For Being Me
Chapter 33
I like how you pretend that the end will be the end (and we’ll be the fucking friends to this fucking end)
After arriving.
Boys have their own deals, so they’ve left us. We’ve kept on casual life with casual deals.
I can’t stop thinking about Joe. Exactly about us. I go to bed and wake up with dreams, thoughts and fantasies about us :D. He becomes more likable for me. how can we be friends? How can he be my friend? With such deep blue eyes, with such pleasant and warm hands, with such adorable smile, with his lips I already wanna kiss, with his Jewish nose I’m in love with, and with…with his everything! After all of this thinking I have a serious intention to talk to Joe about it. we need to decide something. Of course it’s not a conversation for a phone. In addition Joe calls seldom. Almost never. Jewish nature :D. So I called him once and invited him to my place.
Wish me good luck. I want him to be mine.
***************************************************************************
So yesterday Trohman came. Dasha specially was out. I was waiting for soccer match on TV. I already put two bottles of beer on a table near and made something to eat for both of us. Waiting for the match and Joe I was jumping (clicking) from one channel to another. and I was thinking up for right words to describe “the situation” :D.
The game already began when a doorbell rang and I opened to Joe. I fastly greeted him, let him in and crashed on my couch again. He took a seat next to me.
“Soccer? It sucks. Ice hockey is better”, Trohman said.
“let me correct. Ice hockey sucks, not soccer. And one more your mistake. This is”, I gestured on a screen. “this is not soccer but European football. Remember”, I said.
“anyways it sucks”, he smiled.
“you’re not friend of mine in this case”, I shrugged off.
“I’m kidding. I wanna be your friend. I’ll take the beer?” he said.
“it’s mine. Take in a fridge”, I replied.
He walked out to the kitchen. His words “I wanna be your friend” were spinning in my head :D. “We need to do something with it. I’ll go crazy if we don’t”, I thought looking at the screen. Then Joe returned with an opened bottle. I must confess it was very important and just interesting for watching match, semi-final of Champions League of UEFA. Some my friends were playing there and I was cheering them and just my fav team. Of course Joe and I were speaking but not much and not about serious things. So he was sitting calmly and sipping his beer. After 25 minutes my guys scored!!!!! I yelled “Yeah” loudly and clapped my hands. Trohman even jerked up.
“Goal! They scored! Goal!” I was yelling and hugging Joe.
“oh my God. Ira, I’m too old for such trouble”, he said.
I bursted out laughing and gave him a glance which was meaning “Let off, Joe. You’re just right in age of your beauty!”
After some minutes the first half of the match finished and there was a break. I calmed down and decided to begin a conversation.
“Joe, Joseph, Joey-“, I started.
“Ok, I’ve understood you’re appealing to me”, he smirked.
“Yeah. Let’s talk seriously”, I said.
“with you? You think it’s possible?”
I laughed.
“See?” he chuckled.
“Let’s try. Well, listen to me. We must talk seriously. Look, I thought-“, I said but he cut me off again.
“Really? It’s good for you”, he joked.
“Shut up and listen to me. so we’re pretty close…”
“because we’re friends”, he added.
“Um…yeah…because we spend pretty much time together…but…I mean it’s normal…we could think about us not as friends, couldn’t we?” I spoke.
“yeah, ‘cause it’s absolutely normal”, he said.
“So you thought?”
“yeah”, he replied.
“So what?”
“That changed nothing. We’re good friends”.
“anybody tried to change it?” I asked.
“for what?” he felt good with being friends, it was obviously.
“you tried”, I didn’t reply. “you were drunken, of course. It was the main reason, but it doesn’t matter now, after some time. If I let you in then, in Moscow… Now I really regret for not doing it”, I sighed.
He paused a little. I felt his studying look.
“you’re right. I was drunken. And there’s nothing to regret, so stop thinking about it”, he said with the voice I didn’t hear before.
“how I can forget your promising of wonderful love night?” I smiled.
“you know, just…thanks god, you didn’t let me in. It’d be shameful for us to look into each other’s eyes afterwards”, he said.
“I had worse adventures in my life. If you’re so shy, so…”, I gave him a look.
“I guessed about your morality, principles and lifestyle”, he chuckled.
“Very funny”, I groused.
“I’m serious. We’re friends and nothing will be changed. Unless you I have principles. I don’t dig my friends”, he said.
“we’re about different things. As if I’m telling you about just fucking and one-night-stand!”
“not about it?”
”fuck, you’re stupid, Trohman. Switch your imagination. I wanted to tell you just one thing…that we can be not just friends and good pals”, I said.
“I think it’s excessive. I feel good with you being your friend”, he replied.
“you said you thought about us. So what it was about exactly?”
“it doesn’t matter. there are just thoughts. The main thing is a conclusion. We are friends”, he repeated this 100th time.
“I’ve grown to hate these words”, I said gloomy.
He, however, laughed.
“tell me about your thoughts. I wanna know what you think about me”, I said with an ordering tone.
“Ira, don’t be so straight”, he laughed.
“I will. ‘cause you’re dumbass and don’t get any hints. I got tired”, I sighed.
“okay. My thoughts were just recalling time with you, how it was, what you said, what I talked. Nothing extraordinary”, he eventually confessed.
I sighed and felt in silence thinking what dumbass Trohman is…
“you’re so upset we’re friends?” he smiled touching my hair as if I was a little girl with bows.
“I’m upset we’re JUST friends”, I thought and replied another thing.
“no matter. I regret I’ve started this conversation”.
“so why you’re upset?” he asked.
“Fuck off, Joe”.
“Do you want me (me: YES!!!) to make you feel better?” he asked me moving closer to me.
“no”, I refused.
“I’ll make”, he said.
“how?” I interested.
“by asking you to go to our FOB tour with me and guys”, he invited me.
“you’re doing it?” I looked at him.
“What?”
“you’re inviting me?”
“sure. Time we’ve spent together showed you’re funny and can make fun”, he said.
“thanks”, I mumbled.
“you don’t feel better, I see. What’s the reason of your sadness?”
“I’m fine. Thanks for invitation. I’m glad. It sure as hell I agree to go. But just now I wanna be left alone. and I’ll keep watch soccer. So it’s better for you to go away”, I said.
May be he eventually understood the whole that thing ‘cause being in a doorway he turned to me and said the next thing.
“I’m sorry we’re friends”.
I turned my face away and felt traitors tears from offence…
I like how you pretend that the end will be the end (and we’ll be the fucking friends to this fucking end)
After arriving.
Boys have their own deals, so they’ve left us. We’ve kept on casual life with casual deals.
I can’t stop thinking about Joe. Exactly about us. I go to bed and wake up with dreams, thoughts and fantasies about us :D. He becomes more likable for me. how can we be friends? How can he be my friend? With such deep blue eyes, with such pleasant and warm hands, with such adorable smile, with his lips I already wanna kiss, with his Jewish nose I’m in love with, and with…with his everything! After all of this thinking I have a serious intention to talk to Joe about it. we need to decide something. Of course it’s not a conversation for a phone. In addition Joe calls seldom. Almost never. Jewish nature :D. So I called him once and invited him to my place.
Wish me good luck. I want him to be mine.
***************************************************************************
So yesterday Trohman came. Dasha specially was out. I was waiting for soccer match on TV. I already put two bottles of beer on a table near and made something to eat for both of us. Waiting for the match and Joe I was jumping (clicking) from one channel to another. and I was thinking up for right words to describe “the situation” :D.
The game already began when a doorbell rang and I opened to Joe. I fastly greeted him, let him in and crashed on my couch again. He took a seat next to me.
“Soccer? It sucks. Ice hockey is better”, Trohman said.
“let me correct. Ice hockey sucks, not soccer. And one more your mistake. This is”, I gestured on a screen. “this is not soccer but European football. Remember”, I said.
“anyways it sucks”, he smiled.
“you’re not friend of mine in this case”, I shrugged off.
“I’m kidding. I wanna be your friend. I’ll take the beer?” he said.
“it’s mine. Take in a fridge”, I replied.
He walked out to the kitchen. His words “I wanna be your friend” were spinning in my head :D. “We need to do something with it. I’ll go crazy if we don’t”, I thought looking at the screen. Then Joe returned with an opened bottle. I must confess it was very important and just interesting for watching match, semi-final of Champions League of UEFA. Some my friends were playing there and I was cheering them and just my fav team. Of course Joe and I were speaking but not much and not about serious things. So he was sitting calmly and sipping his beer. After 25 minutes my guys scored!!!!! I yelled “Yeah” loudly and clapped my hands. Trohman even jerked up.
“Goal! They scored! Goal!” I was yelling and hugging Joe.
“oh my God. Ira, I’m too old for such trouble”, he said.
I bursted out laughing and gave him a glance which was meaning “Let off, Joe. You’re just right in age of your beauty!”
After some minutes the first half of the match finished and there was a break. I calmed down and decided to begin a conversation.
“Joe, Joseph, Joey-“, I started.
“Ok, I’ve understood you’re appealing to me”, he smirked.
“Yeah. Let’s talk seriously”, I said.
“with you? You think it’s possible?”
I laughed.
“See?” he chuckled.
“Let’s try. Well, listen to me. We must talk seriously. Look, I thought-“, I said but he cut me off again.
“Really? It’s good for you”, he joked.
“Shut up and listen to me. so we’re pretty close…”
“because we’re friends”, he added.
“Um…yeah…because we spend pretty much time together…but…I mean it’s normal…we could think about us not as friends, couldn’t we?” I spoke.
“yeah, ‘cause it’s absolutely normal”, he said.
“So you thought?”
“yeah”, he replied.
“So what?”
“That changed nothing. We’re good friends”.
“anybody tried to change it?” I asked.
“for what?” he felt good with being friends, it was obviously.
“you tried”, I didn’t reply. “you were drunken, of course. It was the main reason, but it doesn’t matter now, after some time. If I let you in then, in Moscow… Now I really regret for not doing it”, I sighed.
He paused a little. I felt his studying look.
“you’re right. I was drunken. And there’s nothing to regret, so stop thinking about it”, he said with the voice I didn’t hear before.
“how I can forget your promising of wonderful love night?” I smiled.
“you know, just…thanks god, you didn’t let me in. It’d be shameful for us to look into each other’s eyes afterwards”, he said.
“I had worse adventures in my life. If you’re so shy, so…”, I gave him a look.
“I guessed about your morality, principles and lifestyle”, he chuckled.
“Very funny”, I groused.
“I’m serious. We’re friends and nothing will be changed. Unless you I have principles. I don’t dig my friends”, he said.
“we’re about different things. As if I’m telling you about just fucking and one-night-stand!”
“not about it?”
”fuck, you’re stupid, Trohman. Switch your imagination. I wanted to tell you just one thing…that we can be not just friends and good pals”, I said.
“I think it’s excessive. I feel good with you being your friend”, he replied.
“you said you thought about us. So what it was about exactly?”
“it doesn’t matter. there are just thoughts. The main thing is a conclusion. We are friends”, he repeated this 100th time.
“I’ve grown to hate these words”, I said gloomy.
He, however, laughed.
“tell me about your thoughts. I wanna know what you think about me”, I said with an ordering tone.
“Ira, don’t be so straight”, he laughed.
“I will. ‘cause you’re dumbass and don’t get any hints. I got tired”, I sighed.
“okay. My thoughts were just recalling time with you, how it was, what you said, what I talked. Nothing extraordinary”, he eventually confessed.
I sighed and felt in silence thinking what dumbass Trohman is…
“you’re so upset we’re friends?” he smiled touching my hair as if I was a little girl with bows.
“I’m upset we’re JUST friends”, I thought and replied another thing.
“no matter. I regret I’ve started this conversation”.
“so why you’re upset?” he asked.
“Fuck off, Joe”.
“Do you want me (me: YES!!!) to make you feel better?” he asked me moving closer to me.
“no”, I refused.
“I’ll make”, he said.
“how?” I interested.
“by asking you to go to our FOB tour with me and guys”, he invited me.
“you’re doing it?” I looked at him.
“What?”
“you’re inviting me?”
“sure. Time we’ve spent together showed you’re funny and can make fun”, he said.
“thanks”, I mumbled.
“you don’t feel better, I see. What’s the reason of your sadness?”
“I’m fine. Thanks for invitation. I’m glad. It sure as hell I agree to go. But just now I wanna be left alone. and I’ll keep watch soccer. So it’s better for you to go away”, I said.
May be he eventually understood the whole that thing ‘cause being in a doorway he turned to me and said the next thing.
“I’m sorry we’re friends”.
I turned my face away and felt traitors tears from offence…